The Empty Vase
This is for one very persistent reviewer whose reviews and consistent e-mails made me care enough to cancel plans and actually sit down and write something.
Chapter 12: Living in Fear
"Leave…me…alone…James," I recite slowly after marking my place in A Tale of Two Cities and slamming my book shut to give James a disapproving look.
"We never finished talking last night. I just want to finish."
It's 5:30 in the morning. I'm just trying to read and he wants to finish some stupid conversation. Last night was our detention. I haven't slept since Walters let us out a few hours ago. I decided I should just read because it'd probably be useless to try and sleep. I've been sitting in the common room, minding my own business, and now James had to come along and ruin my silence and peace. He sits beside me in a large red cushioned chair. It looks even redder from the light of the fire in the fireplace near us.
"Well, maybe I don't want to finish," I inform him truthfully.
"Well, maybe I do. C'mon." He sounds so desperate as he says it.
"Why? Why do you even care?" I ask, setting the book aside, practically giving in to his wishes just by doing it.
"Because I want to know what you meant. You said you didn't know what you wanted anymore...why don't you know?"
"I don't wanna talk about this. It was stupid and I never should have said it in the first place. Please, leave me alone." I reach for my book but his hand goes to my wrist and stops me. He doesn't squeeze it hard and I could easily remove myself from his grasp. I don't though. I don't even know why I don't.
I glance down at his hand and then back to his face.
"You're scared…why won't you admit that you're scared?" He says it timidly but forceful enough to get his question heard.
"I'm not scared! What would I be afraid of?"
"Me." He lets go.
"You don't scare me, Potter. No one does."
I probably said the wrong thing. I always do. Something sets off in him. His face gets a little distorted and he gets up from his seat near me to stand.
"So you're fearless, is that it, Lily? Nothing scares the Great and Wonderful You? You're just immune to everything! And you don't give a damn about anyone or anything so you don't have to be scared for someone else either. You don't even know what it's like to be scared for someone else. Are you just selfish? Do you only give a damn when it's for your well-being? What is it, Lily? I'd love to know why you don't know what fear feels like because I'm so damn sick of feeling it every day. What gives you the right to not have to feel that?"
I can't believe him! I can't believe him. The nerve. Who does he think he is anyway!
Ugh.
I turn my back and I start to just walk away, hands in fists shoved deep into my pockets storming out of the common room. My steps down the corridor are loud and fast-paced. I'm just trying to get away from him. What a bloody prick.
"Where do you think you're going? Stop!" The absolute nerve.
I stop in my place and whip around to see him. My hair flies all around me as I do before shortly falling upon my shoulders and back again. I don't even bother to stay quiet. My voice raises and I make sure he gets how angry I am. "What for? You're so full of it. Everything that comes out of your mouth is complete bullocks. What even gives you the RIGHT to make a judgment like that? You don't know anything about me. So don't act like you do for one moment."
"I'll stop acting like I do once you stop acting like you're not afraid. Why are you so ashamed to be afraid?"
"Why are you so open with fear and vulnerability?"
"I'm not. Accepting my fear is what makes me less vulnerable."
"That's bullocks too. It makes no sense. What do you have to be afraid of anyway? What could be so damn scary in your life? The Great James Potter and his perfect bloody life to follow it. Flocks of girls all around him, perfect group of friends who actually love you, perfect family."
My last words hit him somewhere hard I can tell. I just get a disappointed look in response.
"What? Did I push a button? Should I do it again? Will poor Jamesie cry if I do?"
"At least I know how to. Admit it…don't you wish you could cry right now? I see your eyes brimming with tears."
A hand automatically goes to my eyes and wipes it quickly, checking if he's right. I hadn't even noticed. I try to dry my eyes but it's becoming harder. "Shut it. I don't want your bull shit and your pity," I say threateningly, glaring at nothing but the floor so he doesn't see my weakness in my eyes…or the tears that are just as threatening to fall.
"Who said it was pity or bull shit? Don't think for one minute I feel bad for you for being like this. This is your fault, Lily. I'm sorry, and I lov--" He pauses and I look up at him when he does. What was he about to say? "I can't take this, Lily. If you really wanted to get better, than you would. I think you're so worried about everyone feeling sorry for you, you didn't even realize…the only person giving pity to you…is yourself."
I choke on my words…or maybe I'm choking on my tears.
"Am I right? You know I am. Who lately has felt sorry for you? Me? That's not true. I just want to help but you didn't give a damn that I'm trying. I don't even know if you ever will. I don't even know why I bothered…Maybe everyone's right…you'll never change. You don't even want to."
I finally find my words again. "Change for who? You, James? Why bother? You don't know what I've gone through…you don't know what I've seen…you don't know what I've felt. You don't know anything about fear because I've lived in fears for years and years of my life and I will never let me go back there again. That is the last place I ever wanna go." And I realize…I'm not talking about my father anymore…I'm talking about something deeper…I'm talking about something that no letter James could have ever read would have ever let him know just what it is.
I can't believe I'm still afraid of him. After all these years. After all that I've left behind…I'm still just as afraid as I was when I was five. It hurts just as bad.
"You're right, Lily. I'll leave you alone. I've given up. You won't listen to me. Even if I told you anything…you wouldn't believe me…or you wouldn't care. I'm gone. Finished. You don't have to deal with me anymore." He's not joking. He's actually being serious. Wait—don't turn around. Where is he going? Why is he doing this?
…why is he giving up on me?
"James, wait!" But he doesn't turn around for me. He just…keeps walking. What I'd give for him to just look back.
His footsteps are faint as he walks away from me, and with him…he took all my hope and faith in anything.
"Lillian…oh Lillian…c'mere. I have a surprise for you." A deep raspy voice calls from within my dreams. He looks just the same. Big glasses with tape on one side because he's too cheap to replace them…face greasy…beer in hand…dirty clothes. Hasn't changed a bit.
"No...Please…I…I don't wanna go. Please. P-P-Petunia ca-can we go? Please?"
"Yeah, c'mon Lily…L-lets go…" I feel my sister's hand being placed into my own…and we start to run.
We were never fast enough though. Not once were we ever fast enough.
"Oh no you don't! You will listen to me! Don't you dare disrespect me." My hair is yanked from behind me and tears instantly form in my eyes, from pain…or from fear. I don't know.
I'm pulled back towards him and I feel my body tense up. It all feels so real again…even if it's just a dream.
"Now, are you going to be a good little girl and stay still for you good ol' buddy, Jack?"
And now I'm crying. My five year old tears streaming down my face and landing upon his dirty shirt. "Please! Let me go!" I'm kicking…as hard as I can…Why is it never good enough?
I watch as his hand raises above me, his class ring still on it, still as dull looking as ever…and I stare transfixed as the hand swings back down and hits me across the face. I scream in pain and I grasp the side of my cheek where I can feel blood trickling down slowly.
"Stop! Please! Stop! I just want to go home…" I whimper out weakly, just right before we're thrown into that same damn shed…I hold onto Petunia for all dear life…crying into her shoulder…praying for someone to come help us…No one does though. No one ever did.
"I'll be back, you little brats." He slams the door and I hear the familiar lock that I've come so accustomed to over the years. I begin to shake once I feel Petunia's shaking body on me too.
"STOP IT!"
I hear screaming calling to me to wake up and I'm finally shaken so hard I fall off the couch I had been sleeping on and onto the floor at the feet of the poor soul who had to listen to me. "Lily! Lily! Wake up! You're having a nightmare! Wake up! It's not real! It's not real!" I'm not even sure how I ended back up in the Common Room...it doesn't matter though I guess because I'm here now.
I'm still shaking. I can't bear to look up and see who's there. If it's James...I don't know what I'll do...
"Lily...?"
"H-Hey Sirius..." I don't know why...but instead of feeling happy that it's not him...I feel...disappointed.
"Are you okay...?"
"Yeah...I-I-I'm fine...why do you ask?"
"Because you were screaming at the top of your lungs...that's why."
I look up at him, I swallow down a sob and I don't bother to wipe my tears this time...I help myself up, with two shaky arms and a shallow breath. "I...I need to leave...I...I'm so sorry...tell James I'm so sorry..."
He looks confused...and worried...and he whispers, "You can tell him yourself...he's over there." He points a finger over towards the fireplace and I follow where he points.
There he is. Just standing there. Face pale, and hand on the arm of his chair to keep balanced...
I find my strength finally staring at him. I pick myself up fully and I run out the commons once more...and I keep running. I don't stop for anything. I don't stop until I've made it outside by the lake...and even then...I pause for only a moment...until I run into the Forbidden Forest...
I forbid myself to cry like this...to remember like this...to hate like this...so I felt that's probably the most appropriate place to run to.
Mmkay, well…I don't care if it's short…or anything like that…or how long it took to post. I just FINALLY found my inspiration…and so now I feel like I'm going to be writing like crazy. For all of my stories. Just not this one. So here you go. I hope it wasn't complete crap.