Gazing

by Myka

Chapter 18 – 'change'

Pairing: Sirius/Remus

Remus woke with a jolt. The remains of a nightmare still lingering in his memory, except the nightmare had been real. He had really been locked in a room with Sirius when he transformed, and the last thing he remembered was Sirius strong facet slowly morph into fear. What had happened?

"Stay still, Mr. Lupin."

Remus stepped out further from the fog of the nightmare to realize there were people standing by his bedside. Pomfrey and James.

"Where's Sirius? What happened? Is he-" Remus choked at the very thought of it, he quickly glanced around the room and saw just empty beds. The grief was instant and excruciating. "I killed him, didn't I?" He suddenly couldn't breathe. Everything was constricting, the bed, the sheets, the hands trying to calm him.

"He needs a sedative. I'll be back in a minute." Pomfrey walked out of the room, leaving Remus with James.

"He's dead isn't he? I-" Remus couldn't say the word again. Why was he awake, why had he woken up? This was worse than the night he stumbled into the woods outside his house, tricked by a false call only to find the teeth of the monster that did this to him. Worst than the first time his parents put chains around his wrist and locked him in a room sealed with spells so he couldn't get out. Sirius' blood on his hands made him want to die. "I should be put down."

"Hey!" James yelled, and placed both his hands on Remus' shoulders, holding him down. "No, Remus. No." James hands on his shoulders were steady. They reconnected Remus with the world. "Sirius is not dead."

"He's not?" Remus waited for the feeling of relief, but it didn't come. The pain at his chest lingered. He needed to see for himself. He needed to see Sirius walking, talking, smiling. "Then where is he? Why is-"

The doors to the infirmary opened. "Speak of the devil-" James rolled his eyes and stepped aside.

The relief was instant. Remus felt the knot on his chest loosened and he wanted to touch Sirius to make sure he was real. It was a need that made no sense, but Remus cared little for sense right now. He pushed the bed sheets aside, something Pomfrey would never have allowed if she'd been in the room. The floor was cold on his bare feet, and the first step he made was clumsy and weak. James was there to help, but Remus just waved his hand away. He wanted to do this himself. He kept his hands on the bed to keep himself steady, and before he made a fool of himself by falling into a heap on the floor with his unsteady feet Sirius was there offering his body for support. Remus clung to the warmth of Sirius body like he needed air. It made every ache melt away.

"The last thing I want to see is you falling to the floor," Sirius said smoothly. Like nothing had happened. Like Remus hadn't almost killed him the night before. Speaking of which — how had Sirius stopped him? A million questions swam in Remus's mind. Questions that vanished when he looked up and saw Sirius smile. As long as Sirius was smiling, everything was right with the world.

And then he saw it.

The white gauze tightly wrapped around Sirius's right arm.

The anguish came back tenfold. Somehow this was even more horrible. "I hurt you." It wasn't a question. Sirius knew that. Remus couldn't keep the tears in any longer. He wasn't strong enough. The grief and regret poured out of him in cries, because it was too much to articulate in words.

"It's okay—" Sirius tried to sooth him.

"No it isn't! I marked you. I cursed you!"

"Oy! I'll have none of that. You blaming yourself will fix nothing. Only make you feel bad when we should be happy because it could have been worse."

"Like me killing and eating you?"

"For one. That would have really soured my Sunday plans."

"The only thing you ever plan for Sunday is sleeping."

"Exactly."

Remus had to laugh. It was too nonsensical not too, but the horror of their present reality crawled back to his thoughts and soon Remus was on the verge of tears again.

"Why is my patient standing?" Pomfrey's loud yet still somewhat gentle tone eased some of the tension lingering in the air. "And you, Mr. Black. I thought I made it very clear the headmaster wanted to speak with you."

"I did, ma'am." Sirius helped Remus back on the bed.

Remus shook his head. "I'm fine. I don't want to lie down again. I can't be bedridden just because I transform every month." Remus said in front of everyone.

If it surprised Pomfrey to know Remus had shared his secret with classmates her face didn't show it. Sirius helped Remus sit on the chair next to bed instead, so his legs could take a break.

For a while everyone tried to ignore the elephant in the room, but Remus couldn't stop staring at Sirius, specifically the bandage on his arm. "I need to speak with Dumbledore," he announced nonchalantly.

"I already spoke with him," Sirius scratched his nose.

"What did he say? What are you going to do about—" Remus swallowed and pointed at the bandage. "—that. What do I have to do about it? What is my punishment? I need to know."

Sirius opened his mouth then quickly closed it. He leaned against the bed and his entire body language changed. From relaxed to upset. "I wanted to pretend a little longer that everything was going to be ok."

"So you are going to turn?" Remus imagined what happened to him every month happening to Sirius and he didn't like it. "We have to tell my parents. We have to tell your parents."

"Stop." Sirius crossed his arms around his body. "My parents are the last people that need to know about this. They will use this to destroy everything that makes me happy here and your family would pay a price too high. Never. If they discover I was bitten I will lie and say I skipped class and left school grounds. If I turn they will disown me for sure so problem solved. I won't have to deal with them after that."

The room was very quiet after Sirius's outburst. At least there was one possible outcome they knew what to do about. One thing Remus knew what to do about, because even if he knew that —logically — it wasn't his fault. That he hadn't locked himself and Sirius inside a room on purpose. That he had tried everything in his power to control what was happening. Even if he was aware of those things he still couldn't shake the guilt on his shoulders.

It was almost a reprieve of that guilt when Dumbledore finally came into the infirmary. His calm demeanor taking over the room. Finally Remus would get some answers.

"I am sorry," Remus muttered even before Dumbledore spoke a word.

"This is not a light situation indeed. It is rather grave." Remus hunched as if the words pressed against his shoulders. "Yet we need only apologize for things that are under our control."

"Yes, Professor. Someone locked us in."

"Mr. Black has given me the details already and while disciplining the proper parties is a necessity. Right now I can tell your only concern is that bite on Mr. Blacks's arm."

"Yes." Remus didn't hesitate and the guilt that made him hunch over the chair lessen a little.

"I've given him every possible concoction available to try and prevent a transmission of the infection," Poppy cut in. She was holding a tray with at least twelve vials on it. "Now if you'll excuse me I just got a call from the Potions classroom, they are in need of these." She held the tray a little higher then walked out of the infirmary.

"Wait." Remus straightened up on the chair. "So Sirius won't become a werewolf?"

"Is that the only thing you were worried about?" Sirius asked, jumping in the conversation.

"Not the only thing," Remus admitted, thought in reality it had almost been the only thing he was worried about. Punishment he could deal with. Getting expelled would hurt him terribly, but he would get over it with time. Condemning Sirius to his form of life was something he couldn't even grasp.

And the truth was something Remus didn't want.

"Even with all the precautions—" Dumbledore started speaking, but Sirius cut him off.

"I want to tell him," Sirius said for a moment looking older. Deflated. Dumbledore nodded. Remus shook his head because he already knew the words that would come out of Sirius mouth. The answer to the question that had been lingering between them like a dark bubble.

Sirius took a deep breath. "You know. Those medicines they made me take tasted horrible," he tried to joke, but the bubble had already been scratched, "but they can only do so much." Sirius scratched his bandaged arm. "There is still a chance that next full moon I will turn into a werewolf."

The bubble burst and the little string of hope Remus had been holding to broke. Now there was no hope. Only waiting.

Classes ended unceremoniously and soon they found themselves on the train back home. Remus had received no punishment from the incident. Only encouragement from the Pomfrey and Dumbledore because they knew, and reassurance from Sirius and James that everything was going to be fine. Remus only wished he'd stayed so positive.

Pomfrey tried to heal Sirius's wound to the best of her expertise and tried to make it look something other than what it originally was. Even if they differed on what to do. Almost all of them agreed that the truth was something that needed to be altered for Sirius's parents.

Sirius had wanted to go straight to Remus' or James' house after the year ended, but that was something his parents wouldn't immediately allow.

"They already distrust me because I ended in Gryffindor. At most I can convince them to run off to James house in a week, two tops."

Remus was very aware that Sirius hadn't said his house. He also knew why. While Sirius was forming his plan he always included James or Remus's houses as possible places to go to. Then one day he just mentioned James' house. Remus had asked why and Sirius had revealed that he had sent a letter to his parents to 'test the waters' as they say and instead of getting the usual annoyance he got from his parents, what he got was a strongly worded letter saying that Sirius' father was aware that a member of the Lupin family was a werewolf and that there was no way in hell Sirius would be allowed to visit such a family.

"What if they don't let you stay over?" James was sitting across from them on the train. "I'm sure nothing will happen, but you still need to be—" James frowned. "—you know. Locked up." James hated saying the words. Remus flinched at hearing them.

"I'll deal with that if it happens."

It was a grim situation whichever way you looked at it and in reality their options were pretty limited. Dumbledore said he would do whatever he could to convince Sirius's parents to let him stay over at James house during the full moon, and Poppy reassured them she would be there to help. That was the plan and Remus couldn't help feeling left out even if it was done as best they could. He couldn't shake the feeling that he wanted to be with Sirius that night. To reassure him. In case something happened. Or to celebrate. In case nothing happened. It all sounded pretty stupid once Remus thought about it. No matter how he saw it, he wouldn't be able to reassure Sirius or celebrate with him. Because unlike Sirius — who still lingered on the maybe — when the moon struck, Remus could not be there.

"Ugh," Sirius groaned when the train finally pulled into platform 9¾. He was looking out the window. "My mom came to pick us up."

Remus found an expressionless elegant looking woman standing behind all the other parents. "You look like her," Remus said when he couldn't think of anything else. He browsed through the crowd and spotted his cheery parents waiting patiently. They certainly had been happier since Remus had gone to school. Some worry off their shoulders. Remus didn't blame them at all. The train emptied slowly until they were almost the last ones on the train.

"Well," James said standing up. "Time to face the music for almost failing potions. You'll send me post, right Sirius? Let me know when you are staying over I'll prep my parents in the meantime."

"Sure," they shook hands and James left the compartment, but not before popping his head back in for a second and reminding Remus to exchange letters with him as well.

It made Remus a little happier.

"I can see my mom getting grumpy. Better get a move on." Sirius reached out, touched Remus's hand briefly and Remus couldn't stop himself.

"It's ok you know," he burst out. Realizing he'd been keeping the dark thoughts in all this time.

"Ok what?" Sirius tilted his head.

"It's ok if you never want to speak to me again. We only kissed a few times and it's not like—"

"Not like I'm your boyfriend?" Sirius chipped in.

Remus nodded and looked once again back at the crowd of families reuniting. A view that was suddenly blocked when Sirius close the curtain.

"I see," Sirius said, and Remus could tell he was hiding a smile. The back of Sirius's knuckles touched Remus' cheek. "Guess I better make that clear then."

The kiss was softer than the one under the tree. Gentler than the one in the shadow of the wall. Deeper than all the little ones that came before and absolutely more meaningful.

"You want to be my boyfriend, Remus?" Sirius whispered against his lips and Remus only nodded fiercely.

Sirius laughed and kissed Remus again. Footsteps at the end of the car broke them apart and Sirius grabbed his trunk. "I'll expect lots of letters then," he said. "I'll try my hardest to see you over summer."

Remus nodded. Still unable to talk. If he did he would surely say something silly like I love you. Because he didn't know if he did. Was he in love? Remus shrugged. Feeling happy for the first time in days. The guilt finally suppressed by Sirius' kiss.

Hours and days dragged with an interminable slowness. Dumbledore had informed Remus' parents about the incident with Sirius and it was pretty much the only thing they talked about. It was putting Remus into a depression, especially since he hadn't received a single letter from Sirius and only one from James that said Sirius was still with his parents.

Remus wanted more than anything to go to James' house and wait for Sirius, because at least James could exchange letters with Sirius openly. Remus couldn't even do that.

"No." Remus' parents had been very strict about it. "Not until after the full moon." From their point of view, James's family would have enough trouble with one teenager possibly turning into a werewolf. They certainly didn't need two.

So Remus could do nothing but wait and hope for the best.

The first letter arrived three days after Remus had made it back home. James owl, Pedge, had delivered the letter, but it was Sirius' handwriting on the paper.

Remus,

I am still at my parent's house. I'm still trying to convince them to let me visit James' house, but they still say no. It is frustrating. I am not sure what to do about it, but I'll think of something.

My father was not happy when he found out I was hurt. At first I thought I would get away with it, because my mother ignored the bandage around my arm, pretended like it wasn't there. Even after Regulus pointed it out and asked about it on the ride home, she said nothing. She was just waiting for my father to deal with it. He started getting mad and demanding an explanation, because he wasn't happy with the lie I had given him. Lucky for me just in the middle of his tirade the doorbell rang and guess who it was? Professor Dumbledore! I'm not sure how he knows these things, but I'm glad he does, because he saved my neck for sure.

My parents have calmed down a little since then, but they still refuse to let me go to James' house. I hope they do soon.

I miss you.

Sirius.

After that first letter, they kept coming in sporadically. One day there would be no letters, then suddenly there was two. Remus tried to write back as frequently as possible, but sometimes he had no advice to give, and his vocabulary of encouraging words was growing thin. There was an indisputable element of panic, when another day passed and another letter arrived that revealed that Sirius was still at his house with his family. The fact that all their correspondence had to use James as an intermediary made it even slower. Remus could have sworn that Pedge started glaring at him after the first week.

Remus was finishing the latest letter. It was similar to all the others. With phrases like everything will be all right and I will help you, but as he started folding it, Remus had a change of heart and tossed it aside. He got a new parchment and started writing a new letter. This would likely be the last letter Sirius got before the full moon. Time had run out.

Remus didn't have any niceties to say anymore, instead he wrote about what happened to him during his first full moon. How his parents had to seek outside help, not knowing that the man they hired to help Remus go through his first night was not the supporting werewolf handler he seemed, but a man that got a kick at seeing werewolves suffer. How the man had used shackles tainted with silver to tie Remus to the basement floor, and no matter how much Remus cried that it hurt, the man kept reassuring his parents that it was normal.

Remus had suffered through that and still made it, he lived a life many thought of as unlivable, and he was happy he did so because otherwise he may have not been sitting in a classroom at Hogwarts when Sirius stood up and came to talk to him.

Remus didn't think too much before folding the letter, tossing it in an envelope and handing it to the family owl, Seb. As he saw it fly away he felt that instant of double guessing himself, but it was too late. The letter was gone, and Remus could do nothing but go back inside his house and wait for a reply.

Sirius finally got permission from his father to visit James' house the day of the full moon. It had taken everything in his power to act calm and collected during those days even as the deadline grew closer and closer.

The relief of finally being somewhere safe, with people that would help him, made him accept his coming reality. That he was only a few hours away from finding out if his life was about to change.

He was terrified. He had seen Remus shift into a werewolf. How horrible it was. He'd seen the bloody aftermath. So much pain.

The bite on his arm still looked nasty, but it was healing and Pomfrey had said it was a good sign. She had arrived here before Sirius and was even spending the night to help him. Just like James and James' family. So many people there willing to help him. It made Sirius feel a little less scared from his predicament.

The other thing that helped were Remus' letters. They had been one of the few things that helped Sirius keep his panic in check as he waited. He lost count how many letters they had exchanged, but they were all safely tugged away in his trunk in James' room. The last letter though — that one had been hard to read. He had imagined everything Remus had written about and he felt an amount of rage he didn't even know was in him.

It had taken Sirius almost an hour to write a response. He didn't know if it was the right response, or the wrong one. It was just the truth. Taking a glance at the clock, he held the sealed letter between his fingertips and made his way to the owlery.

"Are you really putting shackles on your wrists?" James asked. They were in James' room. Sirius had just given the letter he had written for Remus to Pedge and saw it fly away.

"I have to, Pomfrey said it's too dangerous otherwise."

"But Remus doesn't shackle himself. He just goes to the shack and stays there all night."

Sirius thought about that and he just pictured how Remus was always so hurt in the mornings and how now he knew the reason Remus refused to be shackled. He almost said something about it to James, but he suddenly felt without energy — drained. He didn't feel like answering, didn't feel like doing anything.

Sirius made his way sluggishly down the stairs all the way to the cellar, ignoring James' questions. Pomfrey was standing by the far wall next to James' dad. He had helped set up the temporary restraints. Sirius wanted to stop walking. He had been so stupid to even remotely think that being a werewolf might be cool. It was scary, horrible, and it made him feel less like a human being.

James's dad said something to him, but it just sounded like white noise. Sirius didn't react when James' dad grabbed his wrists gently and put the shackles around them.

"Don't be scared," Pomfrey's voice was comforting. "You have showed no signs of changing, I'm sure everything will be fine."

"If the shackles had silver they would hurt, right?"

Pomfrey gave him a strange look. "Some, but I would never allow something like that, even if it's just to test your reaction."

Sirius sat on the floor, ready to wait. James waved goodbye, then gave him a thumps up before he and his dad left. Pomfrey stayed behind.

"Don't you have to leave?" Sirius asked.

"I'm certain I do not need to." Sirius wished he was as hopeful, but the more seconds that passed, the more he felt the panic rise. "Just a few more minutes." Sirius closed his eyes. "Do you feel any pain?"

"No."

"It's almost over."

Sirius tried counting the seconds in his head, but they just dragged and dragged endlessly. He no longer had a concept of time, just the sound of his heart thumping loudly in his ears. He tried recognizing if anything felt different, but nothing did. He just felt like himself. Worried, terrified, and trapped, but just himself.

"Mr. Black?"

Sirius kept his eyes closed.

"You can open your eyes now."

Sirius did. Pomfrey was smiling.

Remus woke up on his bed, sore from the night before. His full moon nights were always better at home. He and his parents had it down to an almost perfect science. Remus ran down the stairs to an empty first floor. His parents always slept in after a full moon, they took turns watching over Remus and at the crack of dawn they would pick him up, wash him, and take him to his room.

Remus was halfway through the living room, where Seb was resting on its perch, when Pedge flew in from the window, tossing a letter in Remus's hands then resting next to Seb as it glared at Remus and caught its breath.

Remus didn't waste any time opening the letter. Hoping to read good news. That Sirius hadn't transformed, that everything was fine, but all of Remus' hopes were dashed when he saw the date of the letter and only two words scribbled on it.

I'm scared.

Remus felt the urge to cry. Multiple reasons colliding into one. That he wasn't there to help Sirius, that it was his fault Sirius was scared in the first place, but before that sense of despair took him to dark places, there was a knock on the door and Remus ran to open it.

Sirius was standing there. His hair so disheveled it was standing funny in many places. Sweating like he'd just been running, and with the biggest smile Remus had ever seen.

Sirius wasted no time wrapping his arms around Remus.

"I didn't transform. I'm not a werewolf."

His laugh was so contagious Remus could not help but laugh himself even if he felt that tinge of loneliness because he was still the only one that became a monster. Remus pushed the nasty thought aside, it was normal to feel that way, but now was not the time to ponder about that. Now was the time to be happy, there was no room to be sad, even if it was a tiny fraction. Besides, Sirius happiness was infectious.

It was a memorable summer. Remus had always imagined what it would be like to spend a summer with friends. It was more than he expected. More fun if he put it into words, and more meaningful because Sirius was more than just a friend. Sneaking kisses under trees or whenever James got distracted enough. Everything was always more fun when he was with them. To the point where he was actually looking forward for the new school term to begin.

"I'm going to ask Dumbledore if we can all move to the same room." Sirius said casually as they were eating the berries they'd just picked.

"That's a great idea!" James mumbled with a mouth full of berries. It sounded more like Bhata grat iphea.

Remus didn't want to be a downer, but he couldn't help himself. "I thought room assignments where permanent."

"I'll take care of that!" Sirius took another mouthful with his branded arm. He didn't have to wear a bandage anymore. The scar was a soft shade of pink, and would be barely visible once school started.

"Am tak cor toof!" James repeated the enthusiasm, and Remus could see the silent plotting between them. He couldn't help feel a little excited, but that nitpicky side of his brain wouldn't let him feel entirely hopeful. Besides, even if they don't room together they'd still take almost all their classes together, they'd see each other every day. It wouldn't be the end of the world if they didn't sleep in the same room.

Sirius was naming all the pranks they could prepare with extra plotting time. James was talking about making a map of Hogwarts. Remus listened to them as he ate more berries and allowed himself to dream what could be as well.

Remus smiled to himself.

Sirius pushed Remus' trunk to the bed closest to his, grinning the entire time. James was looking for something in his trunk when they heard a knock on the door.

"That must be the new roommate," James closed his trunk and headed for the door. Sirius was still debating where to put the frame with the picture they had taken over the summer. The one with James, Remus and himself, all smiling and dirty from a long day of mischief, when James returned with their new roommate.

Remus had seen this boy before. Once in a ride back from Hogsmeade.

The selfish side of him wished a little that they didn't require a fourth roommate so that he wouldn't have to hide his secret, but who knows. Maybe one day this boy will be their friend too, know his secret, and keep it safe.

Sirius stepped next to him as James helped the new boy settle in. "Short for a 4th year wouldn't you say?" he teased.

"That's what you see because you are freakishly tall."

"Don't blame me. Blame my growth spurt over the summer."

Remus laughed, and Sirius followed. "Guess we better introduce ourselves," Sirius said, brushing his knuckles against the back of Remus's hand with affection.

Remus couldn't help but smile at the thought. He imagined it all. Growing up. Graduating. Moving away from his parent's home and into the city. He and Sirius could get a flat together. Get jobs. Sirius could be anything he wanted to be. Even work for the DMLE. Maybe Remus could teach. They would share their lives, see James get married and have kids. Everyday sharing as much as they could until they grew old and death called to them. Remus saw the visions behind his eyelids, the smile never leaving his lips. Maybe he could have a happy life after all. With friends that understood him. With friends that cared about him. And Sirius.

Remus reached the others. Sirius nodded once at the boy and turned toward Remus, his smile widening. "This is Remus Lupin." Sirius introduced him.

The boy nodded, his hands shaking slightly. He offered one hand and Remus took it. Shook it. The boy finally spoke.

"I'm Peter Pettigrew."

Gazing End.

Authors Notes: This is it. The last fanfiction I will published in the foreseeable future. Thanks everyone who stuck around until the end.

If you want to check out my free original stories visit ashlyndaube - com. More info on my profile.