Disclaimer: We didn't feel like waiting until November to write a Sweep parody about Thanksgiving. The idea was too funny. You'll see what we mean.
A VERY STRANGE THANKSGIVING
(Scene: the Rowlands house. They are preparing for Thanksgiving dinner.)
MORGAN: (singing) Deck the turkey with lots of stuffing! Fa la la la la la, la la la la! (Mary K gives her a weird look) I'll be quiet.
MRS. ROWLANDS: Morgan, can you stop being so hyper? We have to prepare the house for all of our company that's coming over!
MORGAN: Who's coming over?
MARY K: Only all of our extended family.
MORGAN: Oh. (quietly) I hope that doesn't apply to my extended family.
MR. ROWLANDS: What did you say, sweetie?
MORGAN: Um, nothing?
(A/N: why do all of them start with M's? It's crazy …)
HUNTER: I don't start with M!
MORGAN: Hunter, what are you doing here?
HUNTER: I like decorating!
MORGAN: Don't start on that. Get out of here.
HUNTER: (runs off crying)
WRITER #2: (laughs)
MORGAN: (stares at the ceiling) Did anyone else just hear a disembodied laugh?
MARY K: No. Maybe you need to take a vacation, Morgan.
MORGAN: No! Not another vacation! Our cruise ship would probably crash again.
MRS. ROWLANDS: What do you mean, again? Are you okay, honey? WHAT HAPPENED? TELL ME!
MORGAN: Um, nothing. Nothing happened. I was kidding. Yeah. Kidding.
(the doorbell rings)
MR. ROWLANDS: They're not supposed to be here this early.
MRS. ROWLANDS: I'll get it. (she goes to the door and opens it)
MORGAN: (freaking out) KILLIAN? CIARAN?
KILLIAN: Hey, little sis! We've come to spread the Thanksgiving joy!
MRS. ROWLANDS: Who are you? What are you doing here? HOW DO YOU KNOW MORGAN? HOW? TELL ME!
MORGAN: Mom, you're kind of acting psycho. Let me handle this. (pause) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? TELL ME!
CIARAN: We just wanted to wish you a happy Thanksgiving, daughter of mine.
MR. ROWLANDS: 'Daughter of yours?'
CIARAN: Of course. Morgan is my biological daughter.
(a moment of stunned silence meets this announcement)
MR. ROWLANDS: Nuh-uh.
CIARAN: Yuh-huh!
MRS. ROWLANDS: Nuh-uh!
CIARAN: Yuh-huh!
MR. ROWLANDS: Nuh-uh!
CIARAN: (with crackly witch fire) Yuh-huh!
THE ROWLANDS FAMILY: (cowers back)
MORGAN: Stop that! It's true, Mom and Dad, he is my real father.
CIARAN: Morgan … I am your father!
MORGAN: Thank you for repeating me. But, yeah, it's true. And this is my half-brother, Killian.
KILLIAN: Hi.
(awkward silence ensues)
WRITER #1: 'Awkward' is an awkward word.
WRITER #2: Shut up and write.
WRITER #1: Fine, fine.
(pause)
MORGAN: So what are you guys doing here?
KILLIAN: I'll give you a clue: it rhymes with Manksgiving Minner.
CIARAN: And also with Banksgiving Binner.
MORGAN: (stares stupidly at them) Um … I don't understand.
MARY K: Would you like to stay for Thanksgiving Dinner?
CIARAN: I'll have to check my calendar.
KILLIAN: But, since we're here, why not?
(they both skip off to help set the table)
(Morgan stares after them, still unable to speak)
MORGAN: What just happened?
MARY K: I made a friendly offer.
MORGAN: But they're weird! I don't want them here! They'll ruin our Thanksgiving dinner and freak out all of our relatives!
MARY K: But Killian is so hot! And you already freak all of them out. They're used to it by now. (Morgan starts to cry) Geez, don't cry. I was just kidding. (pause) Sort of.
MRS. ROWLANDS: Morgan, I'd really prefer it if your witch relatives didn't have dinner with us.
MORGAN: So would I!
MARY K: Wait, they're witches? How'd you know they were witches?
MRS. ROWLANDS: That Ciaran fellow was wearing a shirt that said "I'm a Witch."
MR. ROWLANDS: That's probably just some silly fad.
MRS. ROWLANDS: And Killian was wearing one that said "I'm a hot Irish witch."
MR. ROWLANDS: Oh, that settles it. They're out of here.
MARY K: No! Not the hot Irishman! (starts to hum an Irish drinking song and skips off to the kitchen)
MORGAN: (singing) It's the circle of life!
KILLIAN: Morgan, stop singing and help us with the cooking! (Morgan goes into the kitchen to see Killian and Ciaran wearing aprons and chef hats)
MORGAN: (stares)
MRS. ROWLANDS: Where did you get those outfits?
KILLIAN: Um … internet?
MORGAN: Okay. Works for me. (the doorbell rings again) That had better not be who I think it is. (she answers the doorbell and it's an insurance salesman)
INSURANCE SALESMAN: Would you like to buy a quality life insurance policy?
MORGAN: Not really. But I love you!
INSURANCE SALESMAN: (pause) Um, what?
MORGAN: You're not who I thought you were. You're so much better! (hugs him and sends him on his merry way) At least that wasn't – (the boarded-up fireplace suddenly explodes)
LINDSEY: To bring the world to devastation!
KRISTIN: To destroy all covens within our nation!
LINDSEY: To denounce the evils of truth and love!
KRISTIN: To extend our reach to the Goddess above!
LINDSEY: Lindsey!
KRISTIN: Kristin!
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: Coven Amyranth blast off at the speed of light! Surrender now or prepare … to eat!
MIKE: That's right.
(silence)
MORGAN: I hate it when you guys do that.
MIKE: Sorry. We wanted to make an entrance.
MR. ROWLANDS: (faints)
MRS. ROWLANDS: MY CARPET! THERE'S SOOT ALL OVER IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHO ARE YOU? TELL ME!
MORGAN: They're my cousins.
MARY K: These aren't our cousins.
MORGAN: No, my real cousins. They're kind of crazy.
LINDSEY: Hey!
KRISTIN: (stares at imaginary birds flying around) Ooh, pretty birds! (starts to chase them)
MIKE: I thought she was the sane one.
LINDSEY: She hasn't been quite normal since that vacation she took to Texas. I think those cowboys did something to her.
KRISTIN: Git-r-done, y'all!
MORGAN: Um, okay.
LINDSEY: Hakuna Matata!
MARY K: Did she go to Texas, too?
MORGAN: No, she's always like that.
LINDSEY: (laughs evilly)
REST OF THE FAMILY: (runs and hides in the kitchen)
KILLIAN: Hey! Mary K, you're sitting in the mashed potatoes!
LINDSEY: Anyway, we brought you a Thanksgiving gift.
MORGAN: Ooh, a gift? I want! I want!
KRISTIN: (hands her a small bag) It's very powerful, so be careful. (Morgan opens it to reveal a small pouch of dust) It's time-traveling dust. I figured you could use it for a history report or something.
MORGAN: Or … I could use it to go back in time and take over the world at the time of the Pilgrims with my advanced technology!
KRISTIN: (pause) Or, yeah, I guess you could do that.
MORGAN: So how does it work?
LINDSEY: It's like floo powder. Put it in the fireplace, say when and where you're going, and POOF!
MORGAN: (tosses a bit in the fireplace) Um … Plymouth Rock, Pilgrim Time! (she jumps into the fireplace and lands on a rock in the middle of Massachusetts) Whoa, what a different world.
PILGRIM: She's a witch! Witch! Witch!
MORGAN: How could you tell?
PILGRIM: Your shirt says "I'm a Witch."
MORGAN: (sighs) Ciaran just had to get us matching shirts, didn't he? (magickally changes her shirt) See? I'm not a witch!
PILGRIM: All right. Who art thou?
MORGAN: I art Morgan.
PILGRIM: (stares at her)
MORGAN: (stares back)
PILGRIM: Willst thou join our Thanksgiving feast?
MORGAN: I think I willst! (they walk to the campsite, where a huge feast is set up) Wow, look at all that food. (her intense hunger makes her eyes go evil red) FOOOD! GIVE TO ME NOW! (eats all of their food)
PILGRIMS: Witch! Witch! Witch!
MORGAN: (mouth full) Oh, did you want something?
(Scene: the Rowlands house, present time. The family has sat down for dinner without Morgan.)
MORGAN: Hey!
WRITER #1: You're not even here!
WRITER #2: Be gone!
MORGAN: Fine.
MARY K: So, Killian, how did you meet Morgan?
KILLIAN: (takes a deep breath) Well, I first met Morgan on a weekend trip to New York City. She was in a club with some of her friends and I was there and I started flirting with one of her friends and then I met her and we later realized that we had a father in common and so I came to New York to help her stop his evil plot to take over the world but that obviously didn't work because he came back and tried to send a dark wave against Widow's Vale because Morgan wouldn't join him in his evil plot to take over the world but then all ended well with a ceasefire agreed to over a warm bowl of soup.
(silence)
MRS. ROWLANDS: She was in a club?
KILLIAN: That's really the part of the above story that scares you?
MARY K: So, um, Ciaran, are you still trying to take over the world?
CIARAN: Yes.
MR. ROWLANDS: That's not very christian of you.
CIARAN: (blinks) Um … no, I guess it's not. (sarcastically) Shame on me!
MARY K: That's nice. So, Mike, tell me about yourself.
MIKE: My name is Mike. I am dark. I enjoy the dark. My sisters Lindsey and Kristin are also dark. Together, we enjoy the dark very much. We have a huge mansion in the ghetto of LA which we don't pay much lighting bills on because we enjoy the dark. I was once put in the state mental institution, but I broke out because it wasn't dark enough. Everything was white and light and I didn't like it. They tried to tell me that I was just delusional and crazy, but I knew. I knew. And when they came, I was prepared.
MARY K: When who came?
MIKE: (shifty eyes)
KRISTIN: That's confidential. Top-secret. Government stuff. Sorry.
MARY K: You work for the government?
KRISTIN: We work for our own government.
MARY K: Are you guys really witches? If so, I don't like you.
LINDSEY: Does it look like we're really witches?
MARY K: (examines their pointed black hats and capes) Um, no. I guess not.
MORGAN: (suddenly appears in the fireplace) I'm back!
(pause)
KRISTIN: I guess her plot to take over the world was unsuccessful.
MORGAN: Those pilgrims are party-poopers anyway. So, what's for dinner?
LINDSEY: Turkey?
MORGAN: Yay! Turkey! (turns Mary K into a turkey)
MARY K: Gobble.
MR. / MRS. ROWLANDS: (stare) MORGAN, WHAT DID YOU DO?
MORGAN: I like turkeys.
MIKE: Morgan, you'd better change her back before – (the turkey runs out of the door) Crap.
(they begin a desperate chase around the city for the turkey)
(Morgan, unable to find her anywhere, goes to Hunter's house)
MORGAN: Hunter, Hunter, are you here? (she bangs on the door)
(Sky opens the door)
SKY: Oh, hi, Morgan! Nice of you to drop by. See you later! (she tries to close the door, but Morgan stuffs her foot in it)
MORGAN: Wait, I need to talk to Hunter! Is he here?
SKY: He's, um … he's busy at the moment.
MORGAN: Busy? What's going on here?
(she pushes past Sky to see that the entire coven is having Thanksgiving dinner)
MORGAN: (stunned silence) What? You're all here? Why wasn't I invited?
BREE: Well, the last time we all had Thanksgiving dinner together, you tried to go back in time and take over the world.
MORGAN: I know. I did that this year, too.
ROBBIE: You really don't learn your lesson, do you? Those pilgrims are dangerous!
ALISA: Anyway, we didn't want you to come because we knew you'd do something weird and ruin our Thanksgiving.
MORGAN: (gets angry and turns Alisa into a turkey) Haha! Now you can't insult me!
HUNTER: See? See? That's the kind of thing we thought you would do!
MORGAN: Um … (sighs) Fine. You caught me. But I need your help. I … um … sort of … kind of … accidentally … maybe … turned my sister into a bird. A turkey, more specifically.
SKY: (watches as Alisa gobbles her way out of the door) You mean, now there are two preteen turkeys running around Widow's Vale?
MORGAN: Um, yes.
HUNTER: (sighs) What does this Mary-K-Turkey look like?
MORGAN: Like a turkey. Can you help me find her?
ROBBIE: Um … I think I found her. (their Thanksgiving turkey is wearing an ankle bracelet and is wrapped around a Bible)
SKY: Strange, I didn't notice that when I put it in the oven.
HUNTER: You mean we just … oh, ew.
KRISTIN: I think I have a solution.
HUNTER: What are you doing here?
LINDSEY: We know of a spell that just might help get Mary K back. Unfortunately, it will mean sacrificing Alisa, but that's not much of a loss, is it?
SKY: Let's see … hardcore Catholic girl or potentially powerful Wiccan … (Morgan glares at her) Okay, we'll go with the Catholic girl.
KRISTIN: Good choice. (she and Lindsey do a spell and manage to switch Mary K's spirit into the Alisa turkey and Alisa's spirit into the Mary K turkey)
MARY K'S SPITIT IN ALISA TURKEY: Gobble.
MORGAN: Great! Now can you fix her?
LINDSEY: Hey, that was all the help we could give. You have to figure out a way to get her back to normal.
BREE: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!
MORGAN: Yes, Bree?
BREE: If we get the Mary K turkey to think like Mary K, maybe she'll turn back into Mary K.
HUNTER: How could we do that?
MORGAN: Well, Mary K's favorite activity is shopping.
SKY: (quickly) I volunteer to go to the mall!
BREE: Me, too!
(all of the girls except Morgan volunteer to shop)
HUNTER: Hey, I want to come, too! (receives stares) What? I like shopping! It makes me feel all fuzzy inside! Like Chewbacca! (giggles) Chewwwiiiieee! (roars like Chewbacca)
(all stare at him)
SKY: Fine, you can come, too. Just never do that again.
(they all rush off to the mall)
(upon entering the mall, they ditch Hunter inside the candy emporium)
HUNTER: Hey! Hey, where did you guys go? I can't find – ooh, lollipops!
(the others go to THE Gap)
SKY: This seems like a good place.
BREE: Yes. Yes, yes, yes. (they rush off to shop)
MORGAN: Okay, so … Mary K, do you feel like yourself again?
MARY K: Gobble.
MORGAN: I guess not. Well, if shopping doesn't make you feel like yourself, then what will? (realizes) Oh, no.
BREE: What?
MORGAN: Her second favorite thing … is church.
SKY: Nooo!
BREE: Even more nooo!
MORGAN: I guess we all have to go. We only have one car.
SKY: I've never been to a church before.
MORGAN: You are so lucky. Come on, Mary K, we're going to church. (Mary K Turkey perks up)
MARY K: Gobble!
(they drive to the church)
SKY: I'm afraid to get out of the car.
MARY K: (waddles into the church)
MORGAN: (runs after her)
(Morgan runs into the church to find the priest and nuns eating the Mary K Turkey)
PRIEST: It's a free Thanksgiving turkey! Praise God!
MORGAN: (cries)
BREE: Well, that was mean. You made her cry.
PRIEST: I didn't mean to.
SKY: You ate her sister! Wouldn't you think that would make her cry?
PRIEST: But I –
RAVEN: GET HIM!
BREE: Feel the wrath of the witches!
PRIEST / NUNS: Witches? Aah! (they all run away and the coven gives chase)
PRIEST: Back off! We have crosses!
SKY: It's vampires who don't like crosses. Idiots.
PRIEST: Oh.
NUN: This isn't pleasant. So … much … unpleasantness! Ack!
PRIEST: What's that in the sky?
MORGAN: It's a bird!
SKY: It's a plane!
NUN: No, it's … THE SUPER-PRIESTS SQUAD!
(following a dramatic drum roll, hundreds of priests parachute out of the sky and surround the coven)
MORGAN: Crap.
SUPER-PRIEST: You … (he points to Morgan) WITCH! YOU WILL BURN!
MORGAN: Nooo! I have sensitive skin!
NUN: Then repent and give up your evil ways!
SKY: Never!
MORGAN: Being a witch is too fun!
BREE: I love casting spells!
RAVEN: I love being a lesbian!
PRIEST: (gasps)
(The priests advance as something else comes towards them from the sky)
PRIEST: Is that a moon?
SUPPER-PRIEST: That's no moon … It's a melon.
ALL PRIESTS/ NUNS: THE DEATH MELON!
LINDSEY: DIE!
(she and Kristin rescue the coven from the evil clutches of the Super-Priests Squad from atop THE DEATH MELON)
MORGAN: Boy, thank goodness you guys were there! But … (sniffs) We lost Mary K.
KRISTIN: These things all happen for a reason. It's the circle of life.
LINDSEY: Can we sing the song?
KRISTIN: Sure.
(instrumentals come out of nowhere)
EVERYONE: (sings)
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba Ingonyama nengw' enamabala Ingonyama nengw' enamabala From the day we arrive on the planet It's the circle of life Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se to kwa) (singing very loud) The circle of life
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Siyo Nqoba
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
And blinking, stepped into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle
The circle of life
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Asana)
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se to kwa)
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Asana)
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se to kwa)
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Asana)
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se to kwa)
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se to kwa)
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Asana)
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se to kwa)
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Asana)
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
(even louder) In the circle
The circle of life
MORGAN: That was really weird. But so much fun!
LINDSEY: Can we do it again?
KRISTIN: No. We're almost out of time.
LINDSEY: Oh. Well, I suppose you guys had better get back to your Thanksgiving dinners.
MORGAN: But what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving?
LINDSEY: We just dropped by to annoy you. We have our own Thanksgiving traditions at the mansion.
SKY: Like what?
KRISTIN / LINDSEY: (look at each other and disappear)
RAVEN: It's really weird when they do that.
MORGAN: I wonder what their traditions are. (they see a conveniently placed television)
TV ANNOUNCER: Every muffin in the Western world has disappeared!
MORGAN: Oh.
(she skips off back home)
MORGAN: Mom, Dad, I have a confession. I turned Mary K into a turkey. I didn't mean to, but she was just being so annoying … what with her I'm-not-a-turkeyness. I just thought she'd be so much cooler if she was a turkey. Well, anyway, then I went to Hunter's house and I discovered that he and my coven had eaten her for their Thanksgiving dinner. But then my psycho cousins did a spell to change her soul with that of Alisa, this annoying little person, and Mary K was alive again. We figured we had to get her back to normal, so we took her shopping, but that didn't work, and Bree and Sky maxed out their credit cards anyway, so we decided to go to the church and see if that would make her feel better, but then the priest and the nuns decided to eat her and then the Super-Priest Squad attacked us when we tried to rescue her and it was all just a really big mess after my cousins Lindsey and Kristin appeared in a giant melon and rescued us from the Super-Priest Squad. I'm sorry.
(she realizes that Ciaran and Killian are still there, but no one else is)
KILLIAN: What an interesting dialogue that was.
MORGAN: Where's my family?
(Killian and Ciaran exchange looks)
CIARAN: Now don't be mad …
(he lifts up the tablecloth to reveal that they have turned all of Morgan's family into turkeys)
AUNT RITA: Gobble.
UNCLE FRED: Gobble.
AUNT EILEEN: Gobble.
COUSIN BOB: Gobble.
COUSIN GEORGE: Gobble.
COUSIN MARY: Gobble.
MR. ROWLANDS: Gobble.
MRS. ROWLANDS: Gobble.
MORGAN: … Why would you do something like this? Why?
KILLIAN: They ask too many questions.
MORGAN: You've got that right. I'm going to bed. (mutters) Just one more reason why I hate Thanksgiving.
(Scene: the candy emporium.)
HUNTER: Where is everyone? It's getting dark and I'm afraid of the – ooh, marshmallows!
"Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!"
-- Lando Calrissian