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12: The End of a Love Story
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Capheine says: So it wasn't the end.
Disclaimers: My story, her characters. Now read.
Defeated, he turned his back on the window, head hung down in a shamelessly hopeless way.
Later he would wonder how he had even gotten home, how he had driven his motorcycle all the way to his townhouse. But now, now he only carried thoughts of her. And still, he thought unbelievingly, 'she was the same girl'. The thought would occupy his mind for nights. Such lonely nights.
Things weren't supposed to go like this. He supposed he could spend his lifetime cursing at himself for letting things get this ridiculous.
But who cared?
That didn't get him Tohru back.
The nights were long without her. And it was a little sad to think of the way that things could have been if he just wasn't so stupid. If he hadn't been ignorant, or angry. Or maybe if he had asked why.
He still wondered why he had never asked her before. Why he couldn't have built up the courage to ask her for explanations, why he couldn't have tucked away his ego for one moment? The why part still bothered him, but really, was he going to complain? He had fallen in love with the same girl twice. Was he going to deny the fact that he loved her any further?
Of course not.
Because he might've been angry at himself - heck, even at Tohru - simply because they weren't together. But just because they weren't together didn't mean that he didn't love her or couldn't stop loving her.
Not after this lifetime thinking of her. After all, she was his inspiration and, in a way, his rock. She was always there, even if they were miles apart, even after years of not seeing one another; she had stayed his friend for what seemed to be forever. She had occupied his dreams and his songs for the better part of his life.
Was he going to leave her as a memory? Was he only going to think back at her, reminiscing about the times that they shared in the past?
Well, yes.
What else could he do?
If he couldn't hold her, he would hold on to the memories. Caress those sweet memories that would hold him over on the long, lonely nights.
The phone was ringing again. It had never ceased ringing ever since he had gotten home and the rings were beginning to plague him like locusts, assaulting his ears endlessly. But he wouldn't pick up the phone. He wouldn't even talk. How could he answer anyone when he couldn't even answer himself? He was this pathetic loser. A loser who had lost not only his love, but all confidence in the way the world worked.
Kyou pulled out the phone cord with a rough tug, disconnecting himself from the world. But every time he turned his back on the phone, it seemed to jolt awake again. He knew he was only imagining things, but the tinny ring of the phone would never leave him alone.
Especially in the night.
He was trying to busy himself with other things as the sun set, but needless to say, it wasn't working. Every time the sun set, it felt as if the sky would fall around him. It would isolate him from the rest of the world, which was, in a way, his ironic bliss. He wanted to be left alone, but at the same time, he wished to be together with someone.
Together with Tohru, naturally, because he couldn't imagine being with anyone else.
The night brought him a blanket of peace and quiet, but the quiet would soon turn to that blasted ringing of the disconnected phone. Maybe it wasn't even his phone; it was the angry buzzing at the back of his mind. Blasting at him his own angry words, his own accusations, and the terrible pain wouldn't leave him. It was eating away at him mind, and it felt as if he was burning from the inside out. A painful, acidic sort of burn that would occupy his nights and his days; his mornings and afternoons; every waking moment and every moment as he slept, because it would haunt his dreams as well.
Her face would haunt his dreams.
He sat down and tried to shake himself from his monologue, picking up his guitar. Strumming some dissonant chords, he suddenly felt the urge to smash his instrument - turn his fingers against the very thing that had brought him so much love before. Because, he realized a little too late, his music was painful in the most depressing way.
For this was the music composed with a certain girl in mind. He couldn't face the notes, not even the rests between those precious notes because he couldn't play without thinking of her. He couldn't play or sing without picturing her laughing face.
The anger would buzz in the back of his mind, reminding him constantly of how stupid he had been. Had he been braver perhaps - had he taken her hand more than once, told her that she was special - things would have been different.
He gripped the neck of his guitar a little harder, and for a moment hesitated. This music was a painful reminder, yes, but was he really ready to give this up? Was he really ready to give up all hope?
After all, he had come to the conclusion that all these things had been his fault. He was the one who had realized things too late. He was the one who had fooled himself into thinking that there were two Tohru's, rather than the same precious one. It was his stupidity that had ruined things. He could just as easily fix things, couldn't he?
But the ringing of that lonely phone and the endless angry buzzing at the back of his mind told him otherwise. Instead of offering any sort of hope or light, his mind and broken heart had turned against him, and spitefully they would mix together into a symphony meant only for the insane.
Kyou stopped for one moment and smiled, despite himself. Insanity. That was it, wasn't it? It isn't love unless it's insanity. You aren't in love unless you're truly mad.
He cursed inwardly, and reluctantly picked up a pen. No matter how pathetic he was feeling, his songwriting self would not let him stay idle when such inspiration was at work. 'It isn't love until it's madness' he quickly scribbled down.
Strumming his guitar he realized he felt lighter perhaps, and for one brief moment he might have even felt happy.
Because he was still holding onto her memory. He was still certain he was never going to let her go. And this caused him undeniable pain. But he was happy. He was happy for that one brief moment, because he realized he wasn't alone.
He began to write frantically, almost desperately.
After all, you aren't alone until even the pain has disappeared.
Tapping the microphone lightly, Kyou murmured words to test its status, and immediately the crowd was enraptured. Or the female crowd at least. A small, swooning group had already gathered at the foot of the small stage, sitting in the beanbags chairs at the Neon.
It was undeniable, Kyou's attraction to nightlife; Kyou had long before fallen in love with the neon lights and the hushed traffic. It gave him a perfect excuse to get his mind off his pain, which had regrettably morphed into his companion. Many nights he had spent, sitting, staring at their old picture together. Torturing himself endlessly, because he liked the feeling of that torture.
Again he tapped the microphone and this time coughed. He strummed some solitary notes from his guitar, hesitant to continue.
Because he had decided that after this song, he would be done with her.
He would be done with her memories, and done with the pain. No longer would he rely on this ironic bliss.
He could move on, after all. At least, he hoped he could. He would sing this song and be done with her. Done with her.
Closing his eyes, he began:
I see you in the corner of my eyes
I'm constantly chasing your shadow
You're making my mind twist and turn
Round and down until, I fall for you
Again
Because it isn't love unless it's madness
And I swear I see you at the back of the room
But it isn't love unless it's madness
And I know, I know that I'm only chasing
Your shadow
Again
I find that I'm lost
Spinning around and around
Round the situation and the words you've told me before
Three words, twice said, one kiss
And nothing gained, except for insanity
You said "it isn't love unless it's madness"
And you left that insanity by my side
You disappeared from this spinning world
With only your words and shadow
Playing across the room and through my head
Because it isn't love unless it's madness
And I swear I see you at the back of the room
But it isn't love unless it's madness
And I know, I know that I'm only chasing
Your shadow
So while I'm waiting for you to return
I'll play with your memories in my head
Dance with your shadow maybe
You said "it isn't love until it's madness"
You said "it isn't love until it's madness"
But I've gone crazy
And all I can say is that
I love you
He ended the song with one single note, a cappella, and in the oddly romantic way it always did, it hung in the air: a solitary witness of his lies.
For Kyou already knew that he was lying to himself. He could never give up Tohru. He had known he was lying to himself mid-way through the song - no, the moment his fingers struck the chords - and he had known he was making up this fantasy world without Tohru.
Because behind his closed eyes, he had watched Tohru grow up. Grow up from that little girl to the woman that he loved. He had watched her grow and he knew that his lovehad never wavered.
It was sad to say that he had lied to himself, but she was just too precious to let go. Let pain be his companion for the rest of his life, because he refused to stop loving her. Ever.
He opened his eyes, challenging the rest of the world to defy his decision… and he saw one particular girl standing out from the crowd.
Kyou was far too proud to admit to himself that he was seeing things. Or at least, he thought he was seeing things. But somehow her image was far too vivid to be something so imaginary. And his heart was beating far too fast for this to be unreal.
The girl'sbrown hair was windswept as if she had just stepped inside, but her brown eyes were shy, almost troubled, by the decision of whether to leave or stay. She was by the doorway, half-way here and half-way gone. She took a step inside, however, and threw Kyou a cautious smile.
And from across the room, Kyou smiled as well.
Kyou 13; says: I never got a chance to tell you…
(( Tohru )) says: …I love you?
(( Tohru )) says: I know
(( Tohru )) says: I know
THE END
Capheine says: OMJ it's the end! My my, this makes me monumentally happy because this will mark the second 'long story' I've written! And I finished this within a year! Oh hoorah! Oh happy day!
I hope you enjoyed this story and enjoyed the ending. Pardon the cheesiness. Now I need ideas for an epilogue, because sadly, I have no idea what the epilogue should include. If you have any ideas, either e-mail me or leave a review. 'Sall good.
Thank you for being a loyal reader, and thank you reviewers for your reviews!
Monday, February 07, 2005