Hiyee minna! It's just crazy old Cherry Blossom with her weird and pointless junk. I came across a wonderful series of parodies by Sicily and couldn't resist doing my own little take on it. Obviously I don't own Hamlet. My name is not Shakespeare and I can't write sonnets worth beans. Hope you guys enjoy this.
Hamlet in Five Minutes!!
Act 1, Scene 1
Bernardo: I saw a ghost.
Marcellus: I saw it too.
Horatio: Idiots. There's no such thing as ghosts.
Marcellus: Oh yeah? Then what's that? ::points to ghost::
Horatio: Damn. Guess I was wrong.
Bernardo: Idiot.
- Act 1, Scene 2
Claudius: Ha ha. Now that my brother is dead, I get to make it with his wife. Sucker!
Gertrude: I don't think Hamlet likes you much.
Claudius: What makes you say that?
Hamlet: You suck. My dad was much better then you.
Claudius: He's dead. Quit bitching and moaning about it and get on with your life.
Hamlet: Bite me.
Horatio: Hey, Hamlet! I saw a ghost. It looked like your dad.
Hamlet: Seek mental help.
Horatio: No, really. Come see.
Hamlet: Fine.
Act 1, Scene 3
Laertes: I'm leaving.
Ophelia: Good riddance.
Polonius: Behave yourself.
Laertes: Whatever, dad. ::leaves::
Polonius: Quit messing around with Hamlet, Ophelia. I don't want any little princes of Denmark running around.
Ophelia: Yeah, yeah.
Act 1, Scene 4
Hamlet: It's too freakin' cold out here. ::sees ghost:: Hey! Dad!
Horatio: Don't go with the ghost, man. That's how you get killed.
Hamlet: Shut up.
Horatio: Okay.
Act 1, Scene 5
Ghost: Your uncle murdered me.
Hamlet: That bastard!
Ghost: Get revenge.
Hamlet: Will do. ::writes down in his date book under "things to do"::
Ghost: Thanks. ::leaves::
Horatio: Are you alright?
Hamlet: I'm gonna pretend to be crazy for awhile, okay?
Horatio: Good plan.
Act 2, Scene 1
Polonius: Go check up on my son.
Reynaldo: Sure. ::leaves::
Ophelia: Hamlet's gone bonkers!
Polonius: Really? Let's go tell the king.
Act 2, Scene 2
Claudius: Go spy on Hamlet.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Okay. ::leave::
Polonius: I've found out why Hamlet's been acting so weird.
Claudius: Really? Why?
Polonius: He's obsessed with my daughter.
Claudius: Let's spy on them.
Polonius: Okay.
Gertrude: Honestly, what's with you men and spying?
Claudius: You wouldn't understand.
Gertrude: Damn right! ::king and queen leave::
Hamlet: ::enters::
Polonius: Do you know who I am?
Hamlet: You are an idiot.
Polonius: He really is crazy. ::leaves::
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Hi Hamlet!
Hamlet: What are you doing here?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Um…visiting you?
Hamlet: Yeah right.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: ::look guilty:: Er…um…hey look! Actors!
Hamlet: Great. I love the theater. I can prove that the king murdered my dad this way!
Act 3, Scene 1
Polonius: Here. Pretend to read this book.
Ophelia: This idea is stupid.
Polonius: Shut up.
Claudius and Polonius: ::hide::
Hamlet: Should I kill myself or not. Hmm…I'm thinking…not! Hi Ophelia.
Ophelia: Whazzup!
Hamlet: Whazzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!!
Ophelia: Uh...anyway…I wanted to give you your stuff back. Since we broke up, I thought you might want some off this junk.
Hamlet: I didn't give you anything.
Ophelia: Oh really? Then what's this? ::holds up box of stuff::
Hamlet: Shut up! Go away! Go be a nun! Leave me alone! Women are the root of all evil. Especially you, bitch. ::leaves::
Ophelia: Well…that was uncalled for.
Polonius: He's a nut.
Claudius: Let's send him to England.
Polonius: Okay.
Act 3, Scene 2
Hamlet: I changed some of the lines in this play. Read it!
Actors: Bossy, ain't he.
Claudius: Hello Hamlet.
Hamlet: Bite me.
Gertrude: Come sit with me.
Hamlet: No! I wanna sit with Ophelia. She's prettier than youuuuuuuu. :goes over to sit by Ophelia:: Wanna sleep with me?
Ophelia: Pervert!
Hamlet: Hush, the play is starting.
Play-king: Ha ha ha. I'm going to kill my brother and marry his wife.
Claudius: ::cries like a baby:: I don't like this play. I'm going hoooooome! ::runs away::
Hamlet: Yeah! He fell for it!
Horatio: Whatever.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Hamlet, your mom wants you.
Hamlet: Now's my chance to cuss her out for betraying my dad.
Act 3, Scene 3
Claudius: Go with Hamlet to England.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Okay. ::leave::
Claudius: ::prays:: God forgive me for killing my brother and sleeping with his wife even though I'm not really sorry for doing it.
Hamlet: ::spying:: I should kill him now but since he's praying, I'll let him live a little while longer.
Act 3, Scene 4
Polonius: I'm going to hide behind this drapery so I can hear what you guys are saying.
Gertrude: Really, Polonius, this spying obsession is getting quite annoying.
Polonius: Shh! He's coming! ::hides::
Hamlet: What do you want, mom?
Gertrude: You've been very rude to your father.
Hamlet: He's not my father. You're a tramp.
Gertrude: How dare you say such a thing!
Hamlet: It's true.
Gertrude: Don't hurt me!
Polonius: Help!
Hamlet: Who's that? ::stabs drapery::
Gertrude: Now look at what you've done. You've killed Polonius. Nice going, idiot.
Hamlet: He was annoying anyway.
Gertrude: Yeah…you're right. He was annoying. But Ophelia's going to be pissed.
Hamlet: Shut up! You're still a tramp!
Gertrude: Quiet!
Hamlet: Slut! Whore! Tramp! Uh…poopy-pants!
Gertrude: All right, I admit it! I'm a whore! ::cries::
Ghost: Don't hurt your mom. That's very rude. You should be killing your uncle instead.
Hamlet: Sorry.
Gertrude: Y'know, you really are nuts.
Hamlet: Actually I'm just pretending.
Gertrude: Suuuuure.
Hamlet: Bye mom!
Gertrude: I should have adopted…
Act 4, Scene 1
Gertrude: Hamlet's killed Polonius.
Claudius: Oh dear. I guess we should find him.
Gertrude: You think?
Act 4, Scene 2
Rosencrantz: Hamlet! What did you do with Polonius' body?
Hamlet: Why should I tell you? You're a fink. You'll just go tell my uncle on me.
Guildenstern: We wouldn't!
Hamlet: Suuuuuure.
Rosencrantz: Just tell us where you put the body.
Hamlet: I'm not gonna tell you. 'Cause you suck! Nyaa! ::runs away::
Guildenstern: This isn't our day…
Act 4, Scene 3
Claudius: Where's Polonius?
Hamlet: He's worm food. Soon you'll be worm food too.
Claudius: What do you mean?
Hamlet: Dumb ass.
Claudius: I'm sending you to England with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
Hamlet: Oh goody! Let's go!
Act 4, Scene 4
Hamlet: Who's that?
Captain: That's Fortinbras. He's going to war over a wasteland.
Rosencrantz: He's an idiot.
Hamlet: I think he's very brave.
Guildenstern: You would.
Act 4, Scene 5
Gentleman: Ophelia's gone nuts.
Gertrude: Great. That's all I need. Another loony running around.
Ophelia: ::sings:: La, la, la! My dad's dead! La, la, la! I'm stark raving mad!
Gertrude: I hate that tune. Make her sing something else.
Laertes: I'm gonna kill the king! He killed my dad!!
Gertrude: Oh no, you don't want to do that.
Laertes: Like hell I don't!
Claudius: ::enters:: What do you want, Laertes?
Laertes: I wanna rip your guts out!
Claudius: Why?
Laertes: You killed my dad, you bastard.
Claudius: I didn't do that. Hamlet did.
Laertes: Oh. Well now I feel stupid.
Claudius: It's okay.
Ophelia: ::sings:: La, la, la! I've gone barmy! Laaaaaaaa!
Laertes: Well this is just great.
Gertrude: Isn't it though?
Claudius: Let's go in the other room and talk.
Laertes: Okay.
Act 4, Scene 6
Sailor: I have a letter for you.
Horatio: ::reads letter:: Hamlet's ship has been captured by pirates.
Sailor: That's nice.
Act 4, Scene 7
Claudius: Let's work together to kill Hamlet, Laertes. You can stab him in a duel.
Laertes: Are you sure that's enough? I mean, stabbing someone fatally might not work. I say we annoint the end of the sword with poison just for good measure.
Claudius: Great idea! And I can make him drink a cup of poisoned wine too!
Laertes: You think that might be overdoing things a little?
Claudius: Nah…
Gertrude: ::enters:: Ophelia is dead! She drowned herself!
Laertes: I'm not going to cry because tears are unmanly and I do not wish to be called a sissy-boy. I'll just go destroy something instead.
Gertrude: Whatever.
Act 5, Scene 1
1st Graveyard guy: Who died?
2nd Graveyard guy: Some noble woman. Who really cares.
1st Graveyard guy: You're right. Let's go have a beer.
Hamlet: Hey, look Horatio! A skull!
Horatio: What else would you expect to find in a graveyard?
Hamlet: Hey you! Graveyard dude!
1st Graveyard guy: My name is Harold.
Hamlet: Whatever. Who's skull was this?
1st Graveyard guy (Harold): Yorick's.
Hamlet: Hey I know that guy! He was my jester.
Horatio: ::yawns:: How interesting.
Claudius, Gertrude, Laertes, and a whole bunch of other people come in with Ophelia's dead body
Laertes: I wanna kiss my dead sister's lips before she's buried! ::jumps into the grave::
Gertrude: I say we leave him in there.
Hamlet: No! I loved Ophelia more! I should get to kiss her! ::also jumps into the grave::
Gertrude: Just bury them all. Please.
Act 5, Scene 2
Hamlet: I found out that dad was going to have me killed in England so I changed his orders around and had Rosencrantz and Guildenstern put to death instead.
Horatio: Way to go, man! You rock!
Hamlet: Yeah. I feel kinda bad about Laertes, though.
Osiric: ::enters:: Laertes is really good with a sword!
Hamlet: No one's better at swordplay then me! I'm challenging him to a duel!
Horatio: Something tells me that this is a bad idea.
Hamlet: Shut up, Horatio.
Claudius and Laertes and Gertrude enter with other people
Hamlet: I'm sorry about Polonius and Ophelia.
Laertes: I forgive you. But I still want to fight.
Hamlet: Me too.
Hamlet and Laertes fight with swords
Claudius: Drink this Hamlet.
Hamlet: Later. I'm busy at the moment.
Gertrude: I'll drink it! ::drinks::
Claudius: Noooooooo!
Gertrude: ::dies::
Laertes stabs Hamlet with the poisoned sword and then Hamlet stabs Laertes…also with the poisoned sword. Go figure.
Laertes: Oh damn. Now we're both going to die.
Hamlet: What do you mean?
Laertes: I stabbed you with a poisoned sword.
Hamlet: Damn! Well, might as well take some people with me. ::stabs Claudius::
Claudius: ::dies::
Laertes: Sorry about the poisoning thing.
Hamlet: Don't worry about it. You're almost dead anyway.
Laertes: ::dies::
Hamlet: Horatio! I'm gonna die!
Horatio: I think that that was already established by the whole poisoned sword thing.
Hamlet: Shut up and listen to me for once. I want Fortinbras to be king. Just because…I like his pants. They're cool. ::dies::
Fortinbras: All right! I get to rule Denmark! Whoo hoo!
Horatio: How come I never get to be king?
dead bodies are carted off stage
THE END