Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel

"Shhh, it'll be okay"

"Will it?"

"I promise, it will be."

"Remember you promised."

"Yes I know."

*

It hadn't been okay, it never had been. It hadn't started off okay and it certainly didn't end okay. It had left him aching, hurt and alone. He should've known really, because something like this, wrong and perfect at the same time, could never have ended okay. It had been doomed from the beginning, from the first words, the first touch and then the first kiss. He was heartbroken to have learned this kind of hurt so young, so soon. It shouldn't have been like this. They should've grown old together, living in a small cottage along the coast, well, he would have settled for a cottage anywhere in the country really, as long as they would be together.

*

A hand stroked his hair lazily and without thought, like it had been stroking his hair forever.

"I'm going to quit with this. I never wanted this. You should win because you're the first. It's not fair."

"Shh, don't talk. I know how you feel."

He sat up, a bit of anger showing in his eyes.

"What do you  really know? You know nothing!"

"Calm down love, I know more than you think."

He settled back into his arms.

"Do you?"

"Yes. I know you feel betrayed, though there is no reason to feel that. I know you are scared... no, don't protest, because you are scared. I know you don't feel wanted, and that you feel this is all for nothing."

"But why? Why do you know how I feel and why do I feel like this?"

"Because I feel it too. But together, us two, we'll make it."

A chuckle escaped him.

"It's strange to hear you say that. We've only been together for a few days, though it already feels like years."

"I know."

"You do know a lot, mister."

Two voices, one lower than the other, but both full of love and life, laughed together.

"I know."

"Oh, you're insufferable!"

"I know."

"Shut up."

"Make me."

"Oh yes, I will, don't you worry."

*

He smiled at the memories that seemed to flood his mind each day. He was certain that one day he would drown in memories, and he was also very certain that it really was the most comfortable death one can imagine.

They had been so careless back then. Everything seemed simple. Fears and doubts were kissed away easily. But they should've known that it couldn't stay that way. He had felt it at that time, they both had, but it was so easy not to care. Just to let go and enjoy each other. To tease, kiss and touch each other for as long as possible. To hold each other when one of them was scared or hurt or just needed a hug.

*

"Will you hold me?"

"What's wrong?"

"Don't ask, not yet. Just hold me?"

"Of course."

Clothes ruffled and a nose sniffed.

"Don't cry."

"I'm not. You should know that I hardly cry."

"I do know that. I just thought you were."

"Well, I'm not."

"No, you're not."

He didn't say anything when he felt the wetness of tears through his clothes after a while.

*

He wasn't one to cry, his friends would say so too. But that time, that day, he had cried. He had cried hard, loud sobs escaping him and sometimes he screamed because he felt useless and oh so powerless. His friends tried to comfort him, but they couldn't reach him. He wouldn't listen, he would just sit there, by the lake, shaking his head and mumbling to himself. Anyone who didn't know what had happened would say he was mad. But anyone would go mad after what he had suffered, what he had seen and what he had lost.

But his friends didn't know what he had lost. Thought that they hadn't even been friends, just rivals in a game. But it wasn't a game anymore, and for them it had never really been a game. It was a struggle for power, to show who was the strongest, the smartest and the quickest. Others should've seen it, that it wasn't a form of entertainment, that it was dead serious and that accidents could happen. But this hadn't been an accident. It had been planned, carefully planned. There was nothing they could've done about it, though he would never admit that to himself. He had felt he had let down so many people. He let him down.

*

"Just one more day, and then we'll be free. We'll tell everyone at the end. Imagine their faces when we tell them."

That made them both laugh, the faces of their friends when they told them.

"They'll never talk to me again."

"You sure about that?"

"Oh yes, quite certain. Though it'll be worth it."

"Yes, and we always have each other."

"Mmm yes, never leave me okay?"

"I already promised you I never would."

He smiled.

"I just wanted to hear it one more time."

"I'll never leave you. I can't, really, I love you."

"Mmm, I love you too."

*

It was the perfect plan. They would both take it, together, at the same time. And when everyone came over they would make their announcement.

Well, it should have been perfect, except that someone else had different plans. And he, he felt sorry for coming up with the supposed perfect plan. He should've gone alone, that had been the idea. But no, he had to drag his one love with him. Ironic thing, that only he came back, alone and broken.

*

"Both of us" he said.

"What?"

"We'll take it at the same time. We'll tie for it."

"You- you sure?"

"Yeah, we've helped each other out haven't we? Let's just take it together."

He could hear the emotion behind those words and that had made him decide. They took each other's hand and then reached for the prize, their prize. But that's when it went wrong.

*

He hated himself for it now, that he had to come up with such a plan, such a stupid, stupid plan. But he had, and he couldn't change that. Couldn't change it that his one love was gone now and would never come back.

He did finally tell his friends, about them being together. It were just a few words, "I loved him, and I still do actually. We wanted to tell you, but just didn't have the chance." That should've been it, but it took him forever to tell them. Each word was followed by a sob or a wince because of a painful memory.

His friends hadn't been mad at him, well, how could they, after what happened? They said they understood, but he didn't think they really did.

But he had understood his own feelings, and that was what mattered. He would never love like this again, because he would keep being plagued by memories, good ones and bad ones. At least they had never fought, so there were more good memories than bad ones.

*

He went to the grave two years later, when he graduated. He didn't have the nerve to go there sooner, because his grief was still too strong. But when he had left school and moved to live in a small cottage by the coast, he had decided to visit the grave. It lay on a small hill and the stone stood alone.

He sat there in front of the stone for hours, remembering their time together. Tears leaked from his eyes, down his cheeks and onto the grass beneath him. He read the message on the stone over and over and decided that it was too superficial,

Here lies Cedric Diggory,

Who was loved by many,

For too short a time

1978 – 1995

He himself had written a letter, as a goodbye, or an apology of some sort. He put it between the flowers that were enchanted to never die. For a short moment he wondered if that charm would work on humans.

He took one more look at the grave, the letter sticking out between the flowers. He hoped angels would find it and take it up to Cedric, so he could read it.

*

A month later he came back. The letter was still there. He wondered for a moment if he should have left a letter for the angels too. Then he shook his head. No, they would find it one day.

*

He hadn't been at the grave for over a year, because he still found it painful, being there. But now he was back.

The letter was gone. He wondered if Cedric had read it already. Maybe he hadn't, maybe it was a long way up and the angels hadn't reached him yet. Or maybe he had.

He looked up at the sky. A raindrop fell on his scar. More fell and soon it was raining softly. He didn't care, he stood there, not really seeing the grave, but remembering.

When he finally turned around his tears were mingling with the sky. A strong wind blew around him and he swore he heard a voice saying,

"Don't cry."

"I'm not. You should know that I hardly cry."

He laughed at his own sillyness. But even though he might be acting silly, more tears fell down. Another whisp of wind surrounded him and once again he heard the voice.

"Then we'll cry together."

By the time he arrived home he was soaked because it was raining so hard. He turned on the news and saw that parts of the country had flooded, but that the worse rain fell in the town near the graveyard where Cedric was buried.

That night he cried, cried together with Cedric and deep down he knew that Cedric had read his letter.

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there