In the Arms of Destruction

"I was a wayward child

with the weight of the world

that I held deep inside.

Life was a winding road

And I learned many things

Little ones shouldn't know."

- Close My Eyes, Mariah Carey

Prologue:

"But you were there

And you were everything I'd never seen

You woke me up from this long and endless sleep

I opened my eyes and you were there."

- You Were There, Southern Sons

AC 195

There were many reasons why Hilde Schbeiker stood there, as a ranking OZ officer patrolling a spaceport, rather than training rigorously elsewhere to kill.

Yes, she had many reasons for being here - some were very deep, very disturbing, very urgent, while some of them were just plain useless.

Showing off her skills was one of them.

The blue-black haired German grinned as she ran a hand over her hair. That was definitely useless, haughty too. But she was having a kick-ass fun of a time when she dwelled on that fact.

Shaking her head at her ill humor, she then strode over towards another hallway to continue her job. But it was only the truth. In the two weeks since she'd entered OZ as a volunteer, she had already been promoted three ranks higher, soon reaching the highly-trained group of volunteers, and heading them at that. It wouldn't be soon till she had her next promotion; of this, she was sure. Maybe she would finally become an official OZ soldier after that - after all, she was one of the first few whom they were training to be Mobile Suit pilots.

You arrogant little girl, she berated herself, grinning wickedly. Bad, bad.

Of course, no one really knew of her background, or how she acquired all the skills she had at such a young age. No one knew where she had come from.

"Good Morning, Miss Schbeiker!" another volunteer saluted to her as he passed, and she nodded the same greeting. What was she doing here, anyway, still patrolling despite the fact that she was supposed to be off-duty? Probably just her habit. But making conceited jokes to herself? Good grief.

But Hilde knew exactly what she was doing.

If only she could get herself to admit it.

"I can't do this anymore," she muttered to herself as she leaned on a glass window. Staring at the residential mountain before her, she sighed. Images in picture books, she thought bitterly. The mountain itself was a reminder of what she was trying to avoid in her mind by thinking useless thoughts. It was one of the views she had rarely seen during the first thirteen years of her life. It represented the life she had never experienced, and the normality she had been deprived off. And the recollections of that life were what she was trying to avoid.

She remembered her ignorant joy she felt when she first stepped off the space shuttle in L2 two years ago-or the extreme fascination over the simple scene of people bustling about, busy with their own lives. She had been so deprived from this life. And it was hard to leave everything in your life behind, no matter how gruesome or dark they were.

And now, here she was. Fifteen and alone, making a life of her own. She wondered if the people from the Base in Germany still remembered her - or if they were still cursing her, that was. And her Instructor… Hilde's face brightened for a second in reminiscence. How was he? Did he get in trouble after he helped her escape?

Escape. Yes, escape. Hilde looked around her, where people moved about, excited at finally arriving here on L2. This was the life she had now. And it was very different from before.

Heck! Here, people respected you; back in the Base, people insulted you. Out here, there were greetings; back home, there were curses. While there was security here, back there hostility reigned. When one was not your ally, he or she was your enemy. And here, she was trained with the purpose of protecting people, back there they were trained to kill.

Yes, luckily, she preferred this life. At least she hadn't been that warped to still feel that life was only about missions and destruction. At least she wasn't that morbid as to still find killing enjoyable.

Hilde glanced at her hands, and her blue eyes widened in apprehension. Once, she had almost reached that level. Hers were hands that had killed already, and would have still continued doing so, had not her Instructor intervened and helped set her free.

This was the life she now lived, and she was already liberated from the dark bonds of her past.

But that wouldn't stop you from thinking back, would it?

Hilde shut her eyes. Ja, she admitted weakly. She still remembered them, dreamt of the horrid past, which had nearly destroyed her. She had always prided herself with her independence and strength - yet weakness always took hold of herself when she was reminded of her past.

Him. The First, he was the man that she would never forget. The person who had always watched her… despised her, yet made sure of her well being. It seemed as if he was biding his time with her, observing her every move, watching her grow. He followed her with eyes that were sadistically pleased, yet disgusted-as if she reminded him of so many regretful memories. And he had been waiting for her, as if he would finally strike at her (in revenge?) when the right time came. He had been their leader, and she had been submissive. But now that she was free from his grasp, she still remembered him.

Hilde shuddered at the unsettling memories. She then found herself huddled on a corner in the waiting room. Cussing slightly, she moved off, irritated by the effect her fear still had on her.

Walking, she remembered the better part of her past. There was her Instructor, who was kind beyond what protocol called for. He was the only one who had genuinely cared despite her imperfections. If there was such a thing as love back in the Base, then maybe that would be it. And he was the one who helped her get here, who had saved her. She owed it to him to at least move on and make her life better.

But it was hard. So hard… she thought miserably. It was so difficult to live in this new world and to fulfill her dreams, to go on without a guide, to have no one to draw strength from but the repressed affection of a person long left behind, and the faint belief in a God.

But that had always been the case for me. Hilde sighed. Yes, she had always been faced with such challenges, and this time she would still make it. She was still adjusting to this world, and she was having a hard time - yet she promised herself that she would go on. She didn't need any help, or any kindness from anyone. By Deutschland, she would survive.

Hilde gave a grim smile. It had always been Survival. It was what she strived for, fought for in situations like this. There was no one she could depend on, no one she could trust but herself. And she would find a better life; she would make her dreams real. She would find life.

Pleased with her thoughts, she turned to leave the waiting room, but found herself staring at the set of seats placed before the observatory.

There sat a foolish looking boy with an abnormally long braid of brown hair. He wore a pair of conceited shades and had a smirk on his lips. Both of his legs were slung lazily on another chair, and his hands were placed leisurely on the back of his neck.

She was unable to stop a frown. Her eyes were wide with astonishment, though, and that was the first time that had happened to her. But his hair, darn it all, she knew that her combat-styled hair had never been the fad here, but a male with an oversupply of hair… wasn't that a little too much? Hilde flinched when his soft hair nearly touched the floor, and she self-consciously placed a hand on her short hair.

But when Hilde looked at him again, her thoughts turned wistful, if not a touch bitter. There he was, acting as if he had no purpose in the world, lounging without caring about what was happening about him. It was amazing, how indifferent and carefree some lucky people could be. It disgusting to some degree, when some people, like her, suffered from their inner ghosts and hardened lives a distance from them. The world could be so unfair at times.

Yet, that was when she admitted to herself that she was probably just jealous, not personally mad at them. That boy had the life she so yearned to have. He had the smiles she rarely found herself giving. He had the freedom to feel emotions she had long repressed inside. Yes, she was utterly jealous. She was even jealous of his damn hair.

Hilde's eyes narrowed weakly. But still, that was the sort of life she was looking for herself. And she wanted to have it, and to protect those who had it so far. She had no right being upset. In fact, she should revere the peaceful, happy lives of the people around her, and hope that she could find her inner peace someday.

She then turned to walk away, but was abruptly stopped by her logical thoughts. Still, there was another war out there, and that boy could put himself to good use by helping them! If they all wanted mutual peace, then they should all help to strive for that. People like him shouldn't be loitering around listlessly!

An idea suddenly came to her. Deep blue eyes widening in triumph, Hilde dug out for the application form for volunteers from her pocket. Now that she was an OZ officer wanting to stop the war in order to find peace, herself, she could at least do her job.

Striding over to the boy, she found herself suddenly nervous? Why? She asked herself, but stubbornly pushed her disturbing thoughts away. As a result, she had stopped before him and pushed the form a little bit too nearly to his face. Auch, she winced as the boy had to move back. "Hey!"

Despite herself, Hilde gave a sheepish grin, "Excuse me." She drew the paper away and composed herself to speak. "I'm looking for volunteers for OZ…"

Her voice trailed away when the boy adjusted his glasses and took hold of the application form in her hand. He didn't take it from her hands though. His eyes ran over it slowly, taking all the time in the world, but the amused set in his mouth told her that he wasn't finding the contents of the form significant.

Okay, so he doesn't like it, she sighed. Rolling her eyes, she snatched the paper away. "That's okay. Fine, I see you're not interested. I'm sorry for taking your time."

And without saying another word, she moved away. At least I tried. Be it for lazy young men to bum out the whole day…

"Wait!"

Hilde whirled around, her brow raised, "Yes?"

"Face me." The boy said.

Her brow raised once more. Was he ordering her to face him completely? Of all the nerve! Calm down, you can get a new recruit… She closed her eyes and sighed, then did as he wished.

"Better," he muttered, pleased. His voice had such a dominating, somewhat insinuating quality to it that Hilde found annoying. "Now, what was that you were saying?"

Hilde cursed to herself. Fine. "OZ is looking for more volunteers from the colonies to help stop the war. I thought you might be interested in helping the colonies," he snorted, but she ignored it, "by joining. You can always sign up. So many young people are signing themselves up…"

She found that as she was speaking, the boy was looking at her strangely. He started staring at her boots, then slowly, slowly moving upwards, until they reached her face. He gave a wry glance at her spiked up bangs, then stared at her face again. Hilde wanted to gut him. But as she bit back a smart-ass comment, she realized that her heart was pounding madly in her chest.

What?! She simply shook her head then went on, trying to ignore the elated sensations within her. But as she paused in her speech, she saw him giving her an amused grin. She was flustered immediately. Dummkopf!

"And finally, if you get to sign on time, we'll be taken on a trip to the Moon Base first thing tomorrow. At least you might find that interesting. Give it a try."

His eyes seemed to widen underneath his shades at the mention of the Moon Base, and suddenly, it was as if she wasn't there. He was trapped in his own world.

Shrugging, Hilde then walked off. She resisted the urge to stomp her foot. What the heck was that all about? Blushing like a schoolgirl! She had men trying to make obvious passes at her back in the Base, but never was she like this! Stupid… What was it with that boy?

"Hey, wait!"

Hilde snorted. Just what she needed. But when she turned around, he was suddenly before her. He had removed his shades, and Hilde met his eyes.

Then was promptly dumbstruck. "Damn," she whispered to herself, but he obviously heard. His eyes were of a deep, prominent violet color. She had never seen anything like it before. His face broke into another arrogant grin.

"I just want to ask you something." He whispered teasingly.

Hilde didn't know whether she wanted to snort or to faint. Damn it, he was driving her into distraction. Was it just a few minutes ago when she so-confidently proclaimed that no one would ever get to her? "What?"

"What are you fighting for?" It was a deathly serious, urgent question.

Hilde didn't know what caused her to answer so sincerely when she knew she couldn't trust him, but the words came out of her mouth so easily, as if they were meant to answer to his own. "I fight to protect the colonies - for peace, for life, because at the same time, I am fighting for my dreams."

And suddenly, he gave her a tender smile. A seemingly genuine one, which contrasted his arrogant, insulting grins earlier. It was as if she had passed a test, as if he found her utterly admirable. Her heart suddenly stopped beating.

"What is your name?" he asked softly.

Name! Don't-"Hilde. Hilde Schbeiker." What in the world-

She shook her head at her combating thoughts. She had simply followed her instincts by answering him, and she hoped that she would be right in entrusting him with that information.

"Hilde…" he whispered. "Nice name. I'm Duo Maxwell."

Hilde snorted. "You're not going to ask me why my name's not Hilda? Pleased to meet you, by the way."

He smirked at her comments, but shook her hand. "I like that in a girl."

But before she could blush any further, or sputter embarrassed words, he turned and walked off to the doors. Hilde then unwillingly realized that she regretted having him leave.

It was nothing, she thought as she stared at his black-clad figure reached his destination. She didn't understand her reactions to him, but that didn't change the fact that she didn't trust him. No one really cared, no one would show her true kindness, and no one deserved her trust, or the knowledge of who she really was.

But before she could return to her duty, Duo Maxwell suddenly turned back to her. He gave her a stare that bore through her soul, as if he understood her and knew her secrets.

Hilde almost stumbled back at the intensity of his look.

She could almost believe he was genuinely a good person, someone who cared.

He didn't move. Nein, she shook her head. I can't trust, not yet.

His violet eyes seemed to speak to her. I'll be back. You're not leaving.

~~~

It was the premonition of things to come-

And the start of an amazing relationship.

It was, in some way, the start of her deliverance.

~~~

Three Years Later…

There was nothing, it was so dark.

Tap.

What was that?

Tap. Tap.

It was coming nearer…

The resounding noise bled through her ears…

And suddenly, an icy stream of memories gushed forth…

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

He's calling out my name - no! She thought frantically as a sudden plethora of fears washed over her. She did not want to be afraid, or be belittled, yet she was being cornered into destruction once more. Not again…

They are approaching. Frightened to her wits, she huddled into a fetal position, and lay in the oblivion dark. Her fear settled roughly over sane intuitions and the past returned to the present. All she knew was that she needed to hide. They should never see her in this defenseless state. How could they come back, when she had already left them behind? Oh Dear Lord, she prayed, Let them leave me.

Suddenly, behind her, "Click!"

She stifled a scream.

And with that, she ran, away from the footsteps, away from them all, away from the pain. Yet they followed; she had been hiding, but wherever she went, he would always be there.

"Heidi, come back…" the melodious, yet sinister voice induced. "Where are you? You better show yourself. You know I won't be pleased." She choked as she nearly tripped, but went further, anything to just get away from them. "No!"

"Heidi…"

Why am I scared? I must not be intimidated. She scolded herself mentally. That was what I told myself to feel. Yet the pain returned, and her thoughts were left disoriented. But she heard the name again, then stopped from her desperate efforts and turned to face him. "That's not my name!"

"The other one? That's a ridiculous name, she doesn't exist. Your name is Heidi remember? And you are mine."

She gasped angrily, and suddenly, a side of her, consisted of the past and the hurts, wanted to release itself. And she found herself trying to control her fury, and her fear, "Leave me alone," she gritted.

"You just left us."

She remembered when she last heard those words and shuddered. "Damn you!" she screeched, her eyes filling with painful tears. "I will never come back. I'm not the same person anymore."

"Oh yes you are, you sadist little fox."

She faced her back, and there she stood. Along with all the others she had been with before.

"You think you're not a part of us anymore? You're bound to us, to the master. And you thought you could escape and leave them all behind? How insipid you are."

Her eyes widened frantically as she walked backwards. She shook her head unbelievingly. "I'm not -"

"Oh, so the only silent trainee started talking. Oh look at that, she's scared, when for once, she had led our baton. She can't even cuss anymore."

She shook at their words, and her arms balled into fists, "Look, I told you to leave me alone! I don't want to anymore. I'm different now, and I'm not who I used to be. I want to live my life on my own now. Now please, -"

Suddenly, a pale hand gently lay on her shoulder, and she froze. Then the same hand trailed down her arms… to her hands, in the inciting, dark way it had always been. Then wet lips brushed over her white cheeks, licking the traces of her tears. She whimpered, and a soft laugh reached her ears. His hand stopped before her own, and his thumb lay circling motions on it, then swaying to form a symbol; a star.

"Stop," she begged as the tears fell, and his other arm clasped her waist to him. She had been hiding for years, and now there was no escape…

"Welcome back, Heidi," he whispered, and she gasped.

Then they all started laughing as he laughed along with them, and his arms tightened around her… he was hissing in her ear. "I'll follow you wherever you go, Child."

Then the world spun around her, out of control. Her tears, the laughter, all the menace, the mocking of her dignity, the feel of his arms on hers… the threats, all circled her, enveloping her into a world of pain, confusion, death and frustration. She then finally screamed out of the intensity of it all.

"I follow yu."

"Stop from hiding, yu will die."

"Its bin a long time. Da master wud be pleased."

"GOT yu! HA Ha HA!"

Icy blue eyes…

A gentle smile…

… She's beautiful… Our daughter…

Then laughter

Then pain

Then death

And at the end of the tunnel, a person stood in the center. Her form shook, incredulous, no, it could not be. He was smiling at her, and had an affectionate look in his eyes. His arms were open, ready to receive her, if not teasing her a bit. It was like the very first time she had met him.

I am safe, she concluded finally, her eyes widening. Finally, they're all gone. She tried to hold out a hand to reach for him.

Then once again, they appeared… they all formed a wide, frightening circle around him… one had a gun pointed at him…

He whispered her name…

He smiled, "You've been hiding behind the backs of too many people, Heidi."

"No…"

"You will kill him, you know? Once a killer, always a killer." And he used the gun.

Then Duo Maxwell, oblivious to everything, fell to the ground and died.

"It has begun."

She awoke in the dead of the night, tears falling down her face. She then noticed the notes on the side of her table and nodded frantically.

It was just a dream.

It was a nightmare.

~~~

In the darkness of the room, a figure stood, staring, and waiting for her.

It had been years… how many, two? It had taken him that much to think, and to feel. And now he was sure, and was ready to go through whatever it took, just to make things right.

He didn't know how he would feel.

Then she entered the room, and he gasped at her appearance.

So beautiful, so kind and gentle, her golden brown hair fixed so enigmatically, swaying as she moved, her deep blue eyes, those that captured him from the start… yet then, he was unknown to her. Am I doing what is right?

It took me two years to understand, he thought grimly to himself as he finally moved to be seen in the open. It is the right time.

She walked away from her vanity mirror and turned to her bed, only to find him standing before her.

"Heero," Relena gasped.

End.