Not Anymore

Eulalie Moire

See part I for notes and disclaimer.

ooo

Minerva suffered until she could not suffer any longer and then she began to think logically again. Humans are meant to survive great losses; if they weren't, how could the species have survived thus far? There is always a coping mechanism—one has only to find it. What she could not bear she must end. Suicide was not an option. There was no one else to stand in Dumbledore's place.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

But I cannot not be, and so I must be. But how?

She needed a coping device, and quickly. Think of what you know. Find solace in the familiar, or whatever remains of it. What do I know? What did she know? Transfiguration. The cat? That cat had saved her once, might it save her again? No. She needed to transform her mind, her thoughts, her very nature. Her current thought processes did not allow her to incorporate the events surrounding Severus' death into a healthy, manageable order, so she created new processes. Transfiguration, indeed.

"Get up, Remus. I need to talk and I need you to listen." Don't snarl at him, he's not your student anymore. But he was her sometimes-lover. And more importantly, he was all she had left.

Lupin nodded. She sat on the edge of the bed.

"Severus was not kind."

Lupin snorted. In her lap, Minerva's clasped hands tensed. Lupin saw and was quiet.

"But he was honorable. There is honor among thieves…and Slytherins. There is honor among spies. My honor and my pride were what Severus loved most about me. He told me that often—or…often for Severus…as often as he said such things… He called me a lioness—fierce, proud, and loyal. In his mouth, that old cliché sounded like a revelation. He meant it, you see. He died silently so that I would not betray the Order, so that my pride and my honor might remain intact. He died protecting what he loved in me and I—well, I acted exactly as he wanted me to act."

Remus stared at her, disbelieving. She ignored him, rose from the bed and began to pace. Her words were measured, tense.

"And besides…he was old before his time…worn physically and spiritually. He would have had no future after the war. Even those of you who know he was a spy loath him. You—and I don't mean you, per se, except that I do—would never have let him lead a normal life."

Remus made a motion of protest and Minerva rolled her eyes in response. The gesture struck Remus as uncharacteristic. In truth, Minerva had meant to imply that his protests weren't worth acknowledging, but her anger got the better of her. "It's true, you know. There would never have been peace for him in this world. It's human nature. You, of all people, understand what it's like to be a pariah, but you—"

Remus opened his mouth to object, but Minerva waved a hand in dismissal and continued. "Oh, come now. I know you were never discourteous. And I know perfectly well that he abhorred you. I don't care about the petty civilities. I refer to the fact that as long as he might have lived, you would always have distrusted him. You would never let him forget, never let him make a new life for himself. Never."

Remus, aggravated almost beyond expression, nonetheless recognized the truth of the allegation. No, he and his friends would never accept Snape. Snape, in everything he said and did, had always been decidedly unacceptable. He knew better than to say that last aloud, so he settled for asking, "Do you really believe all of this, Minerva?"

She stopped, shrugged. "Maybe. Sometimes. I have to believe it. I choose to believe it. It offers me freedom from guilt and misery which I find I can no longer bear." She smiled, just slightly. "I give myself full marks for effort and creativity, at least."

Lupin was silent and Minerva understood his silence to be his own best effort at being supportive. Lupin was quite mistaken about nearly every aspect of Severus' character, but he could still have easily torn her arguments to shreds. Yet he seemed content to allow the scabs to form.

She nodded her thanks and moved to the door, where she stopped briefly before exiting. In repayment of his silence, she said, "I hear Miss Granger has broken off with Ronald Weasley. I expect now would be an opportune time to comfort her."