Woo… new chapter… hooray!
So, let's check up on our favorite inept villain and see how his plans for DA EVIL are going, no?
Disclaimer: I do not own Golden Sun, at all, truly I don't. It belongs to it's respective owner(s).
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Saturos blinked and turned his head towards the door to Alex's bedroom.
It had been one full day since the horrid catastrophe of when Saturos burned all of Alex's hair off – his precious. The bishounen had gone into crying fits, cursing the world for being so cruel to him and for destroying the most beautiful hair to ever grace a video game, cartoon, book, whatever – it doesn't matter, take your pick, he had said – and had promptly locked himself inside his room.
Menardi had recovered nicely after her rather abrupt cure. The blonde vixen couldn't remember a single thing about her rampage throughout the city, but found it odd that she now had a distinctive hate for Vanilla Coke. With Alex locked up in his room, Saturos had immediately seized the opportunity for some "romance" and asked Menardi if she wanted to go ride a train. The following is a selection from what followed afterward.
"Satty! You know how much I hate trains!"
"But-"
"Oh, I knew it!! You don't love me after all!" Thus began the many hours of crying on Menardi's part, and much seething on Saturos' part, muttering something that oddly sounded like "Kill Alex, kill Alex…"
Thus brings us up to speed with the present day. Thank you for your patience.
Saturos blinked again and furrowed his brow. "Uh… Alex?"
Menardi put her coffee mug down. "He still in there?"
"Apparently…"
Menardi sighed and shoved him. The blue-haired Proxan growled and turned to his beloved. "What?!"
Menardi put her hands on her hips. "Well, you are the man in this relationship, doesn't that mean you're the leader?"
"Well, I-"
"Then, go in there!" With a powerful shove, Menardi thrusted Saturos forward…
…and right through Alex's bedroom door. Menardi cringed at the sight of a whole the shape of Saturos' body impaled through the door. "Satty…sweetie?" she called.
No response.
Menardi blinked and kicked her lover lightly in the stomach. "Wake up, Satty!"
No response.
Menardi's expression turned feral. "Wake up, gosh darnit!!"
No response.
Menardi growled and ignited Saturos' body into flames.
No response.
Dumbfounded, Menardi walked through the hole in the door – while stepping over Saturos' body, of course – and into Alex's bedroom. She nearly burst out giggling when she saw it.
Alex's room was decorated with many pictures of himself in many ridiculous and "sexy" poses, obviously from Alex's early attempt of being a model before he became interested in the Evil business. There were also many self-portraits of himself, in which he made himself even more "bish" then he already was.
If this evil thing doesn't work out, he can always become a painter, at least, Menardi thought.
She turned his head towards his dresser, which was decorated with many different hair products used for the care and maintenance of his blue hair. Menardi couldn't believe what she saw. He had more hair care and styling products then she – and she thought she went overboard with such things!
She walked over to his dresser, and noticed a letter lying on the wooden top. Curious, she picked up.
Dear Saturos and Menardi,
My hair is destroyed. It's gone, and there isn't a power contained within the quintessence of Alchemy that can restore it. The most beautiful thing to ever grace the human race has been destroyed. I've never felt so sad in my life. I feel as though I have no will to go on; like my life has no meaning anymore…
…I think I feel a poem coming on…
No! Must not become goth; anything but that!!
But I must prevail! I have fangirls, gosh darnit! Fangirls that love to see my beautiful, beautiful self! What will they do if they see me without my luxurious locks? Why, they may become Felix, Piers, or Isaac fangirls! Or, worse, Garet fangirls ( Poor things ).
As such, I am putting my quest for evil on hold until my beautiful hair is restored.
Tootles!
Your Friendly Neighbor Hood Evil Overlord Except Not Yet Because I'm Not an Official Evil Overlord But I Will Be Because I Will Pass the Test They Have Given Me,
~Alex.
"Nutter." Said Menardi, rolling her eyes. She put the letter down and lifted Saturos on to her shoulder.
"Ssh, it's okay, baby, Menny's here…" With that, she exited Alex's room.
Little did she know…
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Clad in black ninja outfit, Alex carefully clung to the ceiling. Not out of skill or anything – he just didn't have any ninja skills to begin with. The poor Adept dug his fingers into the ceiling, trying to keep himself from letting go.
Creak!
Alex whimpered as a small crack began forming around the area where his fingers and toes were lodged into the ceiling.
Creak!
"No…" he murmured, "not now…"
Suddenly, everything surrounding Alex froze in time, and four glowing orbs – yellow, red, blue, and purple, respectively – surrounded Alex.
"Alex…" they spoke in unison, "would you like it if we prevented your fall and many boo-boos?"
Alex squealed and let go of the ceiling…
…and fell to the floor. With a loud SQUISH sound, Alex found himself sprawled all over the floor, his organs rearranged in alphabetical order. No, seriously; they did.
"Heh, sucker." Said the orbs, and they vanished into who-knows-where.
Time restarted, and Alex shook his fist at the ceiling. "Curse you, foolish Djinn! Curse you to heck and back again!"
Several bystanders stared at Alex. Alex stood up and with a quick Ply, rearranged his organs back into their normal spots. He noticed the bystanders. "What? Never seen a guy being tricked by Djinn before?!"
The bystanders slowly backed away from Alex and his insanity. He grinned triumphantly, and turned his attention to the shelves of haircare products before him.
"Now, let's see… what to pick, what to pick…"
"Ahem."
Alex turned around to see a scantily-clad woman with light purple hair and makeup on her face. She was carrying a basket of other hair products, as well as other makeup. "Yes?" Said Alex.
"You're standing in my way. I need that conditioner, y'know."
"Oh! My deepest apologies, miss." Alex sidestepped out of the woman's way, and the woman grabbed the item from the shelf. As she headed towards the cashier, she turned to Alex and scowled.
"I'm a man, by the way. Name's Kuja." Kuja walked away, whistling the tune to "Kuja's Theme". Alex stood there for a few moments, trying to process the information just relayed to him. He slowly raised his hands to his eyes.
"Aaaaaaaaaaah! My eyes! They burn with the most awesome of powers! The pain, the pain!!" He started walking backwards, and into the products on the shelves. "His prettiness rivals that of my own! It's not fair!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A few minutes later, Alex was at the cashier. "Excuse me, miss," he started, "but you could please tell me where the Rogaine is kept?"
The cashier turned to him. She was a young woman of seventeen with long auburn hair and muddled red-brown eyes.
Jenna.
Alex blinked. "Oh…uh, hi…"
Jenna stared at him blankly. "Sorry, sir, but we're out of Rogaine. Please try another store. We at CVS send you our deepest apologies!"
Under his s00pah-cool ninja hood, Alex frowned. "Oh, darn. Thank you for your time, then."
Silence.
"This never happened, Alex."
"Agreed."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Alex sighed. He had just left the CVS and sat on the concrete miserably. There was no way his beautiful hair could be restored now. His fangirls were as good as lost, the poor things…
"Alex?" said a voice. "That you?"
Alex turned his head to see Isaac standing behind him, a bottle of a strange orange liquid in his hands. "Oh. Hi, Isaac."
"Yo."
"Can't you see I'm brooding here, as in I'm sulking and basically channeling thoughts of pure rage and anger unto every living thing on Weyard?"
Isaac shrugged. "No, but you look a little upset. Now, I know you tried to be evil and everything, but I'm willing to let bygones be bygones. So, I heard from Saturos that you had a little hair problems, so I brought you this!" Isaac handed over the bottle. "Kraden says that this will regrow all of the hair on your head."
Alex's face brightened up under the ninja hood. "Really? Oh, wow, Isaac! Thank you so much!" Alex stood up from the concrete and held the bottle up to the sky. "With this bottle, I, Alex, shall once again become a bishounen and soon become the undisputed Evil Overlord of Evil from Golden Sun! Mwu eh heh heh heh hehe!" The Mercury Adept continued his inane laughing and teleported in a stream of light.
Isaac blinked. "Dang, he's gotta work on that evil laugh…"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The next morning, Alex woke up extremely happy. After drinking the contents the bottle the night before, he was overjoyed to feel that his head had some hair on it again. Grinning happily, he walked over to his mirror, and his jaw dropped.
While the potion had restored his hair, Alex was horrified to find out that his hair had been changed from aqua blue to a bright…peroxide…
"Blonde?! Blonde! Why is my hair blonde?!" Seething, he reached for the bottle and read the label. Rogaine Bleach. Isaac had tricked him!
Alex grit his teeth. "The insolent fool! Pulling a prank on me, Alex, the Overlord of Evil! How dare he trick me like this!" He began to laugh creepily. "Yes…yes…he'll pay, alright…mirror, mirror on the wall, show me, define me… I am the ultimate telemorasel!!" He suddenly paused and slapped himself silly.
"Bad Alex. Bad, bad, bad. No more ripping off other lines of other villains. Bad, bad, me…"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
On the other side of town, Isaac opened his eyes after a good night sleep. However, he felt something… odd about his bed. He looked around the room, trying to find out his situation.
Observation 1: He was naked.
Observation 2: He was handcuffed to Jenna.
Observation 3: Jenna was naked.
Conclusion 1: Somehow, they had ended up in the same bed.
He turned his head towards the doorway, and visibly paled.
Observation 4: Felix stood in the doorway.
Observation 5: Felix looked pissed off.
Observation 6: Felix had his sword drawn.
Conclusion 2: I was going to die.
"ISAAC! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN BED WITH MY SISTER?!"
"Wait, Felix, I can explain!"
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARENSEMBLE!!!"
"Not the face! Not the face!
BOOM, CRACK, SMASH!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Back on the other side of town, Alex was laughing evilly.
Sometimes, blondes really do have more fun.
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Reviewer Responses
[ Lord Isaac ] ~ Thanks for the compliments. Yet another one who finds Bill Gates as an Evil Overlord to be genius. Thanks!
[ Joker's Specter ] ~ Y'know, you were the only one who commented on the names of the reporter and weatherman. Kudos to you, my friend! Sorry, no new Evil Overlords this chapter.
[ Bass GSX ] ~ Trust me, the world does not even know the horrors of drinking a whole bottle of Vanilla Coke. I speak from experience. Kids, it's like drugs – don't do it.
[ MercuryAdept ] ~ Thanks. I've always done bits of humorous romance, but thanks for the complement anyway. And another one who thinks Bill Gates is evil. Cool.
[ Evil Bob ] ( Chapter 2 ) ~ 'Course Alex isn't good at being evil. He never did anything evil in the first place, so it's unknown of how truly evil he is. Glad you liked the idea of calling Dullahan "Frank".
[ Allexandra Radcliffe ] ~ And he still has an even longer way to go. It isn't easy being evil.
[ The Faction's Lord ] ~ Actually, "I like trains!" is a play on FF8's Selphie, who had a song about how she liked trains. No, really. She did.
MK ~ Thanks for the compliment.
[ Yoshimi Takahashi ] ~ You? Sue-happy? Now, Yoshimi, that's a scary thought indeed. It doesn't matter of Alex becomes the EVIL SPAWN OF EVILNESS in the end anyway; won't change Vyctori's opinion of him. ^^;
[ Pyrodragon 88 ] ~ Trust me, a psychotic Menardi is very fun to write, believe me. Also, feel free to do the X-2 parody; I've got too many projects I'd like to do and get done in the long run, so by all means, do it.
[ magical-flyingdragon ] ~ Well, I had Isaac, Jenna, and Felix in this chapter, so I hope that counts…!
Now, this is the part of the chapter where I'm supposed to threaten you, the reviewers, with threats of bodily harm and pain to review my fanfic. Now, if you'll all just be wary of the landmines…
[ EXPLOSION! ]
…I really need to get paid for this sort of thing.