Finally I am back. I know you were all going through severe withdrawal without my charming presence, but never ye fear. I had this wonderful idea for this great fic with all these plots and subplots and side stories and supplementary characters, but it ended up being too much of an endeavor in my post final melancholy. So I bring you this, MONSTER FIC which will have at least…seven chapters? It is virtually plotless, but hey who cares?

The Big News

"No."

"Please. You always get to be on top."

"That's because the cute effeminate partner is supposed to be on the bottom and the big manly partner is supposed to be seme."

"Take that back. I am not cute."

"You're so cute when you get all mad like that."

"As your boss I order you to be my uke."

"I don't work for Kritiker anymore."

"You work and live in a Kritiker run flower shop."

"Fine, fire me, you make six times as much anyway."

"No sex until you say yes."

"You won't last a week."

"Probably not, but you won't last more then two days. In which case it's better to give in now, rather then wait until I'm all sex-deprived and irritable."

"No means no."

"Why not?"

"It's embarrassing."

"Honestly Ken, who's going to know? It's not like I want to go telling people about it. If you love me you'll do it. It's my birthday."

"Arrgh, fine."

$$$Four Weeks Later$$$

"You're pregnant."

Ken stared blankly at the doctor while Omi stifled his giggles. "Come again?"

"You are about to become one of the few documented cases of the rare phenomenon of male pregnancy." Omi was doubled over now. Ken was staring dumbfounded.

"For it to work, the sperm must be extremely tough. Usually it happens when a man is in a situation where he would be subjugated to high levels of certain kinds of radiation, creating mutant super sperm. In Takatori-sama's[1] case probably caused by the testing his brother did on him as a small child. The sperm swims through the intestines and into the stomach and manages to implant itself in the stomach wall. The stomach lining then forms a protective sack around it in a sort of temporary uterus. The sperm then takes the genetic information it needs from the surrounding cells and begins to duplicate just like in a normal conception. There was an outbreak after World War II, three or four pregnancies."

"So you're saying…"

"In 36 weeks, assuming all goes well, the two of you will be parents." Omi was in tears on the floor and Ken was glaring at him. "Please make an appointment for a check up on the way out."

Ken and Omi made their way to the elevator in silence, Omi still quivering with suppressed laughter.

"This is all your fault you know. (Omi burst into unrestrained laughter again.) I don't see what's so damn funny. (In a fake high voice, imitating Omi) 'Oh please Ken, I'll never ask again. Just this once, I let you do it all the time. No one will know.' My ass."

Ken grumbled the entire way home and Omi kept right on laughing, red in the face with tears rolling down his cheeks. When they pulled up to the Koneko Omi jumped off the back of Ken's motorcycle and ran inside thrilled with the prospect of sharing the good news. Ken grumbled some more and trudged up to the door, in no hurry to face the others.

By the time Ken got to the kitchen, everyone was gathered, anxious to hear the diagnosis of their dear friend who had been throwing up every morning for the past two weeks and having violent mood swings. They were on the edge of their seats with worry. Aya stood by the counter sipping his tea with a bored look on his face, Yoji was sitting slumped over the table sleeping off his latest hangover, and Aya-chan was painting her nails turquoise.

Omi on the other hand was bouncing from foot to foot, grinning like an idiot. The second Ken walked into the room Omi shrieked with joy. "We have big news!!!"

Ken smiled at that as he nodded for Omi to tell the news. Omi is so sweet. Maybe he didn't see the potential embarrassment in this, he was just thrilled at the prospect of being a father.

"I knocked Kenken up!"

Or maybe not.

Aya took another sip of his tea, this time with one raised eyebrow, Yoji forgot his hangover and started laughing really hard, and Aya-chan squealed and raced over to touch Ken's still flat stomach, managing to cover his black T-shirt in nail polish. Soon Yoji was slapping Omi's back and the two were talking softly between conspiratorial giggles.

Ken was never going to live this down.

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Omi was treating this all as a big joke.

Ken could not understand what was going on in Omi's head. This was a very serious situation. There was a baby on the way. Why did Omi need to jump on this as an excuse to ridicule Ken. I mean, sure, they didn't come along that often, and Ken did tend to tease Omi mercilessly about every little thing, (Omi, 22, still shops in the juniors section of the mall because men's clothes won't fit, he always gets carded when they go to an R-rated movie, and once, a waitress asked if he wanted a children's menu. They haven't been back to I HOP since) but that was no excuse to burst out laughing every time Ken entered the room. Especially when Ken felt like shit and needed some sympathy from the man that had gotten him into this mess.

Well, truth be told, Ken didn't really feel like shit anymore. He actually felt pretty good.

He was handling his shift in the flower shop, watering the zinnias, and humming to himself. He was deliriously happy for no reason.

Yoji had been teasing him at first about his maternal glow, but now it was just annoying. Ken and Yoji's entire relationship was made up of bitching about work and making fun of people, and with Ken in a sugary sweet mood, he was getting bored.

Just as Yoji was thinking these things, Sakura walked in. She had long ago accepted (or so she said) that she looked too much like Aya's sister for them to ever be intimate, but she still liked to hang around the flower shop and taunt the other girls with her status of being on a first name basis with the boys.

"Hi Sakura!" Hmm, a bit enthusiastic for Ken. Maybe Omi was starting to rub off. Ken and Sakura were soon having an in depth discussion about…something. Yoji was too far to hear and couldn't for the life of him think of anything they had in common. Ken liked Sakura well enough, but he rarely said more then three words to her. Generally 'See you Sakura' as he went off to find something more interesting to do. Like watch paint dry. Sakura really wasn't one for brilliantly titillating conversation.

Yoji turned back to the magazine he had been reading, trying to ignore the other two, though he thought he heard Ken giggle. (Which was disturbing)

After about twenty minutes of disgusting chirpiness, Yoji had managed to tune most of it out. So it came as a complete surprise when he felt the gust of air that blew by him as Ken ran past, sobbing, toward the stairs to his and Omi's apartment. Yoji turned to find a speechless Sakura, staring slack-jawed at the door Ken had just disappeared through.

"What happened?"

"I..I don't know. We were talking and then I said he looked different because he does and then he got real quiet and bit his lip and then he started to…cry."

"Will you watch the store for a second?" Without waiting for a reply, Yoji ran through the door and up the steps toward Ken all the while dialing Kritiker on the cordless phone he had grabbed from the counter on his way by.

"Get me Takatori now" Yoji snapped at the hapless secretary who answered. He suddenly felt guilty for making fun of Ken with Omi all week and worried that that was the reason for his sudden breakdown.

"Mamoru"

"Omi get your ass home right now. I've got your boyfriend on suicide watch." Yoji hung up without further explanation. He was perhaps being a tad overdramatic, but he knew it would take a lot of convincing to get Omi to leave work at noon on a weekday otherwise. Besides, he had reason to be a tad panicky. Ken had two moods, happy and confused. And neither one of them had ever to Yoji's knowledge led to so much as a little sniffling. Let alone full blown bawling in the middle of the flower shop during the day for no apparent reason. Yoji was sort of freaking out.

Ken had already locked the door, and Yoji was pounding on it when Omi arrived ten minutes later.

"What happened?" Omi was somewhat calmer then Yoji, having a general idea of what had happened.

"I don't know, he just started crying for no reason."

"Oh, that, the doctor put him on hormones to help with the pregnancy. He's fine, just a little emotional."

Waiting until Yoji was out of sight down the stairs, Omi knocked on the door gently.

"Ken, will you let me in?"

muffled no

"Come on Kenken, open up. It's Omi."

"Go away."

"Ken-kun open this door right now."

Silence. Omi sighed in exasperation and then picked the lock with the little plastic sword that came in his club sandwich at lunch.

He entered the room to find Ken bundled up in the middle of the bed. Omi sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Ken into his arms, running his fingers through the soccer player's hair.

"What's the matter."

"I'm fat."

Omi fought the urge to laugh. "No you aren't, you aren't even starting to show, and even if you were fat I would still love you."

"But I'm ugly."

"No you aren't, you're gorgeous."

"Really?" Ken looked up at Omi with puffy eyes and large amounts of snot running down his face and leading a path down to a Ken shaped snot stain on the front of Omi's silk shirt.

"Sure are." Ken was content with that for a little while and went back to rubbing his bodily discharge on Omi's expensive suit. Omi thought he was asleep when he heard a barely audible voice.

"But what if you leave?"

"Huh?"

"What if you decide to go sow your seeds in greener pastures? What

f I have to raise the baby myself? What if I'm a horrible father and he ends up being a bum? Or a criminal? What if he likes girls? What then?"

It took Omi a few seconds to catch up with that train of thought. "Don't worry, I'm not planning on going anywhere."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

The two continued talking for a while, but Yoji, who had rushed back up to the door as soon as Omi had gone inside and had been listening intently, had heard enough. He made his way back down to the flower shop with what can only be described as a very worrisome smile on his face.

The next morning, Omi woke up with a gun pointed at his naughty bits.

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I don't know where I'm going with that, it just sounded like a good way to end the chapter. Well, I have a vague idea, but not enough that you should expect another chapter anytime soon. Although getting good reviews always puts me in a writing mood. Hint hint. For the purposes of this fic, lets just pretend that everyone has heard of male pregnancy, but it's so rare it's like an urban legend.