DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters or locations you are about
to see in the story. They are property of J.K. Rowling, and she is the
only person who makes any money from their existence.
A/N: This is a quasi-companion piece to "Interlude" and "Asking the Question," but it could also stand alone.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
It started out as a routine patrol of the grounds. Somehow, the other teachers had convinced themselves that I had to take my turn walking through the halls and along the borders of the Forest all night. In all honesty, I hardly minded. I would never have been able to sleep, anyway. It's foolish, I know, but with everything happening in the outside world, I have felt this horrible, encompassing guilt for cloistering myself in the safety of Hogwarts. It grated on me when I tried to sleep.
Pulling my cloak more tightly around my shoulders, I walked out of the building. The first true snowfall of the year was just beginning to fall, slow, languid flakes trickling down.
I heard him before I saw him, a scraping noise as someone clawed at the trunk of a tree. Whispered incantations in a familiar voice. Horrified, I hurried across the field to just inside the tree line.
He looked awful. Pale, bloody, and shaky, Severus was struggling to stand and ripping off a great deal of skin from his fingertips in the process. I approached him anxiously, forcing myself to remember the training we'd had in the Order, how to deal with torture victims.
I began to speak slowly from where I stood. "Severus? Severus, love, can you hear me? Do you know where you are? Can you tell me what happened? Severus?"
"M-Min...?"
"Yes." I hurried across the expanse between us, knelt beside him, and took his hands in mine. "I have you. You're safe."
"Min... Min... Minerva, I..."
"It's all right, Severus, my dear child. You're safe. I'll take you up to Albus; everything will be-"
Panic flittered across his features. He withdrew against the tree, beginning to shake in earnest. "No, please... please, not... not tonight. Not tonight, I can't..."
"What can't you do, child?"
"He'll make me show him, and... I know it's selfish, but... I can't relive it... so soon..."
"Severus, Albus needs to know-"
"I don't want him in my mind. Minerva, not tonight, please," Severus whispered. The last time I heard anyone so frightened was during the last war, and it certainly wasn't about spending time with Albus.
I realized, of course, that Albus would not have appreciated my undermining his orders, particularly in regards to the War. However, one night could hardly hurt in the long run. I sincerely doubted that Albus could garner anything from Severus in such a state anyway, so I said, "All right. All right. It's all right. I'll take you to my chambers; he won't look for you there. I have an extra room. It's small, but it's warm. I promise I won't tell him, child."
"Promise?" He echoed softly, nervously.
"That's right, Severus. I promise."
He wrapped his fingers around my hands, and when I helped him stand, he leaned against me gratefully. I helped him walk into the castle. I helped him climb up the steps and into my darkened chambers. Together, we lit only one small candle. Severus smiled at the light, at me, obviously grateful. I guided him into the guest room and tucked him into the twin bed. His feet dangled over the end, until he curled into a tiny ball, burying his head among the pillows. I sat on the bed beside him. I ran my fingers through his hair; they came away covered in blood.
Revulsion rose in me, but I knew better than to let him see it. Taking a deep, steadying breath, I said, "Draco spent my entire class today making eyes at Abigail O'Connell. You know her, don't you? She's in Ravenclaw, very long, auburn hair and green eyes? She and Draco worked together on their independent study project last term; they had the highest grade in the class."
"He told me," Severus rasped.
Just as I was about to laugh at him, someone knocked on my doors. The smile fell off Severus's face. I murmured, "It's probably just one of my students. They are prone to nightmares lately, especially the very young ones."
Thus saying, I left the room. Without asking who was there, I opened the door, expecting to see a bleary eyed child with a bathrobe haphazardly fastened around him. Instead, in purple velvet robes and half-moon spectacles, the Headmaster stood with a tragic look in his eyes. "Albus?"
"Is Severus with you, Minerva?"
He spoke with such wretchedness that it took me a rather ungraceful moment to realize that his question required a response. I murmured, "Yes, he is, but he is rather outside himself at the moment."
"I must see him," he said. To my shock, he wandered into my chambers. Could he not have waited for an invitation? I had never seen him in such a decrepit mood. He swept through to my guestroom; I followed close behind him.
When he came into the room, Severus was half-asleep and half- unconscious, so it took him a long moment to realize that Albus had come. Then, slowly, he focused on the Headmaster's face, and he strove to rise. He failed miserably, collapsing against the bloodstained pillows.
"S-sir, I... I didn't mean..." Severus spoke. And though his voice was more lucid than it had been in the forest, it made me pray for his former confusion. He sounded so lost, so frightened. I watched him struggle for breath and eek out, "I didn't do it to disobey you. Please."
He was always so strong, had always been, no matter what happened, how it affected him, anything. I respected him for that. Sometimes, I worried about him because of that. Never as much as I do right now.
Albus sat on the edge of the bed and rested his hand on Severus's face. Immediately, Severus's eyes slammed shut and his shoulders went utterly rigid, but he did not withdraw. It was much later that I realized that he knew better. Withdrawing would suggest opposition, and opposition would warrant more punishment.
"You know I can be gentle," he said, sounding quite near tears. "I cannot make it pleasant, but it can be a means through which I help you."
"Please... don't send me away. Please."
"If you do not wish to be sent away, you must heed me," Albus said. He did not sound truly angry; he sounded like a tolerant father chiding an errant child. "You must obey me without fail, without question, in every regard. That way, I can take care of you when you need me to. That way, you can remain here, where you will be safe."
Fervently, frightened, Severus vowed, "I will. I will obey you, Master, I swear it."
I had heard him call Albus "Master" before, absolutely unconsciously. I felt Albus stiffen; he had always hated that Severus saw such a correlation between him and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. But he hid his disappointment. "Why did you not come to me, Severus? What happened tonight?"
Severus whispered, "So tired... So- so much pain... Master, I'm sorry..."
Albus recommenced stroking the blood-matted hair, unheeding of the sticky crimson that stained his fingers. Comfortingly, he said, "I know, child. I could simply perform the spell. Is that what you want?"
"Don't want... But... Do what you think is best," Severus's voice scraped angrily against his throat.
"You may sleep when I have finished," Albus promised.
With a smile obviously meant to appease the Headmaster, Severus nodded. Raising his wand, Albus said, "Legilimens."
I had never actually seen someone under that particular spell; the few people able to perform it hardly run about performing it with an audience. Severus's eyes slammed shut. His body went completely rigid as he spasmed, as though frightened of some invisible force in the room. He retched; half-digested food and flecks of blood poured onto my floor, and he slumped back on the bed.
I averted my eyes.
When I dared to look back at the bed, they sat together, Severus trembling desperately in Albus's consoling arms. Horror haunted the Headmaster's eyes, and though I loved Albus more than anyone in the world, I would not, for anything, share that burden. He was whispering, "You did well" and calling Severus "my little one, my beloved child" over and over.
"...Won't be... punished...?"
"Hush, no, of course not," Albus replied. "You will not be punished. You've done nothing wrong. You will not be harmed unduly while you are under my care."
"I try, Master..."
"I am proud of you, Severus. You have made me proud," Albus calmed. "Minerva and I are here. We will not allow harm to befall you."
Steeling my Gryffindor courage, I took a step closer to the bed and murmured, "Albus is right, Severus. We are here for you. Just tell us what you need."
"Sleep?" Severus asked so hopefully that I wanted to cry. His life had come to the point that he most looked forward to sleep and that he felt he needed Albus's permission for it. "May I? Have you... finished?"
Albus whispered, "Yes, my beloved child. Sleep now. Merlin knows you have earned it. You needn't take your meals in the Hall tomorrow; I will see that they are brought here for you. Would you like that?"
Weakly, Severus nodded. This was glorious dispensation for him, I knew; more than anything, Severus hated spending time in social settings with large groups of people. He sagged against Albus, his eyes flittering shut, and soon, pure exhaustion overtook him. Albus realized when consciousness and left him and, carefully, the Headmaster laid the lad against the pillows on my guest bed. With practiced care, Albus draped the quilts over him.
"Would you mind terribly if he spends tomorrow here, Minerva?" Albus asked as if it was a legitimate question. "He feels comfortable around you."
"It is no trouble, Albus," I murmured, horrified, staring at the prone figure of my former student.
"Minerva..."
"Is it always this bad?"
Shaking his head, Albus gently led me from the room. He closed the door behind him and cast several wards to alert him, should Severus require tending in the night. "Though tonight was by no means the worst it has ever been, it is unusually bad. Severus often avoids Voldemort's ire altogether, for he is a favored son. As such, however, his failures are punished all the more harshly."
"I see," I replied. I tried to force myself to consider this an exercise, or just another report from just another random Order member. But it was neither of those things. It was Severus, the little boy I had coaxed to an E on his NEWT, the young man who had overcome more than anyone else, the man who had beat all the odds and become a functioning member of society. Despite myself, a shudder danced through my body. "Albus... Can you do nothing?"
"The Legilimens is risky enough, Minerva, but Severus could easily explain that away. If I healed his wounds or did anything to ease his anguish, Voldemort would sense it. He would know. And Severus would not simply be tortured, but killed."
"Can I do nothing?"
Albus smiled softly and rested his hand on my face. As always, his touch sent a bit of a shiver through me. Power radiated off his very skin, deceptively papery with age. "You can be his friend, Minerva."
"I am his friend."
"I know you are," Albus smiled. "Let him know, too. Never let him forget."
He left shortly after that conversation, exhausted from casting the Legilimens, and I removed my journal. I have written this account from the desk in my guestroom, guarding Severus's fitful sleep. I promised to protect him. I promised to make him happy. I fear now that I have failed him, that perhaps the world has failed him, and that he is too frightened to say anything about it. The poor lad. The poor, darling lad.
I have never felt so helpless in all my days, and I blame He-Who-Must- Not-Be-Named for that. No matter what we do, no matter how hard we fight, he only becomes more powerful. I swear that for every person we save, he tortures and kills five more. And all I can bloody do is sit here and watch one of his victims fight with nightmares- because the nightmares are all we have left now.
A/N: This is a quasi-companion piece to "Interlude" and "Asking the Question," but it could also stand alone.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
It started out as a routine patrol of the grounds. Somehow, the other teachers had convinced themselves that I had to take my turn walking through the halls and along the borders of the Forest all night. In all honesty, I hardly minded. I would never have been able to sleep, anyway. It's foolish, I know, but with everything happening in the outside world, I have felt this horrible, encompassing guilt for cloistering myself in the safety of Hogwarts. It grated on me when I tried to sleep.
Pulling my cloak more tightly around my shoulders, I walked out of the building. The first true snowfall of the year was just beginning to fall, slow, languid flakes trickling down.
I heard him before I saw him, a scraping noise as someone clawed at the trunk of a tree. Whispered incantations in a familiar voice. Horrified, I hurried across the field to just inside the tree line.
He looked awful. Pale, bloody, and shaky, Severus was struggling to stand and ripping off a great deal of skin from his fingertips in the process. I approached him anxiously, forcing myself to remember the training we'd had in the Order, how to deal with torture victims.
I began to speak slowly from where I stood. "Severus? Severus, love, can you hear me? Do you know where you are? Can you tell me what happened? Severus?"
"M-Min...?"
"Yes." I hurried across the expanse between us, knelt beside him, and took his hands in mine. "I have you. You're safe."
"Min... Min... Minerva, I..."
"It's all right, Severus, my dear child. You're safe. I'll take you up to Albus; everything will be-"
Panic flittered across his features. He withdrew against the tree, beginning to shake in earnest. "No, please... please, not... not tonight. Not tonight, I can't..."
"What can't you do, child?"
"He'll make me show him, and... I know it's selfish, but... I can't relive it... so soon..."
"Severus, Albus needs to know-"
"I don't want him in my mind. Minerva, not tonight, please," Severus whispered. The last time I heard anyone so frightened was during the last war, and it certainly wasn't about spending time with Albus.
I realized, of course, that Albus would not have appreciated my undermining his orders, particularly in regards to the War. However, one night could hardly hurt in the long run. I sincerely doubted that Albus could garner anything from Severus in such a state anyway, so I said, "All right. All right. It's all right. I'll take you to my chambers; he won't look for you there. I have an extra room. It's small, but it's warm. I promise I won't tell him, child."
"Promise?" He echoed softly, nervously.
"That's right, Severus. I promise."
He wrapped his fingers around my hands, and when I helped him stand, he leaned against me gratefully. I helped him walk into the castle. I helped him climb up the steps and into my darkened chambers. Together, we lit only one small candle. Severus smiled at the light, at me, obviously grateful. I guided him into the guest room and tucked him into the twin bed. His feet dangled over the end, until he curled into a tiny ball, burying his head among the pillows. I sat on the bed beside him. I ran my fingers through his hair; they came away covered in blood.
Revulsion rose in me, but I knew better than to let him see it. Taking a deep, steadying breath, I said, "Draco spent my entire class today making eyes at Abigail O'Connell. You know her, don't you? She's in Ravenclaw, very long, auburn hair and green eyes? She and Draco worked together on their independent study project last term; they had the highest grade in the class."
"He told me," Severus rasped.
Just as I was about to laugh at him, someone knocked on my doors. The smile fell off Severus's face. I murmured, "It's probably just one of my students. They are prone to nightmares lately, especially the very young ones."
Thus saying, I left the room. Without asking who was there, I opened the door, expecting to see a bleary eyed child with a bathrobe haphazardly fastened around him. Instead, in purple velvet robes and half-moon spectacles, the Headmaster stood with a tragic look in his eyes. "Albus?"
"Is Severus with you, Minerva?"
He spoke with such wretchedness that it took me a rather ungraceful moment to realize that his question required a response. I murmured, "Yes, he is, but he is rather outside himself at the moment."
"I must see him," he said. To my shock, he wandered into my chambers. Could he not have waited for an invitation? I had never seen him in such a decrepit mood. He swept through to my guestroom; I followed close behind him.
When he came into the room, Severus was half-asleep and half- unconscious, so it took him a long moment to realize that Albus had come. Then, slowly, he focused on the Headmaster's face, and he strove to rise. He failed miserably, collapsing against the bloodstained pillows.
"S-sir, I... I didn't mean..." Severus spoke. And though his voice was more lucid than it had been in the forest, it made me pray for his former confusion. He sounded so lost, so frightened. I watched him struggle for breath and eek out, "I didn't do it to disobey you. Please."
He was always so strong, had always been, no matter what happened, how it affected him, anything. I respected him for that. Sometimes, I worried about him because of that. Never as much as I do right now.
Albus sat on the edge of the bed and rested his hand on Severus's face. Immediately, Severus's eyes slammed shut and his shoulders went utterly rigid, but he did not withdraw. It was much later that I realized that he knew better. Withdrawing would suggest opposition, and opposition would warrant more punishment.
"You know I can be gentle," he said, sounding quite near tears. "I cannot make it pleasant, but it can be a means through which I help you."
"Please... don't send me away. Please."
"If you do not wish to be sent away, you must heed me," Albus said. He did not sound truly angry; he sounded like a tolerant father chiding an errant child. "You must obey me without fail, without question, in every regard. That way, I can take care of you when you need me to. That way, you can remain here, where you will be safe."
Fervently, frightened, Severus vowed, "I will. I will obey you, Master, I swear it."
I had heard him call Albus "Master" before, absolutely unconsciously. I felt Albus stiffen; he had always hated that Severus saw such a correlation between him and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. But he hid his disappointment. "Why did you not come to me, Severus? What happened tonight?"
Severus whispered, "So tired... So- so much pain... Master, I'm sorry..."
Albus recommenced stroking the blood-matted hair, unheeding of the sticky crimson that stained his fingers. Comfortingly, he said, "I know, child. I could simply perform the spell. Is that what you want?"
"Don't want... But... Do what you think is best," Severus's voice scraped angrily against his throat.
"You may sleep when I have finished," Albus promised.
With a smile obviously meant to appease the Headmaster, Severus nodded. Raising his wand, Albus said, "Legilimens."
I had never actually seen someone under that particular spell; the few people able to perform it hardly run about performing it with an audience. Severus's eyes slammed shut. His body went completely rigid as he spasmed, as though frightened of some invisible force in the room. He retched; half-digested food and flecks of blood poured onto my floor, and he slumped back on the bed.
I averted my eyes.
When I dared to look back at the bed, they sat together, Severus trembling desperately in Albus's consoling arms. Horror haunted the Headmaster's eyes, and though I loved Albus more than anyone in the world, I would not, for anything, share that burden. He was whispering, "You did well" and calling Severus "my little one, my beloved child" over and over.
"...Won't be... punished...?"
"Hush, no, of course not," Albus replied. "You will not be punished. You've done nothing wrong. You will not be harmed unduly while you are under my care."
"I try, Master..."
"I am proud of you, Severus. You have made me proud," Albus calmed. "Minerva and I are here. We will not allow harm to befall you."
Steeling my Gryffindor courage, I took a step closer to the bed and murmured, "Albus is right, Severus. We are here for you. Just tell us what you need."
"Sleep?" Severus asked so hopefully that I wanted to cry. His life had come to the point that he most looked forward to sleep and that he felt he needed Albus's permission for it. "May I? Have you... finished?"
Albus whispered, "Yes, my beloved child. Sleep now. Merlin knows you have earned it. You needn't take your meals in the Hall tomorrow; I will see that they are brought here for you. Would you like that?"
Weakly, Severus nodded. This was glorious dispensation for him, I knew; more than anything, Severus hated spending time in social settings with large groups of people. He sagged against Albus, his eyes flittering shut, and soon, pure exhaustion overtook him. Albus realized when consciousness and left him and, carefully, the Headmaster laid the lad against the pillows on my guest bed. With practiced care, Albus draped the quilts over him.
"Would you mind terribly if he spends tomorrow here, Minerva?" Albus asked as if it was a legitimate question. "He feels comfortable around you."
"It is no trouble, Albus," I murmured, horrified, staring at the prone figure of my former student.
"Minerva..."
"Is it always this bad?"
Shaking his head, Albus gently led me from the room. He closed the door behind him and cast several wards to alert him, should Severus require tending in the night. "Though tonight was by no means the worst it has ever been, it is unusually bad. Severus often avoids Voldemort's ire altogether, for he is a favored son. As such, however, his failures are punished all the more harshly."
"I see," I replied. I tried to force myself to consider this an exercise, or just another report from just another random Order member. But it was neither of those things. It was Severus, the little boy I had coaxed to an E on his NEWT, the young man who had overcome more than anyone else, the man who had beat all the odds and become a functioning member of society. Despite myself, a shudder danced through my body. "Albus... Can you do nothing?"
"The Legilimens is risky enough, Minerva, but Severus could easily explain that away. If I healed his wounds or did anything to ease his anguish, Voldemort would sense it. He would know. And Severus would not simply be tortured, but killed."
"Can I do nothing?"
Albus smiled softly and rested his hand on my face. As always, his touch sent a bit of a shiver through me. Power radiated off his very skin, deceptively papery with age. "You can be his friend, Minerva."
"I am his friend."
"I know you are," Albus smiled. "Let him know, too. Never let him forget."
He left shortly after that conversation, exhausted from casting the Legilimens, and I removed my journal. I have written this account from the desk in my guestroom, guarding Severus's fitful sleep. I promised to protect him. I promised to make him happy. I fear now that I have failed him, that perhaps the world has failed him, and that he is too frightened to say anything about it. The poor lad. The poor, darling lad.
I have never felt so helpless in all my days, and I blame He-Who-Must- Not-Be-Named for that. No matter what we do, no matter how hard we fight, he only becomes more powerful. I swear that for every person we save, he tortures and kills five more. And all I can bloody do is sit here and watch one of his victims fight with nightmares- because the nightmares are all we have left now.