CHAPTER ONE: Dilatoriness and Luncheons

Thursday 21/6

And so it begins, my plan unfolds...

Shane and Jonks had better play their parts...

And only then willI be satisfied

Fr: Human Resources

Re: Dilatory

Dear Hermione Granger,

This is a notice from the Human Resource division of the London Post. We are hereby informing you that according to your supervisor Carl Bronston, you arrived 48 minutes late to work today, resulting in your 50th tardy exceeding thirty minutes this year, Miss Granger.

We at the London Post do not believe that your tardiness is acceptable and are therefore suggesting you take place in a Staff Assistance program. We understand that your late routine could be a cause of the following:

Drug addiction/overdose

Mental and physical health disorders

Alcohol addiction

Sleep affliction

Libellous brutal consort.

We here at the Human Resources department are only trying to help you Hermione Granger. If your tardiness is of your own lack or organization, we suggest you change your attitude.

Any future tardiness may result in abeyance or suspension.

Sincerely,

Vanessa McGaughn

Human Resource Division

London Post.

From: Gin Weasley

Subject: YOUR LATE…. again

Herm, seriously…I know you hate the column you're writing, but please don't seek revenge by not turning up at work…. Sharmayne's killing me….

I mean, what's that your 30th Tardy or something? I hate those emails…they write your name in them so many times, like they forget whom they're writing to….

Anyway, changing the whole conversation completely, you should STOP DATING MY BROTHER! Sweetie, you could do so much better than him…honestly. He still thinks about his deceased Ex-girlfriend! You SURELY know about her, he never shuts up. 'Carla was this and Carla had that' I'd hex him if I were you…I mean, she was lovely, but you constantly have to live up to her standards with Ron…your kinda like his rebound. SO think about it will ya? For both our sakes.

So, are we having lunch? There's a new Chinese restaurant I want to try out, down near Links Road. Please join me, if I take Sharmayne again, I'm afraid she'll only eat those decorative fired noodles on the plates…

Gin

Fr: Herm Granger

Re: My Dilatory

Okay, okay you got me. I guess my:

Mental and physical health disorders

Libellous brutal consort.

Alcohol addiction

Have cause serious work problems for me, though I still am working on my:

Drug addiction/overdose

Sleep affliction

So please, send me to the Staff Assistance Program straight away! I would prefer a dark, 6'3 rugby player with a nice body. Do you think you can handle that?

Thanks again,

Hermione Granger

'How To' and Page Ten columnist

London Post.

P.S. Anyway, I would just like to ask if you have a thesaurus next to your desk when you write 'Tardy' emails. Because I have noticed: Libellous brutal consort, and would like to know if you know the actual meaning to that: dangerous insensitive partner. If you would like a simpler definition, what are you doing working in a journalist office?

Fr: Herm Granger

Re: YOUR LATE…again (I KNOW)

I'm back!

How could you even suggest I'd be late for such a reason. You know I wouldn't leave you with Sharmanye for any apparent reason...:)

I was late today because I saw your brother cheating on me. And you know me; I had to make a big scene, so I slapped him, and said the usual woman whine, "How could you? Eight months for nothing?" and at about that time, a crowd formed around us. I honestly thought he was getting over Carla, but I guess I was wrong. I think it'll be better this way, dating him was getting on my nerves; he'd never stop talking about Her.

I appreciate your advice Gin, but you my dear should not give advice on love, as your 'Love life' is non-existent. I hope you understand. Also, I would not get advice from a person who is SO food obsessed (Eg: Ginevra Weasley) that they would dump a guy who didn't like spinach and cheese pizza-which limits your choice in men.

I'll save you this time. Chinese sound nice. I'll meet you at the cooler at 12:00.

Herms.

P.S. it was my 50th dilatory- thought you'd like to know.

P.P.S. Have you finished with my book? I want it back Gin!

Fr: Draco Malfoy

Re: IF YOU…

…Ever set me up on another date or luncheon with anyone –whether that be man or woman (preferably woman) - I shall severely hurt you. Now that my threat is done; I have to only wait to accomplish it.

Good day,

D.

FR: Josh

Subject: Good day

Yes, hello to you too. I'm well, thanks for asking. I supposed all went well?

Okay, but mate you have to get out and do more! It's not like you're an unattractive guy, the girls stick to you like leeches!

So, give details. Where'd you go? How was the food? Oh god, I sound like a gossiping schoolgirl!

Ah crap, I have to go and file a report.

J.G

P.S. She's cute though

Fr: Draco

Re: She's cute though

I guess so, only if you like the 5'3, blonde hair, green-eyed look. I'd actually prefer a darker complexion…

Well, we went to the new Chinese restaurant 'Ling Mei' at Links. The food wasn't too bad, although one of the ladies at the table next to us thought it was better than air. I swear she almost had eight plate fulls of food!

She (Amy) was nice and all, but she wasn't my type. She was really picky, had to correct everything and was judgemental- In fact she was everything I used to be-I mean, who cares if someone wears a yellow jumper, a red shirt, jean shorts and thongs with stripy knee high sock. I wouldn't call it fashionable, but please!

The most interesting thing about the whole 'date' was the two girls next to us. They looked so familiar….

Draco

Thank god I took the rest of the day off, that Satay Chicken I had is giving me migraines…

Fr: Josh

Re: "I wouldn't call it fashionable…"

…and don't you know fashionable! You have Rolex, Versace, Ralph Lauren and Georgia amara or whatever. With all that money your family left you, plus your future inheritance from your Aunt…man you could afford anything…AND you're a Lawyer!

Anyway, I wouldn't have minded having a 5'3 blonde…but of course I have Mary so I can't complain…well I could, but she'd find out…

Have you seen the latest case? A man is suing Myers right, but get this…he was trying to steal some electronic device. Anyways, he's suing because the shops security guard broke his arm while he was arresting him…what people do for money, ah well more for us!

Josh

P.S. Marz asked when you'll be visiting us next. She just emailed me she says that Ashley misses her Unci Dwako…but in all honesty, Marz just want to see you, you bludger.

Fr: Draco

Re: Hey

Your husband just emailed me and said that you 'miss me' – how sweet…But you must remember Marz you're a married woman. You should be straight out with your husband and tell him of the feelings you have for me, before we do anything drastic.

Just kidding.

So, long time no see eh? I've been so caught up in work and other…Ahem…projects I haven't had time to do anything!

How's little Ashley doing? Is she ecstatic about having a brother or sister? Ha! Josh is freaking out. He says if it's anything like Ash, he might as well cement his ears.

Oh how I'm looking forward to have kids.

I've threatened Josh, and I suppose it's fair to do so at you. NO MORE dates, engagements, meetings, rendezvous…or whatever you and Josh call them, so it doesn't sound like the actual word. Please, no more. For I shall be remaining unattached, solitary and 'Nigel-d' my whole life- partly because women would rather my money than my dashing good looks.

Tschuss!

P.S. Say to Ash for me. I'll see if I'm free next weekend.

P.P.S. Tell your husband to study the fashion labels, it's Armani. He'll know what I'm talking about.

P.P.P.S. Josh's thinking about blonde dwarf women, watch it, you've got competition

Fr: Carl Bronston

Re: What's you excuse now…?

…. Did your shoe get stuck in the drain again? Oh, wait…your long-lost cousin came to visit didn't they?

Seriously, you should consider a career in book publishing. Some titles:

101 Excuses for being late for work.

What not to do in relationships.

The best way to annoy your work colleagues.

99 ways to aggravate you supervisor

Why Tom dumped Nicole, or was it the other way around?

You have to stop this tardy routine Granger. Human Resources have had enough. Now, I want the latest How To and Page Ten Gossip on my desk PRONTO.

Carl

P.S. Stop teasing Vanessa down at Human Resources, I cant stand her wailing.

Fr: Herm Granger

Subject: Nicole and Tom

Um...hello, Nicole and Tom's Dilemma could last about two pages, and not one column. Anyway I'm working on the Jude Law case, thank you very much.

I am actually considering your proposal for a writing career. It'd be much better than writing Gossip and How To. Carl, when will you put me on Politics and all that stuff you think is boring. I know Aneen is doing a good job with it, but I've been here longer.

I don't want to tell you the reason of my tardiness. You wouldn't understand being a man and all :)

Herm

Fr: Gin Weasley

Re: Spinach and Cheese Pizza

Hey, hey! You leave the pizza alone, what did it do to you? Just because I have an unique taste in Italian foods, does not mean you can use that against me, Missy! Ha, sorry I just in touch with my five-year old side.

Oh, and by the way I would not break up with a guy who didn't like Spinach and cheese Pizza, it would be because he didn't like Beef Chourmein: just to clarify that little misunderstanding.

I'm actually worried about Ron. He really isn't being his silly old self since She died. Fred and George say he should consider therapy. I think it's those two who should go to therapy.

12:00 sounds fine with me. See you then!

Gin.

P.S. Yes I have your book. 'Man with the Missing Eye' nice title for a children's book, although it is a horror story, and what's with that freaky one-eyed man? I couldn't look at him!

Fr: Mary

Re: I shall be remaining unattached, solitary….

You forgot 'Lonesome' it looks like there won't be many trysts with you any time soon.

Anyway, your sarcasm is seriously inadequate at the present time and inappropriate. Honestly Draco, do step it up a notch…and the word 'nigel-d,' puh-lease you're a lawyer, you should have an extensive vocabulary…

Oh god, I sound like you cousin Xavier! I'll just go and bury myself now.

Ashley isn't too bad. She's had the flu for a few days now, but the Teletubbies are keeping her occupied and that's all that matters at the moment. Oh and in case you were wondering, I'm fine. Eight months pregnant, haven't seen my feet in a few weeks- ragging hormones, you'd be very proud of me.

I guess you could come over next weekend, although Josh has invited Daniel over. I don't think you would be able to stand it…but come over anyways; you'd be good entertainment for Ash. Ha!

3 Marz

P.S. "Women would rather my money then my dashing good looks," Where'd the personality quality go!

P.P.S. Lunch didn't go well…again, I assume.

P.P.P.S. Ha! He'd be lucky getting her!

Fr: Draco

Re: Please inform….

…Your wife of the details of my luncheon with Ms. Judge-mental. Thanks.

Also, why in the world are you inviting Daniel over! I thought you couldn't handle the guy.

Draco.

Fr: Josh

Re: The guy…

No I can't handle him! but he is a partner in MGF Law Office, and an old pal of ours from Uni. Actually, that really isn't an excuse. Sorry I can't answer the question, a part of my brain was not functioning at that time. Why don't you come over and give me some support!

Oh man, if I'm not at work on Monday, it's because I have buried myself.

Josh

From: Draco

Re: "Bury myself"

What is it with you two and burring yourselves? Is that your only solution when you've done something stupid? Ah, I guess it's better than changing Ashley's dirty nappy, eh Josh? Or watching a Teletubbies Marathon, right Marz?

I'll see you two suicidal maniacs next weekend.

Draco.

Fr: Mary

Re: Draco

He seriously has some sarcasm issues. He needs a girl fast. What is your cousin Helena status?

Marz.

P.S. Can you pick up some milk and pickles on your way home?

P.P.S. A blonde dwarf? Should you be so lucky!

Fr: Josh

Re: Pickles

You're not going to eat them with mayonnaise again, are you?

Josh

P.S. Helena is occupied; Draco- tell me about it.

Who needs another woman, when I've got you :D

Fr: Herm Granger

Re: Lunch

OMG! How much did you eat? I mean I know you have a HUGE appetite for such a small thing, but….

I fell sorry for the waiter, he was tiring out going back and forth between us and the kitchen; and the cook, well if I were him I'd be freezing my head, I imagine he worked up a sweat!

Did you see that guy next to us? He looked SO familiar and he kept looking our way. Ha, maybe he was checking you out, you should've swept in for the kill: P

Oh well,

Herm

P.S. I think the restaurants food supply has decreased by 80

P.P.S. Um, the guy's the main character in the story, that's why he has one eye. Geez you're a dipstick.

AudiciousGossipMonger: What are you doing! If McGaughn catches us, we'll be dead

RedHeadedWench: Puh-lease, she's too busy trying to get your Ex's ( Michael's) attention

AudiciousGossipMonger: Ha! I wonder if she knows he's small…

RedHeadedWench: HERMIONE! I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

RedHeadedWench: ……

RedHeadedWench: Okay, how small?

AudiciousGossipMonger: Ginny! That's for authorized personnel only

AudiciousGossipMonger: Okay, about 12.5

RedHeadedWench: Inches?

AudiciousGossipMonger: no

RedHeadedWench: WELL anyway, lets get back to the subject at hand.

AudiciousGossipMonger: Yes, lunch.

RedHeadedWench: The waiter's job is to serve the customer, so too bad if they ate a lot

AudiciousGossipMonger: You know that's not what I meant about lunch

RedHeadedWench: Well, there's plenty more food in the world

AudiciousGossipMonger: GINNY. That guy looked so familiar!

RedHeadedWench: I have a large appetite, which I must fulfil to ensure my sanity….

AudiciousGossipMonger: STOP changing the subject! You bought it up.

RedHeadedWench: Fine.

AudiciousGossipMonger: So…

RedHeadedWench: So…

AudiciousGossipMonger:(

RedHeadedWench: who'd you have in mind?

BestLeadingDirector: Yes, whom did you have in mind? actually I don't want to know. We have a Newspaper to run here ladies. Discuss inappropriate matters in your own time. Now log off.

RedHeadedWench: Logged off

AudiciousGossipMonger: Logged off

BestLeadingDirector: Logged off

RedHeadedWenchLogged on

AudiciousGossipMonger: Logged on

RedHeadedWench: "Best Leading Director" my ass

AudiciousGossipMonger: More like D.O.C

RedHeadedWench: Care to elaborate?

AudiciousGossipMonger: Demanding and Overbearing Cow.

RedHeadedWench: Is he really 12.5cm?

AudiciousGossipMonger: Ginny!

REMASTERED

SouredSweetie