a/n: Hey guys. I wanted to fix this story up like I am doing with all my others. It'll be quick, painless...but I noticed that ninety percent of the chapters are grammatically atrocious and chalk-full of spelling errors.

Now, I wanna tell you a little bit about this version of the story. Obviously, its rather AU, being that I highly doubt James Potter would ever do these kinds of things. But that aside, my original plan for this story was to express the effects of pain and what horrific trials in life can do to a person. There will still be suicidal tendencies as well as drug use, foul language and sexual exploits. Please note that I, by no means, promote any of these things. Yes, suicide and drug use is no bueno. :D I wanted to evoke a sense of reality, for the story to seem real and express the real thoughts and real emotions people feel when they feel they have nothing in the world. And I apologize in advance if Lily's behavior to James changes so rapidly...its all for sake of story, although I'll try my damnedest to make it as realistic as possible.

Now, without further ado, the new-and hopefully improved-Tears in Heaven.

Tears In Heaven Rewrite. Lily Evans always took things too seriously. James Potter is on the road to self-destruction.

Chapter One: A Day in the Life

I don't feel the way I've ever felt. I know. Gonna smile and not get worried. I try but it shows. Anyone can make what I have built. And better now. Anyone can find the same white pills. It takes my pain away.

-Takes My Pain Away (Jimmy Eat World)

Somewhere between the end of last term and September First James Potter had changed. He knew this was so when he arrived at Platform 9 ¾ that morning. Tucked beneath his robes was the Head Boy badge that had arrived in the mail a few nights ago, proof of his shift from the mischievous boy to the full grown man-at least by wizard standards-that he was today.

He wasn't quite sure he even wanted the position. Sure, being Head Boy granted him lots of benefits. He would be allowed to stay out later, make rules and have some control over what the school would offer the student body. It also meant private dorms. With private bathrooms. But being Head Boy also meant responsibilities, ones he didn't know if he could handle. James wasn't weak-he was a Potter, after all-but times had changed and people had died and the duties that surely came with holding the highest student position Hogwarts had to offer a student seemed like too much too soon.

Then there was the Head Girl. Over the summer he had tried to forget Lily Evans. She had scorned him, denied him, brutally beaten and bruised his ego. The facts were, James Potter was in love with Lily Evans, and she in turn wanted nothing to do with him.

So over the summer, he stopped. He stopped writing her letters and going on and on about her whenever given the chance. He stopped arguing with his friends about giving up on the fiery redhead, because he had. Given up on her, that is. At least, he had done the best he could. You never truly get over a person after you have fallen for them.

He just buried her memories with those of his parents. They were memories he didn't need; memories he didn't want.

He knew she was sitting there in the designated Head compartment. She was probably eagerly awaiting to see who the Head Boy was, Remus Lupin maybe or Frank Longbottom perhaps. She certainly wasn't expecting James Potter. That much was clear because her eyes widened a fraction and her mouth fell open when he slid the compartment door open. She quickly regained her composure.

"What are you doing here, Potter?" Her voice was filled with discontent.

James resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He pulled his robe aside, revealing the Head Boy badge. Lily's mouth fell agape and she blinked twice, three times, and ended with, "Merlin's beard, Dumbledore must have gone mad."

Ignoring her, he made his was into the compartment and took the seat furthest from her, right by the window. He wouldn't talk to her; wouldn't look at her. He couldn't. It would ruin everything. How could he get over her if she was sleeping, showering, living no more than ten feet from him? Yes, this Head Boy fiasco was certainly turning sour indeed.

"I can't believe this." Lily growled, crossing her arms. She glared in his direction. "It has to be some kind of joke. Or a mix up of some sort. You weren't even a Prefect! I mean, you don't even go to class, Potter!"

She got him there. He couldn't help but smirk in her direction.

"Sorry, Evans, but its real. Wanna touch it?" Lily made a disgusted noise and crossed her arms and legs, looking away from him. She continued to mumble incoherently to herself, giving James a chance to study her for the millionth time.

She wore her long red hair in a neat plait. A few stubborn strands poked rebelliously from the tight bind and framed her soft cheeks. She had applied a small amount of blush, never being one for make up, and outlined her almond shaped eyes with coal, making the green of her iris stand out. She was already in her uniform, and the way her legs crossed, the end of her skirt edged up, giving him a healthy view of her long milky legs.

He tore his gaze from her and stared out the window. Don't look at her. Don't look at her. He repeated it as if it were a mantra, and focused hard on the buildings and houses that flew by as the Hogwarts Express picked up speed. He figured she was going to ignore him for the whole trip and rather hoped that she would. Naturally, Lily did just the opposite and turned to sneer at him.

"Look, Potter, being that you're the Head Boy and I'm the Head Girl, we're going to have to work together, though how we can do this with your non-existent work ethic, is beyond me. Dumbledore must have really lost it." She rolled rolled her eyes. "But listen carefully. I've worked really hard to get where I am now. I take this position very seriously, even though you obviously won't. Don't mess this up for me, got that?"

Every cold and calculated word bit into him, each sharper than the next. He touched his forearm and ran his fingertips lightly over the robe covered skin. Her words were sharper than the cuts that adorned his wrists.

He stared at her, feeling the anger bubbling up inside his stomach. There it was. The change in him. The rage that had come out of nowhere, the anger that could only be settled in two ways: pain or ecstasy, both feelings she could no long ignite within him. He gripped the loose material of his velvet robes in tight fists and clenched his jaw. The words were rising in his throat, threatening to spill out. They would be cold, choice words; words he could never take back. He promptly kept his mouth shut.

She huffed, taking his silence as arrogance. Lily had a habit of doing that. Just like she had a habit of assuming everything.

"This is going to be impossible! The minute we get to school, I'm speaking to Professor Dumbledore about this!" She cried angrily. James blinked as she clenched a piece of Muggle paper in her hands, then smoothed it out quickly.

"What's that?" He asked, staring at the strange parchment. Lily looked down at her hands and then back up at him.

"It's the list of things we need to discuss at the meeting today."She said, blushing slightly. James raised a brow. A list? He had forgotten that as Head Boy and Girl, they were to conduct an opening meeting before they arrived at school. The Prefects out to be arriving soon.

As if his thought were command, the door slid open and the first of the Prefects arrived. It was two Ravenclaws; a boy with short blond hair and a girl with her own blond locks pulled into a tight braid.

"I told you the rumors were true, Ally. James Potter is Head Boy!" The boy said, grinning wildly at James. The girl blushed and nodded, deciding to take the seat closest to Lily and furthest from the hottest boy in Hogwarts. The boy, in turn, took his seat across from James.

"Hey. I'm William Bell. It's an honor to have you as our Head Boy, James Potter."

In the distance, Lily snorted. James flashed a quick glare at her before grinning at the boy.

"Its an honor to be Head Boy. Congratulations on getting Prefect." He turned to the girl. "And what's your name?"

Noting his attention, Ally's blush ten folded. "Allison Brocklehurt, sixth year, Ravenclaw." She looked down into her lap. James shrugged her behavior off. Girls always acted like that when he and his best friends were around. He'd just come to terms that most girls were bubbling nervous wrecks when cute boys were near.

"Nice to meet you, Allison." James flashed a perfect grin at her. The lopsided smile that had earned him title of one of the hottest boys in Hogwarts. It worked perfectly. Allison stared at him in awe for a fraction of a second before staring into her lap.

The door slid open and more students began piling in. Soon, all the Prefects had arrived. Jules Robinson and Adrian McDougal were the Hufflepuff Prefects. A pretty brown haired girl named Melissa Duffy was the Slytherin Prefect. James frowned when Regulus Black, his best mate's younger brother, sat in the seat next to Melissa. Rosalie Burke and Barty Crouch Junior were the Gryffindor Prefects.

The compartment was larger than the others, giving enough room for all the House Prefects and the Heads. Lily shut the door to the compartment and stood with her back against it. James took that as his sign to follow her. He took his place by Lily, being sure not to touch her in the slightest. He leaned back against the wall. Lily stole a short look at him before clearing her throat.

"Alright, everyone." No one seemed to notice them standing there, and promptly ignored Lily's soft voice. James couldn't blame them. The excitement of school and meeting up with friends always got the better of people. Besides, Evans wasn't the most commanding of all people. He glanced down at her as she attempted to get their attention again, only to fail miserably. He smirked.

"Oi!" Perfect. The room fell silent at James' deep, loud voice. He grinned down at Lily who looked at him as if unsure whether to be thankful or annoyed. She decided on neither and turned back to the sea of Prefects who looked up at them curiously.

"Welcome, everyone. My name is Lily Evans and I'm your Head Girl. Congratulations on being chosen as your House's Prefect. I'm sure you're all excited for a great new year and very proud that you have been chosen. And I'm sure you're aware that being chosen for this position means you exert some sort of leadership and responsibility. Being a Prefect means you are a leader among your peers, and as their leader, you must work hard and always do your best."

James leaned back against the wall and hesitated from rolling his eyes. Was this Lily's idea of a pep talk? While she may have been Gryffindor Prefect last year, James felt that she had no idea what being a leader meant. As Captain of his Quidditch team two years now, James decided to show her how it was done.

"You guys are gonna do great! This is gonna be a wicked year. Both Miss Evans and I have complete faith in you." Except for maybe you, Regulus Black, James thought sourly, as he and the young Black brother exchanged cool glares. While Regulus may have looked similar to his brother, same dark, windswept hair, same cool brown eyes and same handsome features with strong cheekbones; their personalities couldn't differ more. Where James' best friend was lively and witty, Regulus was silent and arrogant. James had never liked the younger boy much, then again, he didn't care for many Blacks or Slytherins.

He barely noticed Lily's quick glare at his bravado. She fiddled with her braid. "This is James Potter, your Head Boy." She nearly choked on the word. James grinned and clapped her on the shoulder.

"Evans and I are looking forward to working with all of you."

Lily stared, rather dumbfounded, as all four Prefect girls giggled. She never understood why girls acted so...stupidly around James Potter. She looked at him sideways. Sure, he was attractive, even she couldn't deny that. He had thick, unruly black hair that always looked messed up and deep hazel eyes. He had been a Chaser for Gryffindor longer than she could remember, and it showed. Even beneath his Quidditch robes, Lily could see the contours of his thick, muscular frame. Still, he had a horrid personality. He was rude, a bully and quite frankly, obnoxious. He rarely attended class, and when he did decide to grace everyone with his presence, he was loud and foolhardy. Still, Lily decided that that's what girls liked; the mischievous bad boy. She refrained from rolling her green eyes.

"Now, let's all introduce ourselves." Lily said, taking the reigns again. The students all exchanged looks. They had been going to Hogwarts together all their lives, were introductions really necessary? But one look from the Head Girl made them all do as they were told.

"Jules Robinson, Hufflepuff." The buxom dark haired girl in the corner said, flashing her straight white teeth in James' direction. James smirked back, noting her full figure. Being Head Boy might not be so bad after all...

Jules' partner, a red haired, nervous looking boy with glasses introduced himself as Adrian McDougal. Ally and William introduced themselves. James and Regulus locked eyes when he stood and curtly said his name. After introductions were made, Lily began the meeting.

He had barely paid attention, except to enter in a word here and there, deciding that Lily was a little better at the business stuff than he was. He was lost in thought, watching her deliver a speech she had probably written down and memorized beforehand. James could see her standing in front of her bedroom mirror over the summer reciting it. He snorted.

Summer had been different for him. In the Muggle world, Lily had little to worry about. She could spend time with her family, sleep in to all hours of the day and stay out late with friends. In his world, things weren't so simple. His parents, both Ministry Officials, had been killed that summer. There had been a raid, Death Eaters doing what Death Eaters do. Mari and Jon Potter didn't stand a chance, even though they were great wizards.

The house had become still, quiet. It seemed too large without them there, and James caught himself several times feeling the urge to burn it. His mother would have killed him for such thoughts. She loved their home; she said it was like treasure chest full of their memories. That summer, every picture, every chair, everything was another reminder of what he had lost. It made him sick.

Thankfully, Sirius had gotten his own flat. Mari and Jon had been like surrogate folks to Sirius, and he had stayed many summers with the Potters. He quickly invited James into his home.

"You shouldn't have to stay there if you don't want to." Sirius had said, patting his friend comfortingly on the shoulder. James had appreciated his friend's hospitality, but knew he couldn't burden him for long. As much as the emptiness of the home stung him, he knew he couldn't sell it. He would move back in right after graduation. After all, it beat having to make house payments. The Potter estate was large. He had come from money.

That was how it all started. The nightmares began shortly after the funeral. There were times when he didn't sleep at days. He'd pace his room, pace the hallways of his house, and always wind up in his parents' old bedroom. It was all still perfectly intact, as if they hadn't passed away, just were away, at work or something. The bile rose in his throat when he stared at his mother's smiling face in a picture hanging off the wall. Mari Potter's black hair and brown eyes stared back into his and he resisted the overpowering urge to slam his fists into the glass of the frame. He was angry, no doubt about it. Always angry, these days.

He left the Potter manor, leaving it with all its belongings, perfect, just in case. He knew better, though. No one survived one of the four unforgivable curses. He could imagine his parents standing there, screaming in pain as the Death Eater Momphous Hornsby laughed maniacally, the curiciatous curse coursing through their veins.

He'd get him, if it was the last thing he did. He'd find that son of a bitch who killed his parents and inflict every ounce of torture imaginable on him. He didn't care what it did to him, if it ate away at his soul. Murder these days was nothing. Everyone was being murdered and everyone was a murderer.

"...Does anyone have any questions?" Lily's voice came,strangely calming him down. None of the Prefects raised their hands. "Good. Well, that's it. You guys are welcome to stay, but you're dismissed." Everyone nodded and made their way out of the Head compartment and toward their respective ones. Jules stopped in the doorway, smiling at James.

"It's going to be a pleasure working with you too, James." She said flirtatiously. James grinned at her and ran a hand through his black hair, a nervous habit he had never been able to shake.

"Good to hear. You headed back to the other compartments?" He said. Jules' eyes lingered back toward Lily, who had taken a seat and was staring out the window, trying desperately to ignore their little conversation. She smirked and ran a hand up and down James' arm. In the reflection of the glass window, Jules noted Lily's green eyes sharpen.

"I should head back to the girls. They'll wanna know all about my meeting with James Potter." She giggled. James nodded and crossed his arms, looking dashing indeed.

"Well, I'll see you at the school then, Jules." She beamed.

"See you."

She left, leaving James and Lily to themselves. Lily was still concentrating on the English countryside as it flew by. Nighttime was approaching, and the lights in the compartment flashed on. She had occupied his place by the window. He sat closest to the door, remembering to keep the distance. But this time, he couldn't keep his eyes off her. He knew this would happen. Lily was gone during the summer, far from the Potter estate, far enough for him to pretend that she didn't exist. But now she was in the compartment with him, sitting just a few feet away, and she was once again very, very real. He gulped.

This was going to be harder than he thought.