Chapter 10 - The Kinslaying at Hogwarts

Read Baron Von Halfsmufen's Mall Marauders fanfic for more on the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom

In Dumbledore's office.

Lupin: So you see, Dumbledore, this Professor Gandalf is really not doing any teaching.

Faramir: He's totally gotten everything confused. He thinks those students are Hobbits! No Hobbit would ever sit through one of his classes! Seems you can indeed learn all there is to know about their ways in a month, but after a couple million years you can still confuse them with human children.

Lupin: No, i have seen pictures of Hobbits... those students look nothing like Hobbits. Hobbits are small, stunted, and rather ugly little folk.

Faramir: Actually, they are somewhat fair... for little people. I think you are confusing them with dwarves.

Faramir shudders with the memory of the dwarves who invaded Minas Tirith at Gimli's request after the War.

Dumbledore: (under his breath) If i ever meet up with Lord Elrond again, i am going to murder him.

Lupin: Lord who?

Faramir: Lord Elrond. He was the lord of Rivendell back in Middle-earth. It was actually him who got us into all this mess. He was getting sick of Gandalf hanging around him in Valinor so he sent him here, having heard that modern wizards have a school. Actually, Professor Dumbledore, a lot of people who have met Elrond have had the same reaction.

Dumbledore: Well, this settles it. I didnt mind so much when the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom was just used by the Weasleys and the Marauders in their impish mischief, but this is more than i can deal with. I should have taken Minerva's advice to just bring you back, Lupin, in the first place. But then i had to listen to this Elrond's stupid tales about beasts called "balrogs" and "orcs" and childish stuff like that!

Faramir: Um... Professor... those things were a serious threat in Middle-earth. Along with Ringwraiths.

Dumbledore: Not you too? I thought the two of you were the only sane one's left here... barring myself of course.

Faramir: The point, Dumbledore, is that we need to replace Professor Gandalf, soon, and send him back through the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom.

Dumbledore: It's not quite that simple, Master Faramir. It isnt like summoning the Knight Bus.

Faramir: Knight what???

Lupin: How, exactly, do you know that?

Dumbledore: Well... i know because... uh... do you mean about the Knight Bus or the Giant Swirling Vortex of -

Lupin: Yeah, the Vortex.

Dumbledore tries desperately to dodge the question.

Lupin leans back smiling smugly.

Lupin: Go ahead, please, Professor Dumbledore.

Faramir: Not to interrupt, but we need to deal with the matter at hand here. This is worse than dealing with dad and Gandalf.

Lupin and Dumbledore than have a rather immature pouting contest.

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Meanwhile... Gandalf's DADA class sits waiting, as usual, for their most interesting professor.

At long last the elderly wizard bursts into the classroom with Elladan and Elrohir following closely.

Gandalf: Dont let them leave the room! Those things are everywhere out there!

The twins block the door, but mostly from what is without in the halls. The look of fear and terror is plain on their fair elven features.

Elladan: What are they Gandalf?

Elrohir: They all look like Smeagol!

Gandalf: That's exactly what they are, Elrohir, a gathering of corrupted river-folk. They are worse than Uruks or Galadriel.

Elladan: Worse than grandma???

Elrohir steps away from the door, back to a crowd of students who are trying to see what's going on.

Ron: Harry! I dont believe it! They really are everywhere!

Harry: Oh no... Hermione must have freed them...

Gandalf: (aiming his staff) Stand back, everyone! Naur dan hain!

The hall outside the DADA room bursts into flames, screams are heard all over the floor.

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Back into Dumbledore's office.

Faramir hearing the screams jumps up and runs for the door.

Faramir: See what i mean? Now what is the old fool of an Istar doing?

Lupin and Dumbledore follow down the spiral staircase and out to the hallway, filled with magical flames.

Faramir: I thought the power of that ring of his was rendered useless when the One was destroyed?

Lupin and Dumbledore act quickly to deflame the premises. Out from the DADA classroom come Elladan and Elrohir, swords unsheathed, they chase the little smeagols out to the campus.

Peeves floats along behind them, cheering for the elven twins... they so remind him of the Weasley boys. All this commotion and uproar, and here poor Peeves had thought there would be no fun at Hogwarts at all after the twins graduated! It made him wish he'd latched on to Gandalf sooner... but then, Gandalf kind of scared him. More than the Bloody Baron.

Somehow a number of the house elves have gotten their hands on wands and know how to use them. The entire student body and staff have gathered to see this, reminiscent of the palantir incident.

Dumbledore stands on the steps of the school, wondering exactly how he is going to cover this up with the Ministry.

Elladan and Elrohir with Gandalf are facing off against the armed house elves. Gandalf stands as a beacon, deflecting their weak, mortal-elf spells while the twins go to battle against them.

Suddenly, out of nowhere (well, almost nowhere, but in actual fact, out of the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Plot Bunnies, I mean Doom) comes a great host of elven warriors under white banners. Yes, the Vanyar of Valinor have arrived to save the world... again. They are accompanied by Elrond, who remains on the steps with Dumbledore.

After an hour or so of this unprecedented battle of elf against house elf it is all over, Elrond's twin sons having received one of two minor flesh wounds, Gandalf limping back to the castle, and a number of the Vanyar returning with them, looking around now, wondering where they are and why they just fought a bunch of ugly little misshapen beings that look like failed attempts at orcs.

Dumbledore glares at Elrond before completely losing his composure.

Dumbledore: Do you see what you have caused, you idiot elf! How am i ever going to explain this travesty to the Minister of Magic?! Well, i'm not going to Azkaban for it, i can assure you that. Perhaps you can go there, after all, it is ALL your fault, you pointy-eared, purple freak!

Gandalf: Careful, Dumbled-

Dumbledore: Purple isnt even your color!

Gandalf just shakes his head.

Elrond: (menacingly) What did you say?

Gandalf: My friend, Elrond, i think it is time you and i leave this world of theirs. Our work here is done. I think we should return to Valinor, as it seems the Giant Swirling Vor-

Elrond: (clutching his forehead) Maybe you are right, Gandalf. Very well, let us leave. Elladan, Elrohir, Lord Faramir, come along, we must return to Valinor quickly. Well, except you Faramir, you will just go back to being dead.

Faramir simply looks a little nonplussed, this whole new world being worse than having been married to Eowyn.

Ron: He's dead?!

Elrond for the first time actually looks at the students.

Elrond: Of course he is, young Hobbit. He is a mortal man and they do not live very long. He died ages ago, literally. For some strange reason, Eru deigned that he should return to this world with us.

Lupin: The reason isnt strange, you are. If Faramir hadnt come, i couldnt have upheld the rationality all alone.

Ron completely blacks out. Elrond tosses Madame Pomphrey some athelas.

Lupin: Wait, Lord Elrond! Can i not join you in your world?

Elrond beholds him curiously.

Elrond: Well, are you elven, half-elven, istar, or Ringbearer?

Lupin: What is an istar, that's a wizard right? Cause i am a wizard.

Elrond: Well, wizards are certainly welcome. Come along, young Remus. By the way, Dumbledore, i think i can help you replace Gandalf.

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One week later at dinner.

Neville: (to Harry and Ron) Arent you glad that Professor Gandalf took the Giant Swirling Vortex of Doom home again? He was starting to scare me....

Ron: Starting to?

Harry: Imminent doom.

Neville: (looking frightened) What?!

Harry: No, there isnt any imminent doom... i mean it's called the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom.

Neville: (relieved) Oh... right. Did he keep asking you for "pipeweed"?

Harry: No, he just kept asking me if i was related to the Bagginses. I told him i was related to the Dursley's, but he didnt seem to know them. I think pipeweed is tobacco... why would we have that?

Neville: I hope our new professor doesnt smoke anything.

Dumbledore: Attention, please, students and staff. I am pleased to announce that we have been able to find a replacement for our Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

Dumbledore motions to the wizard at the far end of the table who wears robes of many colors.

Dumbledore: May i introduce you all to Professor Saruman....

Finis