Canst thou believeth that summer tis nearly done? It seems like only yesterday that it was yesterday, and it seemed like only the day before yesterday that it was the last day of school. Which means today seems like only the second day of summer, instead of it being August 13.
Sigh.
Life seems quite short when you waste it away playing James Bond 007 Nightfire.
But who cares? That game kicks ass...assin.

DISCLAIMER: Yeah, whatever. I don't own this book, blah blah blah. I might just kill J.K. Rowling and steal the deed to the books (If there is one) just to not have to write this stupid disclaimer anymore.

By the way, am I actually REQUIRED to write a disclaimer? Does anyone know?

HARRY POTTER:

SIMPLIFIED BOOK1

THE SORCERER'S STONE

----------------------------------------------------------

Hermione's a retard. Everyone knows that. In the first book alone, she was able to surpass Neville in sheer obnoxious-ness.
(Of course, Neville proved in later books that he was twice the moron Hermione was, which is why I write of Neville with so much hatred/disgust)
The point is, I'd like to take the opportunity to point out to all you poor, confused, probably drunk 37-year old Harry Potter addicts that Hermione is someone who just needs a good slap in the face.
If any of you disagree, please write it in your required reviews, and I just might read them! Maybe!
Anyways, on with the story.

The poor Hogwarts Trio had almost given up hope on ever finding information on the elusive Nicky Flam.

HARRY: I haven't!

Shut up.

HARRY: grumble...Stupid disembodied narrator...one of these days i'll...

Shut up. With that comment, Harry burst into tears.

HARRY: NO I DIDN'T!

Did too. I can see it in your eyes. You're on the verge of a breakdown.

HARRY: WHAT?

Moving on. With the news that Snape was to be refereeing the next Quiddith match, Harry cried again. But his sobbing was interrupted by someone bursting through the open portrait hole into the common room! It was-

HERMIONE: It's Neville!

RON: It's HERMIONE!

HARRY: It's HARRY!

NEVILLE: BUTTER TOAST!

HERMIONE: Wait! It really is Neville!

NEVILLE: Wow, you're bright.

RON: What's of the matter with thy legs, knave?

NEVIILE: Malfoy stuck 'em together with a gluestick or something... And don't call me knave, you peasant.

RON: An outrage! A proposterousity!

HERMIONE: That's not a word, blockhead.

RON: You foul whench!

HARRY: Here's a chocolate frog, Neville. Go unstick your legs.

Neville ate the frog, then handed Harry the collectible card that came in the package and hobbled away.

HARRY: Ooh! Check it out! I got the Winged Bagel of Ra!

HERMIONE: No, It's a Dumbledore card. And in his description, it says he worked with Nicholas Flamel! I'll be right back!

She raced away, then returned with a gigantic old book.

HERMIONE: I forgot that I checked this book out of the library. It has information on Nicolas Flamel!

HARRY: You mean Nicky Flam. And if you're so smart, how could you forget about checking out a huge smelly book.

HERMIONE: Shut yer mouth, fool! Nicolas Flamel is the only known maker of the SORCERER'S STONE!

RON: The what?

HERMIONE: Nicolas Flamel is the only known maker of the SORCERER'S STONE!

RON: Yeah, I heard you. What is the SORCERER'S STONE?

HERMIONE: It's a pretty rock.

HARRY: ...

HERMIONE: And also it can transform metal into gold and make an elixir that gives you everlasting life.

RON: Me...want...pretty rock.

HARRY: So Snape must be after the stone being guarded by the big 3-headed dog!

HERMIONE: It would appear that way.

RON: We wants it...

HERMIONE: What's wrong with you, Smeagol? I mean, Ron?

RON: We needs the precious... precious rock...

Hermione promptly punches Ron in the face.

RON: We...needs...ibuprofen...

The next day, another Quiddith game began. Griffindor vs. Hufflepuff, with Snape as referee. Luckily for Harry, Dumbledore was watching, which meant Sanpe wouldn't favor Hufflepuff too much.

As the game progressed, Malfoy came over to where Harry, Hermione, and Neville were sitting and made fun of Neville and Ron. Then, Neville and Ron attacked Goyle, Crabbe, and Malfoy, causing a gang war

Meanwhile, Harry had caught the snitch. The game was over. As he walked toward the broomshed after the game, he noticed a cloaked figure running toward the forbidden forest. He could tell it was Snape.

He flew above him as Snape entered the forest. Harry landed in a tree and watched as Snape met Quirrel.

QUIRREL: W-wh-why -d-d-d-d-diddd ya-ye-yi-ya-y-y-y-ya you-ooooo w-w-w-w-w-w-ww-w-ww-w-w-wwwwwwwww-w-w-w-3-wsw-sw-s-sa0dreuf7tr76c$#ERTD)T#$#WT(&, Snape?

SNAPE: Because, I wanted to ask you if you've found out how to get past that beast of Hagrid's?

QUIRREL: W-w-well, I ...I-I-I IutjYTF$&$U&IT&R$...no.

SNAPE: Quirrel, It's time to decide where your loyalties lie? The dark side or the light side? Sith or Jedi? Gollum or Smeagol? Abbot or Costello?

QUIRREL: Um..

SNAPE: We'll have another chat soon.

Harry returned to Griffindor tower and was greeted by Ron.

HARRY: Get Hermione. We have something to discuss.

After Harry told them the story...

RON: There's probably some dark arts magic protecting the stone that Snape needs to know how to get past.

HERMIONE: So the stone is only safe as long as Quirrel stands up to The Snape?

HARRY: Um, sure. We'll go with that.

HERMIONE: That won't be very long.

RON: Wow, that sure sucks.

SNAPE: No shit.