Disclaimer: Nahah. Only the angsty plot, Angelo, Angela, Daniela, Jeremy, Stella, Sarah, and Colin are mine.
Remus: I beg you pardon?
No, they aren't mine! They're Remus and Sirius's, that is! Ignore my words, I only own the plot...
A/N: My drawing for this fic can be found at Just in case anybody is interested... . Who do I think I'm kidding?
The Empty Cradle
Remus stared in surprise at the little, glowering bolt of light in front of him - or, more accurately, in front of his stomach.
He felt a sudden flow of warmth sliding through him. Suddenly, he could almost think that the lights had brighten up a bit, like the sun had come out from behind clouds.
It had happened, then. He truly was pregnant... With Sirius's child.
With his husband's child.
The forty-one years old werewolf felt happy as ever.
()
Remus stared in shock at the little, glowering bolt of light in front of him - or, more accurately, in front of his stomach.
He felt slightly fuzzy, like he was just about to faint. This couldn't be right. The spell had to be wrong, he'd casted it wrong, it just couldn't be...
But, in his heart, he knew that it was true. He knew that he was pregnant... With Sirius's child.
With a murderer's child.
The twenty-one years old werewolf felt sick.
()
"It'll be a girl," the mediwitch said, smiling at them. "A nice, happy, healthy baby girl for you."
Remus grasped on Sirius's hand, squeezing it. Sirius replied the gesture, then bent down, kissed him on the top of his head and smiled at him gently.
Remus smiled also as he got up from the chair. He'd never felt happier.
The mediwitch smiled warmly at them as she dismissed them.
()
"It would be a boy," the mediwitch said with a bit accusing tone.
"I know, and I won't change my mind," Remus replied quietly. "There's no use to try and make me feel more guilty for this. I don't think there is a way for me to feel worse."
Her expression was actually sympathic as she started making notes on her clipboard.
()
Remus doubled over as a sharp pain stung in his stomach. He clutched on his round belly, tears of pain in his eyes.
"Remus?" Sirius asked worriedly. "Remus, love, is something wrong?"
"Sirius," he said through clenched teeth, "I think - the baby -"
"The baby's coming?" Sirius asked, his eyes flying wide. "You're in labour?"
Remus could do little but nod as another contraction hit him, throwing him off his feet to the floor. 'It shouldn't be this bad,' he thought. 'Merlin, I hope nothing's wrong with the baby...'
After that, he didn't think anything, since he passed out in pain as he felt the next painful twinge.
()
Forcing his eyes open, Remus noticed that he could not see properly. Just hazy images, shadowy forms running around him, unreal creatures that he vaguely recognized as humans.
Somebody squeezed his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, dear," he heard Sirius's worried tone. "You'll be okay... They have the best ones here..." Pain was taking over his senses, Remus wondered what was happening.
Then he remembered. Baby, his baby. Their baby. Trying to get out.
He wasn't sure whether he should be happy or agonized about that thought. However, he didn't have time to consider it properly, since the next wave of pain made him pass out momentarily.
()
"Are you absolutely sure, Mr. Lupin?" the mediwitch asked sharply. "I warn you, no magic can undo what you're just going to do."
"I'm aware of that," Remus said quietly. "But I don't have very much options, now have I?" he added then with a bitter tone.
"I'm afraid you don't," she sighed. "Very well, then. Drink this." She handed Remus a big goblet full of steaming, dark liquid.
A bit hesitantly, Remus raised the goblet to his lips, then took the first sip. The liquid was cool, despite its appearance. It felt thick as it went down his throat, like he couldn't breathe.
He drew a sharp breath, then emptied the goblet.
For a moment he felt just numb. A wave of regret hit him, and for a moment he doubted if this had indeed been the right choice.
Then, there was a searing pain in his stomach. He bent down, clutching on his abdomen, whimpering as the inner flames burned him. He heard somebody scream inside his mind, but it wasn't his voice, it was... a baby's voice...
Just as the darkness hit him, he knew that there was no backing away now.
He'd killed his baby. He and Sirius's baby.
()
When he once again received back his consciousness, Remus didn't really understand anything anymore. There were people running around him, somebody was giving orders, somebody other was replying. Sirius was sitting next to him, looking more worried than ever, his silver eyes sparkling in the bright light.
Remus closed his eyes. The light was too bright, it hurt his eyes. He was also in pain, in hard pain he'd never experienced before, not even during his transformations.
"The C-section," he heard somebody saying. "Soon - the baby's dying -"
The werewolf bit his lip to prevent himself from crying out. They couldn't talk about their baby, could they? No - nothing could be wrong - he was in pain just because he was in labour. Nothing was wrong with their little Angela. They were talking about someone else's baby...
He fluttered his eyes open again for a brief moment. Seeing the pain and agony in Sirius's eyes he knew that they indeed were talking about their baby, their little one. Realizing this, Remus could only think about one thing. One, hurtful thought went around and around in his head.
He'd got a possibility, a new possibility to fix what he'd once broken.
And now, he'd spoilt this possibility as well.
Then, gratefully, he knew no more.
()
'He'd only have died during the pregnancy,' he thought. 'And even if he had lived, he'd been cursed or the Ministry'd have taken him from me. It's better this way.'
'You'll never know now,' said a little voice inside his head.
'Sirius betrayed us! Betrayed Lily, and James, and Peter, and me. I don't want to have his child anyway. I hate him. Merlin, how I hate him!'
'And yet you still love him,' the voice mocked him. 'And what had the baby done? How did he deserve such a sad fate - to be murdered by his father, the one who's supposed to love him?'
"No... No... Go away..." Remus whispered furiously to himself. "I didn't murder him... I didn't... I had no options..."
He cried until his exhaustion took over him, lulling him into sleep. His night was filled with nightmares, however, and in the morning he woke up even more tired than before.
()
Slowly, Remus opened his eyes. No pain was agonizing him anymore, but he couldn't decide whether it was good or bad.
He felt somebody's presence near him, and turned his head. On a chair next to his bed sit Sirius, his eyes veiled with tears.
"Sirius?" managed Remus to say. "Angela..."
"Remus, I'm so sorry..." Sirius whispered. "It was a still birth..."
For a moment, Remus didn't feel anything. He was just empty, drained, clear of all sensible thoughts.
Then he burst into tears.
()
Remus opened the room of the empty nursery.
For some time he just stood there, one of his hands resting on the doorframe. He let his gaze wander around the room, examining it, taking in every detail. The light yellow walls - neither Remus nor Sirius was particularly fond on pink - and white furniture. The wardrobe, its shelfs full of tiny dresses and shirts and baby stockings. The little baby cloak on the back of one of the chairs, and the soft baby booties underneath the chair. And the cradle, equipped with soft stuffed animals - a shiny white unicorn, a golden cub, and a black puppy, all of which Sirius had bought. And the large silver stag next to the cradle, which Harry had given as a forehand present to his "little sister."
Slowly, Remus brought his hand to his abdomen again. There was nothing there. What had been was now in the garden, buried next to the birch three under which he'd told Sirius about the baby. On another tree, just ten feet from there, was a tiny swing they'd hung there, already thinking about the time their baby would grow up and play outside.
And now, there was no baby. Their little Angela had never had the opportunity to sleep in the cradle, to wear the clothes, to play with the toys, to swing on the tree...
He sat down on the nearby chair, since his legs didn't feel strong enough anymore.
It wasn't fair. He loved Sirius, loved with all his might. He'd wanted nothing more than to have Sirius's child, their child, to grasp on the possibility he'd once destroyed. But he couldn't, just because he was cursed.
"Remus?" asked somebody quietly from the doorway. As he glanced up, he saw his husband watching him with concerned eyes. Turning his gaze away, Remus tried to swallow back the tears that just continued to fall.
In flash of a moment, the other man was standing beside him. "Here," Sirius said, placing something into his hand. "Take this."
It was a necklace. A simple, golden chain, with two golden pendants in it.
Two tiny baby's binkies.
"Thank you... Sirius," he whispered. "But... Why two?"
"One of them is for our daughter," Sirius said, taking Remus's hand gently into his own. His other hand cupped the werewolf's face, then he said, "The other one... Well, it is for our son."
Tears rolled now freely down Remus's cheeks. "You know?" he asked, not believing what he heard.
"I've only known ever since the unfortunate birth," Sirius said, and sighed. He wiped the tears off with the side of his thumb. "As there were complications with Angela, they let me see your medical information... I had to decide whether they should operate you or not. Moony... Merlin, I'm so sorry..."
"Nothing to be sorry for," Remus said quietly. "You didn't mean to do that. You didn't mean to leave."
"But I did leave," Sirius said stubbornly. "I left you and you were alone with a child, and because of me you had to - had to -" Sirius didn't seem to be able to finish the sentence.
"To abort," Remus finished it for him. "It wasn't your fault, Sirius. If anything, it was my fault. My decision, all of it."
"You're doubting yourself," his husband said softly. "You think you chose wrong."
Remus nodded slowly. "Who was I to say if the baby had a right to live?" he asked quietly. "Maybe he'd been given a long, happy, carefree life if it wasn't for me. I'll never know now!"
"What's done is done," Sirius said steadily. "There's no use to cry over spilt potion, dear. You can't change the past, you can only make the future better."
"I tried," Remus said, grasping lightly the edge of the tiny cradle. The empty cradle. "And look where it got us! I only got another one of our babies killed. Maybe we're not just meant to be parents." He bursted into tears again, whispering, "Maybe I'm being punished for aborting him..."
"Shh, babe, shh," the taller man said soothingly. "It was not your fault, love. Nobody could prevent Angela dying. She just wasn't fitted to live. It could happen to anyone - a werewolf, a human, a woman, a man. It had nothing to do with what you are or what you've possibly done."
Remus sobbed, not being able to stop the tears anymore. "I know," he managed to say between the sobs. "But it doesn't make it any easier..."
"I know that," Sirius said softly, drawing the smaller man into his arms. He hugged Remus tightly against himself, rubbing his back soothingly. He let his husband cry himself empty of tears, holding him until his sobs lessened and, eventually, stopped.
"Thank you," Remus whispered at last, wiping away the tears. "Thank you for understanding."
"Any time, babe," Sirius said with a little grin down to the werewolf. "You are my husband, Remus. You are my everything, basically. I'll stand beside you any time, in any occasion. Do you understand?"
The other man even managed a tiny smile. "Yes," he whispered, his hands grasping tightly on Sirius's arms. "Yes, I do understand." He leant forward to place a tiny kiss on the corner of Sirius's mouth, then drew back a little and smiled up to his lover.
"There's just one thing you have to know," Sirius said, and smiled.
"Eh? What it is?" Remus asked him.
"Next time, I will carry the baby," Sirius said softly, then hugged him tightly.
The werewolf didn't say anything. His eyes filled again with tears. This time, however, they were tears of joy, not sorrow, and his love for Sirius shone clear and evident through the veil of tears.
Sirius smiled, then leant forward to place in turn a tiny kiss on his husband's lips.
()
"What are those for, Dad?" asked the little girl in Remus's lap, fiddling with his necklace.
"They are there to remind me of you, sweetheart," Remus smiled. "One for each one of you kids. You see? A Snitch for Daniela, a book for Jeremy, a -"
"A star for Stella," continued the eldest girl, Daniela, who was standing next to them, "a cat for Sarah, and a moon for Colin, poor baby, he truly was unlucky to be lycanthropic. But what are the baby's binkies for?"
"They are," Sirius said, wrapping his arms around Remus's shoulders from behind, "for Angelino and Angela."
"Yeah, for Angelino and Angela," Remus said with a sad tone. "For our little angels."
Sirius hugged him a bit tighter as a single tear rolled down his cheek.
Somewhere, on top of the clouds, two baby angels hugged each other, too.
Well? Sad? Nice? Or just bloody pathetic?
Tell me!