*** CONGRATULATIONS ***
You are now the proud owner of an ELROND model (complete with fully-manoeuvrable 'Eyebrows of Doom ©'). Please read the following instructions carefully in order to utilise your unit to his full potential.
INSTALLATION
Your ELROND should arrive fully assembled and powered up. To ease the introductory period, offer him several big books with tiny print and a position near the window to read in. The ELROND is an easier model to deal with, much more so than the GALADRIEL unit, and is perfect for new owners.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATION
Name: Elrond Half-Elven
Type: Noldorin/Sindarin/Silvan/Maia/Mortal
Manufacturers: Starbird Incorporated
Height: 186cm
Weight: Barely
Length: Functional
Colour: Brown
ACCESSORIES
Your ELROND comes with a unique range of accessories that are functional both in the home and the garden:
(a) Vilya, Ring of Air
(b) 'Herbs-and-Spices™' pack
(c) Hair ties
(d) Big scroll of unintelligible scribblings
(e) Jasmine-scented bubble bath
(f) Tweezers (see: Cleaning)
Item (a) will be of immense value to your unit and should not be removed at any cost.
OPERATING PROCEDURES
Being not so sprightly as a PEREGRIN, nor so dashing as a GIMLI, the ELROND has proved less popular than other units. However, it cannot be denied that he does have many other pertinent functions beside the norm:
Healer:
Though quite capable of cleaving the head off any insulting orc or taxman, your ELROND is much more productive as a healer and can treat any ailment from scraped knees to little fatal Wraith wounds with item (b).
Chef:
Using that same item (b), the ELROND unit can whip up a culinary dream for the family meal, a friendly get-together, or a romantic night for you and your spouse (as make-up for all that neglect caused by other units).
Landscaper:
The ELROND is most operative in wide, open spaces, and will gladly spend all of his day out in the back garden. His speciality, however, is in water features; just mention to your ELROND that you might like a small stream and sit back for a Severn-like flood.
Carer:
Your ELROND has had lifetimes of experience in caring for the very young and the very old alike (ask any ARAGORN model). You needn't worry about paying a babysitter if you want to go to the movies; just tell ELROND that the child in question is of special heritage and he will guard it with his life.
Linguist:
As an elf of the Ages, your ELROND has sampled many languages and is very adept at picking up speech patterns. In no time at all, your unit will translate large bodies of text from any language into any other and back again - handy for annoying sadistic teachers and nosy siblings trying to read your journal.
Antiquarian:
Unlike the MIRKWOOD variety of elf units, the ELROND is not obsessed with treasure and precious objects. Nevertheless, he is equally versatile in recognising the value of many things, from broken swords to scruffy Rangers. Remember, not all that glitters is gold.
Fortune-teller:
Unique among all units is the 'Predicting Impending Doom™' programme installed in your ELROND. Now you, too, can know what happened to next door's Fluffy the Cat, and can finally catch the BOROMIR unit rifling through your jewellery box red-handed.
*** Disclaimer *** Starbird Inc. and its associates are not to be held responsible for any predictions made by your ELROND model regarding any deaths and/or destructive events, and the events that may or may not follow a foreboding of the future.
*** Note *** The ELROND unit comes equipped with 'Eyebrows of Doom ©' free of charge to compliment the 'Predicting Impending Doom™' programme (see: Cleaning).
CLEANING
As with all elf models, good hygiene is a necessity when taking care of the ELROND. Item (e) should be used liberally in daily cleaning, and can be reordered when used up. ELROND's hair requires special treatment, including braiding each morning, and brushing every evening as knots will undoubtedly have occurred during the day.
*** Note *** The 'Eyebrows of Doom ©' that come with your ELROND are subject to much use, and need special care. To keep them in prime condition, massage the forehead and temples of the ELROND twice a week, and use the tweezers to keep them shaped. Should you over-pluck, an extra set can be ordered from Starbird Inc.
RECHARGING
The ELROND model is unusual as elf units go, as he has a far greater food intake level. Only the HOBBIT box set can rival the feasts that your ELROND will like to have, and have often. Though this is unnecessary, as elf units can go without for long periods, just think of the fact that you will never have to cook again.
Liquid refuelling can be accomplished using either fresh water or miruvor.
COMPATIBILITY
Your ELROND is an especially patient unit, and is mostly compatible with any models from the FORCES OF GOOD range. Any FORCE OF EVIL should be kept separate to avoid any fatal clashes.
SETTINGS
All ELRONDs arrive in the factory mode of Ultra Grave Royal Half-Elf, but this unit also has Ultra Grave Father Half-Elf and Ultra Grave Ringbearer Half-Elf to add variety. It may take a few weeks of adjustment to recognise the subtle differences between these three settings.
SECURITY
The ELROND model is notoriously difficult to get to leave the house once he is settled. Therefore, security is not much of an issue. Plus, with item (a) at his disposal, only a foolish ORC MINION model or SRDM Field Researcher would dare trouble your ELROND.
FAQ
Q: Why does my ELROND wear dark sunglasses and tell me "We missed you" when I come back from the shops?
A: You have been accidentally issued with an AGENT SMITH unit. If you return him, with your receipt, you will be issued with the correct model. Do so quickly, especially if you own or are considering purchasing a NEO, TRINITY or MORPHEUS model.
Q: Now my ELROND likes to wear thick red lipstick, heavy mascara and eye shadow, and dance in scarlet stilettos. What's going on?
A: You have unfortunately been issued with a rare PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT unit. If you don't want to keep this unit for the monetary value, keep it for the kicks.
Q: I asked my ELROND to look after my ring while I went swimming, but he immediately said "NO!" Did I do something wrong?
A: Your ELROND is programmed not to accept any jewellery, a precaution against the highly likely event that he comes across any staggeringly evil Rings of Power.
Q: My ARAGORN model keeps asking if he can have his toys yet. What does he mean?
A: Your ELROND confiscated certain effects many years ago, and your ARAGORN is merely impatient to have them returned. Advise your ARAGORN to respect the wisdom of his elders, and give him a plastic sword if he becomes moody.
Q: Can I breed from my ELROND?
A: It is possible to breed from your unit by purchasing a CELEBRIAN model and follow the directions in Diagram D. However, as the CELEBRIAN model is not very common, it might be easier to skip this bit and simply buy the SONS OF ELROND and ARWEN sets (sold separately).
TROUBLESHOOTING
Problem: Despite the thick book (see: Installation), your ELROND is still not feeling at home.
Solution: Offer him a huge feast with any and all ELF models you can find.
Problem: Your ELROND is still not comfortable.
Solution: Install a fireplace and employ an ELVISH BARD model (available cheaply from any good retail outlet).
Problem: Your ELROND refuses to let your ARWEN go out with her friends.
Solution: The Overprotective Daddy programme has been activated due to an ARAGORN unit in the near vicinity. This will deactivate with time. Until then, occupy your ARWEN unit with embroidery.
Problem: Your ELROND occasionally spaces out, eyes going glassy and slightly drooling.
Solution: This is normal behaviour when your ELROND is digitally interfacing with a GALADRIEL and/or GANDALF unit.
FINAL NOTE - GUARANTEE
By purchasing an ELROND, you have gained yourself a multi-faceted, deeply loyal, and ultra responsible companion who will seek to fulfil your every whim. In accordance with this, he comes with a 6,342,000 month extended warranty. Full written details on request. Terms and conditions apply.
A/N: Inspired, of course, by Theresa Green's series of User Guides, and their subsequent followers; many thanks to her. Also, kudos to Bryn, who chronicles the experiments conducted by the SRDM.