Watashi-no Yôkai
My Demons
"What consumes your mind controls your life"—Creed
Never were truer words spoken in my life. Ever since the sixth grade, I've struggled with my thoughts. Obsession, it seems, eats my brain alive. Back then, it was fantasy books. In eighth grade it was boy bands. Now, it's Evo, or X-men Evolution. Obsession is the demon that chases me day and night.
I want out.
Maybe it's nothing to you. After all, not everyone has an out of control imagination. Not everyone is like me in that their thoughts run away with their soul. Not everyone has the same religious upbringing that I do.
You don't really know what I'm talking about because you don't know me. Sure, there are some who are familiar with my stories, maybe even a few of you know me personally. But I can guarantee that not one of you KNOWS me. There's only one being in all of existence that truly knows me, and I know for sure it's not me. Maybe you've heard of him. . . his name is Jesus Christ.
So you're wondering why I'm telling you all of this, neh? It's because I don't want anyone to experience what I have in coming to terms with my personal demon. This is not a fanfic, this isn't gonna make you laugh out loud like my other works. This is meant to make you think. Think about life, about your own demons, and what everything means. This is the REAL Kitsune Ryune, and this is my position on life.
When it comes to faith, the face that I've tended to put on my faith is Kurt Wagner's. To me, Kurt is everything that I am: goofy, cavalier, willing to take/make a joke, and beneath it all, carrying enough heartache to crack even the worst cynic. I cheered with joy when he told Storm in X2 that faith can help you survive. In the prologue comics to X2, he tells off a guard that God isn't racist or bigoted, and that God loves everyone, regardless of looks, background or past mistakes. Originally, this was gonna be a story about Kurt's faith and the struggles that he faces, but the events of last night changed everything.
My parents know that I struggle with obsession. They know the signs of when it's getting out of hand again. And I was heading in that direction. They, once again, confronted me, letting me know that I was only hurting myself with the deceit and lies I was using to indulge my obsession. Inside, I knew what I was doing was wrong, so this is my way of coming to terms with the demons that have been after my heart for almost a year.
Guys, I know some of you don't believe in Jesus as the Messiah. But he really is. Every time I pray, I know that he's listening, because he answers. Sometimes I don't like the answer, but it's a response just the same. If you're not a Christian, I have a question: do you ever feel like the things you do in life just can't fill the void? That's what my obsession is like. I try and try to force-feed myself Evo, plunging deeper and deeper, yet I feel even more empty every time I try.
That void is where Jesus belongs. And I know that. I just don't wanna accept the truth and face the facts. Even so, I'm through running. I'm through lying to mom and dad.
The only way to beat my demons is give my life back to Christ. Yes, even Christians can fall away. We're not perfect, as everyone wants to believe. We screw up, we curse, we lie, we hate. Give us some credit; we're only human.
Maybe the reason I obsess over Evo is because I find understanding in it. I'm the biggest nerd in my grade. I've been teased and taunted all my life, just because I think on a different level than everyone else. Seeing teenagers who struggle with making friends and trying to be themselves, special "gifts" and all, makes me feel accepted. I know that sounds really weird and creepy, but it's the truth. Scorn me all you want, it's nothing I'm not used to. But Evo is more than a "gifted nerd kid looking for acceptance" scenario. It directly reflects what it's like to be a Christian.
With my faith, I sometimes feel like Kurt in "Mainstream." People mock the other Christians in my school, then turn to me and ask me if I support them. I shrug and act indifferently, changing the subject ASAP. But all the hiding just hurts me. Indifference is my image inducer. I want people to see through it, but they don't.
All I'm really looking for is acceptance. A chance to live again, free from the burdens of these personal demons eating my brain. If you can accept me, let me know. I pray that maybe this story about ME, about my real struggles has made a difference in your life. . . or just caused you to think.
This song is from Relient K:
Sometimes it's embarrassing/ to talk to you/ to hold a conversation with/ the only one who sees right through this/ version of myself I try/ to hide behind/ I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified.
And sometimes/ I'm so thankful for/ your loyalty/ Your love regardless of/ the mistakes I make will spoil me/ my confidence is in a sense/ a gift you've given me/ and I'm satisfied/ to realize/ you're all I'll ever need
You looked into my life and never stopped/ and you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple/ but they're beautiful/ and you recite my words right back to me/ before I even speak you let me know/ I am understood.
That's gonna be all from Kitsune Ryune for a while. Keep reviewing, and may God bless your lives.
As for me, thanks for helping me conquer my demons.
My Demons
"What consumes your mind controls your life"—Creed
Never were truer words spoken in my life. Ever since the sixth grade, I've struggled with my thoughts. Obsession, it seems, eats my brain alive. Back then, it was fantasy books. In eighth grade it was boy bands. Now, it's Evo, or X-men Evolution. Obsession is the demon that chases me day and night.
I want out.
Maybe it's nothing to you. After all, not everyone has an out of control imagination. Not everyone is like me in that their thoughts run away with their soul. Not everyone has the same religious upbringing that I do.
You don't really know what I'm talking about because you don't know me. Sure, there are some who are familiar with my stories, maybe even a few of you know me personally. But I can guarantee that not one of you KNOWS me. There's only one being in all of existence that truly knows me, and I know for sure it's not me. Maybe you've heard of him. . . his name is Jesus Christ.
So you're wondering why I'm telling you all of this, neh? It's because I don't want anyone to experience what I have in coming to terms with my personal demon. This is not a fanfic, this isn't gonna make you laugh out loud like my other works. This is meant to make you think. Think about life, about your own demons, and what everything means. This is the REAL Kitsune Ryune, and this is my position on life.
When it comes to faith, the face that I've tended to put on my faith is Kurt Wagner's. To me, Kurt is everything that I am: goofy, cavalier, willing to take/make a joke, and beneath it all, carrying enough heartache to crack even the worst cynic. I cheered with joy when he told Storm in X2 that faith can help you survive. In the prologue comics to X2, he tells off a guard that God isn't racist or bigoted, and that God loves everyone, regardless of looks, background or past mistakes. Originally, this was gonna be a story about Kurt's faith and the struggles that he faces, but the events of last night changed everything.
My parents know that I struggle with obsession. They know the signs of when it's getting out of hand again. And I was heading in that direction. They, once again, confronted me, letting me know that I was only hurting myself with the deceit and lies I was using to indulge my obsession. Inside, I knew what I was doing was wrong, so this is my way of coming to terms with the demons that have been after my heart for almost a year.
Guys, I know some of you don't believe in Jesus as the Messiah. But he really is. Every time I pray, I know that he's listening, because he answers. Sometimes I don't like the answer, but it's a response just the same. If you're not a Christian, I have a question: do you ever feel like the things you do in life just can't fill the void? That's what my obsession is like. I try and try to force-feed myself Evo, plunging deeper and deeper, yet I feel even more empty every time I try.
That void is where Jesus belongs. And I know that. I just don't wanna accept the truth and face the facts. Even so, I'm through running. I'm through lying to mom and dad.
The only way to beat my demons is give my life back to Christ. Yes, even Christians can fall away. We're not perfect, as everyone wants to believe. We screw up, we curse, we lie, we hate. Give us some credit; we're only human.
Maybe the reason I obsess over Evo is because I find understanding in it. I'm the biggest nerd in my grade. I've been teased and taunted all my life, just because I think on a different level than everyone else. Seeing teenagers who struggle with making friends and trying to be themselves, special "gifts" and all, makes me feel accepted. I know that sounds really weird and creepy, but it's the truth. Scorn me all you want, it's nothing I'm not used to. But Evo is more than a "gifted nerd kid looking for acceptance" scenario. It directly reflects what it's like to be a Christian.
With my faith, I sometimes feel like Kurt in "Mainstream." People mock the other Christians in my school, then turn to me and ask me if I support them. I shrug and act indifferently, changing the subject ASAP. But all the hiding just hurts me. Indifference is my image inducer. I want people to see through it, but they don't.
All I'm really looking for is acceptance. A chance to live again, free from the burdens of these personal demons eating my brain. If you can accept me, let me know. I pray that maybe this story about ME, about my real struggles has made a difference in your life. . . or just caused you to think.
This song is from Relient K:
Sometimes it's embarrassing/ to talk to you/ to hold a conversation with/ the only one who sees right through this/ version of myself I try/ to hide behind/ I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified.
And sometimes/ I'm so thankful for/ your loyalty/ Your love regardless of/ the mistakes I make will spoil me/ my confidence is in a sense/ a gift you've given me/ and I'm satisfied/ to realize/ you're all I'll ever need
You looked into my life and never stopped/ and you're thinking all my thoughts are so simple/ but they're beautiful/ and you recite my words right back to me/ before I even speak you let me know/ I am understood.
That's gonna be all from Kitsune Ryune for a while. Keep reviewing, and may God bless your lives.
As for me, thanks for helping me conquer my demons.