Kafei's Story

Note: Okay, I got an email fron Fanfiction.net telling me that my story was removed because it was "in list form" or some bullshit like that so I'm re-formatting it a little...

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Hello, I'm Kafei Doutor.

I'm 24 years old even though I look to be only 13.

That damned Skull Kid, he turned me into a kid...FOREVER.

Now, I'll never be able to um...how do you young people say it... "bust a nut"?

Or ride the HUGE roller coasters at Cedar Point...

Or get into strip clubs.

Anyways, enough about that...I'm just here to say a couple things...

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First of all, I divorced Anju.

Y'know that scene in the game where I bust into the room and me & Angie have that oh-so-touching moment with the hug?

That didn't really happen...

First of all, I arrived much earlier and not at 4 or 5am. Link had enough courtesy to ask me if I wanted a lift with the Song Of Soaring.

When Anju saw me, she laughed in my face. She said that there was "no way in hell that she'd commit statuatory rape".

That pissed me the hell off so I yanked her hair until Link pulled me off. I ran to the milk bar to cry.

Booooo-hooooooo

The sad thing is that looking at a person like Anju, you'd never expect that to happen.

Bitch...

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Two, my name is KAFEI, dammit!!

Not "Kah-fee", or "kaf-ee-yay" of "cafe".

It's KAFEI. K-A-F-E-I.

Kuh-fay.

Now you try...

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Another thing, my purple hair...

Is real.

Not dyed, not a wig, not a hair weave.

It's natural.

My mom had red hair, and my dad's hair is blue.

And if you know your colors, it makes a lot of sense.

But I have no idea where the hell I got red eyes.

Maybe it was my mom, I never saw her with her eyes open.

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For the last time, I AM NOT A SHEIKAH!

Those guys are creepy.

I HAVE met Sheik before, what a wierdo.

Plus, that Impa girl looks like...

a fucking Amazon or something.

I get chills up my spine just LOOKING at her scary ass...

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Sorry ladies, but you cannot have my phone number.

Mainly because I don't have a phone.

But if you'd like to write me a letter, that's fine.

Unless you can't read or write...

Then you would be SOL.

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Boy, I love my Keaton Mask

It's cool, and shiny.

Plus, hiding under a paper bag was getting tiresome,

and extremely uncomfortable.

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Yes, I'm a child forever

I went to the Great Fairy

There was "nothing she could do"

She sounded like...a fucking doctor

I didn't want to go to that wierd professor guy in Great Bay.

He's a psycho.

Plus, I'm scared of the Leevers that live on the beach.

Oh well, at least I won't die of old age.

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Oh man, Sorry Link

This would've been a lot easier if it wasn't for the postman.

He knew where I was.

He didn't wanna tell you.

What an asshole.

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Do you know that girl who runs the Treasure Chest shop in East Clock Town?

She is my sister.

Her name is Soda Dotour and she's 2 years older than I am.

Yep, Soda...like the beverage.

She's a real ditz.

She needs to get off her lazy ass and find a husband for Chrissakes instead of

flirting with the customers.

But her hair is dyed.

She had my mother's red hair.

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Ladies, PLEASE stop pairing me in yaois and shounen-ai stuff

I know I'm sexy, but please

STOP IT!!

I would appreciate it if there were to be no more stories about me doing some

other guy in the butt.

I don't see how you females can enjoy that!

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Thank you and I hoped this information has benifitted you in some way.

Oh, and did I tell you that I hired a hit man to kill that asshole, Sakon for...um, "jacking" me for my mask.

Damn, I hate your 2000's slang...

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And that ends Kafei's Story! At least for now...

Please review

Oh, and really...MAKE SURE you follow the guidelines of Fanfiction.net because it really sucks having your license suspended for a whole week.

Mz/Chx