Behind the Scenes of
The East Gate
Scandals, Sex and Secrets Laid Bare
Part One: The Fellowship of the Cast
"By no means all Hobbits were lettered, but those who were wrote constantly to all their friends (and a selection of their relations) who lived further off than an afternoon's walk.
"Concerning Hobbits - J R R Tolkien
The Quest has just started and the characters have other lives off stage and have started to exchange correspondence. Frodo is complaining about Pippin's scarf and so it begins…
Dear Cousin,
All right Frodo, I've told you before – it's my scarf, Merry gave me this scarf for his 20th birthday and I am quite fond of it or I would not have kept it so long. While it would make a good gag I am onto your schemes so give up already. You have a smial full of gold and you can go buy your own.
Yours
Pip
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Pippin, I told you to wash that ratty old thing! It smells and it's full of holes!
Frodo
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Dear Frodo!
It doesn't smell! Well, Merry says it smells like me, whatever that means, and I certainly don't smell. Well, actually, it has been a long time since ANY of us has had a bath...but my scarf is NOT a ratty old thing and I know where every stain and hole came from, and I can't wash it Frodo, cause Merry cried all over it when I was so sick that time and it reminds me how much my Merry loves me!
Pippin
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Pippin
You haven't washed it since THEN? Pippin, that was FOURTEEN years ago!
I checked with Merry, and he said, "Pippin, that scarf stinks to high heaven. Let Frodo wash it." Then he said, "Frodo. Why are we drinking pissy American Bud Light? You had Beck's last week."
Frodo
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Merry! Help me! He's after my scarf again!
Pippin
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Young hobbit! I said to turn that scarf over!
Your Elder Cousin,
Frodo
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Dear Much Elder Cousin Frodo,
I am really getting excited now, planning many useful ways to utilize the scarf that you'll not get your greedy hands on...I know you want it doubly now that you know it has Merry's tears on it!
Your Youthful Cousin,
Pip
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Merry says Pippin stinks and he has to sleep in the other room tonight if he doesn't wash himself and his clothing.
Frodo
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Frodo:
Merry would Never say that about my scarf! In fact, he's the one that told me I should be careful not to wash it 'cause it might fall apart...
We at least have 'regular' Budweiser...at least we will when the man brings it. So There!
Pippin
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Merry:
Pippin has to sleep in the hallway. He smells.
Frodo, B.O.T.O.R.
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To The Fellowship:
Merry says Pippin stinks and he has to sleep in the other room tonight if he doesn't wash himself and his clothing.
Frodo, B.O.T.O.R.
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To Whom It May Concern:
Pippin says that he will be more than happy to sleep in the other room tonight, and what does Merry think of that, eh?
And he adds that Merry's waistcoat was a completely different shade of yellow when they left home and now it is starting to take on the colour of a cave trolls hide...and Pippin has a whole 40 oz real Bud all to himself, since Merry will be sleeping elsewhere this night...
Affrontedly Yours,
Pippin
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Hoi Pip!
Yes, but Merry got to sleep in bed with me!
Your Smirking Cousin,
Frodo
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Hello Boromir!
Good thing you are going to play him hunky, cause then I can make you carry Gimli AND me around, lol.
Pip
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Boromir reporting in again!
It is my sincere desire to assist the Fellowship where I am capable and able.
It has, however, come to my attention, through recent posts to this site about tigging (an apparent hobbit game I believe may be related to Ropey but to which I am unsure of the exact rules, I believe it was some sort of game Meriadoc and Samwise and Peregrin invited to infuriate Frodo Baggins) to wit previous conversation: It has come to my attention that many feel the need to expect me to pull their arses out of proverbial fires, brimstones and abysses.
NOTE: Boromir does not do rescues unless you are desperately in need of rescuing. Read that, save your own arse, I've got Orcs to fight.
Also read that: I'm not into the touchy feely 21st century be nice to thy brother.
I'll tig but I'm not sure exactly what I'm tigging or to whom I tig or in what capacity.
Legolas good to have your elvish self near by, I trust you'll keep those silly lads in line? I've smell Orcs near by...
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Boromir: I expect you to be this hunky at all times (see picture). Nothing less will be accepted. I also expect you to rescue me whenever I deem necessary. I often need rescuing, as I am prone to falling down. I also expect you to carry me when my feet are tired.
If you object to any of these activities, I will be forced to call a Fellowship family meeting, and we most certainly will need a group hug when we are through discussing your feelings and why you do not wish to rescue me.
Sincerely,
Frodo Baggins
Bearer of The One Ring
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Cousin Frodo,
While you do tend to fall down a lot remember that I am the youngest and smallest of all us hobbits, and tire even more quickly than you do. Besides, remember that it was 'your' idea that Boromir not make it out of the Mines, therefore making him my own protector, not yours. As it was also 'your' idea that I not make it out of the Mines you are hoist on your own petard there cousin mine!
Pippin
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Dear Boromir,
I know Gimli has a broken leg, but if I get too tired you will carry me tiggy-back, won't you? You're always looking out for Merry and me...
Pip
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Dear Peregrin,
Did you wash that nasty, dirty, smelly scarf like I told you to?
Sincerely,
Cousin Frodo
Bearer of The One Ring
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Mr. Frodo, sir, Master Pippin asked me to wash it for him. He said you were going to ask me and forgot, due to advancing age.
Sam
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Dearest Sam,
If it is necessary to kick Pippin's arse to get that stinky old scarf away from him long enough to wash it, know that you do so with my full blessing.
My deepest gratitude,
Frodo Baggins
Bearer of The One Ring
PS -- It seems that I have fallen down again. I suspect these incidents may be due to my advancing age. Please fetch Boromir to save me.
FB
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Dearest Elder Cousin,
Did you know how much a leather jerkin can reek when it's worn under a hidden mithril shirt for months on end? Wonder what the skin looks like under there now... I mean, you've always been pale, but really. Sort of greyish by now I'd imagine, and I hope I am no wherenowhere around when you finally undress. Think about that and I am sure it will take your mind off the imagined odiousness of my nice scarf.
Peregrin Took
Future Thain of The Shire, and Protector of The Ringbearer
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Dear Sam,
Thank you for filling Frodo in on what I said to you... it will not be forgotten, sincerely. However, I have changed my mind out of principle. My scarf is mine, to do with as I will. I do however thank you for your kind willingness to help.
Pippin
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Frodo Baggins,
Let us not continue with this potential misunderstanding. It grieves me so to think you would consider I am not ready to fulfillfulfil my obligations in serving the Fellowship. There is no need, I repeat, NO need for a group hug. While hugging is considered acceptable by some males (I have observed, in particular, by Elven Males) it is NOT considered manly or hunky by most Gondorian Officers. I kindly defer the need for a group hug unless it is a matter of life or death. Please respect my wishes in this matter and I will be much more at ease with this (albeit necessary) odd assortment of travelerstravellers.
I have in the past and will in the future, gladly display my hunkiness in hefting The Ringbearer's Body through many a difficult situation. I consider it an honour to do so.
Your Humble Servant, Boromir - Captain of the Guard
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Peregrin,
Of course I will avail myself to carry you when you are in need given there are no Orcs in the immediate vicinity requiring heads/arms/legs to be lopped. It is, after all, one of my duties. Lord Elrond made it perfectly clear I am to watch out for the Little Ones while protecting Mr. Baggins' aging arse (not to mention watching out for that RING...)
Though I am still uncertain about your use of the word Tig. It appears to be used as both a common action and a sport. If I tig Samwise while carrying you tiggy-back after you have tigged Meriadoc does that free me up from being tigged myself?
Your faithful companion, Boromir
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My most honorablehonourable Boromir,
I know that some Men of Gondor consider group hugs unhunky. Let me assure you that this is not so. However, perhaps it would be best if you eased your way into the arena of platonic affection. I recommend you begin with shoulder-clasping and squeezing. Once we locate Aragorn, he can give you lessons, as he is quite the expert.
I appreciate, as always, your willingness to save me from the many dangers of Middle-earth.
Sincerely,
Frodo Baggins
Bearer of The One Ring
PS -- Do not carry that ridiculous Took anywhere. Tell him to stop whining and get moving. His scarf smells, anyway.
FB
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Dearest Meriadoc,
I have had some leisure time lately to consider our future positions as Thain of the entire Shire and Master of all of Buckland. It is my opinion that the Shire in general would benefit from a substantial tax increase among the wealthier hobbitry. We ourselves, as the responsible heads of our respective clans, would of course be exempt from this higher rate of taxation, which would fall largely upon well-to-do-hobbits without close immediate families. I know that both you and Cousin Frodo will be pleased that I am finally thinking about such important matters regarding my future governing of the Shire, and will support me in my efforts to make the Shire an even nicer place to call home.
Your Favourite Cousin and Future Thain,
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Dear Boromir,
Don't worry about Frodo and his obsessive need to be hugged. It is nothing to do with you personally; he lost his parents at a very early age and goes through periods where he craves affection. Usually Merry and I will hug him when this happens but lately he has been trying to take my scarf when I do so, and also, quite frankly he smells of mouldering leather, so we are a bit less free with showing him physical affection of late, as I am sure you can understand.
I appreciate your willingness to carry me about when I am weary, and assure you that I will merely cling to your back whenever it becomes necessary for you to have your hands free to lop the limbs or heads off of any orcs that may stand in our path. Thank you again.
Your Little One,
Pippin
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Peregrin my dear
It gladdens my heart to see you at last taking an interest in things fiscal, however I think you may be approaching this in the wrong way. Presumably by 'tax' you are referring to personal taxation and since certain well-to-do-hobbits have no jobs as such ('Ringbearer' is not paid employment) they currently pay no such due. In addition the substantial wealth-tax some hobbits should be paying is being lost to the Shire internal revenue, because of the non-declaration of large hoards of dragon's treasure.
I propose the introduction of more (what we politicians call, but don't tell the servants) stealth tax. Three farthings on a fill of pipeweed, tuppence ha'peny on a mug of ale, you know, all the things respectable hobbits cannot do without. Perhaps a tax on property, say for dwellings built almost entirely under hills, Great Smials would of course be exempt as it is a National Heritage Building, likewise Brandy Hall as it is does not conform to the definition.
Furthermore, I recommend we look to joining an economic community with countries in the South. If we could get some subsidies and grants from countries like Gondor, we'll have it made.
Of course we'll probably have to adopt their weird calendar and insist that ale comes in pints and no doubt that lazy sod Maggot will get his fair share of set-aside farming subsidies for doing sweet Fanny Adams, but overall I think we will gain from it.
Perhaps you can put in a word with Boromir when he's lugging you around, a quick whisper in his shell-like. I believe he has some political clout in Gondor although I may be wrong, just don't let Frodo (the Ringbearer) hug him. We have to adopt to his foreign ways if we're to make any dosh out of this.
Your loving, older and wiser cousin
Meriadoc
PS I think your scarf is a non-standard length and colour and may be outside the regulations of the new Gondor Economic Community, in which case it will be confiscated and destroyed under the new Federal laws. Sorry.
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My most esteemed Meriadoc,
I regret to inform you that I have written to your father concerning your recent ungentlehobbit-like behaviorbehaviour in Rivendell. I am sorry for the difficulties this is certain to cause you, but I felt it my duty to do so. I know you will understand.
Your loving cousin,
Frodo Baggins
Bearer of The One Ring
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Frodo Baggins
Bearer of The One Ring
My Dear Master Baggins
If you are referring to scurrilous rumours put about by a certain tabloid journalist by the name of Baylor, I am compelled to inform you that you shall both be hearing from my lawyers.
In haste
Your innocent cousin
Meriadoc
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TBC