Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, do you really think I would be writing this? NO! I'd be dead and enjoying myself in heaven right now!!!

Title: Naruto's Book of Fairy Tales

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Various

Warnings: OOCness, slash, incest, slight character bashing, random insane stupidity... o0

Fairy Tale for Chapter: The Lame Fox

Ethnic Origin of Fairy Tale: Czech

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There once was a man named Gaffer who had three sons. Two were bright boys, but the youngest was a completely anti-social, even though he's supposed to be foolish. That having been said, I'm sure you can already guess that the foolish one is the story hero, right?

Now, Gaffer's right eye was always laughing, but his left eye was always weeping. Gaffer's sons decided to ask him why this was so.

The eldest son asked, but Gaffer threw a knife at him. Obviously Gaffer was depressed and mentally unstable, and need professional help, but the sons decided to take the stupid way to find the problem. So anyway, the second son asked and the same thing happened. Both sons fled. But only and idiot wouldn't flee from a depressed and mentally unstable person with a knife.

Then the third son, Sasuke, asked. Gaffer seized the knife, but Sam did not run. After all, Sasuke was the number one rookie of his class, had been on two A class mission, had Sharingan and was a ninja. A knife was not going to scare him. So Gaffer put down the knife and said, "My other two sons are cowards (No, they just know when's a good time to run), but you are brave, so my right eye laughs. But my left eye weeps because my magic vine, which gives twenty-four buckets of wine a day, has been stolen."

"First, why does ANYONE need that much wine a day, and second, your vine was stolen 20 years ago and you haven't gone to look for it yet?" Sasuke asked with an eyebrow raised. Gaffer went on stuttering for a few moments before muttering "Stupid son."

The three brothers agreed to set out in search of the magic vine. The road forked three ways, and each took a path. The two older boys soon met up once more (although how this happened is beyond anyone). "Praise God, we've managed to shake off that anti-social freak!" they laughed and sat down to eat the food they had brought. Along came a lame he-fox (even though it was supposed to be a she-fox. But the authoress doesn't really care at this point) with nine-tails, looking very hungry. But the brothers didn't spare him a crumb; they just said, "There's a fox! Let's kill it!" Obviously these to are inhumane foul humans whom I shall hurt severely later because they tried to hurt a poor fox. And they are also very stupid since this fox was obviously a demon. But seeing as the fox killing them would completely through off the storyline and send the world hurtling towards the sun, the fox just limped away.

When Sasuke sat down to eat, the same fox came up to him. Now, since Sasuke is smart, he knew this was a demon so he decided to try and make friends with it so it didn't kill him. "These are hard times," he said. "Share my meal." Some missing-nins watching from the trees gasped then started running around screaming "THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING!!!" Sasuke grew annoyed and killed them. And there was much rejoicing.

After they had eaten the fox said, "Where are you going?" Now like I said before, this would've shocked Sasuke, but he had seen too many other things to think that this was strange. But Sasuke told him everything anyway.

"Follow me," said the fox.

They came to a garden. "The vine is in there," the fox said (don't ask how he knew; we'll just pretend the fox is psychic). "You must pass twelve guards. Their eyes are open, but they are asleep (obviously the guards are elves). You'll find a gold shovel and a wooden shovel. Dig up the vine with the wooden shovel and come back to me."

Now Sasuke would've dug up the vine with the wooden shovel, but that would be straying from the story line TOO much. So, by demand of the authoress, Sasuke "forgot" what they fox had said, and took up the gold shovel. Although why anyone would want to dig with a gold shovel is beyond me. It must be really heavy and get tiring after awhile. As soon as Sasuke pushed it into the ground, it woke the guards, and they took him to their master.

"But the vine is my father's," Sasuke exclaimed, even though he could have really cared less about it.

"That's as may be," said the lord, "but I will not give it back unless you bring me the golden apple tree that bears golden fruit every day."

Why anyone would want golden fruit was beyond Sasuke, but he went back to the fox and the fox said, "Follow me." He took him to another garden and said, "To reach the golden apple tree, you must pass another twelve guards. By the tree are two poles: a golden one and a wooden one. Take the wooden pole, beat the tree, and come back."

"Umm... How does beating it get the tree to us?" Sasuke asked.

"I don't know, that's just what you're supposed to do," replied the fox.

So Sasuke went to beat the tree, but he 'accidentally on purpose' beat the tree with the golden pole and woke the guards. The lord said, "I'll give you the tree, if you bring me the golden horse with the golden wings."

Sasuke groaned. What did everyone think he was, their errand boy? He liked running from fangirls better than this! Well, not really. Alright, he liked getting beaten by Itachi better than this. And that was saying something.

Sasuke went to the fox and the fox said, "Follow me." He led him through a dark forest (no, it was not The Forest of Death) to a farmyard and said, "First you must pass twelve guards. The golden horse is in a stable and hanging near it are two bridles: one of gold and one of straw (although how anyone could make a straw bridle is beyond anyone). Bridle the horse with the straw one and ride him back to me."

Sasuke 'accidentally on purpose' bridled the horse with the golden bridle and woke the guards. The lord said, "I'll give you the golden horse if bring me...YOUR BODY!!!" Then Orochimaru saw the authoress glaring at him. "Err, I mean, I'll give you the golden horse if you bring me the golden girl in the golden cradle."

Sasuke went back to the fox and the fox said, "Follow me." He took him to a cave and said, "Inside the cave, past the twelve guards, is the golden girl, rocking herself in her golden cradle. Nearby is a huge specter, screaming, 'No! No!' Pay it no mind. Pick up the golden cradle, and bring it to me."

"Uhh... Shouldn't I be putting the golden girl in a wood cradle or something?" asked Sasuke.

"Hey, I don't make the rules, I just tell them, ok?" said the fox.

This time, Sasuke was finally able to do something right instead of 'accidentally on purpose' doing the wrong thing. They went back to the farmyard and the lad said, "The golden girl is so beautiful, it seems a pity to give her up." So the fox changed himself into a golden girl, except his eyes were a fox's eyes. The lad gave the fox-girl to the lord, and took away the golden horse.

That night, Orochimaru was gazing at the golden girl when he cried out, "You have a fox's eyes!" The girl changed back into a fox, which ran to where Sasuke was waiting with the real golden girl and the golden horse. Orochimaru didn't really care. All he wanted was Sasuke's body, so he began making more plans do steal it.

The fox next changed himself into the golden horse, except he still had a fox's tail. Sasuke swapped him for the golden tree. Later, when the lord was admiring the horse, he said, "You are so beautiful, except for that scruffy fox's tail!" The horse changed back into the fox, killed the lord for calling him scruffy, and then ran to where Sasuke was waiting.

Last the fox changed himself into a golden apple tree and Sasuke swapped her for his father's vine. But as the lord was admiring the tree, he suddenly said, "How strange! The apples look like fox's heads!" And the tree turned back into fox, which ran off to join Sasuke, the girl, the horse, the tree and the vine.

On the way home Sasuke encountered his brothers. They threw him down a well and stole his treasures. But when they took them back to their father, the vine wouldn't make wine, the apple tree wouldn't bloom, the golden horse wouldn't neigh and the golden girl wouldn't smile. And still their father's left eye wept.

Meanwhile the lame fox rescued Sam from the well. But only because if Sasuke had rescued himself and gone to kill his brothers, the storyline would have been entirely thrown off. While he lay gasping for air on the grass, he changed into.....

UZUMAKI NARUTO!!!!

"SAUSKE!!!!" Naruto yelled happily as he threw himself at Sasuke.

"NARUTO!!!" Sasuke cried as he hugged Naruto. "I thought Tsunade turned you into a demon!!"

"She did, but then Itachi killed her and told me how to reverse the spell!"

Sasuke smiled, mentally thanked Itachi and then he and Naruto... expressed their love for each other. And everyone lived happily ever after. Even though Sasuke was supposed to get the Golden Girl. Oh well. SasuNaru is WAY better than the Golden Girl.

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Pyro: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! SasuNaru! ;-)

Sasu and Naru: (Curled up in a corner)

Fangirls: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE, NARUTO!!!

Pyro: YOU DIE!!! (Blasts them with her Fireworks 'O Doom) MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!