Dearest Diary,

This is the worst day of my Visserly life. Actually, this is the worst day of my life period. This is the worst day in the history of the Empire. It must be. I mean, I AM the Empire, right??

But anyway, dearest and most secretive of Diaries, not even that little cretin will approach me today. That's how lowly your Esplin has fallen.

For I, oh most sympathetic Diary, am rank.

I smell with the intensity of a thousand farts on high power, and I reek with the magnitude of a million Taxxon craps.

I smell so bad, Chapsie refuses to come in here, even under some of the most horriffic death threats your Esplin has ever uttered. And that awful little tramp is banging on the door of my quarters begging to be let out (But i'm going to make her stay in here with me! Bwa ha ha ha ha!)

This is truly the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

(PLEEEAAASE!) the cretin screamed earlier this morning. (IT'S AWFUL! LET ME OUT! OH PLEASE, PLEASE! I'LL - I'LL BE YOUR HOST!)

(NO!) I yelled, trying to warn the fools. (She's not worth it!)

Even without the STANK that would whoosh out upon opening the door, she wouldn't be worth it.

This smell is truly hideous. It is just ugly. It's just a fugly fugly, hideous smell. You can't even cover it up with a nice drop of AndaMusk for Males, and believe me I've tried! I've tried a whole bottle. It just won't stop!

But I suppose I should explain where this rankness comes from, and I will tell you. Yes, dear Diary, I'LL TELL YOU WHO DID THIS TO ME!

Take a very wild guess.

No, not Visser One, though I would never put it past her. (She smells like this anyway, I mean, honestly!)

The Andalite Bandits. Yes. They've done it again, and worst of all dear Diary, it wasn't even all of them. It was only one of them. Just one.

In a skunk morph.

Here lies the true humiliation of my Visserly STANK. It's not even Andalite technology imposed. It is something from this pitiful planet. Whose animal life I will now take even more pleasure in destroying!

And there will metal poles on every corner with those little pine trees hanging from them evermore!

Except they'll be oatmeal. Instead of pine. Yes.

I am going to turn Earth into a Yeerk spa. Behold! I shall call it...Spa! Yes, there we have it!

Aha! What's this?? Affirmative action is to be taken it seems!

They're opening the door!

(NOOOOOO!) I yelled. (YOU FOOLS!) I didn't want this scent to get spread to the rest of the ship!

But Chapsie is wise and has emerged - in a body suit!

Aunt Chapsie, it seems, can even make a body suit look stylish. Even a dayglo orange one with OMIGOSH BIOLOGICAL DANGERRR!111! printed on the front of it, around a hazard picture of a Yeerk throwing up.

And there are Hork-Bajir in body suits as well.

(Eeeeeh!) She's running out the door!

(STOP HER!) We couldn't have her running around the ship! What if Unga, in a fit of insanity decided to visit me despite my twenty messages holding warnings to stay away for her own biological safety??

Aha, she has just been tackled by about three Hork-Bajir.

(PLEASE!) She screamed. (NO! I can't BREATHE!)

Ah, they are putting an air mask on her face.

(STOP WASTING VALUABLE OXYGEN YOU CLODS!)

Ha ha! They have taken it off!

(N0000!)

(Ha ha ha! That's what you get for being Aunt Chapsie's present.)

Hee hee hee! Her eyes are watering! I didn't even know that was possible with the Andalite physique...

Oh well.

It must smell excrutiating in here then. I myself have become quite used to it. ::

Chapsie is telling me something! I must go now Diary! I shall tell you more later!

Dearest Diary,

I am updating now, from my jacuzzi. Chapsie is wise, and has found out that it was not grape juice, as the tricksy Andalites did indeed lie to your beloved Visser.

It is tomato sauce.

"Visser!" Chapsie just gave me excellent news too!

(What is it Chapsie?) I said, lazily reclining in a sexy, Visserly fashion in my tomato sauce filled jaccuzi. Also feeling like Visserly pasta...Mmmm...very sexy, delicious blue pasta...

"The announcement has been made! Esplin 9466 has officially declared this month's stylish fragrance Tomato Musk!"

(Good. Very good, Chapsie!)

"Bon appetit, Visser!" He called merrily, glad to be of service like the wonderful subordinate he is.

(Ah, thank you, thank you. I shall indeed.)

And it smells much better in here now. Like pasta, and...of course, oatmeal scented candles. Mmmm, delicious intoxicating fragrance.

Her eyes aren't watering anymore, or now they're watering less anyway, she's, it, the cretin I mean, oh Hell –

(You there! What is your name!)

(Oooh! Visser!) Ha! She comes close to me now that I am delicious Visseroli!

(No get away from me! Stay there, right where you are, ho!)

She looked sadly at me.

(What is your name, you idiot?? You have a name don't you??)

(Oh!) she giggled. (I am Random-Female-Andalite, daughter of Captain Really-Important-Guy and Some-Andalite-Lady.)

(Whatever.) Stupid Andalites and their fancy names! Oh, I bet she felt so special, and, better than my poor Unga with her…Unga name!

(Go back to your box!)

(But-)

(I SAYs I SAYS GIT, girl!) I whipped my tail at her. Swishy swishy!

(Eeeh!) she ran back to her box again.

(Ah, that's much better. Mmmm…pasta filled silence.) My tomato sauce was bubbling a little now. Oooh, and it smelled very good too!

(Chapsie, I think I'm done!)

Will write more later,

With love,

Esplin (Who now smells verreh good and would do well with some Parmesan.)