Yes, it's been a while. I have a million explanations, but you know they're all going to lead me cyber-groveling and begging my devoted readers to take me back and massacre me to pieces with flames and whatnot. Love ya!

I had an outline. My computer blew up. I lost the damned outline and now I'm winging it. I am so sorry.

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Week 13. The first trimester was nearing its much needed end. Inuyasha had somehow come out unscathed, physically, and retained emotional scars that would have sent the most hard hearted of men into sobbing fits that demanded a truckload of tranquilizer and a group hug.

He didn't think it was really Kagome he lived with. It was surely the emblazoned spirit of vengeful motherhood setting up camp in her fragile, child-laden body making her do things no real sugar, spice, everything nice, et al. girly girl would ever dream of doing.

Rummaging through Kagome's personal belongings, hoping to find a self-destruct button, Inuyasha came across some childhood keepsakes and photos that depicted a cheerful, hopeful young girl who previously inhabited the sleep deprived, nauseatingly incontinent serpent woman who drank Pepto Bismol like it was the Elixir of Eternal Youth.

Kagome chasing Souta through the yard of the Higurashi shrine. Kagome's first date. Kagome's first paper mache volcano. Kagome's first paper mache volcanic flood. Kagome's first kitten, Buyo. Kagome's first obese feline with the district's record for mild heart attacks, Buyo. Kagome tying a bow around a stray puppy. Kagome smiling with friends and family during New Year's. Kagome baking for Valentine's Day.

Her smile could have charmed wood, he decided, and it kept him lingering around after her morning vomit sessions to pat her on the back and bask in the grateful glow of her exhausted eyes.

After all, he couldn't blame someone as loving as she was…somewhere behind all the craziness that had defined their meeting and their lives together, he knew love for all living things pushed her into this business of single motherhood.

And now, it was Week Thirteen. Project Mayhem (aka Kagome) was reaching a quiet lull, according to every pregnancy article, website, magazine, and blimp out there. The only thing he was really starting to fear, really starting to fear was that something new would come up and put him in another female situation he would be much less than minimally adequately prepared for.

Perhaps he was being irrational?

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On the other side of town, with irrational fantasies that should have been more justly rational fears, Miroku felt lucky.

Four weeks ago, Sango had risked getting run over by a bus rather than share a sidewalk with him.

Eight days ago, she'd only hidden behind a rather fat man on his way to Howard Johnson's.

Four days ago, she'd nodded solemnly to him.

Three days ago, he groped her and for the next two days it was like four weeks ago.

Yesterday, she smiled at him.

Today, she may only stop talking to him for three or four hours after his scheduled grope so he could get down to the business of asking her out, falling madly in love with her, getting her to fall madly in love with him, create a love nest in Aspen, and spend the rest of their lives together until they die side by side in the Playboy Mansion Halloween Party whereupon they would be buried with full honors care of the Heffner Family and left to decay in the Mother Earth until she exploded as a screaming mass of entropy and left the atoms that made up their very beings mingle together for eternity.

It was his candor, independence, and realistic approach to relationships that kept most women attached to him, he was sure of it. Also, Hugh Heffner would totally let them hang out in his pad after they were married. Things were starting to make sense in Miroku's life, especially after Sango smiled at him. And why shouldn't she? They were going to spend eternity together.

Sango, on the other hand, was wondering if the same stroke of fate that sent Miroku headfirst into her chest also sent her a complete lack of socially acceptable men. She was as dateless as Kagome, but without a crazed urge to reproduce.

Sango did not get to spend a few paragraphs moping around in her head for the answers to life mysteries, her own woman problems, and a Theory of Relativity explanation for the possibility of a person like Miroku existing because today she actually ran into him on the street, was not groped, and was therefore put into a situation where she had to speak to him. Sober, even.

"Miroku."

"Sango, darling, it's been ages."

"I saw you on the street just yesterday."

"I mean ages since—" Miroku gave the dramatic pause ample time so he could position his hand near the tautest part of Sango's rump.

Sango had developed a sixth sense and reflexively decked him.

Miroku sure was feeling lucky.

"So I take it you will join me for lunch?"

"When did that ever enter the conversation, you deranged sex maniac?" Sango's voice was alarmingly loud, and several women in the vicinity had filled their purses with extra weight in case of a lynching. Luckily for Lucky Miroku, he had been in such situations before.

"It was an incredible night for me, Sango, I thought it would be very special for you. I can't believe you left right after…it broke me, I spent days and nights yearning for you, wondering if you'd ever see me as more than just a wanton object of lust." Miroku's eyes glistened with unshed tears and he effectively masked them with Pity Move Sixteen, Lowering the Head.

Sango's eyes widened in fear and she resorted to Desperate Female Fight-Or-Flight Rage,"IT WAS JUST COFFEE, YOU SHITHEAD!"

"MEN AREN'T WARNED ABOUT DATE RAPE!" Miroku wailed. The Biddy Brigade dropped their heavy purses in shock. Surely, surely society had not fallen into such a depth that respectable young women turned to acts of lewd lechery to get their kicks from sweet, love starved virgins such as Miroku? The nerve of that girl!

Sango caved and Miroku was easily able to steer her into a local coffee shop as she was suddenly overcome with mild catatonia and foaming at the mouth.

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"The good news, Inuyasha, is that I will no longer be nauseated by nearly everything I see, so you no longer have to wear that paper bag on your head during down time."

"I don't care. I just need to know the bad news. Now. So I can stake an insurance claim."

"I'm going to get fatter, Inuyasha, the pain is unbearable," Kagome said with a sad smile.

There was silence. Inuyasha's mind was screaming at him, "IT'S A TRAP! THAT'S A TRAP!" followed by mention and cursing of prominent deities.

"Y-y-you're n-n-not f-f-faa—"

"Don't worry, Inuyasha, if the book says I'm going to be fat with an abnormally expanding uterus, I'm going to be a sea cow with a uterus the size of Moscow. It's to be expected." Kagome's smile remained. Inuyasha searched for a weapon.

Concern overcame anxiety, as Inuyasha had learned any prominent mood swings probably indicated some type of disaster.

"You've been getting enough sleep, right?"

"Oh yes."

"Eating right?"

"I'm eating everything."

"Doing deep breathing? Lighting aromatherapy candles? Molesting the pizza boy?"

"Yes, yes, and he's stopped coming. They now leave my orders with the doorman, who wouldn't bend over for all the change in China."

Inuyasha chuckled, despite himself. It was downright Miroku, what she did to men in some of her more hormonal moments.

Kagome wanted to laugh. Suddenly everything felt fine, suddenly the worst of it was over, realization of the existence of her child became the most comforting and natural thought in the world and there was no one she wanted to share that bliss with than Inuyasha.

Wait, what? That must have been a brain typo. He paints stupid faces on rocks and chucks them at each other, laughing wildly to himself.

"I know what will make this day complete," Inuyasha broke Kagome's train of thought, "The Stoner Show."

"I wish you'd stop calling it that! They're just pebbles and you have too much free time! Why don't we just watch a movie instead?"

"Rental?"

"No, the movie rental boy also stopped coming on grounds of sexual harassment."

"Sheesh, Kagome!"

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Kagome had certainly gained girth. It didn't help the average diameter of a Japanese individual was about 8 cm. No kidding. She was sure they were that tiny!

"Why is that #$(!#&$ taking so long with my popcorn?"

"I think this is the first time in his life anyone asked for four helpings of butter layered under three helpings of popcorn in an extra large. Notice the grade school education." Inuyasha said, calmly, pointing at the cro-magnon stoop of the boy's forehead.

"He'll be extinct in a few moments. I need exactly enough time to finish 1/8 of my popcorn during credits. This is inhumane!" Kagome's red face was looking akin to Inuyasha's father, once, many summers ago when Inuyasha had painted the entire living room green to make it look like Giant Vomit.

Inuyasha leaped over the counter, pushed the dunce of a popcorn-maker aside, and viciously began to create a mix of liquid popcorn, salty and buttery enough to calm even the craziest of women.

The craziest of women accepted his sacrifice and they both left a large tip to the stunned boy as they entered the theater.

Or at least, tried to enter the theater.

"Inuyasha, I'm stuck."

All of Inuyasha's training vanished at that moment. "Suck in your gut and get moving, I'm not about to miss the film of the century because of your female incompetence."

Baaaaaad idea.

"Oh, so PREGNANCY is INCOMPETENCE? Is THAT what you think? Let me tell you something, BUDDY—"

Inuyasha paled under the verbal onslaught. Sure, she was screaming at the pitch black hall in front of her and holding up incoming movie patrons. But facts were facts, he wanted to watch a movie with her in uncrazy mode and she was totally stuck in the doorway.

Slicing remarks consisting of "What the hell is this?" and "Is this a joke?" began to accumulate behind Inuyasha and he knew, if he ever wanted to watch a matinee again, he would have to act quickly.

He got behind her and started pushing.

"What the hell is wrong with you? I'm in a delicate condition!"

"If you're not delicate enough to NOT try and kill me for this, then you can take a little force."

"I'll KILL you, I swear to the gods if this gets any more uncomfortable for me, I will see to it that you spend the rest of your days catering to every pregnant female in Tokyo General!"

Several snickers behind him caused Inuyasha to turn around and assess the crowd.

"Who just snickered?"

The crowd fell silent. Inuyasha's demon aura blazed masterfully around his form as he faced the group, murder in his eyes and death in his voice.

"I'm dead serious. Which one of you did this? Does it look like this is a great situation for any of us? I can hear the theme music and she's still stuck in the doorway," Inuyasha's rage gave way to resigned panic, "And she's not moving. She can't suck in her gut, she can't do anything. I can't do anything. Oh man. This is serious. She's stuck in a door. And I'm going to miss my movie. I can't believe how wrong this is going…." Inuyasha's address to the moviegoers changed into a chattering soliloquy in which only Kagome was the listener.

She heard the worry and her thirst for his blood subsided.

'I'll suck it up, for you Inuyasha.' And with those thoughts, she found her voice.

"One of you get back to that MENSA reject of a confectionary counter boy and ask him for a cup of butter."

One idiot piped up, "Lady, if I may say, your husband looks like he's got enough what with you already being stuck in that door. Eating definitely isn't a solution, if I may say so."

"YOU MAY NOT SAY SO! Now, it seems I'm the only person remaining between you and your 7.50 picture so either get the butter or spend the rest of the night kissing my ass!"

It certainly got the crowd moving and within seconds, the men were pouring cold water over Inuyasha and slapping him out of his garbled ramblings and the women were administering warm butter between the edges of Kagome and the edges of the door.

She slipped out beautifully and landed near an empty seat.

"Come on, Inuyasha, it's already introduced all the main characters!"

Inuyasha made no noises. The crowd had already shuffled in and forgotten about the pair.

Kagome waddled over to the door and just as she was about to walk through and wake him, he leaped into consciousness.

"NOT AGAIN, WOMAN!"

Kagome stared blankly at him, slowly registering his consciousness.

Inuyasha carefully sat up, dusted his clothes, marched through the door frame and into Kagome, turned her around, and forcibly wedged her into a chair.

Kagome never really knew what movie they saw, all she could do was stare at Inuyasha, slightly in awe, slightly in fear, as he ate her popcorn and laughed at all the inappropriate parts.