The Trials of Seven

By: ChocolateEclar

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I receiving any profit from, the story this fanfic is based on. The Great Diana Wynne Jones has the pleasure of owning Archer's Goon.

Claimer: I simply own the plot and my personification of Archer, Shine, Dillian, Hathaway, Torquil, Erskine, and Venturus's parents, Matri and Agustivo Destinatus, and their home planet, Caliga.

To Khilari: Sorry, but your quibble is incorrect. (laughs) In Archer's Goon, Catriona drinks coffee when she comes home from work all the time to combat her headache. (Coffee has caffeine in it, which helps the pain of headaches diminish slightly. I get headaches myself, so I drink soda with caffeine. It keeps the pain at bay sometimes.) I don't think anyone else was drinking coffee in any of my chapters, so that should be all right.

Thanks so much for the review. I'm glad everyone's in character so far.

To Kagome Sengoku: Oh, I want to go see Spiderman 2! (laughs) So it was really good? Thanks for reviewing!

Chapter 6: Another

Why did she have to be born? grumbled a young Archer. He was a lanky little boy with dark hair and very blue eyes. In the crib his mother was cooing into, was a plump little baby with little wisps of ebony hair. Shine.

Turning away sullenly, Archer left the room to sit on the top of the staircase. "Why couldn't it have been a boy?" he asked aloud. "No new baby would be even better!" Sulking for awhile, Archer thought about what it would be like to have brothers. Someone he could talk to about how things worked would be nice. He didn't want some ugly infant winning over his parents.

It was worse when Dillian was born. "Two sisters!" he shrieked, pulling at his hair. And this one was pretty, gaining far more attention than Shine had. Dillian was fair and delicate-looking with a slightly cunning edge. Archer had no idea how she kept tricking him into playing tea party with her, but it wasn't as annoying as Shine and her punches and kicks. "Look what I learned how to do!" she would say…right before she lashed out.

Yes, he wished for brothers!

When he received a brother though, he found Hathaway was no better at standing up to Shine and Dillian than him in his opinion. Hathaway would just stay very calm, so that the girls would become bored with him and leave him be.

Much later, Torquil was born. Instead of letting himself get teased or picked on, he would become enraged like Archer. But that didn't work well either. Shine was stronger and Dillian was shrewder.

No one dared pick on Erskine when he was born and big enough though. He towered over all the rest and was very solidly built. Archer came to decide to use Erskine to his advantage. He made sure Erskine was always willing to help him deal with the others.

It was different with the last though. Venturus wasn't so easily pushed around. He would complain if you tried to make him do anything…even if it was for his own good. Not to mention, he was always trying to surpass the rest of them. It had to be bigger and better or it wasn't right.

After awhile, Archer decided he'd like to take back his wish. He could handle two sisters. Four brothers were just too hard to cope with.

"The fools," hissed a scout from the High Union, watching the Sykes, Ginger Hind, Torquil, and Erskine gathered around the backyard of 10 Upper Park Street. She was perched behind the chimney of the house next door. "They think the High Union will listen to them? They won't pay attention to a bunch of Earthlings speaking for exiles."

"How long are you going to be gone?" Ginger could be heard asking Howard.

"Depends," Howard replied. "Atleast a week. Awful and I don't have to worry about school."

"Because you farm it?" Ginger asked.

"Yeah," admitted Howard. "I hate doing it though."

"He's going with?" gasped the scout named Phobein. Some of her dark hair escaped the bun on her head as the wind whipped it. "He can't!" The last sentence was spoken too loud.

Torquil vanished from the garden with a wave of his crozier. The next thing, Phobein knew, a man wearing a white toga and gold sandals had grabbed her wrists from behind. Torquil reappeared in the backyard…Phobein in tow.

"Release me!" she hissed, lashing out at Torquil.

"Phoebe Preston?" said Ginger astonishedly.

"My name is Phobein!" hollered the struggling girl.

"Our little mole from Mother and Father," announced Torquil.

"Wait a minute," said Erskine suddenly. "What's your real last name? Not Preston."

"Destinatus!" riposted Phobein.

"What?" yelled Howard.

"Thought so," remarked Erskine. "Looks too much like Torquil. Eyes like Archer though."

Sure enough, Howard noticed how Torquil's short, dark curls were like Phobein's long ones and how very clear her blue eyes were.

"An eighth alien wizard?" groaned Quentin.

"I am no sibling of yours, you exiles!" shrieked Phobein.

"Sure you aren't," indulged Erskine.

"You were all disowned!" Phobein yelled.

"I should've known," commented Howard.

"Known what?" asked Ginger.

"She was at the same school as me," Howard explained. "I always felt strange around her."

"It's because I am stronger than you in power!" snapped Phobein.

"Naturally," Torquil said. "As of right now anyway. Howard has been a baby three times now. He's not as old as you. How old are you anyway?"

"Get stuffed, you toffee-nosed git!" yelled Phobein.

"Well," said Torquil, "what are we going to do with her?"

"Can't let her go. She'd tell Mother and Father about Howard," Erskine stated.

"I'll stay and help watch her!" offered Awful.

"No," yelped Torquil. "I'm not getting stuck with you! One annoying female is enough."

"You'd have to go to school if you stayed anyway," said Howard with a smirk.

"Hey," grumbled Awful. "That isn't fair."

"Be good, Awful," said Catriona. Awful crossed her arms irritably, but she stayed silent.

"Is everything ready?" Quentin asked a few minutes later. The luggage was stacked between Catriona and him while Awful and Howard stood opposite them to complete a square shape.

Erskine had Phobein clasped by her elbows, hanging a foot off the ground. She was sulking a bit. Torquil stretched his neck to get the chinks out. "You ready to complete the journey once Erskine and I let go, Howard?" he asked.

"I think so," Howard said.

"You had best be sure or you'll find yourself on a planet with no oxygen," threatened Torquil, clunking Howard on the head with his crozier.

Howard nodded, massaging his sore skull. Erskine handed Phobein to Ginger, who clasped onto her tightly. Then, Erskine stepped next to Torquil. Torquil stretched out the hand with the crozier in it, and Erskine placed his hands on his own hips.

"Good luck," whispered Erskine to Howard as he and Torquil began to send them through space.

For a moment, Howard felt as if he had only become weightless, then the backyard and the struggling Phobein were gone and he was rushing with Quentin, Catriona, and Awful past the planets and then the stars. Awful was laughing delightedly while Quentin was gripping his bowler hat to his head and Catriona was worriedly holding onto the three suitcases.

"Howard!" came Torquil's voice.

"Yeah!" yelled Howard.

"Ready? We can't hold it too much farther away," Torquil shouted.

Howard dug his heels into the strange floating square shape they were anchored on and concentrated on Caliga. "I'm ready!" he called out after a moment.

"Good," panted Erskine's voice.

"Keep in touch," Torquil added faintly. And then they were gone.

Howard felt a tug in his chest and for a second it seemed as if he didn't have a good grip over their transportation. Then, they were whizzing past stars again.

"I should write a book about this," commented Quentin.

They all cried out when a planet larger than Earth with a faint white sheen came into view and they went zooming straight at it.

"Home sweet home," mumbled Torquil dryly as Erskine, Ginger, Phobein, and him all crowded around the cupboard in the cathedral vestry. Hathaway's image was on half of the window while whatever Howard saw could be seen on the other half. At the moment, they all could see the huge white globe.

Phobein, who was being held firmly by Erskine, grumbled something like, "I hope they burn up in the atmosphere."

"You forget Howard's the seventh child. It makes him stronger than you and the rest of us," Torquil said.

"When this is all over, what are we going to do with this little madam?" asked Hathaway. "We can't return her to Caliga. She'll tell and everything will be for naught."

"Good point," Erskine agreed.

"We'll have to think about that later," said Torquil, smirking nastily at Phobein.

Phobein scowled back at him and said, "I'm not an exile."

"Not at the moment anyway," Hathaway said, smiling. "She reminds me of Shine with a bit of Archer's temper. What do you guys think?"

"Yes, and Venturus's old superiority complex," said Torquil.

"Oh, stop talking about me as if I'm not here!" hissed Phobein.

"Wouldn't dream of it," said Erskine with a sarcastic grin.

"You never told us how old you are," pointed out Torquil.

"Oh, clear off!" shrieked Phobein.

"Age, please," Torquil said.

"I'm seventy three," snapped Phobein.

"Oh, she's still young," remarked Torquil, laughing. "Now that you've amused us for the moment, please be silent, dear little sister." Phobein pursed her lips, but complied.

"Can't this landing be smoother, Howard?" yelled Quentin over the roaring of the wind whipping at them as they dived through the clouds.

"I'm trying!" Howard shouted back.

It was then that they all came crashing into trees. One suitcase came open as the other two crashed to the ground far below. One of Quentin's ties flew out and hit Awful as she tried to cling to a tree branch, while Howard was bombarded with socks and underwear as he gripped a tree branch with his arms and legs. Catriona had to duck to keep out of the way of the open suitcase itself, as Quentin crashed into all the boughs and landed on top of the luggage below. He groaned and rubbed the back of his head.

"Nice job with the landing, Howard," grumbled Awful sardonically.

Howard just shook his head and wheezed. He felt too weary to move – let alone clamber down from a tree. Catriona was trying to climb down already, carefully climbing down to where Awful was and assisting her. "Quentin!" Catriona shouted. "Are you all right?"

Quentin looked up at her and shouted back, "If feeling like your ribs have just been cracked crashing through tree branches and luggage, then I'm all right!"

When Catriona and Awful were safely on the ground, helping Quentin to his feet, Awful hollered up to Howard. "Can't you get down, Howard?"

Howard's vision was bleary, but he managed to look at Awful and reply, "Not yet. That took too much out of me."

"Do you need help?" asked Catriona.

"No," muttered Howard, picking up his head. "Just wait a few minutes."

It took over half an hour for Howard to build up the strength to climb down the tree. Torquil and Erskine had carried them almost three-quarters of the journey, he couldn't imagine how weary they must be.

"Poor boy, we weren't taking journeys light-years away when we were that young," Hathaway commented.

"He'll bounce back. It comes of being the seventh," said Torquil with his eyes half-lidded.

Ginger checked his watch. "I gotta go. I'll be back tomorrow though."

"Bye," said Erskine and Hathaway. Torquil just waved Ginger off, and Phobein grumbled an expletive.

"Here come the High Union Troops to see what the commotion is!" shouted Torquil excitedly after Ginger had gone.

Sure enough, on the Howard half of the screen, a group of two-dozen men and women appeared in the forest. They were in cerulean suits with gold armbands and black helmets with visors that hid their faces.

Behind them were two figures that made Howard squirm. In their golden cylinder-like headdresses with three red jewels in the center and blue suits underneath golden sashes, were Matri and Agustivo Destinatus.

On Earth, Hathaway, Erskine, Torquil, and even Phobein went very pale at the sight. Catriona, who had been collecting all the clothes that had flown out of the open suitcase, froze and held Awful's hand. Quentin flattened out his black bowler hat and said, "Hello. My name is Quentin Sykes. This is my family. You see, we were –"

"Silence," hissed Matri. "We know you are from the Expatriation Planet."

"Oh, well, then you know why we've come," said Quentin, unfazed.

"We do," answered Agustivo.

"And it's Earth," added Quentin.

Agustivo ignored him and turned to a female High Union officer with two armbands instead of one and said, "Round them up and bring them to the Council room."

"Yes, sir," said the woman. Then, she rounded on her troop and shouted, "You heard him! Round the Earthlings up!"

"Think they'll listen to the Sykes?" Erskine asked, keeping his grip on Phobein.

Hathaway let out a long breath, "Let us hope."

Torquil nodded wearily. "Yes, let us hope. Otherwise, we'll have to live in your time without indoor plumping and electricity… Atleast then we'll be rid of this nuisance." He pointed his crozier at Phobein, who scowled.

"You'll get what's owed you soon enough," hissed Phobein.

"Oh yeah?" asked Erskine.

"Yes," said Phobein firmly. She did look slightly intimated by Erskine though. Torquil laughed at the rigid yet cautious expression on her face.

A/N: Well, that didn't take much time to write, and it was longer! I was on a roll. Please review!

A/N 2: If you're wondering, I think Phobein means "put to flight" or "frighten," which is kind of the opposite of the name she used to spy on Howard, Phoebe, which can mean "light," "pure," or "radiant."

A/N 3: I'm thinking of writing a story where every chapter is in a different POV of the seven. What do you think? Bye.