Multiple Personality Disorder (or how I learned to stop worrying and love my stupid plotbunnies)

Chapter One—Snape's Office

Minerva McGonagall was sitting in her office, bored as hell.

"Maybe I'll go visit Severus…he's been a little off lately."  She proceeded to the dungeons.  Severus was alone in his office, hunched over his desk and weeping.

            "Nobody loves me…I hate myself…..nobody loves me….I hate myself….."              "Severus?  Are you all right?"  He looked up.

            "Oh….Minerva….you are as beautiful as a slowly swirling Libido Potion…..make love to me here, in my office.  I will rip your robes off with the force of a thousand werewolves and-"

            "Severus?  What was that?"

            "Nothing!  Get away from me! You'll never understand all…all the pain I've been through…I was abused as a child, Minerva."  Minerva frowned.

            "Severus, I think you should talk to Dumbledore about that…"

            "Gee golly gosh, Minerva.  Great idea."

            "Was that sarcasm?"

            "Noooooo, not at all."

            "You know, that's really not necessary."

            "Of course it isn't, Minerva."  She turned her back on him and started to walk away.

            "Well, if you're going to be childish…"

            "WAIT!!!  Don't go, Minerva!  Don't leave me here alone!"  She turned around again, sighing.  "I have a question for you!  Not that you'd ever answer it….YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I USED TO BE A DEATH EATER, DON'T YOU?"

            "I don't hate you, Severus!"

            "Of course you don't…how could you, when I'm so ravishingly sexy?"

            "What was your question, Severus?"

            "Can you go to the mall with me?  I need to get the new Marilyn Manson CD, then swing by Hot Topic for some spiked bracelets."

            "Who's Marilyn Manson?"

            "It doesn't matter, Minerva.  All that matters is my love for Harry…no!  It's a shameful secret!  I shouldn't have said it!  Bad, bad Severus…."

            "Severus, I need to go grade essays."

            "If you see Hermione Granger, could you please tell her that I'm going to be a little late with the child support?"

            "Wait a minute…does that mean…"

            "I wonder what you'd look like being slowly roasted over a spit while Lucius Malfoy pinches your nose shut, Minerva….mwah ha ha ha haaaaaa!!!!!!!!"

            "That's it, Severus.  I'm out of here.  You're really starting to creep me out."  She began to leave the office.

            "If you find my hair gel, leather pants, or bottle of vodka, get right back to me!"