Disclaimer: I now have a very cool pirate T-shirt that I bought at the
Flogging Molly concert, but still no assassins. Quotes were found in
various sources that I don't want to name, might be taken out of context.
Review, you don't want to make the pygmies cry do you?
Aya. HOW I HATE HIM. Not as a person (well, fictitious character) he's an okay guy (cartoon) but I don't understand him. He has no sense of humor at all, and to me, people like that are worthless. We should tie them all up and leaving on a floating island in the pacific made of Pepsi cans and chewing gum with only the pygmies for company. I have tried to give him a sense of humor, if only in his head. He's a tad more mature and mellow then he was in First Impressions. Please tell me if he is off character, I am really trying.
Chapter 1: Homo-Erectus (Man-Watching Boner)
"Homo erectus is a hominid species designated to the Homo genus that exhibits a morphology of a warmer climate. Erectus was the most far-ranging hominid to have existed. Homo erectus (or the various species which may be subsumed under that appellation) are extremely important in the study of modern humans."
It was 3 AM when Yoji finally sauntered in the door of the flower shop. He was greeted by the sounds of sex. Well, not sex so much as foreplay that was fast turning into sex. That had him puzzled. How the hell had Ken gotten a woman to have sex with him? On the flower shop floor no less.
Ken had worked closing in the shop, and it was inventory time. He would have had to be working until midnight at least. There was no way he had managed to pick up a girl that fast, his womanizing skills left a lot to be desired.
Yoji didn't even consider it could be Omi who had a girl until the counter beneath the register made a very Omi-like wail. But no it couldn't be Omi. Yoji reached the conclusion that there were strangers having sex in his house as a rather short skirt came flying out of nowhere and hit him in the face.
Flicking on the lights, he called out in his most menacing voice "Who are you and what are you doing here?"
After a squeal and a great deal of shuffling, Omi's rumpled head peeked over the counter, followed by his shoulders and the upper part of his chest, which had a shirt that was too big for him on backwards. He looked taller then usual.
"It's just me Yoji-kun, I was looking for the sales receipts." Omi said this with such sweet, trusting honesty that Yoji might have believed him, (or at the very least assumed he was having a little fun with himself) and left him to it, except the small squeaks Omi made told him someone was keeping the party going. (That and there was lipstick smeared all over his face.)
"Alone?"
"Yes alone" Omi was panting now, and he kept batting at the area in front of his groin (which was hidden behind the counter.) Yoji gave him a knowing smirk.
"Alright you win Yoji-kun, I am on a date. Please leave." Omi's date made the sounds of suppressed laughter.
There was no way in hell Yoji was leaving without meeting this mystery date. "So, introduce us."
"mmm . . . . ah. . no. . Yoji-kun, she's . . ow. . naked. Isn't that right Oka?" Omi glared down at his crotch which made a muffled affirmative squeak and more suppressed laughter.
Bullshit. There was no way that was Oka. Yoji could see Oka having sex and he could see Omi having sex, but he couldn't see either one taking the initiative to have sex on the flower shop floor. Besides, Omi seemed to have forgotten that Oka was his sister now, not his girlfriend, which indicated it was someone better then Oka. He was about to ask who she was again when. . .
"Quit it Ken-kun this isn't the time." Realizing his slip, Omi slapped his free hand (that wasn't batting at his groin) over his mouth and turned beet red. There was decidedly masculine laughter coming from the area of his crotch.
Yoji was stunned.
Even more so when a shirtless Ken stood up behind Omi and wrapped his naked arms tightly around the mortified boy's chest, slipping his hands under the shirt and smirking at Yoji while he whispered something in Omi's ear. Omi, if it's possible, turned even redder and tried to break free of his hold, but Ken just chuckled and held him harder.
Yoji stared at them for a few minutes, Ken, then Omi, then Ken's hands which were running up and down Omi's chest under the shirt which he now recognized as Ken's lucky sweatshirt. Lucky indeed.
Yoji was sickened by the spectacle, it was wrong. Unnatural. Really hot. Yoji gave himself a mental shake and turned away. No, he was not into guys. He would have to have a little talk with Ken and Omi in the morning about keeping their perversion private.
How could they be attracted to another guy? Yoji was open-minded; he could deal with them being gay as long as he didn't have to see it. They were missing out though; he could not fathom how gay sex could begin to compare with the real thing. How did it even work?
...wait a minute, how did it work?
Yoji was a connoisseur of porn, but he only watched the classy kind. Either lesbians or several women pleasuring one guy. Neither Ken nor Omi had the essential equipment to do those sort of moves.
Yoji was about to embarrass himself by asking, when it occurred to him that he could easily find out on his own. If Omi was down here then there was no one using his computer.
Yoji went up the stairs and into Omi's room almost nervously.
***
I'll admit, I felt a little guilty about Omi's embarrassment, I didn't expect Ken to drag him into this. He should cut the jock off for a while.
Weiss technically disbanded about six months ago. We all still live here in the flower shop, and everyone works here at least part-time even though Kritiker left us pretty much set for life. Omi has a real job as a hacker for Kritiker. He still dresses like a gay pirate.
Ken is a social studies teacher/soccer coach at the local high school. When I found out where they get their teachers I enrolled Aya in a girl's private school a few cities away. She comes home every other weekend.
And Yoji, Yoji still works in the flower shop with me. He still has next to no fashion sense and still hits on every female over eighteen.
There in lies the problem.
I've actually been in love with Yoji for quite a while, but when Weiss was active I was too preoccupied with revenge to care. I always planned to die a hero's death being cut down by Takatori's bodyguards after I achieved my revenge, taking the secret of my unrequited love with me to hell.
Much to my annoyance, I survived. So now I am here, disgustedly watching Yoji pimp himself to the customers as usual, and wishing I had my katana on hand so I could put one of us out of our misery.
Now that I have time on my hands for meddling, I decided to start nosing into everyone else's love life to get my mind off my own. I started with Ken and Omi thinking they would make a cute couple, only to be informed somewhat hesitantly that they had been sleeping together since the night before Ken dumped that Yuriko chick.
Aya-chan is not interested in boys at the moment, which worries me a bit, but it's really too soon to tell and if she is a lesbian, and if she is I really can't talk.
So we are back to me and my love life. Goodie. The first thing to do was get Yoji in the proper mindset. Yoji is very much in denial about his obvious sexual preferences, presumably because of his strict upbringing. This is where Ken came in. I asked him to come out to the playboy in such a way as to make him think. I expected him to let something slip about Kase or leave some porn laying around or something, not molest Omi in plain sight, but Ken insists that he didn't plan it that way he just took the opportunity as it presented itself.
It worked though, Yoji was in Omi's room researching gay sex for four hours. How do I know? I watched him. Ken told me what had happened and I stood outside the slightly opened door and watched his reaction. He kept mumbling about how disgusting and painful it looked, but he didn't stop, and when he finally left for his own bed he had a half erection, much to his dismay.
Step one of the master plan has been achieved. I now know that deep down inside Yoji is at least a little gay (not that I had any doubt). Now I just need to get him to accept it and then fall for me.
Now that I had some assurance as to Yoji's questionable sexuality, I needed to research ways to turn him. I decided for plan A that I would focus on the straight-man phenomenon known as The Man-Watching Boner.
Straight men, when watching manly sports, on occasion end up with wood. They always write it off as a side effect of the excitement combined with beer, but I don't think we can write it off so easily. The truth is, every man is deep down inside a little bit gay, my job is to find out what it is about sports that makes this part of the subconscious surface and exploit it in my nefarious scheme.
After about six hours of watching competitive lacrosse (I didn't want to upset Omi by jerking off to soccer) and not getting anywhere I decided to change tactics. I asked the sports man himself.
RAN: What is it about sports that gives men erections?
KEN: Did you just say erection? I didn't know anyone actually ever said that. Why can't you just say boner or wood?
RAN: That doesn't answer my question.
KEN: I don't know, probably the tight pants and the sweat and the bodies rubbing and the...have you seen Omi around?
RAN: No
That went not so well. Serves me right for asking Ken for advice. When he and Omi finish I'll go talk to Omi.
RAN: What is it about sports that gives men erections?
OMI: Aya-kun!
RAN: I'm serious Omi
OMI: You mean straight guys or Ken?
RAN: Straight guys
OMI: It probably has to do with the false security they feel when doing something manly. Because watching sports is such a hetero thing to do, they lower the defenses that they usually put up to assure the world that they aren't gay.
RAN: Hn.
Omi was a bit more informative. Now with a vague idea, I decided to proceed with my plan, and no I am not going to give it a gay name like Operation: Fag-ify Yoji.
Watching sports is no good because there is no way to force Yoji to watch and he doesn't like them. Besides, I think playing sports would help my goal a lot more anyway. Getting Yoji to participate is going to be the hard part, well that and not doing anything too out of character, I don't want him to get suspicious.
I decided my best weapon in this fight was Omi. Even I will admit to being swayed by those big blue eyes (if not by the big brunette standing behind him and glaring at me to do whatever Omi wants while making imaginary bugnuk motions). We prepared a script and so as to make it seem spontaneous, implemented our plan Sunday over breakfast.
OMI: When's the last time we did something as a team?
KEN: I don't know Omi, when. (Ken isn't sticking to the script which clearly states 'Ken keeps his oversized trap shut')
OMI: Let's all go to the park
YOJI: ...you guys go ahead, I'm going to catch up on my beauty sleep.
OMI: (big pouty eyes directed at Yoji)
YOJI: No
OMI: (big pouty eyes directed at Ran)
RAN: Go get dressed Kudou, we'll be waiting in the car.
Preformed to near perfection. Omi would make a great actor, although I do find it unnerving how convincing his faked pouty look was.
We got to the park around noon and Ken, sticking to the script this time, suggests we play football rather then soccer, saying it will be more fun if he doesn't have such a big advantage (actually it's so we can tackle each other). We split into teams of Ken and me versus Omi and Yoji. To ensure that everyone participates, the losing team has to work closing in the shop for the next two weeks.
The game starts off with Ken tackling Omi, despite the fact that Ken is the one holding the ball (this is understandable since Omi is still pissed and for the most part won't let Ken touch him). This happens four times before Omi, sensing my growing annoyance, steals the ball from Ken, tossing it to Yoji. I chase after him, but he's too fast and scores a point. Damn I didn't count on that.
Ken and I have a brief huddle during which I threaten to use my katana on one of the more sensitive parts of his body if he doesn't help. After that the game became heated, and two hours in we are tied five to five. Yoji is actually pretty good. Omi doesn't have a chance because Ken's got him on the ground the second he gets the ball.
I am about to give up and call it a game before Yoji wins and I end up with extra shifts on top of the depression of my plan not working, when Ken throws me the ball. I haven't touched the ball the entire game, I wonder why it didn't occur to me sooner. Soon Yoji is running me down. I put up a good show, but I let him catch me, swiveling my body as I'm tackled so I am lying face up on the ground with Yoji's head buried in my chest.
Now is my chance.
I slowly reposition my leg so it's pushing against his groin gently and rub under the pretence of trying to squirm away.
He is completely unaware of my ministrations for about a second, and then he jumps up like I bit him and says that he and Omi forfeit.
Oh well, at least I get the nights off for the next two weeks to scheme some more.
There is a semi-lemon on mediaminer.org under the lost lemons. It really isn't a lemon so much as a side chapter that shows the first scene of this chapter from Ken and Omi's point of view that I couldn't fit in here without detracting from the plot, but it does have several lemony qualities. If you aren't offended by that sort of thing, I would like everyone to read it, it explains a few things and I plan to make a refrence to it in my next chapter, but it isn't critical to the story.
It has come to my attention that my stories seem rushed. I've noticed this too, the reason why is that I usually start my stories with the ending so I know where I'm going and I get impatient. This is also why my updates are so prompt. For this fic I am branching out. I have no idea where it's going. Maybe Aya will win, maybe Yoji really isn't gay, maybe they will all have a drunken orgy with Momoe-san and decide they all want to be straight. I haven't decided yet.
Also, I'm sorry if my parenthesis bother anyone, but that's just the way my mind works. I do go through my fics before I post them and incorporate as many as possible into the fabric of the story, but sometimes I just prefer to leave them as random thoughts. They are supposed to be random epiphanies of the characters rather then author's notes though.
Review, you don't want to make the pygmies cry do you?
Aya. HOW I HATE HIM. Not as a person (well, fictitious character) he's an okay guy (cartoon) but I don't understand him. He has no sense of humor at all, and to me, people like that are worthless. We should tie them all up and leaving on a floating island in the pacific made of Pepsi cans and chewing gum with only the pygmies for company. I have tried to give him a sense of humor, if only in his head. He's a tad more mature and mellow then he was in First Impressions. Please tell me if he is off character, I am really trying.
Chapter 1: Homo-Erectus (Man-Watching Boner)
"Homo erectus is a hominid species designated to the Homo genus that exhibits a morphology of a warmer climate. Erectus was the most far-ranging hominid to have existed. Homo erectus (or the various species which may be subsumed under that appellation) are extremely important in the study of modern humans."
It was 3 AM when Yoji finally sauntered in the door of the flower shop. He was greeted by the sounds of sex. Well, not sex so much as foreplay that was fast turning into sex. That had him puzzled. How the hell had Ken gotten a woman to have sex with him? On the flower shop floor no less.
Ken had worked closing in the shop, and it was inventory time. He would have had to be working until midnight at least. There was no way he had managed to pick up a girl that fast, his womanizing skills left a lot to be desired.
Yoji didn't even consider it could be Omi who had a girl until the counter beneath the register made a very Omi-like wail. But no it couldn't be Omi. Yoji reached the conclusion that there were strangers having sex in his house as a rather short skirt came flying out of nowhere and hit him in the face.
Flicking on the lights, he called out in his most menacing voice "Who are you and what are you doing here?"
After a squeal and a great deal of shuffling, Omi's rumpled head peeked over the counter, followed by his shoulders and the upper part of his chest, which had a shirt that was too big for him on backwards. He looked taller then usual.
"It's just me Yoji-kun, I was looking for the sales receipts." Omi said this with such sweet, trusting honesty that Yoji might have believed him, (or at the very least assumed he was having a little fun with himself) and left him to it, except the small squeaks Omi made told him someone was keeping the party going. (That and there was lipstick smeared all over his face.)
"Alone?"
"Yes alone" Omi was panting now, and he kept batting at the area in front of his groin (which was hidden behind the counter.) Yoji gave him a knowing smirk.
"Alright you win Yoji-kun, I am on a date. Please leave." Omi's date made the sounds of suppressed laughter.
There was no way in hell Yoji was leaving without meeting this mystery date. "So, introduce us."
"mmm . . . . ah. . no. . Yoji-kun, she's . . ow. . naked. Isn't that right Oka?" Omi glared down at his crotch which made a muffled affirmative squeak and more suppressed laughter.
Bullshit. There was no way that was Oka. Yoji could see Oka having sex and he could see Omi having sex, but he couldn't see either one taking the initiative to have sex on the flower shop floor. Besides, Omi seemed to have forgotten that Oka was his sister now, not his girlfriend, which indicated it was someone better then Oka. He was about to ask who she was again when. . .
"Quit it Ken-kun this isn't the time." Realizing his slip, Omi slapped his free hand (that wasn't batting at his groin) over his mouth and turned beet red. There was decidedly masculine laughter coming from the area of his crotch.
Yoji was stunned.
Even more so when a shirtless Ken stood up behind Omi and wrapped his naked arms tightly around the mortified boy's chest, slipping his hands under the shirt and smirking at Yoji while he whispered something in Omi's ear. Omi, if it's possible, turned even redder and tried to break free of his hold, but Ken just chuckled and held him harder.
Yoji stared at them for a few minutes, Ken, then Omi, then Ken's hands which were running up and down Omi's chest under the shirt which he now recognized as Ken's lucky sweatshirt. Lucky indeed.
Yoji was sickened by the spectacle, it was wrong. Unnatural. Really hot. Yoji gave himself a mental shake and turned away. No, he was not into guys. He would have to have a little talk with Ken and Omi in the morning about keeping their perversion private.
How could they be attracted to another guy? Yoji was open-minded; he could deal with them being gay as long as he didn't have to see it. They were missing out though; he could not fathom how gay sex could begin to compare with the real thing. How did it even work?
...wait a minute, how did it work?
Yoji was a connoisseur of porn, but he only watched the classy kind. Either lesbians or several women pleasuring one guy. Neither Ken nor Omi had the essential equipment to do those sort of moves.
Yoji was about to embarrass himself by asking, when it occurred to him that he could easily find out on his own. If Omi was down here then there was no one using his computer.
Yoji went up the stairs and into Omi's room almost nervously.
***
I'll admit, I felt a little guilty about Omi's embarrassment, I didn't expect Ken to drag him into this. He should cut the jock off for a while.
Weiss technically disbanded about six months ago. We all still live here in the flower shop, and everyone works here at least part-time even though Kritiker left us pretty much set for life. Omi has a real job as a hacker for Kritiker. He still dresses like a gay pirate.
Ken is a social studies teacher/soccer coach at the local high school. When I found out where they get their teachers I enrolled Aya in a girl's private school a few cities away. She comes home every other weekend.
And Yoji, Yoji still works in the flower shop with me. He still has next to no fashion sense and still hits on every female over eighteen.
There in lies the problem.
I've actually been in love with Yoji for quite a while, but when Weiss was active I was too preoccupied with revenge to care. I always planned to die a hero's death being cut down by Takatori's bodyguards after I achieved my revenge, taking the secret of my unrequited love with me to hell.
Much to my annoyance, I survived. So now I am here, disgustedly watching Yoji pimp himself to the customers as usual, and wishing I had my katana on hand so I could put one of us out of our misery.
Now that I have time on my hands for meddling, I decided to start nosing into everyone else's love life to get my mind off my own. I started with Ken and Omi thinking they would make a cute couple, only to be informed somewhat hesitantly that they had been sleeping together since the night before Ken dumped that Yuriko chick.
Aya-chan is not interested in boys at the moment, which worries me a bit, but it's really too soon to tell and if she is a lesbian, and if she is I really can't talk.
So we are back to me and my love life. Goodie. The first thing to do was get Yoji in the proper mindset. Yoji is very much in denial about his obvious sexual preferences, presumably because of his strict upbringing. This is where Ken came in. I asked him to come out to the playboy in such a way as to make him think. I expected him to let something slip about Kase or leave some porn laying around or something, not molest Omi in plain sight, but Ken insists that he didn't plan it that way he just took the opportunity as it presented itself.
It worked though, Yoji was in Omi's room researching gay sex for four hours. How do I know? I watched him. Ken told me what had happened and I stood outside the slightly opened door and watched his reaction. He kept mumbling about how disgusting and painful it looked, but he didn't stop, and when he finally left for his own bed he had a half erection, much to his dismay.
Step one of the master plan has been achieved. I now know that deep down inside Yoji is at least a little gay (not that I had any doubt). Now I just need to get him to accept it and then fall for me.
Now that I had some assurance as to Yoji's questionable sexuality, I needed to research ways to turn him. I decided for plan A that I would focus on the straight-man phenomenon known as The Man-Watching Boner.
Straight men, when watching manly sports, on occasion end up with wood. They always write it off as a side effect of the excitement combined with beer, but I don't think we can write it off so easily. The truth is, every man is deep down inside a little bit gay, my job is to find out what it is about sports that makes this part of the subconscious surface and exploit it in my nefarious scheme.
After about six hours of watching competitive lacrosse (I didn't want to upset Omi by jerking off to soccer) and not getting anywhere I decided to change tactics. I asked the sports man himself.
RAN: What is it about sports that gives men erections?
KEN: Did you just say erection? I didn't know anyone actually ever said that. Why can't you just say boner or wood?
RAN: That doesn't answer my question.
KEN: I don't know, probably the tight pants and the sweat and the bodies rubbing and the...have you seen Omi around?
RAN: No
That went not so well. Serves me right for asking Ken for advice. When he and Omi finish I'll go talk to Omi.
RAN: What is it about sports that gives men erections?
OMI: Aya-kun!
RAN: I'm serious Omi
OMI: You mean straight guys or Ken?
RAN: Straight guys
OMI: It probably has to do with the false security they feel when doing something manly. Because watching sports is such a hetero thing to do, they lower the defenses that they usually put up to assure the world that they aren't gay.
RAN: Hn.
Omi was a bit more informative. Now with a vague idea, I decided to proceed with my plan, and no I am not going to give it a gay name like Operation: Fag-ify Yoji.
Watching sports is no good because there is no way to force Yoji to watch and he doesn't like them. Besides, I think playing sports would help my goal a lot more anyway. Getting Yoji to participate is going to be the hard part, well that and not doing anything too out of character, I don't want him to get suspicious.
I decided my best weapon in this fight was Omi. Even I will admit to being swayed by those big blue eyes (if not by the big brunette standing behind him and glaring at me to do whatever Omi wants while making imaginary bugnuk motions). We prepared a script and so as to make it seem spontaneous, implemented our plan Sunday over breakfast.
OMI: When's the last time we did something as a team?
KEN: I don't know Omi, when. (Ken isn't sticking to the script which clearly states 'Ken keeps his oversized trap shut')
OMI: Let's all go to the park
YOJI: ...you guys go ahead, I'm going to catch up on my beauty sleep.
OMI: (big pouty eyes directed at Yoji)
YOJI: No
OMI: (big pouty eyes directed at Ran)
RAN: Go get dressed Kudou, we'll be waiting in the car.
Preformed to near perfection. Omi would make a great actor, although I do find it unnerving how convincing his faked pouty look was.
We got to the park around noon and Ken, sticking to the script this time, suggests we play football rather then soccer, saying it will be more fun if he doesn't have such a big advantage (actually it's so we can tackle each other). We split into teams of Ken and me versus Omi and Yoji. To ensure that everyone participates, the losing team has to work closing in the shop for the next two weeks.
The game starts off with Ken tackling Omi, despite the fact that Ken is the one holding the ball (this is understandable since Omi is still pissed and for the most part won't let Ken touch him). This happens four times before Omi, sensing my growing annoyance, steals the ball from Ken, tossing it to Yoji. I chase after him, but he's too fast and scores a point. Damn I didn't count on that.
Ken and I have a brief huddle during which I threaten to use my katana on one of the more sensitive parts of his body if he doesn't help. After that the game became heated, and two hours in we are tied five to five. Yoji is actually pretty good. Omi doesn't have a chance because Ken's got him on the ground the second he gets the ball.
I am about to give up and call it a game before Yoji wins and I end up with extra shifts on top of the depression of my plan not working, when Ken throws me the ball. I haven't touched the ball the entire game, I wonder why it didn't occur to me sooner. Soon Yoji is running me down. I put up a good show, but I let him catch me, swiveling my body as I'm tackled so I am lying face up on the ground with Yoji's head buried in my chest.
Now is my chance.
I slowly reposition my leg so it's pushing against his groin gently and rub under the pretence of trying to squirm away.
He is completely unaware of my ministrations for about a second, and then he jumps up like I bit him and says that he and Omi forfeit.
Oh well, at least I get the nights off for the next two weeks to scheme some more.
There is a semi-lemon on mediaminer.org under the lost lemons. It really isn't a lemon so much as a side chapter that shows the first scene of this chapter from Ken and Omi's point of view that I couldn't fit in here without detracting from the plot, but it does have several lemony qualities. If you aren't offended by that sort of thing, I would like everyone to read it, it explains a few things and I plan to make a refrence to it in my next chapter, but it isn't critical to the story.
It has come to my attention that my stories seem rushed. I've noticed this too, the reason why is that I usually start my stories with the ending so I know where I'm going and I get impatient. This is also why my updates are so prompt. For this fic I am branching out. I have no idea where it's going. Maybe Aya will win, maybe Yoji really isn't gay, maybe they will all have a drunken orgy with Momoe-san and decide they all want to be straight. I haven't decided yet.
Also, I'm sorry if my parenthesis bother anyone, but that's just the way my mind works. I do go through my fics before I post them and incorporate as many as possible into the fabric of the story, but sometimes I just prefer to leave them as random thoughts. They are supposed to be random epiphanies of the characters rather then author's notes though.