Title: Shell of a Man
Author: Dai Otenba
Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh, as it already belongs to Kazuki Takahashi.
Warnings: Angst, Attempted Suicide, Self-mutilation, Yaoi, Language
Pairings: Kaiba x Jounouchi
Rating: R
Summary: After a tragic accident, Jounouchi's world breaks down slowly along with his sanity. Who will help him pick up the pieces? Then again, can they?
Author's Notes: I was listening to "Shell of a Man" by Juliana Theory when I was writing most of this, so that's where the title and a lot of the inspiration comes from. Plus Nuva wanted some angst, so I gave it to her.
Nuva: Damn straight you did. I deserve it.
" " - Spoken Dialogue
' ' - Mental Dialogue
Italics - Flashback/Past references
Line - Scene Change
Final Note:
Nuva: There is no indication as to how far back the flashbacks take place. We'd indicate it for ya, but… we'd rather not. Take that!
--
Shell of a Man: Prologue
--
Jou's POV
"Why?"
Pretty vague question if you ask me. Even if it's just three letters, it's the basis of each and every question on life, existence, all the intellectual and depressing Bullshit. Why are we here? Why do I exist? Why do we live? Why are people so complicated? Why is there hate, violence, and injustice when there is also life, love, and freedom at the same time?
So, which one do I live my life by? Neither. None of them, but all of them.
My question is simple yet more complex than those. It's the only thing we need to ask ourselves.
Everyday, I find myself asking that question more and more, and the answer never seems any closer. I gradually pick up bits and pieces of the answer, but I never piece it together to make the whole.
However, things just seem to have a way of turning against you and kicking you in the face, and eventually the whole begins to break down. You're left to wander around and gather the fragments one by one. Alone, with no one but yourself, all the while hating that one word more and more.
I think that's what happened to me. Or better yet, is happening to me. Except the fragments are a part of me and I can't seem to find them anymore. I'm lost right now, trying to look for the pieces. Trying to put them back together and find the answer to that one question I hate, yet need.
---
Eyes. Once a bright and vibrant amber now dulled down to an empty and murky brown. Eyes staring down at the crimson pool beneath him. Staring down at the stains on the hardwood floor curiously. Why did it hurt? Why was there pain?
A lone figure visible in the moonlight coming in through the open window. He picks at the torn skin on his arm, the deep cuts sure to leave visible scars in the future.
"Why?"
A small whisper reverberates through the empty room.
"Why?"
Louder, voice coming in raspier.
"WHY!"
Silence. The voice stops as the figure moves slightly, picking up the shattered glass from the floor. He stares at it, stares at what he has become. What is left of the pieces he still has left yet will soon be lost along with the others.
A hand reaches up to pull back the bangs hanging in his eyes, giving him a better view of the carnage he had just created. Dark red smears appearing in his hair as the blood sank into the blond strands. That same hand shakily is moved in front of his face. Red, all red.
Suddenly, laughter fills the room. Soft chuckles at first, till it grows, absorbing the negative energy in the room, eating up the chaotic and bloody stench left behind. He laughs, and keeps on laughing.
He collapses on the bloody floor beneath him, yet his laughter never ceases. His body shakes with his actions. Tears slowly come to his eyes, yet the laughter doesn't stop.
A few minutes pass by and his laughter dies down. He lifts his head up, observing where his salty tears had mixed in with the now drying blood, giving it an almost glowing effect. After staring at the floor for a while, he rest his head back down, not caring if his hair soaked up more of the moist liquid beneath him. Legs slowly curl up and arms wrap around his midsection. Curled up in a fetal position, staring off into a random spot on the wall.
His mouth opens, voice attempting to break free, only cracking over the misuse of it. He swallows, and then attempts to speak. Only mutters and mumbles, nothing heard clearly. He falls asleep on the floor eventually, his final two words loud enough to echo in the darkness that surrounds him both mentally and physically.
"Help me."
---
Even now, I don't understand it. It all just happened... so fast. I find it hard to believe that it all just came to an end like that. No warning, no nothing. It all just stopped in an instant, in a heartbeat.
Thank you for that report Hikari. In other news, two were tragically killed in an automobile accident in the outskirts of Domino. Police say that the victims, a young girl along with her mother, were driving home when a drunk driver collided into their car, instantly killing both. The man has been taken into custody and will be set on trial for vehicular manslaughter and driving under the influence. The names of both victims have been withheld from the public as of now. All that is known is that both young women are survived by the older woman's ex-husband, and son.
I hadn't found out till the late night news on the day of the accident. I probably wouldn't have given it much thought if it wasn't for my dense headed-ness putting together all the events that just happened before.
Shizuka and my mother had come to visit a couple days ago. Mother left Shizuka here after staying a day or so, letting her stay a week longer.
She came back to pick her up once the week was over, but stayed one more day.
They left the day after that. The day the accident happened. I tried to deny it all of course, made myself believe it was some other poor, unfortunate family that was being broken, not mine. I was hoping dearly that it wasn't them.
The call I got not long after shattered those hopes. That's when everything fell apart.
That's when the pieces got lost.
That's when it started.
"As long as I have you in my life, then I'm happy."
That's when it all started.
---
6:00am
That's when the alarm went off. I knew school didn't start for about another hour and a half, and it only took me about 25 minutes to get to the school; 20 if I ran, but I had done it again last night and I needed to clean up. I had fallen asleep just afterwards, only to wake up sometime in the middle of the night. I didn't have time to clean up then, so I just pulled myself up from the floor and walked over to the bathroom to wrap some toilet paper on my wounds. I knew it was going to be a bitch to take off the next day but I wasn't exactly thinking too clearly at the time. I was careful not to put any pressure on my arms, which at the moment hurt like you wouldn't believe. Once I was done, I walked over to the bed, flopped down and fell asleep.
I slowly moved towards the small bathroom, careful to avoid the shards of glass still on the floor. 'Need to clean that up also.' I took note mentally as I stood at the doorway. I looked into the mirror, only to groan in sheer irritation.
I was one giant living mess. There were dark circles under my eyes from all the crying I had done. I'm guessing I had laid my head on a bad place because there were small cuts on the right side of my face. Not too deep though. My blond hair was matted and strewn about everywhere, red mixed in gold. A lot of the blood had dried up and was going to be hard to get out without me taking a shower. I shuddered at the thought. It wouldn't be that bad, if it wasn't for my main concern.
I looked down at the mediocre wrappings on my arms. Most of the blood had seeped through and dried up, caking it to my skin. Just as I had though, it was going to be a pain to take off. I slowly removed it from my arms as carefully as I could, flinching and cursing under my breath a few times when it began to sting. After I was done, I noticed that underneath the cuts weren't that bad. At least, I didn't think so. I hadn't made many the night before, plus they weren't that deep. The only places where it bled was where they crossed over old healing scars and cuts from... previous times.
I walked over to the tub and turned on the showerhead, turning the knob below so luke warm water would come out. Once that was over with, I removed what else there was left; a slightly dirty T-shirt I had slipped on before I went to bed (I had removed the blood stained one after the incident), a pair of old worn out blue jeans, and my green boxers. I walked in the tub, pulling the curtain behind me and standing a few inches before where the shower water was spraying. I grabbed a small washcloth and soaked it up with the water. After that, I slowly squeezed the water onto my bloody arms. It stung also, but after awhile it began to decrease the pain in my aching arms. I stared down as most of the blood began to sink down into the drain in the tub, swirling around only to disappear through the small opening. Remembering just how much time I had I reached over quickly and picked out a random bottle of shampoo. I lathered it into my hair, ridding it of the blood and dirt.
About 20 minutes later or so, I was finished. I was currently looking for some old bandages I had from my gang days. I had kept them just in case. After finding them, I got a towel and dabbed away at some of the blood that began to appear from my cuts. I wrapped the bandages around my arms slowly, making sure not to miss an inch. Once that was done, I had the bandages wrapped around my arms from my wrists to below my elbows. I looked out the door to check what time it was. 6:46 Am. didn't have much time left.
Heading over to my dresser, careful of the glass again, I opened it up and pulled out my school uniform and a pair of clean boxers. I pulled them on, and then got my pants on. It took me a bit longer to get the shirt on and the jacket, but I got through it. After that, I slipped on some slippers near my bed and walked over to the closet. I pulled out a broom I had saved there. Back when my father still lived with me, I had learned to keep a broom handy for those many times he'd storm into my room, bottle of liquor in hand.
Not long after, I had swept up the glass on the floor, then had gotten a few wet rags and dabbed them against the floorboards, soaking up as much of the blood as I could. I looked up and checked what time it was again. 7:08Am. Damnit, I was going to be late! I rushed over to the wastebasket in my room and dumped the rags there. I ran down the hall of the apartment and into the small kitchen I had where I washed my hands. Snatching a cold bun of bread and keeping a hold of it in my mouth, I ran over to the front door, took off my slippers and slipped into my shoes. I grabbed my backpack from the couch then opened the door and ran out of the complex in a flash.
While running towards the school, I tried to block out the thoughts I had of just turning back and staying home. A person like me wasn't supposed to be at school. Not after what happened. I wasn't... what did you call it? Stable. Hell, I never was stable to begin with. I probably wasn't thinking straight at all, or wasn't looking where I was going, because all of a sudden I abruptly bumped into a person. Unfortunately for me, the collision caused me to hit another person next to me and being stuck between both for that short amount of time put a lot of pressure on my inner arms. I could feel the blood and agonizing pain go through my arms; it was like an electric shock and felt just as bad as one. I shrugged it off though and after a quick apology, I continued toward Domino High.
---
I'm thinking I ran pretty fast, because I got there about two minutes before the bell rang. Looking up at the building in front of me and the few students still outside, I continued on inside. Once I was there, I remembered that my homeroom teacher had the horrible habit of coming in at least 5 minutes late, so I had some time. Heading to my locker, I put away most of my books and pulled out any I might need. After that and changing my shoes, I closed the door and headed out the hallway.
All of a sudden I felt another aftershock of pain race up my right arm. I winced and cursed under my breath softly. Making sure no one was around; I lifted the sleeve of my blue uniform jacket and looked at the cuts. Yup, that impact was pretty harsh. The blood was beginning to seep through the bandages. I was probably going to have to change them soon, probably before break. Luckily I remembered to bring the bandage wrap with me and place it in my backpack. I stared at the blood a bit longer, thoughts becoming jumbled and confused. I stared hard at the red coloring.
"-oniichan?"
Youthful and kind light hazel eyes, strawberry blond hair. Warm smile-
Screams, laughter, tears-
"As long as you're here-"
"Are you happy?"
Pain-
"Make it stop."
It wasn't until I snapped out of my daze that I noticed my eyes had become watery, and a tear had run down the side of my cheek. No sooner had I pulled my sleeve down and wiped away at the tear did I rush off to homeroom.
---
Regular POV
Of course, if Jounouchi weren't in such a rush, he would have noticed the pair of cold cerulean eyes staring at him from not too far away.
----
(wibble)
Tsuki: Why is she wibbling? This is only the prologue.
Nuva: I forced her to take out the author dialogue here.
Tsuki: You made her, or Kaiba bribed you?
Nuva: …no comment. (walks away counting off a couple of hundreds)