Alone
Prologue
By Selenity Jade
Rated: PG

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is not mine. I'm broke; don't sue!

Beta: Lynz – Thank You!

Pairing: Mamoru/Usagi (Darien/Serena for you dubbies)

AN: 03/04/08 – Well guys, I posted up my DBZ fic A Saiyajin's Heart again after a slight edit (some sites didn't have it for some reason) and now I'm onto reading and correcting bits of this fic. Then whenthat is done, I will do nothing more than complete this fic. Yes, that is my goal for those of you threatening me still. I will edit all the chapters I have so far, and then I will update it until it's done. Completed. I'll try not to be as evil in this as I was in ASH.

Warning: This fic is very, very old and my writing has grown since then. But I can't change too much of this fic or I'll end up with an AU of an AU, and that's just silly. So forgive the corniness and OOCness that I wince to even read now.

xxx

"Get over it!" the fiery priestess yelled at her cowering friend.

"But, Rei-chan-" the girl began before being cut off.

"No buts, Usagi! Get over it! Move on! It's not the end of the world! Get it through your thick head; you and Mamoru-san are over!" Rei cried out in frustration. "He doesn't love you. Get over it! We are all tired of hearing his name. We're tired of your crying and whining! Just get over it! You are driving all of us nuts! 'Mamo-chan' this and 'Mamo-chan' that," Rei mimicked with a glare at her blonde friend.

"You are a worthless excuse for a princess and warrior. Move on! It's real simple," Rei said hatefully.

Sighing in defeat, Usagi looked down at the grass. She knew she should get over it. She knew that. She'd tried; she honestly tried. What more did Rei and the others want her to do? She just couldn't move on. And they didn't understand.

"Fine, Rei-chan," Usagi began. She then looked up into her friend's violet eyes. "You win," she said almost silently and quickly left the temple.

When the cool autumn air hit her face, she quickly started to run. She wanted to run away from the cruel words her friend had thrown at her. The tears that streamed down her smooth cheeks went unnoticed by the fleeing blonde. She didn't know where she was escaping to, only that she had to get as far away as possible. She couldn't stand it anymore. First abandoned by Mamoru, then her friends pushed her away just when she needed them most.

She knew she should move on. She knew that, but as hard as she tried, she couldn't forget him. He was always in her heart. He was never far from her thoughts. It didn't help that she saw him everywhere, all the time. As Tuxedo Kamen, he kept coming to fights saving her, yet still saying the same words repeatedly. I don't love you, he'd say, the words echoing painfully in her soul. And he cared so much for Chibi-Usa, was always looking out for the pink-haired girl, so Usagi ended up seeing a lot of him.

A sharp pain stitched in her side as she continued to run as fast as her slender legs would take her. Thoughts of Chibi-Usa always made her angry. She was nothing more than a little spoiled brat. A brat who cared for no one but herself. Sure, Usagi loved the kid. Chibi-Usa was very important to the teenager, but she couldn't help the anger that overcame her whenever the little child came near Mamoru.

And to make it all worse, the little girl was always causing trouble. Always running off, never caring that anyone would be worried or hurt while looking for her. She had to admit that more than a part of her was jealous of Chibi-Usa. Chibi-Usa had what she did not. Mamoru's concern and love. She had him wrapped around her finger and he wouldn't even talk to Usagi. It made her heart ache just looking at the little pink haired girl, always reminded that something about her was more important to him. And part of her hated that little girl.

Guilt always followed that thought. She loved Chibi-Usa, too. She didn't want any harm to ever come to anyone, least of all an innocent little child.

It was all so painful and confusing! She didn't understand why Mamoru continually decided that he knew what was best for her. She didn't understand why he had to hide things from her! He loved her; she could have sworn that he did. Yet why was he doing this? It didn't make sense to her at all. He had changed overnight and it left her in agony.

Suddenly, Usagi realized where she was. The park. Slowing to a walk, her ragged breaths softly breaking the silence. She moved on towards the gardens, where she often went when she was hurting or troubled. The roses there always soothed her hurts and fears with their beautiful colors and sweet scent. It was always peaceful, which was so unlike her life. The gardens were the only place she could go that was never disturbed by being Sailor Moon or the Moon Princess. Here, she had no destiny. She was allowed to be just an ordinary girl.

An ordinary, heartbroken teenager.

Reaching her destination, she walked leisurely among the roses. A sea of roses spread out around her. Red, pink, yellow, white, all colors imaginable stood out against the greenery. Closing her eyes, Usagi deeply breathed in the sweet scent. Her mouth curved into a slight smile as she lost herself in that scent. Nothing could quite compare to the aroma of roses.

Suddenly, the blonde opened her eyes. Mamo-chan smelled of roses. Feeling as though she had been hit in the stomach, Usagi fell to her knees on the cold grass. Sobs wracked her slender body as tears fell continuously from her deep blue eyes.

It always led back to Mamoru. Always. Every thought, every action, every object reminded her of her Mamo-chan. How was she supposed to move on when her heart wouldn't let her? How was she supposed to forget how much she loved him? How much he had loved her?

"Mamo-chan…" she whimpered quietly. "Why?" she asked the empty gardens. Why must she love him so much? Why must she keep thinking of him? Why can't she just forget? Forget all of the pain? Yet she knew she couldn't, because she would then have to forget the good times. The sweet smile he used to give her. The way his eyes had lit up every time he saw her. She'd have to forget the way his eyes had looked when he gazed at her with such love.

She treasured each memory she had of him. Each time he had held her hand when they were shopping. Each time he had whispered in her ear, telling her how beautiful she was, how wonderful she was. They used to cuddle on the couch talking about each other's lives, sharing the other's sorrows. She treasured all of her memories with him.

She also dreaded those memories now. Every night, when she closed her eyes, they would play through her mind, tormenting her. She learned to dread going to sleep. No matter the memory – good or bad – she would end up awake for hours, crying bitterly at the loss of such bliss. Or she would cry over the painful memories, the memory of being pushed away, abandoned, and left all alone.

She would end up getting only a few hours of sleep – if she slept at all. And even then, her sleep was filled with dreams. Dreams of him. Sometimes, they were wonderful dreams of being with him again. Being in his arms and being loved again. Yet each morning she'd wake up with a smile only to have it quickly disappear as she realized it was only a dream. Then the pain would begin again.

Other nights, she had nightmares. He'd leave her repeatedly in them. She'd wake up, tears streaming down her face. How was she supposed to move on when even her dreams were filled with him?

She missed him horribly. Every moment of every day, she wished he had been there. Every time she was out with the girls, she'd thinkMamo-chan would hate this... or Mamo-chan would love this... Each moment, she was reminded of the cold space next to her that used to be occupied by his warmth. She missed the way he laughed. The way he would wink at her in such a way to let her know he loved her. She missed the words, too. The way he said things with feeling. If he meant it, he said it with such emotion behind them that it was impossible to doubt.

Hugging herself, Usagi began to rock herself unconsciously. She felt so alone now. Even her friends had abandoned her, but she couldn't bring herself to feel the sharp pain of that betrayal. She already hurt too much to feel much more. It was only a dull ache compared to everything else she was going through.

She remembered how, when any little thing bothered her, just being around her Mamo-chan made it all seem unimportant. Sometimes, it seemed they were the only people in the universe. She had to admit to herself a little guiltily, that she had begun to feel that he was all that mattered anymore. She cared for her friends and family sure, but Mamo-chan was her everything. The reason she breathed. The reason she lived. The reason she fought at all.

Usagi lay down in the soft grass, curled into a ball. She found that she couldn't stop sobbing. The tears kept falling. Falling for what was lost. What could have been. For herself. She wanted him back more than anything in the world. Yet, she couldn't bring herself to destroy his self-sacrificing actions. She couldn't tell him she knew about the dreams! She couldn't tell him that it didn't matter to her whether she died, as long as she had him. She knew he'd only push her away again, forcing her away because he loved her above his own happiness, supposedly. So, she would stay away, no matter how much it hurt to wonder if maybe he hadn't loved her like she believed he had. After all, if he had loved her, wouldn't he have trusted her with those fears of his?

It was tearing him up inside, she could see that, and it worried her. But she couldn't very well go up and try to help him. He'd reject her again and she didn't know if she could survive much more of his harsh words. So many times, she had wanted to go to him, to call him, anything. Yet, she held back. After he had rejected her so many times, she couldn't do it again. She just couldn't bring herself to risk the pain anymore.

The pain. It never left her. It stayed with her continuously. Every moment she was aware of her loss, her broken heart. Her shattered soul. Every moment her mind was on him. She couldn't help talking about him. She couldn't help it. If that was all she thought about, then it was all she talked about. She felt terrible for annoying her friends so much, but she had tried to think of other things. Like the new enemies. She couldn't focus. She just couldn't concentrate. She couldn't help it.

Usagi felt it within her soul that she belonged with him. He was her soul mate. It was torture to be so close to him, but in reality, they might as well have been galaxies apart. She saw him but she wasn't allowed to hold him, kiss him, or love him. She had tried so hard to put up a brave front and not show how much she was hurting. But she knew she couldn't keep it up forever. She was dying a little bit at a time. Everyday it was harder to get up. Everything was shear willpower now. Breathing, eating, sleeping, fighting. And she didn't know why she even bothered continuing with anything. Not when it didn't seem to matter to her friends or Mamoru any longer.

She knew she was being unfair, she knew why Mamoru chose to push her away. She knew her friends cared for her, but they didn't understand the pain this separation was bringing her, or why it was so hard for her to stop crying about him.

She almost hated her life now. Never before had she felt so... desolate. Now, it all seemed meaningless and worthless. All of it. Her entire life wasn't worth the effort anymore. Why fight for truth and justice when she couldn't bring herself to even believe in it anymore? She knew her friends would be shocked to learn of the darkness within her thoughts. That wasn't the Usagi they knew. But the Usagi they knew was dying. All that would be left would be an empty shell. None of them cared enough to see it. None of them wanted to see it.

When Mamoru had left her, she had lost everything. She had lost her joy, her happiness, and her life. Her life before him hadn't been meaningful. She had been empty then, too. Her soul had known it was missing a part of it. Her soul, the soul of Princess Serenity had cried out for her Endymion. Throughout her life, Usagi had known something was missing. Then, she'd found Mamoru. Even when they hadn't known who the other was, she'd felt whole when he was near. Whole like she had never been before in this life. She had unconsciously called out in her heart for him. She'd thought their souls were intertwined for all time.

Apparently not, she thought bitterly. Not when simple dreams can cause him to hurt me so. His answer to her danger was to have nothing to do with her.

Gods, how that hurt. She knew he loved her, though it was times like these she wasn't so sure, but she knew he did. He loved her. And at one time, that was enough. She didn't know what changed. She didn't understand when they were both so happy and complete, why he'd suddenly stop trusting her, stop confiding in her, and push her away.

How many times had that thought plagued her? Ten times? A hundred? A thousand? It all came back to that. Usagi's sobbing slowed as she rolled over to lie on her back. She looked up at the night sky. Stars twinkled dimly at her from above and the full moon illuminated the heavenly gardens. Tears still shimmered faintly on her cheeks and in her eyes.

Truthfully, she worried about him. She was worried about the lifelessness he gave off now. He seemed to be in trouble, yet she could do nothing about it. He was too proud to accept his former girlfriend's help, even if he loved that former girlfriend with his entire being. He wasn't the Mamo-chan she had fallen in love with. He was a shell like she was.Why can't you let me make the choice. It is my life! Why can't I choose to be with you, even if it means my death, Mamo-chan?

xxx

AN:Keep in mind Usagi is a young teenagers and first love, especially when you're forced to deal with such deep feelings for someone at such a young age, you're hurt very badly. I know it's obnoxious to listen to her moping to some of you, but some people are... I guess the word is obsessive about it. Everyone has their weaknesses and strengths and one of those I share with my created Usagi is that when I'm heartbroken by love, I also tend to fall to pieces. But give me friendships falling apart, life falling apart, stress, and family drama and I'm fine and can deal and move on. Break my heart and I'm worthless and weak. I can move past grief over someone's death who was close to me, I just love too much romantically.

Think of the suicide rate of teenagers, they feel all these emotions so intently, and we all usually grow out of it or learn to deal with it better. Some people don't handle heartbreak well and my created Usagi is one of them, like I am. It's not that we can't live without a man – obviously I can since I'm still alive here – it's that when pain comes from being betrayed or abandoned, we fall to pieces. Like all the stored up emotional pain only comes out then. People think I don't care about other people because I don't get upset over much. But break my heart and I am worthless.

So no, this doesn't indicate she's weak-willed, just that romantic emotional pain left by Mamoru – the man she's loved in two lifetimes (think how deep their feelings are) – completely destroys her.

Don't worry, this is just the start of the fic and it'll get more active later on!

Japanese:

-chan: usually used for small children and girls.

Lovies!