Disclaimer: I have nothing to do with the WB.
A/N: this was kind of hard to write so please read and review!!! Mild cursing.......
I woke up, the next morning, with a really bad headache. Sleeping by the window was Jess. I smiled sadly. For all the crap he had put me through, he really helped me last night. I sit up in bed and watch the rain falling outside. A rumble of thunder wakes Jess up. He shakes himself straight then looks around the room. I think he had forgotten where he was. When his eyes fall upon me, the translucent sheet of water coats his eyes, and it's almost as if he was going to cry......
He gets off of the chair and walks over to me.
Sitting on the bed, he asks, "Are you"-
I cut him off with a nod.
"So does your"-
"No..... My mom doesn't know. Just you......" I say.
I couldn't even look at him.
"And how- I mean I know HOW, j-just who?" Jess softly said.
I took in a deep breath and replied with, "I..... I don't know......" And again with the tears!
The look on his face was a mixture of different kinds of sadness.
"I-a...... I was raped......"
Just actually saying it made the entire situation look like shit!- complete shit!
It's like you never think- you never, in your wildest dreams, think that it could happen to you. But when it does, you can actually see your whole world falling apart. Everything you had reason to smile about was no longer good enough.
"So you're"-
"Yes," I said interrupting him, "I'm pregnant......"
I'm falling apart.
I look at my hands, then at my stomach. There's something growing inside of me. This thing inside of me is mine.
This is mine.......
My hands rest above my undeveloped stomach and I cry. I look back up at him and ask, "What now? How do I tell my mom? What about Luke? Or my grandparents?! The whole fricken' town??"
ROUND 1- winner: hysteria.
Jess looked as though he were at a loss of words. The sun casts its rays through my kitchen window and I touch it; thinking I could hold it.
I look back at my stomach and softly say, "This is mine......"
Suddenly, he reaches for my hand.
Surprisingly I let him take hold of it.
It was like an unspoken kind of agreement, bound by the forces of silence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stare at my house and slightly hesitate.
It's now or never......
"I'll be right here......." He reminds me. I nod and walk up the steps.
I open the door and shout, "Mom!"
"Rory? Are you feeling better?"
"Yeah, mom can I talk to you?"
"Yeah sure hon, what's up?" my mom said, entering the living room from the kitchen.
"Sit......" my mom obliged and looked worriedly at me.
"Mom," I said, starting to cry. She stood up and pulled me into an embrace. I started to cry even more.
"What honey? You can tell me........"
"Mom I'm pregnant," I said, just blurting it out.
"What?" she asked pulling back to look at me.
"I'm so sorry! I was coming home from work and it was really late........ I saw this- this shadow and it grabbed me, mom I'm so sorry!!"
"No, honey, it's okay...... shhh, shhhh....."
"Mom I'm pregnant, what am I going to do?"
"We'll think of something........"
"(Sniff) mom? I-a...... have some other news...... Um, Jess is back......"
She stood there just blankly so I continued.
"I was going for a walk at night because I needed to clear my mind and it started to rain. I didn't care and continued to walk. I started throwing up over and over and over and then I saw him come out of a taxi. (Sniff) he ran over to me and he asked if I was okay. I yelled at him and continued to heave out crap......... (Sniff) he took me home mom! He listened to me and he was just so understanding..... When I woke up this morning I saw him sleeping at the chair by the window. He looked so jaded!.... and- and"-
"Shh, it's okay honey, take it easy........." my mom said as she held me closer.
She soon let go and I took in a breath.
"He's outside now," I quietly said.
She nodded and walked to the door.
I just lay on the couch and rested my eyes. It turns out I fell asleep.
(Out of Rory's perspective)
Lorelai opens the door to find Jess sitting on the steps looking at his hands.
He turns around to find himself face to face with Lorelai.
She smiles as she hugs him. He's shocked at first and doesn't have time to react.
"Thank you," Lorelai sincerely said.
Jess shook his head and replied with, "I care too much for her to see her fall apart......."
She half smiled and asked him to come inside.
He nodded and followed Lorelai in.
They both walked into the living room to see Rory sleeping.
Lorelai shook her head and said, "God, I can't believe this is happening......."
Jess just stood there.
Lorelai let Rory sleep there and nodded for Jess to come into the kitchen.
She poured herself a cup of coffee and said, "Anything to drink?"
"Um, water?"
She nodded and grabbed him a bottle from the refrigerator.
There was a moment of silence as she joined him at the table. They both sat there quietly thinking.
"Jess, if you're gonna stay, promise me you wont break her heart........."
He nodded and said, "I promise..... I don't want to, she's everything I never knew I'd wanted, and so much more."
They both sat there in a silence that was so piercing it awoke the questions in their minds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 weeks later
No one had said that this was going to be easy, I guess I should be grateful for the fact that I'm not exactly doing this alone.
I wish I were young again.
Younger at least.
Things were never this difficult and the only thing that you loved most was your family and maybe that special someone.
The only thing that kept you alive were their smiles and their comforting words.
I guess it's the same now; only it's coming from a different place- their smiles and comforting words, to say the least.
It's been kind of quiet at my house, but every now and then my mom would stop in and show me my baby pictures and cry. I'd always have a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream ready.
Jess would also stop by, bring me decaf coffee. I smile just thinking about that.
He's been coming by at least once or twice everyday.
It's not even his kid and he's so devoted.
I will never find another guy like him.
I don't think I'd want to.
I want him as close to me as possible.
He's my everything, next to the baby I mean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next day
"Hey Jess," I say opening the door.
He smiles and hands me a cup of decaffeinated coffee and I smile, grateful for his minute contributions.
From his back pocket he hands me a book.
Not just any book, but Howl.
"I already have this," I say.
He shakes his head and says, "No you don't."
I smile wearily and take it from him. I open it and say, "Jess you stole this," and he smiles.
"I didn't *steal* it, I simply borrowed it with out your knowing so........"
"You stole it," I said.
He smiled and said, "Well I'm returning it now......."
"Because you feel guilty that you stole it!"
He shakes his head and walks into my living room. I can tell he's really tired by the way he plops himself on the couch.
I sit next to him and sigh.
He looks over to me and half smiles. His smiles melt my heart and make *me* smile. He takes hold of my hand and says, "You'll get through this, I promise......."
I lean onto him and rest my head against his shoulder. He kisses the top of my head and hugs me to his side.
(Out of Rory's perspective)
Soon both Rory and Jess fell asleep.
They didn't wake up until the next day.
Rory shot up from her place feeling the hold around her tighten.
She sighed as she saw that it was just Jess. She smiled and hugged him.
From her hug, he woke up and kissed her forehead.
"Feed me!" she screeched.
Jess rolled his eyes as he pulled Rory up and to the kitchen.
"Okay, what do you have?"
She looked away, ashamed and said, "Nothing........"
"Well how am I supposed to make you anything when you have nothing?"
"Use your magic powers?"
He shook his head and said, "Go change and I'll meet you back here in a few minutes......."
"Ooo, where are we going?" Rory asked, getting all jumpy.
"Just Luke's," he said.
"Luke's?"
"Yes, you've heard of it before. You know the place you went everyday of your life to get food.........."
"Not everyday...... never mind........"
Jess chuckled and said, "I'll be back."
She nodded and ran to her room to change.
Jess came back a few minutes later, like he said, and took Rory to Luke's.
There was no one there but Kirk.
Jess went around the counter and said, "So what'll ya have?"
"Hm, coffee"-
"Decaf," he said interrupting her.
"Decaf," she repeated in a dull voice. "And some...... ya know what, I have a craving for strawberry yogurt..... Do you have any?" Rory asked, batting her eyelashes.
He nodded and said, "Yeah, we might, that all?"
She sighed and said, "Sadly yes, I don't think this baby of mine is gonna be a heavy eater as her mother and grandmother are......."
"And thank God for that!"
Rory rolled her eyes and Jess went to the back to see if he had any yogurt.
He soon came back out and handed it to her.
She took it and yawned.
They sat there the entire day just talking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1 week later
I have been able to eat nothing BUT yogurt.
Anything else and I'll barf it back out.
It's insane!
On certain days the baby will let me have coffee.
I still haven't found a job yet and I'm starting to freak out!
I can't go for any interviews because I'd have to leave for maternity after the birth of the baby.
I don't know what to do!!
I can't rely on Jess, Luke's and my mother's support for the time that this baby is still in me! I have to start earning money!
But what can I do?
Sit here and wait.
I sigh as I look out the window.
I seem to be doing that a lot lately.
I suppose it's because that's all I feel I can do......
Stinkin' yogurt!
I'm tired of yogurt!
God this is pathetic!
I'm arguing with myself about yogurt! Hell, I'm talking to myself!
I gotta get out of here!!
I grab my coat and run out the door.
I walk to the bridge to think, yet again.
I wish Jess were here.
As if on cue, Jess walks down the bridge only he isn't alone......
He takes a drag of his old 'friend' and curses its very being- so I would imagine......
He stops abruptly and looks up to see me staring at him.
"I thought you quit," I tell him as he seats himself next to me.
He nodded while he pointed to the cigarette, "He's only for certain 'occasions', so to speak......."
Oh good God! He's drunk I can smell it from his lips!
He takes another puff of the 'death on a stick' and looks out into the darkness.
"Jess, why are you smoking?" I ask him, curious of his answer.
Still looking into the vast darkness, he responds with, "I dunno."
He doesn't know?!
For crying out loud!
"Jess why are you drunk?"
He smiles and it's because of this that he's starting to freak me out!
"I dunno," he says.
"You don't know?! Jesus Jess what's wrong with you??"
His smile is slapped off his face and becomes putty in his hands.
"Nothin'," he says, playin it cool.
Cool, my ass!
"C'mon Jess, you know I'm here for you!"
He takes another drag, and blows the smoke out carelessly.
I cough and stand up.
"I can't be near you if you're going to smoke that," I tell him.
"Well you shouldn't be near me at all! I'm no good for you! Why do you keep taking me back?!"
"Because I love you, you jack ass! Why is that so hard to comprehend?!"
"Because you're Rory!"
"I know who the hell I am! What I'm asking is why is it so hard for you to accept the fact that I love you?!"
"You know as well as I do, Rory," he said, his voice falling deeper and deeper.
"No, I don't, why don't you enlighten me! Hmm?"
He crossly shakes his head. Thinking that by shaking it, I would magically disappear.
Wrong!
"Jess, please talk to me!"
"Rory, I don't deserve you! I know it, you know it, and everyone in this godforsaken town knows it! So just fess up and tell me how big of a screw up I am!"
"Okay, Jess you're a goddamn screw up! You never confess to any of your feelings and worse, you keep it all inside! You were a jerk for leaving me and a jerk for just showing up! But you helped me through this friggin nightmare and just when I think- just when I suspect that things could go back to normal, you screw yourself and ME, over again! What is wrong with you?! It's like you're begging for me to point out your every flaw! The thing is is, I'm not looking at your fucking flaws! I'm looking at you! Jess, I want you!! I don't care what everyone else thinks, it's nice to have their approval, but I don't need it to feel the way I do about you!"
Wow, that was a woozy one!
I take in several deep breaths, waiting for his response.
He sits there and puts the cigarette butt out.
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.
Seeing as he's not gonna do anything, I walk away.
I walk away from everything I had high hopes for.
Everything I had worked and earned and prayed to keep, gone- just like that.
So much for smiles and comforting words!
~Review time!! This was kind of hard to write, but please tell me what you think!! It truly means a lot to me!~
A/N: this was kind of hard to write so please read and review!!! Mild cursing.......
I woke up, the next morning, with a really bad headache. Sleeping by the window was Jess. I smiled sadly. For all the crap he had put me through, he really helped me last night. I sit up in bed and watch the rain falling outside. A rumble of thunder wakes Jess up. He shakes himself straight then looks around the room. I think he had forgotten where he was. When his eyes fall upon me, the translucent sheet of water coats his eyes, and it's almost as if he was going to cry......
He gets off of the chair and walks over to me.
Sitting on the bed, he asks, "Are you"-
I cut him off with a nod.
"So does your"-
"No..... My mom doesn't know. Just you......" I say.
I couldn't even look at him.
"And how- I mean I know HOW, j-just who?" Jess softly said.
I took in a deep breath and replied with, "I..... I don't know......" And again with the tears!
The look on his face was a mixture of different kinds of sadness.
"I-a...... I was raped......"
Just actually saying it made the entire situation look like shit!- complete shit!
It's like you never think- you never, in your wildest dreams, think that it could happen to you. But when it does, you can actually see your whole world falling apart. Everything you had reason to smile about was no longer good enough.
"So you're"-
"Yes," I said interrupting him, "I'm pregnant......"
I'm falling apart.
I look at my hands, then at my stomach. There's something growing inside of me. This thing inside of me is mine.
This is mine.......
My hands rest above my undeveloped stomach and I cry. I look back up at him and ask, "What now? How do I tell my mom? What about Luke? Or my grandparents?! The whole fricken' town??"
ROUND 1- winner: hysteria.
Jess looked as though he were at a loss of words. The sun casts its rays through my kitchen window and I touch it; thinking I could hold it.
I look back at my stomach and softly say, "This is mine......"
Suddenly, he reaches for my hand.
Surprisingly I let him take hold of it.
It was like an unspoken kind of agreement, bound by the forces of silence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stare at my house and slightly hesitate.
It's now or never......
"I'll be right here......." He reminds me. I nod and walk up the steps.
I open the door and shout, "Mom!"
"Rory? Are you feeling better?"
"Yeah, mom can I talk to you?"
"Yeah sure hon, what's up?" my mom said, entering the living room from the kitchen.
"Sit......" my mom obliged and looked worriedly at me.
"Mom," I said, starting to cry. She stood up and pulled me into an embrace. I started to cry even more.
"What honey? You can tell me........"
"Mom I'm pregnant," I said, just blurting it out.
"What?" she asked pulling back to look at me.
"I'm so sorry! I was coming home from work and it was really late........ I saw this- this shadow and it grabbed me, mom I'm so sorry!!"
"No, honey, it's okay...... shhh, shhhh....."
"Mom I'm pregnant, what am I going to do?"
"We'll think of something........"
"(Sniff) mom? I-a...... have some other news...... Um, Jess is back......"
She stood there just blankly so I continued.
"I was going for a walk at night because I needed to clear my mind and it started to rain. I didn't care and continued to walk. I started throwing up over and over and over and then I saw him come out of a taxi. (Sniff) he ran over to me and he asked if I was okay. I yelled at him and continued to heave out crap......... (Sniff) he took me home mom! He listened to me and he was just so understanding..... When I woke up this morning I saw him sleeping at the chair by the window. He looked so jaded!.... and- and"-
"Shh, it's okay honey, take it easy........." my mom said as she held me closer.
She soon let go and I took in a breath.
"He's outside now," I quietly said.
She nodded and walked to the door.
I just lay on the couch and rested my eyes. It turns out I fell asleep.
(Out of Rory's perspective)
Lorelai opens the door to find Jess sitting on the steps looking at his hands.
He turns around to find himself face to face with Lorelai.
She smiles as she hugs him. He's shocked at first and doesn't have time to react.
"Thank you," Lorelai sincerely said.
Jess shook his head and replied with, "I care too much for her to see her fall apart......."
She half smiled and asked him to come inside.
He nodded and followed Lorelai in.
They both walked into the living room to see Rory sleeping.
Lorelai shook her head and said, "God, I can't believe this is happening......."
Jess just stood there.
Lorelai let Rory sleep there and nodded for Jess to come into the kitchen.
She poured herself a cup of coffee and said, "Anything to drink?"
"Um, water?"
She nodded and grabbed him a bottle from the refrigerator.
There was a moment of silence as she joined him at the table. They both sat there quietly thinking.
"Jess, if you're gonna stay, promise me you wont break her heart........."
He nodded and said, "I promise..... I don't want to, she's everything I never knew I'd wanted, and so much more."
They both sat there in a silence that was so piercing it awoke the questions in their minds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 weeks later
No one had said that this was going to be easy, I guess I should be grateful for the fact that I'm not exactly doing this alone.
I wish I were young again.
Younger at least.
Things were never this difficult and the only thing that you loved most was your family and maybe that special someone.
The only thing that kept you alive were their smiles and their comforting words.
I guess it's the same now; only it's coming from a different place- their smiles and comforting words, to say the least.
It's been kind of quiet at my house, but every now and then my mom would stop in and show me my baby pictures and cry. I'd always have a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream ready.
Jess would also stop by, bring me decaf coffee. I smile just thinking about that.
He's been coming by at least once or twice everyday.
It's not even his kid and he's so devoted.
I will never find another guy like him.
I don't think I'd want to.
I want him as close to me as possible.
He's my everything, next to the baby I mean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next day
"Hey Jess," I say opening the door.
He smiles and hands me a cup of decaffeinated coffee and I smile, grateful for his minute contributions.
From his back pocket he hands me a book.
Not just any book, but Howl.
"I already have this," I say.
He shakes his head and says, "No you don't."
I smile wearily and take it from him. I open it and say, "Jess you stole this," and he smiles.
"I didn't *steal* it, I simply borrowed it with out your knowing so........"
"You stole it," I said.
He smiled and said, "Well I'm returning it now......."
"Because you feel guilty that you stole it!"
He shakes his head and walks into my living room. I can tell he's really tired by the way he plops himself on the couch.
I sit next to him and sigh.
He looks over to me and half smiles. His smiles melt my heart and make *me* smile. He takes hold of my hand and says, "You'll get through this, I promise......."
I lean onto him and rest my head against his shoulder. He kisses the top of my head and hugs me to his side.
(Out of Rory's perspective)
Soon both Rory and Jess fell asleep.
They didn't wake up until the next day.
Rory shot up from her place feeling the hold around her tighten.
She sighed as she saw that it was just Jess. She smiled and hugged him.
From her hug, he woke up and kissed her forehead.
"Feed me!" she screeched.
Jess rolled his eyes as he pulled Rory up and to the kitchen.
"Okay, what do you have?"
She looked away, ashamed and said, "Nothing........"
"Well how am I supposed to make you anything when you have nothing?"
"Use your magic powers?"
He shook his head and said, "Go change and I'll meet you back here in a few minutes......."
"Ooo, where are we going?" Rory asked, getting all jumpy.
"Just Luke's," he said.
"Luke's?"
"Yes, you've heard of it before. You know the place you went everyday of your life to get food.........."
"Not everyday...... never mind........"
Jess chuckled and said, "I'll be back."
She nodded and ran to her room to change.
Jess came back a few minutes later, like he said, and took Rory to Luke's.
There was no one there but Kirk.
Jess went around the counter and said, "So what'll ya have?"
"Hm, coffee"-
"Decaf," he said interrupting her.
"Decaf," she repeated in a dull voice. "And some...... ya know what, I have a craving for strawberry yogurt..... Do you have any?" Rory asked, batting her eyelashes.
He nodded and said, "Yeah, we might, that all?"
She sighed and said, "Sadly yes, I don't think this baby of mine is gonna be a heavy eater as her mother and grandmother are......."
"And thank God for that!"
Rory rolled her eyes and Jess went to the back to see if he had any yogurt.
He soon came back out and handed it to her.
She took it and yawned.
They sat there the entire day just talking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1 week later
I have been able to eat nothing BUT yogurt.
Anything else and I'll barf it back out.
It's insane!
On certain days the baby will let me have coffee.
I still haven't found a job yet and I'm starting to freak out!
I can't go for any interviews because I'd have to leave for maternity after the birth of the baby.
I don't know what to do!!
I can't rely on Jess, Luke's and my mother's support for the time that this baby is still in me! I have to start earning money!
But what can I do?
Sit here and wait.
I sigh as I look out the window.
I seem to be doing that a lot lately.
I suppose it's because that's all I feel I can do......
Stinkin' yogurt!
I'm tired of yogurt!
God this is pathetic!
I'm arguing with myself about yogurt! Hell, I'm talking to myself!
I gotta get out of here!!
I grab my coat and run out the door.
I walk to the bridge to think, yet again.
I wish Jess were here.
As if on cue, Jess walks down the bridge only he isn't alone......
He takes a drag of his old 'friend' and curses its very being- so I would imagine......
He stops abruptly and looks up to see me staring at him.
"I thought you quit," I tell him as he seats himself next to me.
He nodded while he pointed to the cigarette, "He's only for certain 'occasions', so to speak......."
Oh good God! He's drunk I can smell it from his lips!
He takes another puff of the 'death on a stick' and looks out into the darkness.
"Jess, why are you smoking?" I ask him, curious of his answer.
Still looking into the vast darkness, he responds with, "I dunno."
He doesn't know?!
For crying out loud!
"Jess why are you drunk?"
He smiles and it's because of this that he's starting to freak me out!
"I dunno," he says.
"You don't know?! Jesus Jess what's wrong with you??"
His smile is slapped off his face and becomes putty in his hands.
"Nothin'," he says, playin it cool.
Cool, my ass!
"C'mon Jess, you know I'm here for you!"
He takes another drag, and blows the smoke out carelessly.
I cough and stand up.
"I can't be near you if you're going to smoke that," I tell him.
"Well you shouldn't be near me at all! I'm no good for you! Why do you keep taking me back?!"
"Because I love you, you jack ass! Why is that so hard to comprehend?!"
"Because you're Rory!"
"I know who the hell I am! What I'm asking is why is it so hard for you to accept the fact that I love you?!"
"You know as well as I do, Rory," he said, his voice falling deeper and deeper.
"No, I don't, why don't you enlighten me! Hmm?"
He crossly shakes his head. Thinking that by shaking it, I would magically disappear.
Wrong!
"Jess, please talk to me!"
"Rory, I don't deserve you! I know it, you know it, and everyone in this godforsaken town knows it! So just fess up and tell me how big of a screw up I am!"
"Okay, Jess you're a goddamn screw up! You never confess to any of your feelings and worse, you keep it all inside! You were a jerk for leaving me and a jerk for just showing up! But you helped me through this friggin nightmare and just when I think- just when I suspect that things could go back to normal, you screw yourself and ME, over again! What is wrong with you?! It's like you're begging for me to point out your every flaw! The thing is is, I'm not looking at your fucking flaws! I'm looking at you! Jess, I want you!! I don't care what everyone else thinks, it's nice to have their approval, but I don't need it to feel the way I do about you!"
Wow, that was a woozy one!
I take in several deep breaths, waiting for his response.
He sits there and puts the cigarette butt out.
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.
Seeing as he's not gonna do anything, I walk away.
I walk away from everything I had high hopes for.
Everything I had worked and earned and prayed to keep, gone- just like that.
So much for smiles and comforting words!
~Review time!! This was kind of hard to write, but please tell me what you think!! It truly means a lot to me!~