A/N: Hi there! I know I shouldn't be starting another story with "Battle of the Bands" still swimming around out there, but hey it's okay. I'm allowed to play with these characters, Joss said it was okay! Um, okay maybe that was a dream, but it sure looked like Joss. Could've been the First though, just messing with my head. By the way, all apologies to US columnist Carolyn Hax who actually does write a witty column called "Tell Me About It: Advice for the Under-30 Crowd."
Anyways, the inspiration for this story came from my bestest friend in the whole world, Enjanerd. She gives great advice, and I told her she should start an advice column on her blog and so she did (this week), just for fun. And one day I actually happened to be sitting in front of my computer eating Ben and Jerry's, and one day I did have silver hoops on, and one day I did attempt to paint my fingernails Punk Rock Purple, without much success, and one day I did try to tune out "America's Top Model," so I figured it'd make a cool opener for the story.
Summary: Buffy Summers is an aspiring journalist working for the LA Daily Tribune's "Life and Leisure" section. She's one of the most talented staff writers, but has a new job on her plate: the advice column "Lover's Walk: Advice for the Under-30 Crowd" or more commonly known under the pseudonym of "Dear Joan." After being burned in a series of relationships, Buffy no longer believes in love, but a job is a job. Along comes Spike, unaware of Buffy's secret identity and hijinks ensue. Will she find love in the most unlikely of places?
Dedications: This one is for Enjanerd.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. BTVS isn't my property. Everything belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and whoever else is in charge. I just like to play with the characters like it's one giant game of chess. (Even though I'm not very good at chess.)
Distribution: Ask me first, please?
Feedback: Yes! Great! Please, sir, can I have some more? Click that little review button, or drop me a line at s p i k e s f a s h i o n g r r l @ h o t m a i l . c o m (but without the spaces).
Lovers Walk: Advice for the Under-30 Crowd :)by Fashiongrrl
Chapter 1: Dear Joan :)A half-eaten pint of Ben and Jerry's "New York Super Fudge Chunk" sat in front of the blank computer screen. The radio was currently blasting "It's My Life" by No Doubt, and the owner of a newly painted pair of "Punk Rock Purple" toenails was bouncing along in tune to the music. The smell of chocolate ice cream blended with the acetone of the nail polish still held precariously in the hands of Buffy Summers. One shoulder balanced the phone to her perfect blonde head, silver hoops hanging delicately for each ear. The TV was one mute in the background, as she pretended not to watch the latest episode of "America's Top Model" -- the latest contribution to reality TV drivel. Various envelopes for her advice column littered the floor, a carton of Chinese takeout was somewhere at hand, and rain pelted the windows of her chic LA apartment. Buffy was desperately trying to pay attention to anything else other than the blank computer screen and furiously blinking cursor in front of her. Afterall she was on a deadline, what else was she supposed to do other than procrastinate?
"IT'S MY LIFE! Don't you forget! It's my life! It never ends!" Buffy sang along to Gwen Stefani's melodious voice. "Oh sorry, Wills! I LOVE this song! I just get so caught up in it."
"Five dollars says you're dancing around your apartment right now," her best friend Willow Rosenberg said over the phone, trying to stifle a giggle.
"No, I'm not! Okay, maybe, yes I am. But it's a good song! I can't help it. 'It's my life! Don't you forget! Caught in the crowd! It never ends!' I should so be a singer! What am I doing writing this column?"
"Yeah Buff, keep telling yourself that," came the voice of Xander Harris, Buffy and Willow's other best friend, over the phone as well. Thank God for conference calling!
"Hey, so not funny! I called you guys for help, it's not 'pick on Buffy' day!" Buffy joked. "Okay, I'm all Serious Writing Gal now. No more dancing. Here's the letter I'm having trouble with. It's from 'Navy Blue in Cali' and I have no idea what to say to this one. He writes, 'Dear Joan: My good friend Chloe just broke up with her fiance of 2 months. I've been in love with her since we were 15, but I've never told her because I didn't want to mess up our friendship. I've always wanted to say something, but I don't think this is the right time. The only problem is I ship out in 2 weeks and won't be back for 5 months. I don't want to confuse her or ask her to put her life on hold? What do I do?'"
"Okay, why 'Joan' again?" Xander asked.
"Look we've been through this. The original Joan -- Joan Winters -- left the LA Daily Tribune at least 20 years ago, and I'm the 6th person to take up her 'Lovers Walk/Dear Joan' column. We've got an image to maintain. The name comes with the territory," Buffy explained.
"I still think it's weird. Hey, my name is Joan, I'm actually not Joan though, I live somewhere else and the real Joan is dead," Xander joked.
"She's not dead, Xander!" Willow cried. "The real Joan 'has been retired for fifteen years and living like a queen in Patagonia.'"
"Oh! Oh! I know that one! The Princess Bride; the scene where Westley explains how he got the job as the Dread Pirate Roberts!" Buffy said, jumping up and down.
"Yup! I couldn't help it, Tara and I watched it last night!" Willow said laughing.
"Okay back to this guy, what do I tell him to do? If he tells her he loves her, she's totally going to think he's trying to take advantage of a bad situation here. She's completely vulnerable right now," Buffy mused.
"Wait, did she dump him or did he dump her? Navy Blue makes it sound like she left him?" Xander said.
"Hey! Kind of like J.Lo dumping Ben," Willow joked. "Okay, I so need to stop watching 'Entertainment Tonight,' I can't believe Dawn got me hooked on this last time I saw her!"
Buffy laughed at her friend's predicament. Her little sister Dawn was known to be a little bit of a celebrity addict and it always seemed to rub off on someone. "That's what I hate about writing this column. These people are big with the uncertainty. The real letter sounds a little different, but I had to edit it for content. It seems like this guy is concerned because the girl Chloe's fiance seemed abusive? Only he had a very ugly spin on it, something like 'her fiance is a total dickhead, he was only marrying her so she wouldn't be able to screw anyone else.'"
"Wow, sounds like Navy Blue and the fiance might be meant for each other instead," Willow said. "Oh I know! Tell him he can be perfectly happy finding a hot sailor in the Navy."
"Yeah, I'll write that and lose my job. Great idea, knocking the US Navy in a column read by thousands," Buffy said.
"Hey, what? Navy guys are hot. I mean I might be gay, but I'm not blind. I was straight once. Xander, if you were gay wouldn't you want a Navy guy?" Willow said.
"Okay, Wills. I think I'll have to refer you to 'don't ask, don't tell," for that one right there," Xander quipped. "I think I'm good without getting it on with a sailor."
They heard his girlfriend Anya in the background, "What? Xander Harris, are you going to have an encounter with a hot man and not tell me?! You'd better be thinking threesome!"
"Ahn, I think you're enough for me to handle. More than enough, trust me," Xander called to her.
"What? No threesome! I was looking forward to having another sweaty -- " Ahn shouted back.
"ANYA! I'm going to have to beg you not to finish that sentence!" Xander yelled.
Buffy and Willow couldn't help giggling at Anya's blatantly sexual commentary. What most would find crude and offensive, they had come to find almost endearing about their no-holds-barred friend. Almost endearing, almost.
"Okay, kind of thinking a world of no on Plan A: get it on with a sailor. I think I'm going with Plan B," Buffy paused and starting to think and type furiously. "Dear Navy Blue: Her breakup is recent and she may need some time to heal. If she's been dumped you don't need to swoop in and save her, because that's what she'll see it as. You don't want to be her rebound guy. If she initiated the break up, she might have had cold feet or just needs some 'me' time before she gets involved in a relationship again. If you really love her, you'll wait. Let her know you care for her deeply and she means more to you than just a friend, but let her know want to see her happy. DO NOT profess your love for her. Let me repeat, DON'T TELL HER YOU LOVE HER otherwise she'll bolt. Unless you're going into combat, you'll see her in 5 months. See where it goes from there. Sometimes the best things are worth waiting for."
"Not bad, but the last line is kind of cliche," Willow said.
"I know, but that's what half of this job is about, stupid cliches. That's how the original Joan wrote, so I've got to keep some of the style. Afterall, the column isn't called "Ask Buffy," well not yet anyway," Buffy said.
Just then the phone beeped on Buffy's end. "Dammit! I've got another call," Buffy said, glancing at her Caller ID. "Shit! It's Giles. I told him I'd have this on his desk like yesterday, I've got to go guys! I'll call you tomorrow! Bye!"
"Bye!" said Willow.
"Later chicas!" added Xander.
Buffy hit the Flash button and changed over to the other line, where Rupert Giles, editor of the LA Daily Tribune's "Life and Leisure" section was waiting.
"Hey Giles! How's it going?"
"Good evening, Buffy! I trust you're almost done with the column?" Giles asked, before she'd been able to say anything else.
"Yeah, I'm putting the finishing touches on the last letter. How's this sound?" she said, as she read her work aloud to Giles.
"Not bad, not bad at all. In fact I'm impressed. Although I would have been more impressed if I'd had it by 5," Giles said.
"Writers block?" Buffy said, with a weak excuse.
"Is that what they call it these days, Buffy?" Giles joked. "I know you! You're probably sitting in front of your laptop eating ice cream and playing games."
"Why does everyone always predict what I'm doing? Am I just that predictable?" Buffy wondered to no one in particular. "Giles, I think you're living in a dream world. Have you ever seen me play a video game?"
"No, but I assumed since half of your colleagues do, you might as well. I will never understand the strange fascination your generation has with those seizure inducing idiot boxes anyways. Haven't they ever heard of books? Oh excuse me for a moment will you? Jenny just stopped by."
Buffy swore she could hear Giles cleaning his glasses and blushing simultaneously as Fashion editor Jennifer Calendar walked into Giles' office. She strained to hear the conversation. Something about... Oh shit! The Yves St. Lauren article! Oh no, Giles was fuming. Giles mad was not a good thing, especially since the "Life and Leisure" section had been entered in the National Institute of Journalism's "Lifestyles" section for the style, flair, and life sections of America's newspapers. So far his biggest competition was Ethan Rayne over at the Atlanta Gazette. Giles couldn't afford to have anything go wrong these days.
"Buffy! Where the bloody hell is that article for the new Yves St. Lauren collection?! Jenny said you were supposed to have it in to her this morning!" Giles yelled into the phone.
"I'm almost done with that one, too! It'll be on her desk by like yesterday," Buffy said.
"I think that's because it was due yesterday, Buffy?"
"La la la, what was that Giles? Couldn't understand you!" Buffy singsonged.
"Buffy Summers! Get those bloody articles on my desk by tomorrow morning or you're fired!"
"You know, I bet you're extra cute when you're all mad. Maybe you could go yell at Jenny? I bet she'd swoon right then and there and ask you out just out of sheer Giles-y cuteness. And besides Giles, you threaten to fire me every two days, remember? Wait, no I think last week it was every day! A new record! We should celebrate!" Buffy laughed.
"You're absolutely incorrigible!" came Giles' weak response.
"Whoa! I'm really sorry, Giles! No need to get all scary and uber British on me," Buffy said.
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I'm just under a little bit of stress. I've got some company coming into town and I have a million things on my mind. I know you do excellent work, but just because you've taken over the 'Dear Joan' column, it doesn't mean you can let your other articles slip. You're one of our department's best writers, and I recommended you for the job because I know you can handle this," Giles explained.
"I know, I know Giles! I promise it'll be in your office before you get there tomorrow," Buffy promised.
"Very well then, Buffy. Good night!" Giles said.
"See you tomorrow, Giles!"
Buffy turned off the TV, lowered the radio volume, capped the nail polish, put the ice cream in the freezer, cracked her knuckles and sat down to type. One great fashion article coming up! Along with one really good advice column. One plus one equals really tired Buffy. It was going to be a long night.
Buffy Summers wasn't too big on believing in love, and didn't think she ever would be again, so it was rather odd that she was chosen to write an advice column on love, dating, and relationships. She'd dated Riley for a year before she found out he was cheating on her because he felt that she just didn't love him enough, even though he'd been the one who was never open and honest with her. Then there was Parker, the "love 'em and leave 'em" type, or in other words, an asshole. Robin had been really sweet, but after 3 months, Buffy realized he seemed like he was looking for a mother figure more than a girlfriend. After all that had happened, 25 year old Buffy Summers had finally met the perfect man, handsome, rich, intelligent, kind, considerate, a great cook, and a decent lover. She had a great life, a great job, great hair, and the greatest guy around, as long as he was somewhere else all the time. Ever since they'd gotten engaged, she'd felt as if a little piece of her had died. If she had her way, every person writing to Joan would get something like, "Give up on love, it's a bitch. Plus it doesn't exist. Just settle for security and comfort, that's what I'm about to do."
All of a sudden the front door slammed shut and she looked up to see her fabulous fiance walk into her apartment. He would never know she wasn't in love with him, so she pushed the thoughts of doubt and fear out of her mind. She got up to embrace him as he walked towards her.
"Buffy! I missed you so much today!" he said.
"Hey, Angel."
A/N: Do bear in mind it's a SPUFFY fic. So not to worry. *Spuffy love and Spike-shaped cookies for all*