(Well, here it is—the next installment of Lord of the Hitokiris. You all had better be loving me, 'cause I is a groovy authoress, that I am.
DISCLAIMER: LOTR and RK belong to themselves alone, and though I have a part in both worlds, I claim responsibility for neither. (Ha, figure THAT out…))
We now find ourselves overlooking KYOTO, which is supposed to be IN RUINS, but is in fact not that different from the way it looked three thousand years ago.
CLOSE-UP of the SIX-ARCH SHRINE. The point must now be stressed that this shrine is DECKED OUT IN BLACK, has grown to ENORMOUS PROPORTIONS, has TURRETS, BATTLEMENTS, and JUST ABOUT EVERY ITEM A CREEPY FORTRESS CAN HAVE, and is EVIL.
Inside the SIX-ARCH SHRINE…
SHISHIO: ::has just finished crisping Golishi with his creepy HAND OF DOOM:: Mwahahahahaha!
SHISHIO, though, is no longer handsome or all that young looking. He now resembles a CRISPY, WALKING MUMMY, because he was burned up when KATSURILDUR chopped off his RING.
ENISHI: It burns us! It freezes us!
SHISHIO: Freezes…? It's not supposed to do that…
ENISHI: ::whimpers:: We hates it…stupid Meiji era…
SHISHIO: Really? I hate it too. So if you tell me where my precious—I mean, where my Ring is—then I'll let you go and you can go wreak havoc somewhere. ::mutters:: Stupid creepy white-haired freak…
ENISHI: You're one to talk!
SHISHIO: Well?
ENISHI: Eh, why not? ::pretends to be in great anguish:: Tokyo…HIMAGGINS!
MOUNT DOOM: ::spits out fire in shock::
SHISHIO: WHAT?! My Ring's in the Happy Hobbit Land of Tokyo?
ENISHI: The same!
SHISHIO: ::shudders:: Ew…all those short people…don't want to go…hey, wait! ::yells:: You! Orc lackey! Summon the Juppon Gatana! Tell them to go find a Himaggins in Tokyo!
JUPPON GATANA: ::appear out of nowhere, and look mightily pissed::
SHISHIO: Well, that was quick. Now, my minions, go forth and find me—
RINGWRAITH #2: ::grinds teeth:: We heard.
SHISHIO: Oh, good, I don't have to repeat myself. Now get going.
RINGWRAITHS 1-9: ::fidget::
RINGWRAITH #4: Umm…Master Shishio…we don't want to go to the Happy Hobbit Land!
RINGWRAITH #7: They're too short!
RINGWRAITH #9: And cute!
RINGWRAITH #5: And they wear ribbons!
RINGWRAITHS: ::all burst into tears:: PLEASE, MASTER, DON'T MAKE US GOOOOOOOOOO!
SHISHIO: ::SCARY!:: RAWR!
JUPPON GATANA: ::cower::
SHISHIO: FIND ME A HIMAGGINS NOW! OR I'LL—I'LL—WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ::burst into boiling-hot tears and sits down sobbing on the steps of the Six-Arch Shrine::
JUPPON GATANA: Oh, no! We will find him! Don't cry, Master! Please, don't cry!
SHISHIO: ::sniff:: Y-you'll find m-me a Himag-g-g-gins?
JUPPON GATANA: Of course, Master!
::WHOMP!::
JUPPON GATANA: ::all lying in painful positions on the floor:: Ow…
SHISHIO: THEN GET OUT THERE AND DO IT!
JUPPON GATANA: Eep! Yessir!
SHISHIO: So hard to find decent help nowadays…
AUTHORESS: Hey, aren't you supposed to be a great flaming eye?
SHISHIO: Got bored. Taking over the world is much more fun when you can wield a sword and kill people. ::EVIL GRIN::
AUTHORESS: Riiiiiiight… ::edges away:: …wonder what the Juppon Gatana are doing… ::flees::
The JUPPON GATANA ride out from the Six-Arch Shrine. All of them are SCARY, in more than one way…
WE HAVE…
RINGWRAITH # 1—The Sword King, UDO JIN'EH. Creepy smile intact, along with his Hat, which now has gone from looking sinister to vaguely ridiculous with his new robes.
RINGWRAITH #2—UNUMA USUI, the Blind-But-Can-See Wraith. Has a thing for drinking blood.
RINGWRAITH #3—SAWAGEJOU CHO, the Broom-Headed Wraith. Waaaaaay too many swords.
RINGWRAITH #4—HONJOU KAMATARI, the Cross-Dressing Wraith. (He's really enjoying the flowing robes.)
RINGWRAITH #5—KARIWA HENYA, the Flying Wraith of Doooooooooom! (A/N: Love you, Christine.)
RINGWRAITH #6—IWANBOU, the Big Stupid Wraith. Pity his poor horse.
RINGWRAITH #7—SAIZUCHI ROUJIN, the Creepy Old Man Wraith.
RINGWRAITH #8—FUJI, the Ridiculously Enormous Wraith. Pity his horse, too.
RINGWRAITH #9—SENKAKU, the Cone-Headed Wraith.
JUPPON GATANA: Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
AUTHORESS: It should be noted that I did not come up with the written version of the Ringwraiths' screams. Christine Persephone did. Fall down and worship her. NOW.
The JUPPON GATANA go charging out into the countryside and start doing horrible things to the scenery. (Ever had a Black Rider go riding across your pansies in the middle of the night? I thought not.)
Meanwhile, HIKO THE GREY has gone riding towards KYOTO.
MOUNT DOOM: ::is still coughing up lava::
HIKO: That can't be good…
HIKO turns himself around and gallops right over to GONDOR…which now, as well as a magnificent castle, looks THE TINIEST BIT like the POLICE HEADQUARTERS of TOKYO.
HIKO: Well, that's peculiar…
AUTHORESS: Look, there's really a limited amount of places in R/K, okay? And besides, Gondor's too cool to change.
HIKO: …Whatever.
So yes, GONDOR really hasn't changed all that much.
::HIKO now stampedes into GONDOR and goes rummaging through some severely crinkly old texts.::
HIKO: Hmmm, this looks promising. "The year 1867, the start of the new Meiji Era…here follows the account of Katsurildur…"
HIKO goes on to read of the HISTORY OF THE RING, which we already know…
HIKO: "…a secret now which only fire can tell…" Oh, damn.
SCENE CHANGE, back to Happy Hobbit Tokyo. The RINGWRAITHS KAMATARI and IWANBOU are menacing a POOR DEFENSELESS HOBBIT and his DOG.
KAMATARI: ::blatantly proud of his manly prettiness:: Hey, don't you think these robes do WONDERFUL things for my figure?
HOBBIT: No! Please! Spare me! ::cowers::
DOG: Bark! ::cowers::
KAMATARI: Freak. Where's a Himaggins?
HOBBIT: Himaggins? They're in the downtown Tokyo area!
KAMATARI: Oh, THAT'S really helpful. New to the area, dude! Directions, please!
HOBBIT: ::points:: That way!
KAMATARI: Thank you ever so kindly. Iwanbou! Come!
::The two RINGWRAITHS ride away::
DOG: Well, that was weird…
HOBBIT: Aah! Talking dog! ::flees::
DOG: Freak.
Cast ListTHE NAZGUL: See Above Script
GONDOR: Police Headquarters in Tokyo. (Sorta. Not really.)
(::smiles:: Yes, I know I'm on crack, heroine, pot, cocaine, meth, caffeine, etc.)
(Yes, I am aware that not all of the Nazgul are members of the real Juppon Gatana. What can I say? I have places for some of the other members, so they skipped over to their respective parts, and they needed others to take their place. Hence, Jin'eh and Senkaku. Please forgive my transgression, and just call them the Juppon Gatana anyway. It saves so much time.)