What if Harry Had Said

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A/N: This is a series of excerpts from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. These are things that I think would have been humorous, ironic, or cool if Harry had said in certain situations. If I get enough feedback from people that enjoy this, I will do the same thing for the other books. All page number references are from the American paperback release of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

This excerpt begins on page 22. It is the scene where Petunia has discovered Mrs. Figg has broken her leg and can't baby-sit Harry during the trip to the zoo.

"We could phone Marge." Uncle Vernon suggested.

"Don't be silly, Vernon, she hates the boy."

Harry snorted and mumbled under his breath, "It's not like I want to be around that fat bitch, either. She smells like those disgusting dogs of hers. I wouldn't be surprised if she slept with them."

Vernon looked over at Harry, "What was that, boy?"

Harry smiled innocently, "Nothing, Uncle Vernon. I was just talking to myself."

This excerpt begins on page 85, and is set in Ollivander's shop in Diagon Alley.

"Yes, thirteen and a half inches. Yew. Curious indeed how these things happen. The wand chooses the wizard, remember… I think we must expect great things from you, Mr. Potter… After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things--- terrible, yes, but great."

Harry flashed a feral smile, "Then, I suppose that I will just have to break that wand if I ever come across it."

Ollivander smiled in return, "Excellent, Mr. Potter. I have faith that you will do just that."

This excerpt begins on page 139. It is set in Harry's first Potion's class just after Neville has melted Seamus' cauldron and been taken to the hospital wing.

"You---Potter--- why didn't you tell him not to add the quills? Thought he'd make you look good if he got it wrong, did you? That's another point you've lost for Gryffindor."

Harry replied boldly, "Let's make it a rounder number, Professor Snape, because you are the ugliest git I have ever seen, and I feel it is my duty to inform you of the fact."

This excerpt begins on page 162. It is after the encounter with Fluffy, and the trio has returned to the common room.

"You don't use your eyes, any of you, do you?" she snapped. "Didn't you see what it was standing on?"

Harry retorted, "And you use your mouth entirely too much. Of course we didn't see what it was standing on. We were too busy looking at its heads."

This excerpt begins on page 206. It is set when Harry sneaks into the Restricted Section of the library.

A piercing, bloodcurdling shriek split the silence--- the book was screaming! Harry snapped it shut and swore violently beneath his breath, "Damn, why don't they put warning labels on shit like that!"

This excerpt begins on page 236. It is set while Harry is trying to convince Hagrid that he has to get rid of Norbert.

Harry suddenly turned to Ron.

"Charlie." he said.

"You're losing it, too." said Ron. "I'm Ron remember?"

"I swear, Ron, sometimes I wonder how you make it to class. Charlie, your brother, Charlie. In Romania. Studying dragons. We could send Norbert to him. Charlie can take care of him and then put him back in the wild."

This excerpt begins on page 241. It is set when Harry and Hermione are taking Norbert up to the top of the North Tower, just after Professor McGonagall catches Malfoy.

Hermione did a sort of jig.

"Malfoy's got detention! I could sing!"

Harry replied dryly, "Don't, I would like for my ears to remain where they are."

This excerpt begins on page 254. It is set in the Forbidden Forest during the student's detention with Hagrid.

"Mars is bright tonight." he said simply.

Harry snorted, "Nobody asked about Mars." Harry leaned close to Hagrid and whispered, "Are they thick or something?"

This excerpt begins on page 288. It is set just as Harry enters the room containing the Mirror of Erised and finds Quirrel as opposed to Snape.

It was Quirrell.

"You." gasped Harry.

Quirrell smiled. His face wasn't twitching at all.

"Me." he said calmly. "I wondered whether I would be meeting you here, Potter."

Harry smirked and then chuckled, "It seems that I was wrong. Voldemort managed to find another stooge amongst the faculty here."

This excerpt begins on page 292. It is set when Voldemort tells Quirrell to use the boy to find the stone in the Mirror of Erised chamber.

"Well?" said Quirrell impatiently. "What do you see?"

Harry chuckled lightly, "I see your Masters demise. I see myself triumphant over your pathetic Lord Voldemort. Just as I was over ten years ago."

This excerpt begins on page 308. It is set just after the students get off the train at King's Cross station.

"There he is, Mom, there he is, look!"

It was Ginny Weasley, Ron's younger sister, but she wasn't pointing at Ron.

"Harry Potter!" she squealed. "Look, Mom! I can see ---"

"Be quiet, Ginny, and it's rude to point."

Mrs. Weasley smiled down at them.

Harry laughed at the young red head's antics, "It's okay, Mrs. Weasley. I'm used to people pointing at me. Besides I can't imagine anyone else that I would rather have pointing at me than your lovely daughter."

Ginny flushed a scarlet that would match the color of her hair any day at the unexpected praise.