OK, so here's my attempt at parody fanfic. Most of it is Escaflowne and
Star Wars but there is the occasional Ranma Half reference. Don't worry if you haven't
seen Ranma, it's not that important. This is written in script form, it's pretty obvious
what the dialogue is, the narrative is in these brackets [ ] and commentary and other
stuff is in these brackets { }. Not that you wouldn't be able to figure it out on your own,
but I thought I'd come right out and say it.
There are major spoilers for Escaflowne throughout the entire piece, read
at your own risk. Rated a strong PG-13 for language, but nothing I haven't heard
in movies.
Tell me what you think. If you want. And you can tell me it was really
stupid if you so desire. Don't worry.
Disclaimer: I do not own "Star Wars", "Escaflowne" or "Ranma Half". This is
intended for fun and in no way intended for profit. All copyrights belong to their respective owners.
{OK, here we go...}
An undetermined amount of time on a planet kinda adjacent to Earth.....
Last time on Esca Wars:
Allen Schezar-walker had downloaded a video for his current events class
and realized that his friends Van Solo and Hitomi Organa, along with Van's copilot Merle,
had gone to Cloud-Floating-Thing City where Dilandau Vader had captured them. Allen
traveled to Cloud-Floating-Thing City and found Van's ship-melef parked on the third level
of the parking garage. Judging from the large number of parking tickets Allen deduced
that X-caflowne must have been there for quite some time. He parked his Y-Scherazade
on the top layer of the garage and left his droid, Natal, to watch that ship-melef and add
coins to the parking meter when the time ran out.
We rejoin our intrepid, and well groomed, hero as he enters Cloud-Floating-Thing City.
[Allen Schezar-walker is finding his way through the corridors of Cloud-Floating-Thing City,
pauses to wonder why he has such a dumb last name and continues onward. Suddenly
Dilandau Vader steps out of the shadows. {cue music..... I don't know, something appropriate........
You know, Spielberg may have been a part of the original movie, but this isn't Jurassic Park......
OK, now my brain is conjuring up images of little, hopping, bunny rabbits, but, um.......} Allen
and Dilandau exchange appropriate insults, one thing leads to another and after the matter of
person hygiene is brought up, energist-sabers are drawn and the fight begins.
The two are evenly matched until suddenly Dilandau employs his special-secret attack of The
Deadly Spinning Bandana. Allen is taken off guard by this fiendish attack and cannot dodge
in time. The lower part of his hair is caught by The Deadly Spinning Bandana and is sliced
right off!!!! {oh boy}. Dilandau takes advantage of Allen's stunned surprise and disarms him.]
Dilandau: Ha! I have you now, Allen Schezar-walker.
Allen: No! My hair!
Dilandau: Um, yeah. Anyway... I have you now, but before I deal with you,
there is one thing you must know.
Allen: It took me a long time to grow my hair that long and now look what you've
done.
Dilandau: Could we possibly get back to the point?
Allen: Fine. Whatever. [muttering] Dumb fanfic writer, chopping off my hair.
Don't they realize that it's an integral part of my character....?
Dilandau: Obi-wan Balgus never told you what happened to your father.
Allen: [still muttering] Maybe I should sue.......
Dilandau: ALLEN!
Allen: [snapping out of it.] Oh, right. [clears his throat.] He told enough! He told
me that that had met some girl and left his entire family for the express purpose of looking for
her, (which is really perverted when you think about it, I mean his own kids were about eleven
and five and he goes off to the ends of the galaxy looking for some girl who looks like she's
about thirteen,) and this 'quest' brings him to Hoth where Zaibach's Imperial Dragon-Slayers
found him and proceeded to try to get information from him, but he wouldn't talk and this
resulted in this death.
[Pause.]
Dilandau: OK, so he did tell you, but that's not really the point. Allen Schezar-
walker - {cue intensely dramatic music} - I am your sister.
Allen: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!............ Wait, no way.
Dilandau: No, really, I am.
Allen: Yeah, right. This is me we're talking about. I think I know a woman
when I see one.
Dilandau: Why can't you just accept this on faith? You do all the time in the
series.
Allen: Yeah, so? In case you hadn't noticed, this is a fanfic. We're
both severely out of character.
Dilandau: So? That doesn't change the fact that I'm really your sister.
Emperor Dornkirk changed me.
Allen: How?
Dilandau: I'm not entirely sure. Apparently at one point he was considering
using on the of those water based gender-changing curses, but then he realized that
destiny is WAY more permanent.
Allen: And all this time the writer had me thinking that Hitomi was
going to turn out to be my sister.
Dilandau: Hitomi? Why?
Allen: Well, she had the pendant thing that my father carried around....
Dilandau: So? They sell those all over the place. And anyway, Dad
gave his away to the chick he was chasing.
Allen: Oh, for Christsake.
Dilandau: What do you expect?
[They both shrug.]
Both: Fanfic.
Allen: Hang on, if you're my sister and not Hitomi that means she's
available after all.
Dilandau: Wait, what?
Allen: And all this time I haven't done anything because I thought she
was my sister.
Dilandau: Allen.....
Allen: All right! It's time to put on the charm.
[He starts to dig in his pockets for his mirror.]
Dilandau: ........
{Or, alternatively:}
Darth Folken: Obi-wan Balgus never told you what happened to your brother...
Van Skyflyer: Of course he didn't. No one knows exactly what happened. We
can only assume that he was killed fighting an AT&T walker ten years ago. [ very angsty]
Those damn phone companies.
Folken: Oh, right. Well, hang on just a minute.
[He starts to unfasten the tiny hooks on his shirt.]
Van: What are you doing?
Folken: [muttering to himself] Goddamn new uniforms. I told them I wanted
Velcro, but nooooo...
[Folken is still unhooking his shirt. The Jeopardy theme starts playing and Van is
starting to look rather bored. Folken finally finishes and takes off his shirt.]
Van: Oh, God. First bad writing and now fan service too?
[Folken unfurls his wings.]
Van: Wait, you have wings? But that would mean..... um...... {insert sound
of gears grinding}
[A few minutes later.]
Folken: I'm your brother.
Van: You're my brother?!
Folken: Well, duh. I didn't think I was going to have to spell it out for
you this much.
Van: How was I supposed to know? I thought you were dead.
Folken: Oh come on, think about it. Look at the evidence. I have
the exact same name as your brother, I'm the age he would be, I look a lot like
him and I have wings.
Van: Hey, it's not my job to be smart. I'm just supposed to stand
somewhere and look cool.
Folken: No, that's Dilandau's job.
Van: Then stand there and look pretty.
Folken: That's Allen's job.
Van: Then what's my job?
Folken: I'm not sure. I think you may have been originally intended
to be the romantic interest for the main character.
Van: But how can that be? Hitomi and I haven't even hugged yet,
never mind kissed.
Folken: I don't know, but don't hold your breath for the kiss, 'cause
that ain't gonna happen.
[Pause]
Van: My job sucks.
Folken: Yeah. Say, why don't join forces and rule the galaxy together.
Screw this prescribed plot thing. I think we'll be able to get away with it.
Fanfic is always fucked up.
Van: Yeah, let's go.
[They start to walk off together.]
Van: Though you really need to get a new uniform. That was really
boring waiting for you.
Folken: Yeah, but I look so cool the rest of the time. I mean look at
you, you've been wearing a red shirt since you were five years old. No wonder
they didn't pick you to be cool or pretty.
Van: Hey!
{Or even:}
Girl with pinwheel: No, I am your grandmother.
[Hitomi runs forward and throws her arms around the other girl.]
Hitomi: Grandmother!
{Or not.....}
Star Wars but there is the occasional Ranma Half reference. Don't worry if you haven't
seen Ranma, it's not that important. This is written in script form, it's pretty obvious
what the dialogue is, the narrative is in these brackets [ ] and commentary and other
stuff is in these brackets { }. Not that you wouldn't be able to figure it out on your own,
but I thought I'd come right out and say it.
There are major spoilers for Escaflowne throughout the entire piece, read
at your own risk. Rated a strong PG-13 for language, but nothing I haven't heard
in movies.
Tell me what you think. If you want. And you can tell me it was really
stupid if you so desire. Don't worry.
Disclaimer: I do not own "Star Wars", "Escaflowne" or "Ranma Half". This is
intended for fun and in no way intended for profit. All copyrights belong to their respective owners.
{OK, here we go...}
An undetermined amount of time on a planet kinda adjacent to Earth.....
Last time on Esca Wars:
Allen Schezar-walker had downloaded a video for his current events class
and realized that his friends Van Solo and Hitomi Organa, along with Van's copilot Merle,
had gone to Cloud-Floating-Thing City where Dilandau Vader had captured them. Allen
traveled to Cloud-Floating-Thing City and found Van's ship-melef parked on the third level
of the parking garage. Judging from the large number of parking tickets Allen deduced
that X-caflowne must have been there for quite some time. He parked his Y-Scherazade
on the top layer of the garage and left his droid, Natal, to watch that ship-melef and add
coins to the parking meter when the time ran out.
We rejoin our intrepid, and well groomed, hero as he enters Cloud-Floating-Thing City.
[Allen Schezar-walker is finding his way through the corridors of Cloud-Floating-Thing City,
pauses to wonder why he has such a dumb last name and continues onward. Suddenly
Dilandau Vader steps out of the shadows. {cue music..... I don't know, something appropriate........
You know, Spielberg may have been a part of the original movie, but this isn't Jurassic Park......
OK, now my brain is conjuring up images of little, hopping, bunny rabbits, but, um.......} Allen
and Dilandau exchange appropriate insults, one thing leads to another and after the matter of
person hygiene is brought up, energist-sabers are drawn and the fight begins.
The two are evenly matched until suddenly Dilandau employs his special-secret attack of The
Deadly Spinning Bandana. Allen is taken off guard by this fiendish attack and cannot dodge
in time. The lower part of his hair is caught by The Deadly Spinning Bandana and is sliced
right off!!!! {oh boy}. Dilandau takes advantage of Allen's stunned surprise and disarms him.]
Dilandau: Ha! I have you now, Allen Schezar-walker.
Allen: No! My hair!
Dilandau: Um, yeah. Anyway... I have you now, but before I deal with you,
there is one thing you must know.
Allen: It took me a long time to grow my hair that long and now look what you've
done.
Dilandau: Could we possibly get back to the point?
Allen: Fine. Whatever. [muttering] Dumb fanfic writer, chopping off my hair.
Don't they realize that it's an integral part of my character....?
Dilandau: Obi-wan Balgus never told you what happened to your father.
Allen: [still muttering] Maybe I should sue.......
Dilandau: ALLEN!
Allen: [snapping out of it.] Oh, right. [clears his throat.] He told enough! He told
me that that had met some girl and left his entire family for the express purpose of looking for
her, (which is really perverted when you think about it, I mean his own kids were about eleven
and five and he goes off to the ends of the galaxy looking for some girl who looks like she's
about thirteen,) and this 'quest' brings him to Hoth where Zaibach's Imperial Dragon-Slayers
found him and proceeded to try to get information from him, but he wouldn't talk and this
resulted in this death.
[Pause.]
Dilandau: OK, so he did tell you, but that's not really the point. Allen Schezar-
walker - {cue intensely dramatic music} - I am your sister.
Allen: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!............ Wait, no way.
Dilandau: No, really, I am.
Allen: Yeah, right. This is me we're talking about. I think I know a woman
when I see one.
Dilandau: Why can't you just accept this on faith? You do all the time in the
series.
Allen: Yeah, so? In case you hadn't noticed, this is a fanfic. We're
both severely out of character.
Dilandau: So? That doesn't change the fact that I'm really your sister.
Emperor Dornkirk changed me.
Allen: How?
Dilandau: I'm not entirely sure. Apparently at one point he was considering
using on the of those water based gender-changing curses, but then he realized that
destiny is WAY more permanent.
Allen: And all this time the writer had me thinking that Hitomi was
going to turn out to be my sister.
Dilandau: Hitomi? Why?
Allen: Well, she had the pendant thing that my father carried around....
Dilandau: So? They sell those all over the place. And anyway, Dad
gave his away to the chick he was chasing.
Allen: Oh, for Christsake.
Dilandau: What do you expect?
[They both shrug.]
Both: Fanfic.
Allen: Hang on, if you're my sister and not Hitomi that means she's
available after all.
Dilandau: Wait, what?
Allen: And all this time I haven't done anything because I thought she
was my sister.
Dilandau: Allen.....
Allen: All right! It's time to put on the charm.
[He starts to dig in his pockets for his mirror.]
Dilandau: ........
{Or, alternatively:}
Darth Folken: Obi-wan Balgus never told you what happened to your brother...
Van Skyflyer: Of course he didn't. No one knows exactly what happened. We
can only assume that he was killed fighting an AT&T walker ten years ago. [ very angsty]
Those damn phone companies.
Folken: Oh, right. Well, hang on just a minute.
[He starts to unfasten the tiny hooks on his shirt.]
Van: What are you doing?
Folken: [muttering to himself] Goddamn new uniforms. I told them I wanted
Velcro, but nooooo...
[Folken is still unhooking his shirt. The Jeopardy theme starts playing and Van is
starting to look rather bored. Folken finally finishes and takes off his shirt.]
Van: Oh, God. First bad writing and now fan service too?
[Folken unfurls his wings.]
Van: Wait, you have wings? But that would mean..... um...... {insert sound
of gears grinding}
[A few minutes later.]
Folken: I'm your brother.
Van: You're my brother?!
Folken: Well, duh. I didn't think I was going to have to spell it out for
you this much.
Van: How was I supposed to know? I thought you were dead.
Folken: Oh come on, think about it. Look at the evidence. I have
the exact same name as your brother, I'm the age he would be, I look a lot like
him and I have wings.
Van: Hey, it's not my job to be smart. I'm just supposed to stand
somewhere and look cool.
Folken: No, that's Dilandau's job.
Van: Then stand there and look pretty.
Folken: That's Allen's job.
Van: Then what's my job?
Folken: I'm not sure. I think you may have been originally intended
to be the romantic interest for the main character.
Van: But how can that be? Hitomi and I haven't even hugged yet,
never mind kissed.
Folken: I don't know, but don't hold your breath for the kiss, 'cause
that ain't gonna happen.
[Pause]
Van: My job sucks.
Folken: Yeah. Say, why don't join forces and rule the galaxy together.
Screw this prescribed plot thing. I think we'll be able to get away with it.
Fanfic is always fucked up.
Van: Yeah, let's go.
[They start to walk off together.]
Van: Though you really need to get a new uniform. That was really
boring waiting for you.
Folken: Yeah, but I look so cool the rest of the time. I mean look at
you, you've been wearing a red shirt since you were five years old. No wonder
they didn't pick you to be cool or pretty.
Van: Hey!
{Or even:}
Girl with pinwheel: No, I am your grandmother.
[Hitomi runs forward and throws her arms around the other girl.]
Hitomi: Grandmother!
{Or not.....}