Chapter Four: First Love

Megumi rolled her neck, trying to get the kinks out from the long day. She hadn't had time to think about her surprise visitor after he left, and was surprised by the sense of grief overwhelming her as she unlocked the car. She sat, her head on the steering wheel, feeling the exhaustion smack her as if she was body surfing in the day's stress.

Images of the first time she saw the young Okashira inundated her memories. Watching him from behind the curtains at Kanny's house, seeing him carry Beshimi to the nurse's office after Beshimi had been injured in a fight, taunting him to gain his attention, biting him when he kissed her roughly the first time, crawling into his bed and making some of the sweetest loving she'd ever had, feeling his hair wrapped around her fingers.

She never thought about those years before her life was changed by the gentle redhead with the scar and his rooster friend. She wasn't the same young girl in Kanny's care: being used for his fowl deeds, destroying other men as he wished; a pawn without any control over her actions. Himura had rescued her from that life and when she left it behind, she left her memories of him as well. Her heart sang his name and she squeezed her eyes tight trying not to hear the song.

She didn't want to hear the song. She'd quit listening to music years ago. After Kenshin died and Sano walked away, she shut down the part of her heart that felt. Content to feel the cold steel of apathy rather than the constant ache of loneliness, she started living her living again, careful not to become attached to anyone else who would leave her, not even wanting a pet for company. Everyone she loved left forever and the pain of being left behind was more intense than the worse poison she knew. It was far better to not risk being hurt again, of never loving again than go through that anguish alone.

Many nights after Sano walked away, she stood in front of the old medicine cabinet, one hand on the tiny bottle that was guaranteed to make the hurt go away forever and the other hand clenching the note he left behind. Tears leaked out of her eyes at the oddest sights until she slowly build up a resistance to the memories and shut the pain away. She no longer cried when she saw a young boy teasing a girl, or saw a kite in the sky. She could even hear his name and not need to reach for a tissue.

When Sano first left, she couldn't believe he was gone, checking her cell phone a hundred times a day for his familiar text message, leaving her email open and running whenever mail arrived, and seeing him in the clouds, in the rain puddles, in the dew on her car in the morning. But he was never there and slowly she toughened up, not checking her email for days, or running to answer the phone anymore. Slowly, gradually, she quit caring.

She sighed, sat up, and ran her hand through her tangled hair. Just because an old love appeared didn't mean she had to lose it. Just because he kissed her didn't mean she had to reopen a part of her life she thought was closed to her forever. He'd been kissing her without her permission since the first time they met and by now, she should be used to the physical jerk that happened when she caressed his velvet lips. It's just a physical reaction, she thought, turning the key in the ignition. Music filled the car as the car engine caught and purred.

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Anata wa doko ni irun darou
Dare wo omotterun darou

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka darekato mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love songu
Atarashii uta utaeru made

She jerked in dismay and astonishment, searching for the source of the sound. She was sure she'd left the radio on NPR this morning. She pushed the eject button on the CD player. The familiar neat printing on the CD shook her. She checked the back seat, self-conscious, but it was empty as she suspected it would be. The leader of the Owibanwabanshu wouldn't be stupid enough to get caught hiding in the backseat, but he was more than capable of unlocking her door without the key.

That was his neat schoolboy script on the disc. She knew it as well as her own handwriting. She'd watched him write class work during his slow recovery from Viral Meningitis that he'd gotten from that tiny street urchin, Misao. He sat at the table struggling to concentrate and she'd scrunch up her face watching him print each word painfully trying to regain his strength and shaking off the mental sluggishness he wasn't used to experiencing. Sometimes, she'd distract him with a laugh or a kiss until his head would clear and he could focus on the task at hand again, but mostly she watched him from behind her own textbooks, memorizing his face, his hands, his throat as if each time she saw him would be the last.

She knew in her heart she was the wrong person for him, that she shouldn't love him, that it would hurt when she left him, that he'd hate her forever, but she wasn't strong enough to give him up and let him go before it was too late. She was a weakling, a cripple, and she wanted him. She wanted him even if it meant he'd hate her later. She had wanted him so much.

She held the silver disc carefully between her fingers, the prism rainbow catching her eye. A long slender fingerprint stilled her heart. She traced the fingerprint lightly, afraid of smearing it, unable to believe he was careless enough to leave a fingerprint behind on the CD. Her fingers retained the memory of his face, his chest, his arms even after all this time, as if his texture was embedded into her very skin. She slid the CD back in the player. The first words felt like a slap on her face.

Tachidomaru jikan ga
Ugoki dasouto shiteru
Wasuretakunai kotobakari

The night they said good-bye was a memory she locked in box, unwilling to open, unwilling to face, unwilling to look him in the eyes after her betrayal. She understood how much he hated her. She'd been his first love, and she'd sold him out to the man who wanted to use him and his position. She longed for him to call her back when she walked away from him, for him to stop her, but he didn't and she knew he would never be able to forgive her for her actions. When she learned of the depth of Kanny's plot, she died inside, knowing she would never be able to make it right with him again, that she had lost him forever.

Ashita no imagoro niwa
Watashi wa kitto naite iru
Anatawo omotterundarou

The blood drained from her face, and she covered her eyes, unwilling to hear the words, to hear the meaning behind them. But the song was relentless, the notes and the words pounding on her heart, breaking down the walls to her soul that she'd bricked up years ago. Each word was a sledge hammer whamming on the steel door. She was afraid to hope, afraid to believe, afraid to open up old wounds. They were lies, the words to this song, they were all lies. He didn't mean for her to take them personally. He didn't mean them. They were a tool for getting back at her, for hurting her.

You will always be inside my heart
Itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made

Unbidden tears flowed down her face and she sobbed, nearly hysterical, crying for all the losses she'd felt in her life. She cried for her family that never came home, for the boy she'd betrayed, for the people she'd injured working for Kanny, for the evil she had participated in, for the love she could never give, for the friends that died, for the man she had rejected until he could no longer stand being near her and left forever, for the children she never had, for the dreams that had died unfulfilled.

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka darekato mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Mada kanashii love song
Now and forever

She wailed as if her soul was on fire, the hurt primal and cutting to her inner core of existence. All the hurt and pain raging inside, boiling over at the words tumbling in her brain, as the song played ruthlessly on.

"Shush," the voice said, as he pulled her into his arms. "It's ok. I forgive you. I never stopped loving you. It's ok." She had been crying so hard, she didn't hear the car door open. She barely felt him holding her at first. "Shush. Don't cry. It's gonna' be ok. I promise. It'll be ok."

She hiccupped and swallowed a sob, feeling his strong arms surround her, pulling her to safety, and she cried afresh. He held her gently, rocking her slightly, waiting for her flood of tears to subside and patting her back as if she was an infant.

English Translation of Utada Hikaru's song, First Love

Tomorrow, at this time
Where will you be?
Who will you be thinking about?

You are always gonna be my love
Even if I fall in love with someone once again
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
It's still a sad song
Until I can sing a new song

The paused time is
About to start moving
There's many things that I don't want to forget about

Tomorrow, at this time
I will probably be crying
I will probably be thinking about you

You will always be inside my heart
You will always have your own place
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
It's still a sad song
Until I can sing a new song