KOF S(h)itcom Hell. Part 25- The XXX Rated Episode.

Sunday afternoon, and most of the guys are just waking up now. Mai lies on the couch ill with a cold, covered in duvets, drinking hot lemony stuff. Ralf is looking excitedly through a collection of "adult" videos starring various KOF women and girls they received by mail order. The phone rings, and Terry answers, it's Krauser the landlord.

Terry- Aw not you. It's not time for rent already is it?

Krauser- I'm not calling for rent. I need two of you social rejects to cover in the convenience store I own. My usual wage slave was injured yesterday when Yamazaki and his imaginary camel held the store up for Jaffa Cakes and rolls of tinfoil.

Terry- I can't come myself, Mai's ill... hey I know. Kula and Gato will come for you. They'll be down shortly.

Krauser- Thanks guys. (puts phone down)

Kula- And who says I'm going to work in his shop today! With Gato?

Bob- Well you can't stay here, sister girl. Me, Terry and Ralf got a whole collection of hardcore porn tapes to get through.

Mai- I'm ill, so I can't go. I must lie here and be pampered. He needs two of you, and Gato's a social reject, just like Krauser asked for. "COUGH"! "COUGH"!

Kula- GATO! Wakey wakey! Me and you've just been "volunteered" to run Krauser's store today!

Gato- Zzzzz... Huh! Come back Vice... Aw it was just a dream again. What do you mean I'm going to work?

Shortly afterwards, Kula and Gato arrive at Krauser's convenience store to begin their shift. The German noble landlord explains things to them. Both temporary employees wear ugly purple uniform shirts, and badges with their names on.

Krauser- OK guys, there's 50 for each of you, plus your shares of this month's rent knocked off for this. I'll leave you to it, don't let me down.

Gato- Alright Kula, just so you know, I'm the shopkeeper, you're the lowly assistant. In fact... (takes a magic marker, and writes "ASSISTANT" on Kula's shirt)

Kula- I hate you Gato... hey, a customer. Hi Chris, can I help you?

Gato- You're the assistant, I do the talking. What do you want you little shit?

Chris- (fake deep voice) Uhh, can I have some (goes bright red) uhh, cigarretes? I'm forty two.

Kula- You're not... Mpph! (Gato shuts her up)

Gato- Of course you can kid. Here. (hands Chris the ciggies, and takes the money) Run along now. I'm just too nice that's my problem. Now where's the phone.

Kula- What are you up to now you weirdo? You've just broken the law.

Gato- Hello police, I wanna report an underaged kid buying cigarretes. It's Chris, the little Orochi girly boy, I expect him to be doing life in the Black Hole of Calcutta for this... Erm, who sold them to him? That's right, Kula. He used Orochi mind tricks on her to... What do you mean this is a waste of police time! Don't you hang up you pig! Damn! I try and do my bit as a responsible citizen, and what happens?

Back at the house, Terry, Ralf and Bob all sit in front of the TV with the set of unrated "adult" videos they got from mail order. An ill Mai is asleep on the couch, drugged up with medicine. The tapes come with very promising titles, and sexy pictures of their main female stars. Despite this, they can't help but feel disappointed so far with the first one, "Bonne Jenet's Big Jugs". The usually sexy pirate woman with a body to rival Mai's is now wearing baggy overalls, and holding up pots to the screen, discussing them.

Ralf- This isn't very erotic yet. Jenet doesn't usually wear this many clothes, even on a cold day.

Bob- Yeah, and what's with all the pottery? We don't want a documentary about this shit. Ralf, fast forward it a bit. See if we can find the good stuff. Maybe this is the attempt at plot before the sex.

Ralf- (after a minutes fast forwarding) Here we go, we've got a man coming on now. It's Robert Garcia. He's taking a wad of money out, this could be it. He's giving her the cash. Come on, come on...

Terry- And she's handed him an antique pot. It's a sale. Shit. Let me see the box (reads the back) "The lovely Bonne Jenet discusses 15th century French pottery, showing off an impressive set of jugs".

Bob- This is rubbish! Let's get another one on. This sounds pretty sexy. "Vice and Mature Get It On". The box says something about appliances, but come on. Can't get a much more suggestive title than that. Come on my beauties...

Terry- Hey, maybe "appliances" is an innocent sounding word to tell us they're using really hot sex toys.

The guys put this tape in, and get very excited. On screen, the sexy secretaries are dressed in safety issue boilersuits, and standing in front of a washing machine. They move closer to the screen, big stupid grins on their faces, drooling slightly.

Ralf- I get it. They're at the house of some man, or perhaps woman, in the typical "fix your broken applaince" plotline. Any moment now those suits will come off and there'll be a really exciting threesome.

Terry- (a few minutes later) I wish they'd get on with it. They're just kinda pressing buttons on different appliances. And I haven't seen this third person yet.

Bob- (a while later) Wait, read the back, bred'ren. "The gorgeous Orochi secretaries teach you the viewers how to switch on various household electrical appliances." Oh for fuck's sake.

Mai- Ha ha. You guys got crap porn. Serves you right for being perverts. And getting horny over women who aren't as sexy as me. Ha ha ha... "COUGH COUGH"!

Mai gets a pillow thrown into her head, but she's right. This so called "porn" is indeed crap. It was a mail order scam to shift rubbish that would otherwise be sold for a dollar in bargain bins. At the shop, Kula and Gato read through the papers, bored. As it's sunday, they're not very busy until Chang Koehan and Choi Bounge come, and puts a big pile of various sweets, cakes, and various high fat snack foods on the counter.

Chang- All this, plus a can of Diet Coke, 'Cause Kim's making me cut down on calories. Not a word to Kim about all this OK? Or the stolen chequebook I'm now gonna pay you with.

Kula- We can't take stolen cheques... (Gato hits her) OWW!

Gato- Quiet lowly assistant! Go mop the floor! Now, just make that cheque payable to Mr Gato Futaba.

Choi- Futaba? Any relation to Hotaru? She's so cute.

Gato- Uh, no! Who's she? Never heard of her! She's not here is she! I'm not her brother! Lies, all lies! She's stalking me, she's mad I tell ya... not that I know her of course! Uhh, moving on.

Kula- Don't mind him, he's a social reject. Now, if you were to give a generous tip to the assistant, I'm sure Kim need never hear about that chequebook.

Chang- Alright, but only 'cause it's Kim's own chequebook. Now, you haven't seen us, OK?

A short while later, the temporary shopkeepers see "I'm not Tetsuo, honest" NESTS clone K9999 lurking suspiciously around the shelves, putting items into the pockets of a long trenchcoat. As the clone tries to slip through the door, Kula uses her ice powers to trip him up. K9999 falls over, snacks, magazines, drinks and bargain bin DVDs fall out of his pockets.

Kula- Got you you shoplifter! Gato, I caught a thief! It's Akira's Tetsuo, the freak I used to work with at NESTS! Get me the hitting stick from under the counter!

K9999- I dare ya Kula! I am your superior! I'm the 9999th Kyo clone, I'm special! I'm pure evil, you can't... (Gato hands her the hitting stick) NOOOO! Please... AIIIEEEEE! (Kula beats him repeatedly)

Kula- This is what you get for shoplifting small easily hidden items! You've had this coming a long time Tetsuo boy! You always were an unpleasant arsehole, ever since NESTS! (hits him over and over again)

Gato- Go Kula, teach him a lesson. And let that be a warning to all who dare attempt to steal from... (sees Vice helping herself to a bottle of vodka) oh hello Vice. You're looking gorgeous today, as always.

Vice- I was gonna pay, really.

Gato- Don't worry about a little thing like that. No one as sexy as you can possibly be bad. Go on, help yourself to whatever you like in the shop. For free. And then we could go behind the frozen food section for mad, passionate lovemaking involving one of those whipped cream spray cans...

With Gato lost in his fantasies, Vice leaves the store pushing an entire shelf full of stock through the door. After this, K9999 limps away in pain, empty handed, having received a damn good thrashing. At home, the guys still have not given up hope of a night of x rated hardcore filth. Moving onto the next video, this one sounds very good indeed, as it has the promise of nudity at the very least.

Bob- Bred'rens, this tape sounds interesting, "Athena's Nude Class". Hey, we should get to see some skin here.

Ralf- Look. Co starring Jhun Hoon. I heard they're having a steamy affair. This movie can't possibly suck.

Terry- OK, here we go, Athena's entering the class, looking cute in her schoolgirl uniform. There's Jhun standing in the middle of the room. She sits down. NO! What's he doing! This isn't right!

Mai- He's taking his clothes off... ooh yeah, he's gonna get those boxers off. Come on, don't be shy, strip for Mai... YES! "COUGHCOUGHCOUGH"!

Bob- AAH! Naked Jhun standing in the middle of a class! Ah well, at least this means Athena has to strip now, and then they make love, and maybe those other students all join in for an orgy.

Ralf- (a few minutes later) I don't think that's what happens. She's just kinda sitting there, with a sketchbook, drawing his nude body. Fuck it, it's a nude life drawing class!

All three men- EWWWWW! close up on Jhun!

Mai- Hooray! Now I know what Athena sees in him. She has taste, I'll admit that. YAY! Another close up! "COUGH COUGH"!

Seeing far more of Jhun than they'd like to, the guys turn this video off. They then examine the rest of the tapes before watching anything else. Reading the backs of them, they realise that they've been had. Having paid a stupidly high amount of money for this shit, they feel embarrassed, and angry at what they ended up with. Between coughing fits, Mai is laughing her head off at them.

Terry- This is a scam! We've been had! They're all pretend porno crap!

Mai- Got that right. I see sexier stuff on one of my quiet nights in. "COUGH"! I did enjoy that Jhun one though, I wonder if there's a sequel?

Ralf- Look at this one. "Nakoruru: Innocence Lost". It says here, "A moving drama in which the adorable Nakoruru finds herself wrongly accused of being a spy to Capcom". It's a shitty TV movie disguised as porn!

Bob- We bought the entire collection of tapes, and they all suck! (the door is kicked open) Piss off... hi Krauser! Didn't expect you here!

Krauser- OK guys, it's that time again. I collected Mai's share of the rent last week at my birthday party. If you know what I mean. And Gato and Kula are in the shop.

Terry- Come on Krauser, we're a bit short this week. We had to fix the hot water which you never do anything about.

Krauser- Not my problem, I don't use your hot water, do I? (sees the tapes) Hey, what are these? Are you watching pornography in my property! Great! Whoah, these titles sound really sexy.

Bob- It's not what it looks like. Really, they're not...

Krauser- Tell you what. I'll take all these videos and borrow them for an indefinite amount of time, and we'll call it even on the rent for now. Deal, OK bye.

Krauser leaves with all the unwanted videos, thinking he's in for a night of seriously hot sex scenes. The guys roll about on the floor laughing, as Kula and Gato come into the room.

Kula- Guys, what's so funny? Is it crappy porn movie "acting"?

Mai- No... Krauser's walked away with a load of dud tapes as payment for the rent "COUGH"!

Ralf- He's gonna be sooo disappointed. We gave him a load of crap porn.

At his castle in the suburbs just outside Southtown, Krauser is ready for a night of erotic movie action. First, he has chosen the video "Vanessa Takes It Each End", which is nowhere near as good as it sounds. It features the sexy redhead, during her little known, short term job as a motorbike courier, delivering a package from one end of Southtown to the other.

Krauser- Come on, we've gotta see some action soon. OK, she's at least taken her crash helmet off to deliver the package. Surely now the rest of her courier outfit has to come off. Hey, it's Blue Mary, this is getting good. I always fighured she was a dirty girl with "Blue" in her name.

Shortly afterwards, the scene changes. Nothing sexy yet, but the landlord remains hopeful. He rubs his hands in anticipation for what he believes must surely come next.

Krauser- Here they go, into Mary's office. She's inviting Vanessa in for coffee, that's always a good sign. We know what "coffee" leads to in these films. Yes, yes... aw no. They're just having coffee and a bit of a chat. And it's the end. Bugger. What's next.

Through the night, he goes through every tape in the collection. With not even the briefest moment of erotica, Krauser vows to make his housemates suffer deeply for this, once he regains the will to live.

Note- I'd like to apologise to my fellow males for building up their hopes and expectations, only to cut them down so brutally. Sorry guys.