Title: Masters of Going Nowhere
Author: AznSage
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.
Pairings: Naruto/Sasuke (Probably in that order. Actually, I don't know.), minor pairings--i.e. Lee/Sakura, Shikamaru/Ino.
Rating: PG-13
Note: I need a crack outlet. And this is it. Of course, once I get crack out of my system, it means I can work on serious things (like those Saiyuki fics that've been sitting on my harddrive, waiting to be checked over...) But yes, this is pure crack. After all, how often do I write mutli-chaptered romantic comedies? Really now. Not Sakura-centric POV, though it may seem like that in the first chapter.

Sakura had liked him for many years. Too many years to even remember, actually. Well, alright, seven years or so. She was very good at remembering details like this. Of course, because of this keen insight of hers, she began to notice them. Those light touches, those synchronized movements, those few sentences that they finished together. Little things like that from him.

Oh, and if you thought she meant Sasuke and her, how very wrong you are.

She had been watching him for so long that she had even gotten his schedule down pat. Well, except the parts that required breaking and entering. Or stalking. She hadn't been that crazy about him. Well, it had lessened over the years. And when she had been young enough to want to do that, she hadn't had the skill to. Sigh. Such is life.

But yes, back to the point. She had noticed slight changes of late. Actually, she had noticed them for a while, but it didn't really register as important. According to her Sasuke-watching notes, he had grown more and more fond of instant foods and cute fluffy animals. He lacked the stiffness he used to in social situations and, while still a loner at best, he occasionally contributed to the conversation.

Though, those weren't the important parts. The important part was that Sasuke would exhibit these habits most often when around only one other person.

Who, of course, was now her other subject of amusement.

One Uzumaki Naruto.

She had grown out of her silly childhood crush for Sasuke, but she had never said anything about having done so to anyone. The less she said, the more it meant she was allowed to watch him and not have it questioned. Much, anyway. And even if she spied on Naruto when they were around each other, he was too loud and overbearing to notice her watching him from the corner of her eye. She wasn't the smartest girl in the village for nothing.

All in all, it had been easy to draw her conclusion.

So, what did Haruno Sakura learn after years of careful watching and deduction?

Why, that Sasuke liked Naruto. And that Naruto liked Sasuke.

When she first realized it, she had felt no shock. It was the obvious choice to make really. Sasuke had never been one to care for females, so perhaps at a younger age he had already given his heart to someone. "Yes, yes." she had said. But why Naruto? Of course, with no actual answer, her mind's "Just because" made plenty of sense at the moment.

But Sakura was not one to sit idly by while two of her closest friends were dancing around each other. She had noted their behaviors well enough, and lo and behold, it was true enough that they exhibited classic signs of males holding unresolved sexual tension for each other.

Yes, this would be difficult, getting them to finally admit it to one another, but she would accept any challenge. Nothing could stop her!

And, if her notes were as accurate as her guessing, she suspected that several others had attempted to get the two together, though to no avail. (Though, she suspected that Shikamaru had failed for lack of enthusiasm rather than lack of ingenuity.)

"Oi, Sakura-chan!" Ah, and there was Naruto now, still calling her by that familiar childhood name that had never lost its affectionate tone.

"Good morning, Naruto." She smiled in a friendly way at him, her mind frantically taking in all the data it possibly could.

Why? Because this morning seemed…different. Naruto did not smell the same. He still wore clothes that he had worn last night. He looked very much so rumpled. And, if she wasn't seeing things (which she wasn't), there was a purple bruise on his right cheek and a large handprint on the left.

Oh yes, and he was walking with a limp.

Before she could further analyze though, the other half of our wily pair had shown up and grunted in greeting.

Wait…no…he did not just grunt in greeting, he had actually said "Good morning." And he too had a similar bruise on his right cheek and did not look very well-rested at all.

Now that was different.

So she just had to open her mouth to ask.

"Um…Naruto, Sasuke-kun, why on Earth do the two of you look like you just came out of a hole in the ground?" She sniffed a bit in the air. "And why do both of you smell like you just came out of a hole in the ground?"

Naruto grinned at her while Sasuke just glared angrily at the question. "Ah, Sakura-chan, it's complicated. But it involved goose shit, women, and alcohol."

"Lots and lots of alcohol." Sasuke supplied helpfully.

"Yes. And a ditch. But that was an accident."

Sakura really didn't know how to respond to that. But hey, at least they were still spending time with each other besides just sparring.

"Er…shall we go get breakfast then? And perhaps a bath for the two of you?" She held her nose and waved her hand at them for emphasis.

"Sure, but we have to stop by the now utterly demolished Uchiha mansion first. Sasuke…"

"No, you."

"Alright fine, I," said Naruto sarcastically. "Had a hand in helping…"

"Oi! How was that helping?!"

"Well, damnit, I really was trying to help but then that girl…"

"I call it havoc is what it was!"

"Damnit, Sasuke, it was not…"

"If you don't count destroying a good part of my house havoc, I don't know what is!"

And so it continued, on and on. Along with the finger pointing, the shirt grabbing, the one-upping, and the teeth-gritting.

Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, they had actually arrived at said Uchiha mansion and Sakura just gaped.

"What in the name of all that is good happened here?"

"It was Naruto's fault." sulked Sasuke.

"It was his fault too." The two glared at each other, ready to start another argument, when Sakura waved a hand between the two to get their attention.

"So where will Sasuke-kun be staying?"

"Well, he stayed at my place yesterday night because I was the only around who kuso baba could assign something to on such short notice. Though, if you think about it, there are plenty of girls around who would love to have him…"

"Ugh, don't even go there. I wouldn't make it out with any of my belongings. In an hour."

Sakura nodded. "Is that why you guys have bruises on your face?"

Naruto rubbed his bruise emphatically. "Hell no! This was because Sasuke was an idiot and insulted that woman! Damnit, she packed a punch!"

"Naruto, that was Ino and you were trying to hit on her. And the one who punched you was Shikamaru, not her."

"Oh, then Sasuke-kun, what about your bruise?"

"That was when the idiot missed."

"I did not miss! You just got in the way!"

"How is standing still getting in the way?!"

Sakura sweatdropped and tried to distract them. "Ah…so what about that slap on the cheek on Naruto's face?"

Both boys froze at that.

"Well?"

"Naruto tried to hit on an inappropriate person."

Naruto just walked ahead of the two without another word.

"So I'm assuming we have to go to Hokage-sama to get word on where you'll be staying, Sasuke-kun?"

"Yes, but it'll only be temporary. She's trying to find an apartment for me somewhere closer anyway since it's kinda annoying for me to be so far removed from the central area of activity when I'm a key part of Konoha's protection."

"Oh blah blah blah, Sasuke. She just doesn't want you to be holed up somewhere brooding by yourself."

Sasuke's vein throbbed and once again, the arguing began.

Sakura sighed, it couldn't be helped. They were idiots. Idiots that really liked each other, but still, idiots.

Which was exactly why she really hoped Hokage-sama was just as insightful as her (or even more so!) and somewhat helped in getting the two of them together. Besides, it wasn't like there was anything else to do. Perhaps she would feel like playing matchmaker. Damn straight that Sakura was up to it.

End Part I

Right. It seems really stupid and pointless now, but damnit, I actually have random stupidity lined up for the two of them. I just don't wanna fit that much in a chapter. Really, I'm not kidding.