Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Warner Brothers or any of the sundry things I might mention

To who ever finds this diary (a post script and forward of sorts inscribed in the inner cover):

Hello! My name is Emily Stanton and I am the author of this diary. If you are a future historian I hope this is the one manuscript from this era that survived the volcanic eruption or what not. While lacking in substance at times I'm sure you will find it very useful in learning about what things were like in the late 20th century and all that rot.

If I knew you, I hope I liked you. Even if I'm dead I don't wouldn't like to think someone I didn't like was riffling through my things. If I didn't know you I guess you should read it, it's pretty interesting really.

So beloved reader I hope you enjoy my diary and can forgive me when I rant on incessantly.

August

22, August, 3:05, in my room,

My mother gave me this diary as a birthday present, telling me that I should record my thoughts because it might help me sort out some of the difficult issues I am facing. Well if she thinks I'm writing in this thing every day she's dumber then I thought. I mean I'm seventeen years old now, I'm bursting with woman hood and far to busy to keep a diary.

I should be out partying until the wee hours, having passionate romances with muscular Italian men and not keeping a damn diary right? Besides, I read Harriet the Spy; if you keep a diary people can read it! And tell all your friends what you REALLY think of them.

But that's not how mum sees it so this was her birthday present. Not that I was expecting much. Honestly, you'd think that we'd never met with the things she gets me! But it seemed an awful waste not writing anything in your blank pages so there you go, treasure your one entry forever.

22, August, 3:35, still in my room

I know I swore never to write in you but this is too much for a single person to cope with and Lily is at her grandparents, a residence I do not have the number for.

So here goes, I plunge forward into the awful truth...My parents think I am a lesbian.

I am in shock. I swear to god, they came in and sat down on my bed while I was reading with that somber regretful look. "Emily, your father and I have something we need to ask you." My mum said softly, in that tone of voice she used to tell my grandmother died.

"Yeah?" I asked, still mostly entranced in my book.

"But we want you to know that whatever happens, we still love you." My dad chimed in.

I lowered my book. What were these idiots babbling about now? "Yeah all right, I love you too. I'm at a good part of my book." I said bluntly.

"Well..." My mother started.

"It's like this..."

"We were just wondering if..."

"Well not really wondering more of..."

"Will you guys just spit it out?" I interrupted knowing that if I let them they could do this for hours and then I'd never finish my book.

"Lesbian." My mother said quickly and then clasped her hands to her mouth as if she had just uttered a disgusting swear word.

"Well mum, that's really your decision isn't it." I told her. "But I do want dad to have partially custody, now may I please finish my book?"

"No, we thought you were a lesbian." My dad said quickly.

"WHAT?" I shrieked. "What in God's name would make you think that?"

"Well you've never had a boyfriend or anything, you don't wear normal clothes and all those violent movies and music, we just figured..." Mum trailed as she realized what my indignation might mean. "Does this mean you aren't a lesbian dear?"

"Of course I'm not a lesbian." I said vehemently.

They both looked highly embarrassed. "Well that's good." My dad said.

"Now could you get out and let me finish my book or did you want to ask me anything else horribly ridiculous and personal?" I asked sharply. Well they fled but after that it wasn't as if I could finish my book.

A lesbian! My parents think I'm a bloody lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that at all or anything just...you know what does that say about my love life? It doesn't exist that's what!

22, August, 3:45, my room,

Just got off the phone with Lily.

"Did you get your Hogwarts letter?" She asked. "It's funny. They sent it to my grandparents house and...."

I cut her off. "My parents think I'm a lesbian."

And you know what she did? She laughed! Like it wasn't the most embarrassing thing in the whole world! I hung up on her!

But she called me back. "Sorry Ems but it's just so funny to think of your parents trying to ask you that." She said, sounding serious (and not bloody laughing any more).

Then she started talking about her horrible sister Petunia's latest boyfriend (Vernon something or other, who cares). "Do I give off a lesbianish vibe?" I asked right in the middle of her rant about Vernon's complete lack of neck.

"Oh will you drop the lesbian thing?" She sounded exasperated.

"DO I GIVE OFF A LESBIAN VIBE?" I repeated, louder this time.

"No. You don't. Parents are just stupid I wish you'd just forget it." She sighed.

Lily says she looked it up and I am compulsively obsessive, (and I have a mild case of paranoia) which that means that I fixate on small things but this isn't SMALL it's HUGE! "Then do you think that I am abnormally non-effeminate?" I asked.

"I wouldn't be the one to ask. Remember, I'm the one who kicked Robert Burnett in the shins hard enough to make him cry for saying that girls couldn't play Quidditch." She said.

"But do you think that or not?" I begged.

"No I don't."

But I can't trust Lily, she's crazy.

22, August, 5:32, in my room again,

Chairman Meow (my darling albeit huge cat) and I have just finished The Godfather for what has got to be the billionth time. I bet Michael Corleone wouldn't think I was a lesbian.

10 important life lessons I have learned from Al Pacino movies:

1) It is never a good idea to stop on the Causeway without your security, there is always a chance people with machine guns might pop out of the ticket-collector boxes.

2) Never get in a car meant for Al Pacino

3) Slashing your wrists is a really gross way to kill yourself

4) If you say Hail Mary's when you're fishing you catch more fish

5) Never, under any circumstances, show someone affiliated with the Mafia your prize horse, especially if you're just going to piss them off later

6) Al Pacino is the only person in the world who can kill cops and get away with it

7) You fuck with the family and you're dead

8) It's not personal, it's business

9) Don't get Robert DiNiro kicked out of his job

10) If Al says he won't kill you he's lying. If you have to ask, you're so dead

23, August, 12:17, my room

My mother (the slave driver) woke me up at the ungodly hour of nine o'clock to do household work. Work! I ask you! I mean the summer is slipping through my fingers as we speak and she wants me to do chores? Is she mad? I think so. But she's on this new super-efficiency kick where we get up early and work to enrich our lives with the so-called "job-well-done" feeling when really all we do is suffer.

I managed to elude her by calling up Mad Auntie Cathy (who by the way doesn't think I am a lesbian- I asked- but then again she is crazy) and tricking her into thinking she wanted to speak to mum about something. Then when she took the call I slipped up to my room.

I feel kind of bad about using Auntie Cathy like that but it's not like she couldn't take a break from counting the massive collection of canned tomatoes she has to help out her favorite niece right?

Anyway so here I am and I have to spend the rest of the day up here now because if I go back down mum will remember she wanted me to help.

23, August, 1:26, the kitchen

Something really horrible has happened. My mother has invited Auntie Cathy to come visit us! Is she mad as well? Apparently, either that or she had forgotten that since Cathy is loony she lives with Auntie Margaret and Uncle Harry they'll be coming too. And they, by the way, have hated me since I hit their beloved daughter Rosie in the face with a tennis racket in the third grade (it's a long story).

And to cap it off Rosie is this sneaky, under handed weasel who everyone loves because she's super smart and a magical genius and completely gorgeous to boot. My parents also don't seem to realize that Rosie is an anomaly and not me because they're forever comparing the two of us.

And this is all so not how I wanted to spend the rest of my summer. The horribly ironic thing is that if I hadn't called up Auntie Cathy I could have enjoyed a completely relative free rest of the summer.

Point and match to life.

24, August, 3:37, the livingroom

Auntie Cathy more loony then I remember. This morning when the whole lot of us went out for brunch she sat next to me and kept asking me to raise and lower my menu at random intervals during the meal and then ducking down below the table. Probably the only reason I'm her favorite niece is that I entertain her crazy delusions.

In other news Cousin Rose is even more obnoxious then I remember but maybe that's only because she is STAYING IN MY ROOM. Could my parents get any crueler? As if it wasn't bad enough that I have to putting up with her all year at Hogwarts isn't bad enough they have to make me hang out with her too? And when she caught me reading Lady Chatterly's Lover she goes, "what are you doing?"

"Reading." I said (as if it weren't obvious).

"What are you reading?" She asked.

"Lady Chatterly's Lover." I said, my voice distant and annoyed.

"Is it any good?" She asked.

I shrugged. "I wouldn't know. I'm just reading the dirty bits." I said, just to shock her (and possibly quash the rumors that I am of a homosexual orientation).

It worked better then I had hoped, she looked so scandalized I half expected her to cross herself and begin praying for my soul right then and there. But all she said was, "I'm not sure that is entirely proper." Does she have no hormones?

My parents are trying to get me to hang out with her too, probably in hopes that some of her brilliance will rub off. "Sure dad," I said, "as long as we go somewhere where she's not allowed to speak and there is no remote possibility of running into someone I know."

He didn't see the humor in this.

24, August, 3:10, my room

I have been confined to my room for "subverting" (my father's word, not mine) my cousin's strong morals. And all I thought I did was listen to a few tapes while she was in the room. Admittedly they were a little raw in content and sound but it's not like he didn't know that's what I like. And I certainly wouldn't have let her if I'd known she was just going to tell my parents I had a LP with the F-word on it.

I swear, the most humiliating thing my father does is pretend he's smarter then me. I mean just because I'm the gray, if not black sheep of my family doesn't mean I'm stupid. I can speak well enough when the occasion arises but unlike a certain parent I know I don't abuse my vocabulary to make myself sound smarter.

25, August, 1:28, my room,

This morning when I was taking my cereal bowl to the sink after breakfast, trying to block out the noise of my Uncle still lecturing me in his boxers from the table (something about how inappropriate it was for children our age to be considering sex), when out of the fucking blue sky Rosie comes in the front door closely followed by Sirius Black!

Sirius Black! The most handsome, charming, sexy and sought after man at Hogwarts! In my kitchen! With my cousin! My sickly sweet, annoying, perfect, gorgeous cousin! I was so surprised I tripped on the cuff of my too big pajama pants and down in an ungraceful heap, dropping my bowl, smashing my chin, biting tongue and even managing to split my lip somehow.

"Emily! Are you all right?" My mum asked, rushing over to help my up.

I just made an utter idiot out of myself in front of the most popular boy in the whole fucking school and she wants to know if I'm all right? "I'm fine mum." But I'm not sure she believed me because as I said I wiped my mouth on the sleeve of my shirt and nearly soaked it in blood.

And to make things worse I saw Rosie snickering at me. Ok, Ok, admittedly I am klutzy but we can't all be perfect. And just because I'm not really as nice as I could be to her and I told her I didn't care last night when she told me that the Sex Pistol were anarchists when she caught me listening to Nevermind the Bullocks is no reason for her to mock me. She's got everyone fooled into thinking she's so saintly but I know better.

This whole fiasco is totally unfair because I have been trying to get Sirius' attention since I realized that his best friend James Potter lived right down the street from me and that seems to be where Sirius is during the summer more often then not but nothing has fucking worked.

I guess I should have expected this, I mean after all this is Rosie we're talking about: beautiful, smart and lucky Rosie. And I have seen them talking at school but COME ON! They couldn't possibly have anything in common (you know, OTHER then freakish good looks).

But you never know, I mean, for all I know Sirius Black is quiet the little bastard. The only thing I've heard about him is that he's great in bed from practically every girl in my dormitory (most of whom probably know first hand). I didn't even get to see his reaction to my completely eating it because my mum and dad crowded around me to quickly, waving fingers in my face and generally freaking out.

Not only that but on top of all this humiliation my demented father took me to the emergency room (being a muggle he doesn't really trust magic) just because my tongue wouldn't stop bleeding and had this quack of a doctor give me stitches. ON MY TONGUE! And while all these injustices were happening to me my evil cousin was probably kissing my crush IN MY ROOM.

I wish I were Al Pacino, because if I were I would have had Rosie killed by now.

25, August, 7:47, my room,

Well I still can't talk without sounding like a complete idiot, think about this morning's humiliation or eat most solid foods but Lily apparated over to cheer me up and I am feeling a lot better. But I would be sorely disappointed if I wasn't, considering all the painkillers they gave me in the hospital.

My family tried to draft the two of us into some sort of picnic Brady bunch Bull shit (admire my sexy, sexy alliteration) but in the chaos surrounding the preparations we were able to slip out unnoticed to the kooky local theater for back to back showings of two Fred Astaire movies.

"Do you think I should kill myself?" I asked, after explaining the events that landed me in the hospital as we walked back to my house. Only it came out sounding something like "Oo you fink I oould 'ill iself?" But Lily had become very adept at translating my mangled English.

Lily snorted. "Not over any friend of James Potter." She said.

"But it's not even about my having a crush on him. It's about...well, I dunno, the extreme humiliation I suppose." I said in my mangled way again.

"No. I don't think you should kill yourself." She said rolling her eyes.

"You know I bet this kind of thing that makes everyone think I'm so weird. That and the fact that the only boyfriend I ever had was completely psycho." I said glumly, or as glumly as you can get with so much painkiller in your system.

"I bet they're just scared of being rejected." She said stoutly.

I laughed, she sounded like my mum would if I ever discussed things like this with her (and she didn't think I was a lesbian). "No Lil, that's the reason they stay away from you. They stay away from me because I'm weird."

And it's totally true, the boys are scared of Lily rejecting them and I can't blame them; she is completely beautiful: all flaming red, curly hair, big, gorgeous green eyes and a killer figure. Now I'm not totally hideous but I can't hold a candle to Lilly.

My hair is Ok, it's kind of shinny but too straight and brown to be really interesting, my eyes are green but not an emerald or sea foam shade, just a sort of olive or army color, my bone structure is okay I suppose and I don't ever get fat no matter what I eat. But really I'm only average looking.

"I'll never deny that your weird luv but I have it on good authority that you're really quiet sexy." She said with a smirk, slapping playfully at my ass.

"And people think I'm a lesbian." I grumbled.

I know Lily was just trying to make me feel better about making an ass out of myself in front of the sexiest man ever (except maybe Paul McCartney when he was like twenty) and the stitches in my tongue but it worked anyway.

Except now I'm back to being depressed because my parents were mad I skipped out on their little picnic thingy and have revoked my "going out" privileges until the end of the hols.

Fucking Fascists.

26, August, 1:58, livingroom,

Top 5 Most Annoying Things about Cousin Rosie:

1) She is way preachy

2) She looks like a super model

3) My parents prefer her to me

4) She stole my crush

5) She has the most appalling taste in movies

6) No one but me knows how mean she really is

Was just forced by my sadistic cousin to watch some worthless sappy romance. And she complained about me reading Lady Chatterly? I am feeling unclean, going to take a shower. We could have watched Jaws but oh no, no we had to watch that garbage. And on top of all that she's all like, "Sirius this" and "Sirius that." Yeah the guy is a hunk but can we talk about something new?

Note to self: If in some freak chance have a guy interested in me, don't be obnoxious about it

26, August, 5:17, livingroom

Good thing I didn't waste the day sitting around with my cousin Rosie otherwise I might be really pissed off.

27, August, 7:52, my room,

Went shopping for my school supplies today (read: my cousin dragged me all over Diagon Alley with her annoying friends). Nothing to report really except a massive headache.

No wait, I lie, I did see Sirius again. Though not for very long, see, Rosie and I were in Flourish and Blotts when he came in to talk to her but luckily I was on the other side of the store and was able to duck down behind a rack of merchandise before he spotted me.

I wonder if she told him that I'm a lesbian.

28, August, 3:37, in the car,

Just dropped all my relatives off at the train station. Yippee! Three whole, glorious days of privacy and then its back to my dormitory. When I get back I am going to celebrate by dressing down to just my skivvies and bra to curl up with Chairman Meow and watch Jaws.

28, August, 5: 21, my room,

I think I scared poor Meow because at the part where Jaws is ramming into the underwater cage thing I accidentally grabbed him a little to tightly out of nerves. But he's calmed down now and very affectionate because I nicked him a whole can of tuna.

Maybe I should put him on a diet, he's now about twice the size of any regular cat and if he had a little kitty heart attack I would never forgive myself. Do they make kitty work out videos?

29, August, 11: 48, my room,

Normally around this time I would be panicking over all the homework I forgot to do but during Cousin Rosie's visit I had a lot of time where I (sadly) had nothing better to do then my homework but my parents don't know that so they keep bugging me to do it.

I swear to god these people having nothing between their ears. "I finished my homework." I tell them and then twenty minutes they're all like, "shouldn't you be working on your homework Emily?" I don't know why I even try anymore.

Do you have any idea how annoying it is to be surrounded by completely morons? Considering you are a diary I doubt it.

I need to get a hobby, or pretty soon I'm going to be like Auntie Cathy. And I don't even like canned tomatoes.

29, August, 3: 49, my room,

You know that feeling where you know something big is going to happen to you soon? Me either.

29, August, 3: 55, my room,

Did you know that the Swiss have the highest suicide rate in the world? I mean they have a way high standard of living and the beautiful back drop of Alps so why are they all slashing their wrists? Apparently the hills aren't really alive with the sounds of music.

29, August, 4:05, my room,

Lily is sick. She just called me sounding all depressed and stuffy to tell me that she probably wouldn't be on the train. I bet she was faking just to make me have to deal with the two Chrises on my own. Now don't get me wrong, I love both Chrises and would trust them with my life but sometimes it seems like all they ever do is fight.

Chris Farius and Chris Smith are I guess the other half of our click but they are as different as they could possibly be (thus all the fighting). Chris F. (the only male in our group) is loud, rambunctious, flamboyant, a compulsive flirt and completely homosexual.

Christ S. is the quietest of our group and if truth be told a bit of a tag along: not as wild, not as weird and certainly not as willing to bend any rules as far as the rest of us. I'm not sure why but it always seemed like the two Chrises were not part of Lilly's and my inner circle, that they would always hover outside our bond just slightly.

You know, they were never the first ones to know any secret, they were always the first ones to go to sleep and I don't think they saw me cry half as many times as Lilly. And I for one am not really looking forward to dealing with the traditional pre-term row on the train.

You'd think they thought it was bad luck not to have a massive fight on the train the way they go at it.

30, August, 12: 32, my room,

Mum is bugging me to pack. Fuck her, I've got the whole day tomorrow, now I'm much to preoccupied with sitting on my ass.

30, August, 2:41, the hall closet,

Hiding from mum. Determined not to pack today. Am amusing myself by looking through the shoeboxes of old shit that never got thrown out. Have found some really wicked stuff.

Wicked stuff I found in the Hall Closet:

One fencer's foil

Old photo albums of me peeing in the front lawn and the like (why my parents chose those moments to whip out the camera I'll never know)

The ubiquitous bird cage

An old hunting rifle

30, August, 3:01, hall closet,

10 Sexiest Guys Ever:

1) Paul McCartney (age 21)- good looking and with a sexy, sexy voice: what more could you ask for? I mean this guy wrote Yesterday!

2) Sirius Black- just take my word for it, he is sexy at its best

3) Al Pacino (age 21)-attractive in that dark, Mafia sort of way. Kind of like 'I could kill you in a heart beat if I wanted to but I never would because I'm bound by Sicilian honor and I love you'

4) James Bond (Sean Connery)- Facing danger at ever turn, licensed to kill and a god in bed.

5) James Dean- the original bad ass

6) Farhamir (Lord of the Rings)- Just like Borimir only better!

7) James Hook (Peter Pan)- Once you get around the whole evil and handless thing he's really quiet a hunk! Escalation

8) That guy I once saw on the Subway Escalation - I never knew reading a magazine could be so erotic

9) Sir Percy Blakeney (Scarlet Pimpernel)- Mysterious, honorable and downright sexy

10) Dirty Harry (Dirty Harry)- This is sort of sick I know, but I can't help it

10 and 1/2) Luke Skywalker (Starwars)- Bereft, powerful and psychologically abused: you'd think he'd be suicidal or possibly completely insane and evil but no, he's damn sexy

30, August, 3:56, the roof,

Mum found me and sent me to my room to pack but made the heinous mistake of not following me to make sure I did it and she'll never find me here! And even if she knew exactly where I was I know for a fact that she isn't small or limber enough to get up here. It's perfect!

Or it would be if those stupid neighbor kids would quit throwing rocks at me and the sun weren't directly in my eyes and I wasn't so hungry and it wasn't so god damn boring up here.

And the worst part is that I have nothing to throw back at the kids. Why do people insist of reproducing? All kids do is whine, complain, throw rocks at innocent bystanders and then grow up and blame all their problems on you.

30, August, 6: 37, the roof, still,

Found a bunch of some kind of hard nut caught on a flat space of the roof and chased the kids off with a volley. Yeah, that's right, run you little fuckers! And then I fell asleep on the roof.
I'm a lawsuit waiting to happen.

31, August, 2:18, my room,

Well I stuck by my convictions and triumphed over evil. Or at least put off packing for a day. God am I stupid, now I wish I had done it yesterday. I mean it's two o'clock and I'm only half done!

Why did I put this off so late?

31, August, 10:45, my room,

I can't find my lucky knickers! This is a catastrophe! I will never make it through the term without them! I woke both my parents up but they just don't seem to grasp the seriousness of the situation. This is the conversation that transpired when I careened into their room at ten o'clock.

Me: Mum! Dad! Wake up! I can't find my lucky knickers!

Mum: Eweormumff

Me (grumpy): Get up this is important!

Dad: What do you need?

Me (frustrated): I need you to get up!

Mum: Why? It's got to be past ten.

Me: I can't find my lucky knickers! And if I don't have them my term will be ruined!

Dad: You have lucky knickers?

Me: Yes! They're the ones with the Sex Pistols on them!

Dad (even more confused): You have knickers with the Sex Pistols on them?

Me: YES!

Dad: Well where are they?

Me: I DON'T KNOW! WHY ELSE WOULD I BE WAKING YOU UP? I DO HAVE SOME SORT OF LOGIC TO THIS! THIS ISN'T MY IDEA OF FUN YOU KNOW!

Mum: Just calm down Emily, it's not that big a deal

Not that big a deal? NOT THAT BIG A DEAL? If I don't find these my life will never be the same. What will I on those days when the shit hits the fan before you even get up? I'll have to suffer in silence, alone and forsaken without the mystical power of my knickers to get me through it intact!

I'll never make it! The school will send me home to my parents in a matchbox!

Me (exasperated): Oh why do I even bother with you people?

And since then I have turned my room upside down looking for them! Where the hell could they be? Maybe Cousin Rosie stole them...but she would never touch them for fear that their devilry would wear off on her. Maybe a bird flew in my window...I'm talking nonsense.

31, August, 12: 43, my room,

Found my knickers. I had already packed them.

I hate me.

AN: Hello luvs! Reviews are yummy, please send them to me!