Chapter 6
"Good morning," Mr. Fisher greeted cheerily on Saturday morning. He flipped a pancake and then turned around again to stare at his daughter and her best friend. "You two look like you just had sex."
Gordie shrugged. "Not with each other, at least," he replied, pulling out a chair, and Jana laughed. "Mr. Fisher, do you want help with breakfast?"
"Nope." He shook his head. "You can help me eat it, though," he added, plopping a stack of pancakes down on Gordie's plate. "I didn't know whether you liked blueberry or regular, so I made both, and then I didn't know what kind of syrup you liked... we have the real stuff but I figured you'd like the fat-free crap so I went out and bought you some, and then I realized that I'd bought blueberry syrup, and I still wasn't sure if you liked blueberry or not, so I ran out and bought maple, only to come home and realize that I'd bought ANOTHER carton of regular maple, so I went out and bought a thing of fat-free maple, and then decided "eh, what the hell" and then went out and bought fat-free maple, and then got home and realized that if you DID like blueberry, there wasn't any fat-free blueberry, so I ran out and bought some fat-free blueberry syrup, along with some Canadian bacon, and then realized you weren't Canadian, but might possibly like Canadian bacon as it's slightly less fattening than regular bacon, but decided to buy some regular bacon just in case, and then realized upon arriving home that you might like sausage, so I bought two packages, and then got home and realized it was unbalanced, so I went out and bought another package each of Canadian and regular bacon, and then got home and realized we had no EGGS, so I went out and-"
"Dad, you are burning in sentence hell for that..."
"Mr. Fisher," Gordie interrupted. "How many trips to the store did you MAKE?"
Mr. Fisher blushed. "Nineteen," he replied. "Which explains the eight bottles of syrup on the table... here. Have some bacon. And then some Canadian bacon. And sausage. And scrambled eggs. And omelettes. And-"
"Did you make nineteen trips for me?" Gordie asked incredulously.
"Well," Mr. Fisher replied, shoving a sausage into his mouth, "you ARE the guest."
Gordie's jaw dropped.
"He's not this nice to everyone," Jana said conversationally, filling a glass with milk. "In fact, he seems to be quite taken with you... is there something I don't know?"
Mr. Fisher waved a hand. "Go take a shower," he ordered. "You disgust me." Gordie snickered and Jana scampered off.
"I am going to drink her milk," Mr. Fisher announced. "Gordie, would you like anything to drink?"
"Water would be fine, please," he replied politely. Mr. Fisher nodded and filled a glass.
"So how's life?"
Gordie shrugged and took a sip of water. "It's all right," he replied after he'd swallowed. Mr. Fisher nodded.
"Glad to hear it. Decided what poem you're going to enter in the contest yet?"
"Yeah, I think so. I'm pretty proud of it, actually."
"What's it about?" Mr. Fisher inquired, turning the stove off and coming to sit down. "Have a seat."
"Love," Gordie murmured, blushing. "Well, lack of it, really..."
"Oh, don't tell me you can't get a girl." Mr. Fisher grinned broadly. "It's not like they're an endangered species or anything."
"Well, the only girl who's ever paid me any attention is Jana."
"So go for her." Mr. Fisher shrugged.
"Uh, Jack, you're her DAD..."
"No I'm not. I'm your confidant. I'll be her dad when you two go out and I have to run background checks on you for twenty years and threaten you in public so as to discourage the practice of dating and neutralize you in the way of reproductive organs so you can't take advantage of my daughter. For now, just talk to me."
Gordie waved his hands in the air, seeming to have forgotten about the glass of water. "I don't know how I feel, Jack," he exclaimed suddenly, spilling a bit of water on his shirt and not noticing at all. "I mean, on the one hand, she's this really cool girl and then on the other hand she doesn't like me and even if she does I don't know if I like her and even if I like her and she likes me what if I screw it up? What then? God! This is hard! Love is not supposed to be hard! This is so hard that I can't even talk anymore, and I'm the most articulate person I know..." He put his head in his hands. "I hate love."
"What you have," Mr. Fisher replied wisely, "is not love. You have CONFUSION. Which, upon further reflection, is roughly eighty percent of love. You may be on your way. But I have to say that I find your declaration of "love is not supposed to be hard" interesting."
"Well," Gordie said, setting down his glass. "Well." He seemed to have calmed down a bit since his previous outburst. "I mean, I know I love her, but right now it's more like a sister love, and it's kind of gross to want your sister, but I do, sort of, and-"
"Hey! You want my daughter?"
"Confidant?"
"Eew! You want your sister?"
"I think so."
Mr. Fisher sighed. "Does she KNOW?"
Gordie rolled his eyes. "Not unless I scream her name in my sleep."
Mr. Fisher laughed. "Oh, Gordie," he sighed, leaning back in his chair. "You've got a lifetime to fall in love, you know. You've only got a few years to be a kid. Besides, look at me. I haven't been laid in five years and I AM the cool club."
Gordie snickered and held up his glass. "To celibacy?"
Mr. Fisher grinned and clinked his glass against the younger boy's. "To celibacy."
~~
Jana never went outside with wet hair. It bothered her, made her feel messy, unkempt, ugly.
Today, racing across the field and heading toward the treehouse, her wet hair flopped and got her yellow, ratty tank top wetter than it already was. She reached back, never stopping or even slowing down, and made an attempt to tie it back with a rubber band she found in her jeans pocket. Her stomach sank as she ran her fingers over her hair and realized she'd made it even worse. Oh well... it'd have to wait.
"Anyone up here?" she cried, slithering up the ladder. "My God, Teddy, get your fat ass off that milk crate!" She heard scraping as Teddy moved the crate he was likely sitting on away from the hatch and opened it to peer down at her.
"Aren't we a right little ray of sunshine," he cracked sardonically, grinning at her and grabbing her hand to help her up. "What's up? And where's your skronk buddy?"
"Chris," she cried, panting. The blonde looked up.
"You are really out of shape," he observed mildly, staring at her heaving chest and flushed face. "Are you gonna be okay? Do you need the Heimlich maneuver?"
"Dude, if you're going to try and feel up girls," Teddy interrupted, "get it right... the Heimlich is for when you're choking..."
Chris shrugged. "She appears to be choking on her throat," he replied. He turned to Jana. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," she gasped, sitting down as he moved over and made a spot. "I need to talk to you."
"About...?"
"Would you have sex with me?"
Vern made a gurgling noise as he suddenly forgot how to swallow, resulting in the precipitation of Chex Mix. Teddy fell off his chair, and for the first time in his life, tried unsuccessfully to laugh. Chris just gaped.
"Not you PERSONALLY. But as a man in general."
"Um... I'm not qualified to answer that... and your granola and tofu is definitely a turn-off..."
She groaned. "Chris, I'm serious," she muttered, resting her head on his shoulder. "Let's change the guidelines. You're no longer a man in general. You're Gordie. Same question."
Chris's face visibly relaxed. "Ohhhh. So THAT'S what this is about."
Jana sighed. "Last night he slept RIGHT NEXT TO ME. He was close enough for me to hear his breathing. I've never heard sexier breathing. It was 'Grrr I want you take me now' breathing, and I wanted to roll over on him and just SUFFOCATE him."
Chris snorted. "Sexy breathing doesn't exist, and even if it did, Gordie wouldn't have it. Gordie has 'I'm a part of the chess club AND the English club, and I may be sleeping on my pocket protector, so take it out and I won't ruin it and we'll call it second base' breathing."
Teddy cackled. "Amen, brother."
"I hate you both." She looked up at Chris. "Do I even have a CHANCE?"
"I've no idea," Chris stated simply.
Jana looked around the treehouse. "Teddy? Vern?" Both boys shrugged. "Well aren't YOU THREE a bunch of help," she snapped, standing abruptly and yanking down on the hem of her tank top.
"Look, we don't keep some sort of bizzaro "Skronk Log" for you two," Teddy replied. "Why don't you just ASK him if he likes you?"
"Um, because that would involve ritualistic suicide, which can be a hindrance in romance to those of us belonging to the NON-necrophiliac population, and I don't think Gordie belongs to that particular subculture?"
"I dunno, man," Chris murmured. "It's always the quiet ones."
Jana laughed, which caught her breath, which made her wish she was about twenty pounds lighter and still taking gym. She quickly turned the gasp for air into a cough in a desperate effort to save face among the ridiculously- physically-fit Chris and Teddy, comforting herself only with the fact that Vern was still there. "I guess so," she agreed. "Well, I'm supposed to be taking a shower right now, and so I guess I should run home, huh?"
"Probably," Teddy concurred. "Unless you have money to play poker, in which case you are free to stay here. In fact, money isn't even necessary; I'll be nice and allow you to stay here and inspire a friendly game of strip poker."
Jana gagged. "I really have to go," she protested disdainfully. "Any last minute advice?"
"Come up to him all friendly-like and rub his shoulders," Chris suggested.
"Touch the back of his ear," Teddy said. Something about the decisive tone of his voice made Jana question him.
"Why? How do you know this? Am I wasting my time on a Teddy-liker?"
"Once, I did it by accident while we were wrestling and he got a stiffy off it."
Jana wrinkled her nose and her jaw dropped. "EEW! I hate you! No more talking for you! I'm going home to eat granola and watch over my organic produce while doing yoga and cleansing that from my mind!" She shoved him away from the trapdoor and jumped through it.
Chris headed to the window and watched her dart across the field. "She's an odd one," he stated, looking around at his other two friends.
"Like Gordie," Teddy agreed, and cackled.
"They are great for each other," Vern observed. "Such cute little skronk buddies."
Teddy rolled his eyes. "Adorable."
End of Chapter 6
You! Yes you! Review! (If only for the fact that that rhymed and I'm obviously a poet and don't know it)
"Good morning," Mr. Fisher greeted cheerily on Saturday morning. He flipped a pancake and then turned around again to stare at his daughter and her best friend. "You two look like you just had sex."
Gordie shrugged. "Not with each other, at least," he replied, pulling out a chair, and Jana laughed. "Mr. Fisher, do you want help with breakfast?"
"Nope." He shook his head. "You can help me eat it, though," he added, plopping a stack of pancakes down on Gordie's plate. "I didn't know whether you liked blueberry or regular, so I made both, and then I didn't know what kind of syrup you liked... we have the real stuff but I figured you'd like the fat-free crap so I went out and bought you some, and then I realized that I'd bought blueberry syrup, and I still wasn't sure if you liked blueberry or not, so I ran out and bought maple, only to come home and realize that I'd bought ANOTHER carton of regular maple, so I went out and bought a thing of fat-free maple, and then decided "eh, what the hell" and then went out and bought fat-free maple, and then got home and realized that if you DID like blueberry, there wasn't any fat-free blueberry, so I ran out and bought some fat-free blueberry syrup, along with some Canadian bacon, and then realized you weren't Canadian, but might possibly like Canadian bacon as it's slightly less fattening than regular bacon, but decided to buy some regular bacon just in case, and then realized upon arriving home that you might like sausage, so I bought two packages, and then got home and realized it was unbalanced, so I went out and bought another package each of Canadian and regular bacon, and then got home and realized we had no EGGS, so I went out and-"
"Dad, you are burning in sentence hell for that..."
"Mr. Fisher," Gordie interrupted. "How many trips to the store did you MAKE?"
Mr. Fisher blushed. "Nineteen," he replied. "Which explains the eight bottles of syrup on the table... here. Have some bacon. And then some Canadian bacon. And sausage. And scrambled eggs. And omelettes. And-"
"Did you make nineteen trips for me?" Gordie asked incredulously.
"Well," Mr. Fisher replied, shoving a sausage into his mouth, "you ARE the guest."
Gordie's jaw dropped.
"He's not this nice to everyone," Jana said conversationally, filling a glass with milk. "In fact, he seems to be quite taken with you... is there something I don't know?"
Mr. Fisher waved a hand. "Go take a shower," he ordered. "You disgust me." Gordie snickered and Jana scampered off.
"I am going to drink her milk," Mr. Fisher announced. "Gordie, would you like anything to drink?"
"Water would be fine, please," he replied politely. Mr. Fisher nodded and filled a glass.
"So how's life?"
Gordie shrugged and took a sip of water. "It's all right," he replied after he'd swallowed. Mr. Fisher nodded.
"Glad to hear it. Decided what poem you're going to enter in the contest yet?"
"Yeah, I think so. I'm pretty proud of it, actually."
"What's it about?" Mr. Fisher inquired, turning the stove off and coming to sit down. "Have a seat."
"Love," Gordie murmured, blushing. "Well, lack of it, really..."
"Oh, don't tell me you can't get a girl." Mr. Fisher grinned broadly. "It's not like they're an endangered species or anything."
"Well, the only girl who's ever paid me any attention is Jana."
"So go for her." Mr. Fisher shrugged.
"Uh, Jack, you're her DAD..."
"No I'm not. I'm your confidant. I'll be her dad when you two go out and I have to run background checks on you for twenty years and threaten you in public so as to discourage the practice of dating and neutralize you in the way of reproductive organs so you can't take advantage of my daughter. For now, just talk to me."
Gordie waved his hands in the air, seeming to have forgotten about the glass of water. "I don't know how I feel, Jack," he exclaimed suddenly, spilling a bit of water on his shirt and not noticing at all. "I mean, on the one hand, she's this really cool girl and then on the other hand she doesn't like me and even if she does I don't know if I like her and even if I like her and she likes me what if I screw it up? What then? God! This is hard! Love is not supposed to be hard! This is so hard that I can't even talk anymore, and I'm the most articulate person I know..." He put his head in his hands. "I hate love."
"What you have," Mr. Fisher replied wisely, "is not love. You have CONFUSION. Which, upon further reflection, is roughly eighty percent of love. You may be on your way. But I have to say that I find your declaration of "love is not supposed to be hard" interesting."
"Well," Gordie said, setting down his glass. "Well." He seemed to have calmed down a bit since his previous outburst. "I mean, I know I love her, but right now it's more like a sister love, and it's kind of gross to want your sister, but I do, sort of, and-"
"Hey! You want my daughter?"
"Confidant?"
"Eew! You want your sister?"
"I think so."
Mr. Fisher sighed. "Does she KNOW?"
Gordie rolled his eyes. "Not unless I scream her name in my sleep."
Mr. Fisher laughed. "Oh, Gordie," he sighed, leaning back in his chair. "You've got a lifetime to fall in love, you know. You've only got a few years to be a kid. Besides, look at me. I haven't been laid in five years and I AM the cool club."
Gordie snickered and held up his glass. "To celibacy?"
Mr. Fisher grinned and clinked his glass against the younger boy's. "To celibacy."
~~
Jana never went outside with wet hair. It bothered her, made her feel messy, unkempt, ugly.
Today, racing across the field and heading toward the treehouse, her wet hair flopped and got her yellow, ratty tank top wetter than it already was. She reached back, never stopping or even slowing down, and made an attempt to tie it back with a rubber band she found in her jeans pocket. Her stomach sank as she ran her fingers over her hair and realized she'd made it even worse. Oh well... it'd have to wait.
"Anyone up here?" she cried, slithering up the ladder. "My God, Teddy, get your fat ass off that milk crate!" She heard scraping as Teddy moved the crate he was likely sitting on away from the hatch and opened it to peer down at her.
"Aren't we a right little ray of sunshine," he cracked sardonically, grinning at her and grabbing her hand to help her up. "What's up? And where's your skronk buddy?"
"Chris," she cried, panting. The blonde looked up.
"You are really out of shape," he observed mildly, staring at her heaving chest and flushed face. "Are you gonna be okay? Do you need the Heimlich maneuver?"
"Dude, if you're going to try and feel up girls," Teddy interrupted, "get it right... the Heimlich is for when you're choking..."
Chris shrugged. "She appears to be choking on her throat," he replied. He turned to Jana. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," she gasped, sitting down as he moved over and made a spot. "I need to talk to you."
"About...?"
"Would you have sex with me?"
Vern made a gurgling noise as he suddenly forgot how to swallow, resulting in the precipitation of Chex Mix. Teddy fell off his chair, and for the first time in his life, tried unsuccessfully to laugh. Chris just gaped.
"Not you PERSONALLY. But as a man in general."
"Um... I'm not qualified to answer that... and your granola and tofu is definitely a turn-off..."
She groaned. "Chris, I'm serious," she muttered, resting her head on his shoulder. "Let's change the guidelines. You're no longer a man in general. You're Gordie. Same question."
Chris's face visibly relaxed. "Ohhhh. So THAT'S what this is about."
Jana sighed. "Last night he slept RIGHT NEXT TO ME. He was close enough for me to hear his breathing. I've never heard sexier breathing. It was 'Grrr I want you take me now' breathing, and I wanted to roll over on him and just SUFFOCATE him."
Chris snorted. "Sexy breathing doesn't exist, and even if it did, Gordie wouldn't have it. Gordie has 'I'm a part of the chess club AND the English club, and I may be sleeping on my pocket protector, so take it out and I won't ruin it and we'll call it second base' breathing."
Teddy cackled. "Amen, brother."
"I hate you both." She looked up at Chris. "Do I even have a CHANCE?"
"I've no idea," Chris stated simply.
Jana looked around the treehouse. "Teddy? Vern?" Both boys shrugged. "Well aren't YOU THREE a bunch of help," she snapped, standing abruptly and yanking down on the hem of her tank top.
"Look, we don't keep some sort of bizzaro "Skronk Log" for you two," Teddy replied. "Why don't you just ASK him if he likes you?"
"Um, because that would involve ritualistic suicide, which can be a hindrance in romance to those of us belonging to the NON-necrophiliac population, and I don't think Gordie belongs to that particular subculture?"
"I dunno, man," Chris murmured. "It's always the quiet ones."
Jana laughed, which caught her breath, which made her wish she was about twenty pounds lighter and still taking gym. She quickly turned the gasp for air into a cough in a desperate effort to save face among the ridiculously- physically-fit Chris and Teddy, comforting herself only with the fact that Vern was still there. "I guess so," she agreed. "Well, I'm supposed to be taking a shower right now, and so I guess I should run home, huh?"
"Probably," Teddy concurred. "Unless you have money to play poker, in which case you are free to stay here. In fact, money isn't even necessary; I'll be nice and allow you to stay here and inspire a friendly game of strip poker."
Jana gagged. "I really have to go," she protested disdainfully. "Any last minute advice?"
"Come up to him all friendly-like and rub his shoulders," Chris suggested.
"Touch the back of his ear," Teddy said. Something about the decisive tone of his voice made Jana question him.
"Why? How do you know this? Am I wasting my time on a Teddy-liker?"
"Once, I did it by accident while we were wrestling and he got a stiffy off it."
Jana wrinkled her nose and her jaw dropped. "EEW! I hate you! No more talking for you! I'm going home to eat granola and watch over my organic produce while doing yoga and cleansing that from my mind!" She shoved him away from the trapdoor and jumped through it.
Chris headed to the window and watched her dart across the field. "She's an odd one," he stated, looking around at his other two friends.
"Like Gordie," Teddy agreed, and cackled.
"They are great for each other," Vern observed. "Such cute little skronk buddies."
Teddy rolled his eyes. "Adorable."
End of Chapter 6
You! Yes you! Review! (If only for the fact that that rhymed and I'm obviously a poet and don't know it)