Scene Transition

Tidus is sleeping on a mat in front of the curtain. Yuna enters, and he stands up to greet her. As the scene progresses, it becomes apparent that he is dreaming.

Tidus (looking around eagerly): Where's the boat?

(Yuna inches towards Tidus and puts her arms around him.) Everyone will find us if it doesn't come soon.

Tidus: You really sure this is okay? (He gulps but embraces her in return.)

Yuna: Would you take me to Zanarkand?

(Rikku enters. Tidus and Yuna break apart, and he starts running in place like an idiot.)

Rikku: Hey! You said you'd go with me! (Almost drooling, she clings to his arms.)

Tidus: Oh, hey... I, uh... (He tries to squirm out of her grasp but to no avail.)

Rikku: I thought Wakka told you not to get any ideas?

Yuna (looking affronted): He did?

Rikku: Yeah, so you're coming with me! (She starts dragging Tidus off the stage.)

A scraggily haired man with tattoos and no shirt enters. He swaggers left and right, indicating he is drunk. It is JECHT, whom we have heard offstage but not yet seen. He trips over himself and falls on his face. He recovers in time to say his line.

Jecht: Hey! Stop dreaming! You with a woman? You can't even catch a ball!

(Tidus breaks away from Rikku to sit on the stage. He begins blubbering like a baby. Yuna and Rikku stare catatonically ahead.)

Jecht (in mock concern): Oh, what's the matter? Gonna cry again? Cry, cry. That's the only thing you're good for!

Tidus (in stage whisper): I hate you.

(Jecht hiccups wildly and stares at Tidus like he is from another planet) Huh? What'd you say?

Yuna: You have to speak loudly.

(Tidus looks up) Picky, Picky, Picky! (He clears his throat and tries again) I hate you!

Jecht: Eh? (He sticks his fingers in his ears.) I think I'm going deaf!

Rikku: That's the spirit, Tidus, you hunk of dynamite!

Yuna: You can do it! (She glares at Rikku and adds): Remember who really wants you!

Tidus (screaming): I hate you!

Suddenly, all but Tidus are lifted off the stage on harnesses and our hero realizes he was dreaming. Then a voice is heard from behind the curtain.

Lulu's Voice: He's dead, okay? Dead! (Tidus walks to the center where the curtains meet and pretends to peek as the curtains are pulled apart a few feet, revealing Wakka and Lulu standing by the plastic glowing campfire from earlier.) He doesn't look a thing like Chappu anyway. I was surprised you even mentioned it. I don't know why. None of the idiotic things you say should surprise me any more.

Wakka: But Lu, my analyst says—

Lulu (sighing): Fine. You are the most muscular hunky blitzer I've ever seen. (Dully) Kiss me you fool.

Wakka (aside): And she wonders why I need a shrink.

Lulu: Back to business: no matter what he looks like, he isn't Chappu. You shouldn't have brought him here in the first place!

Wakka: I didn't bring him to Besaid Island, only to the village when he washed up on shore. What was I supposed to do, leave him there? He needed our help!

Lulu: Excuses again?

Wakka: Listen, bitch, I don't know why I love you so bad. You are an insensitive—

Lulu: That's it. No more. Enough, Wakka!

Wakka (sheepishly): Yes, ma'am

As Lulu walks away, Wakka comes in front of the curtain into the "tent."

Tidus (aside): Well, I guess we know who wears the pants in this relationship. (to Wakka) So, who's Chappu?

Wakka: My little brother, Chappu. He looked like you.

Tidus: He's dead?

Wakka: Naw, he just had plastic surgery so he don't look like you no more—of course he's dead, you clueless moron! He was with the Crusaders when they fought Sin last year. He didn't make it. I first heard on the day of the tournament.

Tidus: Oh, so that's why you sucked so bad. That bites.

Wakka: I became a guardian to fight Sin, ya?

Tidus (striking a pose): So you joined the Revenge of the Sith!

Wakka (confused): Um, I guess. The only ting is now I'm more worried about a stupid game now than avenging my brother. Well, after the next tournament, I'll be a guardian full-time. I know it kinda looks like I'm using you, but I'm not.

Tidus: No? Coulda fooled me. . .

Wakka: Come again?

Tidus: Don't worry. I mean, I owe you a lot. You really helped me out, you know? What I mean is... thanks, Wakka.

Tidus extends his hand, and Wakka reddens.

Wakka: Stop, you're embarrassing me!

Tidus: Why? It's not like I'm proposing marriage.

Wakka: You're not? (His shoulders sag in rejection.)

Tidus: Er . . .

Jecht (offstage): Wakka's bi?

Auron (also offstage): Shush, you lush.

Jecht (still offstage): You'd be pissed too if the damn harness gave you a wedgie!

Auron: …

The lights go off, and when they return, Tidus is once again sleeping on his mat. Wakka is approaching him with a black tube in his hand. Lulu stand off to the side adjusting her hair and looking at a handheld mirror.

Wakka: Hey! Sleepyhead! Something I want to give you. (He kneels and gives Tidus a noogie.)

Tidus: Whoa! Easy big guy; I told you I'm not interested in a long-term relationship.

Wakka (grinning): That was just a bonus, ya. I really came to give you this.

(He hands him the black tube. Tidus examines it for a second, trying to figure out what it is. He finds a button and pushes it. A beam of crystal blue light streams out from it. Lulu sees this and drops the mirror she's holding. It shatters into a million pieces.)

Wakka (to Lulu) Tsk, tsk, seven years bad luck, ya. (She glares at him.)

Tidus (oblivious as usual): Dude! A lightsaber? I knew you were with the Sith.

Wakka: Yeah, use it well!

Lulu (in a low voice): That's the sword you gave Chappu.

Wakka (flippantly): Well, he never used it. Where's Yuna?

Tidus: We're taking the same boat as Yuna, right? Why do we gotta wait here?

Wakka (launching into life-story mode): Yuna came to this village ten years ago, when the last Calm started.

Tidus: I had to ask. . . (Lulu's head is in her hands.)

Wakka (rambling on): Since then, she's been like a little sister to me and Lulu. But she had the talent... She became an apprentice. Now, today, she leaves as a summoner.

Lulu: This is our journey... We should leave together.

Tidus: What the hell is the calm? And what talent are you talking about? I'm sick and tired of not knowing jack about anything!

Wakka: Didn't I tell you? She's quite the belly dancer. But keep it under your hat.(Yuna enters the tent as if on cue, doing the dance of the seven veils. Tidus's jaw drops.)

Lulu: You really don't need all those scarves.

Yuna: That's why I'm taking them off. (She removes a scarf and Tidus begins to drool noticeably.) They're not really mine. They're gifts for the temples we're to visit.

Wakka: This isn't a pleasure cruise, Yuna.

Yuna (stops dancing much to Tidus's regret): I guess...I guess you're right. (She drops all the scarves, revealing a skimpy bikini. Tidus passes out.)

Wakka (hauling Tidus over his shoulder): Okay! Off we go! (Yuna takes a final look around the tent as the curtain opens, revealing the beach from earlier.)

Scene V: Besaid Island

For the first time, we are aware of a statue of a past Summoner on the far right of the stage. A dock is painted on the backdrop. Yuna is looking around the beach now and sighing.

Lulu: Take your time.

Tidus (reviving): Let's get going, man!

Wakka (letting him down) We're gonna wait. (to Yuna) Are you ready? (Yuna nods and they approach the statue. Wakka kneels down, performing the prayer he taught Tidus earlier)

Tidus: I hate to be Mr. Clueless, but as that seems to be how I was written: what's going on?

Wakka (continuing to pray): It's an ancient custom. People leaving the island pray here for a safe trip. Chappu didn't pray that day. Said he'd miss his boat. (He continues to pray for a while. Lulu takes out a nail file. Yuna shivers from her lack of clothing. Tidus tries to warm her by putting his arm around her, but she resists his advances. Finally Wakka stands.) That should do it! (The group heads off to the dock. All of a sudden, the furry blue lion runs on from the left of the stage and attacks Tidus. They battle clumsily for a few minutes.)

Wakka: That's enough! (Kimahri gets down on all fours and begins to purr while Wakka pets him.)

Tidus: What's with that guy?

Yuna (singing): Kimahri is a Ronso Cat who comes from Gagazet
In fact he is the roughest cat I've ever met with yet
From Luca up to Zanarkand he chases all the fiends
To learn their way of fighting is the way he aids his friends.

His manners and appearance do not calculate to please
His coat is torn and seedy it is baggy at the knees
His horn is somewhat missing, no need to tell you why
And he scowls upon a hostile world from his forbidding eyes

Lulu: The summoners of Kilika know something of his fame
At Djose and the Moonflow they rejoice to hear his name
People cheer to see the guardian who's proved to be such use
At rounding up all foolish fiends when he is on the loose!

Woe to the weak Bashura that roams the mountain caves
Woe to the flying Ahriman that stalks Zanarkand's graves
Woe to the bristly Behemoth that claws and stomps and nips
And woe to any fiend with whom Kimahri comes to grips!

Yuna/Lulu/Wakka: But even though to all the fiends his hatred has been vowed
To him by other Ronso Cats no value is allowed
The others of his species still regard him with much scorn
Because it was a Ronso friend who mauled his broken horn

Wakka (as the song ends): Basically, he's another of Yuna's guardians.

Tidus: Why didn't you just say so? Why do you people have to sing everything? (They all shrug.)

Yuna: Sometimes we don't understand him either. Kimahri doesn't talk much anyway, but he has protected me since I was a child!

Just then a bunch of people come to say goodbye to Yuna. They wave and cry, and she answers them with the prayer as they prepare to board the ship.

Yuna: Goodbye.

Jecht (offstage): Now that was a profound ending to a crappy scene.

A/N: Once again my sincerest apologies for taking so long. baps fickle muse Song is "Growltiger's Last Stand" from Cats.