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Author's Notice: I don't know if this is angst or not. But it's Remus/Lily. It's so so, not my favorite, not my best. I ought to be studying. :*. Hehe. Yeah, I needed to write though, get that creative-ness working!



Disclaimer: None of it's mine! :)







This all seems so ridiculous

Why can't we just get over this

Don't make me say the obvious

Without you

~ 'Answer the phone' Sugar Ray

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If she told him she loved him would that make everything better?


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'Lily that's my hat!'

'Can't I wear it? It's awfully cute with that pom-pom on the end of it, did your Mummy make it for you?'

'No!'

'Remus, if we were married, I'd make you hats with pom-poms on them all the time. So you could be warm.'

Eleven was such a funny age, wasn't it?

--

They met.

And nothing's been the same since.

--


'But you love James....'

'Do I? Do I really love James? Or is it all some illusion? Do I really love anyone...even my family, do I...?'

'You love James, you must love James. Every girl in school loves James. He loves you back, ten times back, he...adores you.'

'Look, Lupin, the truth is, for some reason it's always been me and James. Lily and James. James and Lily. The redhead and Potter. It's never been anything different...I don't think I want that anymore.'

'Rethink that before you break up with him.'

'I know my mind. But I know my heart most.'

'And... us?'

'We'll be Remus and Lily, maybe.'

If she smiled up at him, and he smiled down at her, would that make everything better?

-

So much changed during their seven years at Hogwarts, shockingly, very little changed.

James' hair was still unable to be managed by a comb. Remus never tired of reading. Sirius never grew out of tricking innocent first years. Peter was always off.

And Lily, Lily always loved Remus.

--

If you confronted her about this in a direct manner she'd deny it. She'd deny it flat out. She would continue to deny it. She would say, I'm married to James.

If you say, but you weren't always married to James, she would probably say...my heart was always married to James.

And if you said that wasn't so she'd insist it was.

--

Perhaps if you brought up the conversation over a cup of tea and biscuits she would comment that I loved Remus for a very long time, a very long time, and I never stopped loving Remus I just stopped thinking it would've been perfect.

Remus and I, she'd probably say, were so smart and so sharp we would have killed each other.

Really? You may have said...

Maybe not, she'd say off-handedly, maybe we would have had it all. But I...you know, doubt it.


--

'Oh, Remus! You didn't have to...'

'It's just a book, Lily.'

'But it's my favorite book...the one about the Princess and the Prince who's under the spell and he rescues her, he saves her...'

'Saves her?'

'Yes. And she loves him for it...she always loves him for it, except when he's a jerk. But she never really hates him for it, either. She loves him for it...she always loves him for it.'

'Lily, do you ever wish you were a Princess?'

'Sometimes. When it's raining. Or when I'm all alone. And sometimes, when I'm with you.'

'Oh.'

If he said something else, if she nodded, if she looked him right in the eyes and he smiled that heartbroken smile...would that make everything better?

--

But there James was.

Always there.

James always got what he wanted; James always knew what to do.

And so, on a September day it was James and Lily.

But it was James and Lily...a Lily still attached to Remus. A Remus just barely hanging on.

--

'What's the matter, Remus?'

'Third year...right before charms...January…'

'You kissed me, Remus.'

'Yeah.'

'What of it? That was a very long time ago, that was, you know...'

'I've done a lot of growing up, Lily.'

'We both have. We're totally different people then we were then.'

But that wasn't so true.

If she kissed him once more, if he leaned in just a bit more, if the swirled air got to their heads...would that make everything better?


--

He's always been there for her. He has listened, he has nodded, he has been her home away from home. He has been her home.

He knows all the stories. About the battle scars. Her sister Petunia...so jealous, so bitter. He knows Lily's a girl who's been through a lot; he knows that James is safe for her. He is a nice and he is smart and he'll get a really nice job someday.

He knows that if Lily were with him that would not be safe. He is not so motivated, much more bitter, and for all he cares he might just work in Hogwart's library the rest of his life.

But you can't always be safe, you know.

--


James asks her to marry him. And she, she says yes. Before a slight hesitation, before Remus flashes into her head, and before she smells tea and old books.

Yes.

And it is the word that will change everything, and change very little.

It echoes, echoes like they are in a tunnel.

She's trapped inside a tunnel.

--

'Remus...I'm so sorry.'

'I love you.'

If she just said sorry, would that make everything better?

--

If she told him she loved him would that make everything better?