Wonderwall
By tearsofher
Disclaimer: don't own characters, just the plot.
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thank you to all of you, of course. For reading this story, for reviewing, for willing to be swept into my hopeless romantic daydreams of Draco and Hermione. I hope this has affected you in a positive way, as it did to me.. I had a great time writing it, and I hope you all had a great time reading it, also. Thank you, and please review. I want to know what you think.
I'm afraid to say that this is finally the end...
But the end is the beginning for some.
Until next time,
-tearsofher.
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I Won't Say Goodbye
The exams stressed out everyone, making sure their wands were ready although there couldn't possibly anything wrong with them. Students were always in the library, with piles of books in front of them. And needless to say, students were also crammed in the common room, trying to get as much information into their heads as they possibly could.
Of course, Hermione also spent a majority of her time studying, up to her neck in books. But she had a different reason, besides being able to pass their final exams for the year. Studying was her solace, a sort of corrupted and broken solace. She hadn't seen Draco over the past week, because she had been avoiding him, but she knew he was avoiding her too. In class they didn't look at each other, not even a glance.
She didn't know how painful suffering of a broken heart could be, until now. Especially since she had been the one to cause it for both of them.
She felt so alone, so angry with herself, so sad and guilty. She knew she should have told him sooner.. But what good would have that done? It couldn't possibly lessen the pain, could it? She would still have to leave.
Leave this extraordinary place.
She sighed, as she raised her gaze to above the book. She looked around her room. Thick, red curtains shielding the sunlight from pouring in, lavish and comfortable furniture. She put down her book, as she observed her surroundings, for the first time since she had come in here in the beginning of the year. She realized how badly she would miss staring up at her ceiling, taking baths in their Prefect bathrooms. She was going to miss Hogwarts dearly. She had practically grown up here; she knew she couldn't guess the feeling of wanting to be back here, once she was out in the muggle world again. Someday she knew that she would long to come back here terribly, no matter how successful she would turn out to be. It wasn't going to be the same. Nothing could. Hogwarts had been such a major part of her life, and now.. She was leaving. She was done. She was gone.
She remembered when she had told Harry and Ron, about her plan for the future. How she wouldn't be able to come back. She remembered the look of sadness in Ron's deep blue eyes, as she wrapped her arms around him, and told him that she would miss him, no matter how many arguments they had had through the years. And she remembered, as she untangled herself from her red haired friend, she turned to Harry. He was smiling at her, solemnly. She looked at him, and smiled as she gave him a big hug, closing her eyes as she felt his strong, lean arms around her. She knew she would always remember the feeling Harry gave her; safety, security. And as she pulled back, she thought she had seen something flicker in Harry's eyes, although it was too fast to read, or recognize. He smiled at her, his emerald eyes dark and still cloudy, as he held her hand tightly.
"You'll be back. I know it," was what he had said to her, grinning. She smiled back at him, although unsure of what he meant. Did he really know she was going to come back? How was he so sure? She didn't ask, as she just tried to treasure this moment. She knew these might be her last days to ever see her two best friends.
She knew she would have trouble leaving, far more than anyone else. They would be living in the wizarding world, occasionally running into old classmates and having coffee or lunch. Who could she run into in the muggle world? Harry had told them his plan of staying here, in Sirius's house. He had asked her if she wanted to stay there with him, since he said it was going to be quiet lonely, even with Ron agreeing to live with him for a while. She was saddened by his decision to stay here, but happy for him. She knew he felt as if he belonged in the wizarding world, and all the people he loved were here. He didn't have a good reason to go back. Hermione wished she didn't have a good reason to go back either, and envied Harry, one way or another. But she did have reasons; her parents. She couldn't bear to break their hearts. That would be too cruel. After all, they had agreed for her to come to Hogwarts, hadn't they? She held disappointment deep down for her parents, and felt as if she had been let down, although she would never admit it to anyone's face. Not even her own. But she had thought that when they had let her come to Hogwarts, they were already prepared to let her go. It was perfectly reasonable. To her, at least.
She wanted them to let her go. She was old enough. Old enough to make her own decisions, do whatever she had or wanted to do. Didn't they trust her? Maybe once upon a time they did, or maybe they did, still. But from her view of all of this, it seemed it wasn't enough.
Maybe she should've owled them that night, when Draco had stormed off. She should've written to them and told them she regretted saying yes, and that she was so happy here. That she had found someone to love, someone to spend the rest of her life with. Maybe they would've understood, maybe they would've let her stay and be with Draco. Maybe then things wouldn't be this way. Maybe things wouldn't have to end this way.
Maybe then Draco and her would still be together, enjoying their last days at Hogwarts.
Maybe.
But seeing those pictures, and her parent's happy letters, so excited and glad to have her coming back.. She couldn't. She didn't want to imagine the look on their faces if she told them she wanted to stay. She didn't want to imagine hearing the deafly silence that seemed to suffocate everything around her, when she sent the letter off. She didn't want to imagine their reply. If they would ever speak to her again.
She didn't want to break their hearts. It had already been so hard for them to send her to Hogwarts, as happy as they were. She told herself to try and put herself in their shoes for a bit, whenever that overwhelming guilt took over, when she thought of Draco. Thinking that she would never see him again after this. It worked, or rather, it tried to dominate, but it never could.
She knew it never would.
She remembered staying up one night, staring outside through her window. She remembered thinking, wondering where she would be, five years from now. Maybe even a year from now. She wondered if she was going to be happy, have a steady boyfriend, have a wonderful job. She wondered if she was ever going to be happy as she was when she was here, with Harry, Ron, and Draco, in Hogwarts. She tried to see herself years from now, if she would still be staying up at night, looking up at the moon and wondering.
Wondering how things would be so different if she had stayed. How happy she would be, if she was still with Draco. They might've been married already, even. If she would consider agreeing to her parents as the worst mistake in her life. Because she was, right at this moment. She didn't know if she was just thinking of herself when she had agreed, and that breaking her parents hearts was just a lame excuse to try and shift the heavy weight on her heart. Maybe she was, just being selfish. But wouldn't she also be selfish if she had told them she was going to stay?
Her mind was so confused, so frustrated at every crushing thought she had about leaving, about staying. She suddenly realized she was crying, tears pouring down her cheeks, her vision so blurry and blotched with blotted colors. It felt as if her heart was breaking down under the immense amount of pressure, her lungs almost bursting. She realized she was so angry with herself, for waiting this long, therefore not being able to tell her parents. For hurting Draco, as much as herself. She had done this. Done all of it. It wasn't her parents' fault, it wasn't Draco's. It wasn't anybody else's but hers. She covered her face with her hands, sobbing, her body trembling and wavering. She could taste the salty, bittersweet tears in her mouth, just reminding her of how much it hurt inside. She hadn't felt anything like this before. Heartbreak. Never as much as this. Her sobs shattered the stillness and quietness of her room, her gasps for air so deep and penetrating. She could feel her heart ripping, hearing the splintering sound of it shattering and crumbling, vanishing to the endless pit of her stomach that seemed to be cutting in deeper. The pain was unbearable, slicing through her like a fierce, bitter, icy wind that numbed all her senses and nerves so painfully. Her hands were sticky with her hot tears, her eyes puffy and red from the outpour. It was so hard to tell herself that everything was going to be alright when she knew better, when she knew it was a lie. Trying to convince herself would surely kill her, just the attempt alone.
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She smiled, as she saw her fellow classmates happily smiling and laughing, diploma in hand. She knew only those who could see right through her mask could tell she wasn't happy about leaving at all. But the honest truth was, she didn't know who could see right through her anymore. Her parents had come, so happy and so glad that it made her cringe. She felt sick to her stomach, from all the smiling and acting as if she was glad to be leaving, but at the same time, sorry to be departing from such a place that held so many memories, happy and sad. She wanted to stay, needed to stay.
But didn't have the heart to say it.
Hogwarts held a special ceremony for them, the headmaster also allowing the younger years to come, if they wanted to. She remembered, trying to smile, but was breaking deep inside, as she headed up to receive her diploma. The headmaster's blue eyes twinkled with such pride, as he shook her hand firmly but meaningfully. And as she looked around at the people who clapped and whistled, particularly Harry, Ron, George and Fred- who were invited to come, feeling that her smile was true for one mere second, looking around at her peers who were smiling with such determination, and happiness. She walked down to return to her seat, feeling the once again the crushing reality crash down on her, as their loud applause, shouts and whistling faded, but still echoed in her mind.
She remembered seeing Draco up there, his face seemed blank, and expressionless, shaking the headmaster's hand and being handed his diploma. She remembered the loud cheers, whistling and applause, especially coming from the Slytherins, but was surprised to see that his eyes were dark and cloudy, no sign of a smile or even a smirk spreading through his features. In fact, she saw that his eyes were hard and cold, just like before. She remembered hearing her heart break even more, as she knew that he only looked that way before, back to the days of calling her a filthy mudblood who didn't deserve to walk in the halls of Hogwarts. And, for one second, she saw him look at her, her heart's rhythmic beating halting for a split second. His eyes were steely, dark, but he didn't look at her with such hatred. In fact, she could've recalled that he looked at her with sadness and longing.. Regret. But then the applause rushed back to her ears, and he quickly looked away, walking down from the stage. He didn't look at her for the rest of the ceremony.
She stared, the gentle breeze kissing her skin. She recognized how everyone's eyes seemed to be sparkling with such delight, the corners of their mouths curved into such a wide smile. She heard their laughter, as she saw them embrace and exchange addresses and such. She hadn't realized Harry had walked up beside her, and was observing the scene also, and her reaction.
Harry looked at her, his green eyes trying to search her expression. Her eyes were dark, and he saw no sign of relief or happiness. He was worried, as he hadn't seen her this quiet or solemn, especially at such an event that required celebrating and fun. He looked out into the crowds of joyful people, and pressed his lips into a thin line. He suddenly knew why she was acting the way she was, why her smile seemed so strained all throughout the day. She didn't want to leave. But he knew, as she had told them about her plans, he remembered she called them 'her parents' plans.' Not hers. She didn't' want to leave Hogwarts. But then again, none of them did. But of course this was harder on her, since he recalled her saying she wouldn't be coming back. He knew how sad and over whelming that was, considering they had spent most of their lives here. He knew what it was to miss something, or someone badly. His heart was still throbbing, underneath everything that had gone on. He hadn't told her that he loved her, and for now, he wasn't planning to. It wasn't the sort of thing she could hold on to, and what he needed for her to be right now, was to be honest, and at least a little bit happy.
"Fantastic, isn't it?" He asked her quietly. She turned to look at him, but turned her gaze back to the sight. He continued, "being up there. On that stage. It's exhilarating. I don't think there's anything like it."
"No, I guess there isn't," she answered, her voice as soft as a whisper.
"Hermione.. I know you don't want to leave," he said, watching her. He saw something flicker in her deep brown eyes.
"You can always come back, don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
She looked at him, her eyes sad. "It's really a matter of moving on, Harry," she said. "And leaving is the first step."
"That doesn't mean leaving everything."
"Well then, what does it mean? Because Harry," she sighed. "I don't know what to do. I honestly don't have a clue."
"Do what your heart tells you, what you really want to do."
"It seems.. It's not clear, to me, Harry. I don't want to break my parents' hearts," she said, looking over at her parents who were talking to Professor Dumbledore.
"But what about yours?"
She smiled faintly. "It already is."
"There's always a way to mend it, somehow. You just have to be brave and risk it."
"I thought you already knew, Harry. I'm a coward. You were the hero. We were only there to urge you on."
"That's not true. You're not a coward, Hermione. And you and Ron are just as much of a hero as I am."
Hermione sighed, as she looked up at Harry and smiled faintly. "I'm going to miss you, Harry," she said softly, and Harry wrapped his arms around her.
He hugged her close, tightly, and he was afraid he was never going to be able to let go. He didn't want to tell her that it hurt him more than it should, to know that she was leaving. He closed his eyes, inhaling the scent of her skin, and the scent of her hair that always seemed to make him feel light-headed. Hermione held onto him firmly, also.
"I'm going to miss you too, Hermione," he said to her. He pulled back, and she smiled at him. He smiled back at her, his green eyes twinkling faintly. He looked at her, fully, trying to memorize the curves of her face, the way her brown eyes seemed to pierce into him. Although he knew she was already engraved into his mind, his heart.
There, there was Hermione Granger. The first girl he ever loved.
He grinned at her, chuckling lightly. "I'm going to miss you like hell."
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Hermione had packed up her bags, her suitcases and school supplies, although she knew she wouldn't have such as an important use for them anymore. She sat in the train compartment, with Harry and Ron, for they insisted she sit with them since it would be her last train ride with them. She sat quietly, looking out the window, although everything was whizzing by too fast to see. She felt at peace, almost, with the slight rip of sadness. She bottled up everything she felt, for now. It wasn't fair for her to be like that, when she should be enjoying every last bit of time she would have with her two best friends. She was, but the honest truth was that she had been thinking about a certain silver-gray eyed boy who captured her heart, not too long ago.
And how he still held it in his hands, although they were so fragile and easy to break. Maybe he thought that there was no hope for them to be together, but she thought otherwise. If it was really true love, if their love was really strong enough, they would find a way.
But then she remembered that whole thing was a myth. Could love really break through anything? Anything at all? So far it seemed it was just a legend.
It almost brought her to tears again, thinking about him, but she held it back with struggle, as she knew better than to cry in front of her two friends. They would ask her what was wrong, and to be honest, she didn't want to explain. She didn't want to tell them she was suffering of a broken heart, that she felt like she was being mashed underneath the heavy mask she was wearing. Minute by minute, second by second, it became heavier.. She didn't know how she was going to keep it up.
She didn't realize that she had lulled off to sleep, the thought of Draco's piercing eyes scarred in her mind.
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Hermione felt someone shaking her awake, as she stirred. She opened her eyes, slowly, and saw that it was Harry who was waking her. She sat up, and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, still weary. He was grinning at her.
"It's time. We're here."
Hermione headed off to the bathroom first, trying to freshen up. She splashed icy cold water on her face, sending chills through her body. The lights seemed too bright, as she looked at herself. Dark, sad brown eyes. Solemn expression. She sighed, as she turned off the faucet and wiped her hands. She headed out.
She walked through the corridor, slowly. She dragged her finger along the side of the wall, trying to memorize the feel of the material underneath her skin. She stopped, and looked around, standing in front of the Prefect compartment. The sliding door was still shut, and she couldn't hear a single sound in the room. She stared sadly at the door, remembering their train ride at the beginning of the year. Her and Draco.
Suddenly she felt those tears coming back again, but held them back. Even if she knew no one else was here anymore, she didn't want to cry. She hastily wiped them away, sighing, a ragged breath escaping from her mouth. She gave the door one last look, as she turned away to head to the station and meet her parents. It was time to go home.
But It didn't feel like going home. It felt like leaving home.
Suddenly, in mid step, she heard the compartment door slide open. She froze, as her eyes wandered to the door. She felt her heart stop.
Draco saw her, and felt as if his lungs were being restricted again. His chest felt heavy, compressed tightly. His heart was beating so fast and hard that it hurt, the butterflies that he had become so familiar with returning. They both stared into each other's eyes, trapped. He saw the pain in her eyes, regret. He found it hard to gulp down, as he watched her turn her gaze away. He remembered this. This scene. It replayed in his mind dozens of times last summer.
The light from the sunbeams outside shone around her like she was angel, her brown eyes seeming lighter, but dark at the same time. Her hair spread down her shoulders, silky and wavy. His heart yearned to touch her, to hold her, to kiss her. He still couldn't believe she was leaving. She was leaving. And never coming back.
"What are you still doing here?" She asked quietly, her soft voice ringing so loudly and hauntingly in his ears.
"I fell asleep," he said to her. There was silence, as neither of them could find anything to say, although millions of thoughts and demands echoed through their minds. Hermione spoke, sending the silence shattering.
"I really am sorry, Draco," she said, her eyes pleading into his own. He could feel her gaze melting everything inside of him, like the sun's beams on a frosty winter day.
"I hope.. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.. Someday." Draco stayed silent, lost in her eyes. He wanted to tell her to stay, that he needed her. That he loved her more than anything. That he couldn't bear losing her, letting her leave. But he couldn't, as he felt as if something was strangling his heart, his mouth getting suddenly dry and parched.
Hermione sighed, mentally pleading for him to say something. Anything. But as seconds passed, and he hadn't uttered a single word, she could feel that sharp hint of tears sting her eyes again.
She looked at him, and Draco felt as if she was looking into his soul.
"I won't say goodbye," he whispered to her, and she felt her heart buckle, dropping bit by bit. She nodded, her vision getting blurry. She raised her gaze to his again, and whispered her reply.
"Goodbye," she said, and she looked at him one last time, before heading down the corridor and out the train. Draco stared after her, even after her retreating back was gone, but left every single trace behind. He swallowed hard, as he clenched his hands, closing his eyes.
He knew he couldn't let her leave. Not like this. He didn't want her to go. He loved her. He couldn't let her walk away. After a few minutes of contemplating, he opened his eyes, and bolted down the corridor. He ran out the train, and out into the masses of people in the station. He searched through the crowd, trying to find her.
"Hermione!" He called out, but his calls were drowned out by the yells and laughter by his fellow Hogwarts students around him. He pushed through people, running as fast he could, calling out her name although he knew it was useless. But he couldn't give up hope. He couldn't. It was the only thing that he had left, besides his love for her. He reached platform 9 ½, and ran through it, out of breath as he searched the muggle train station. His lungs felt as if they were going to explode, as he panted, looking for a brown haired girl. He stood up, and turned, looking in every direction for any sign of her. None. He sighed, and let out a strangled and frustrated yell, as nearby people looked at him in confusion, and curiosity. He sighed, angrily. He could feel the crushing defeat deep inside him, his heart shattering. His hands felt cold, clammy, as he felt as if he couldn't breathe any longer. He tried to shallow his breaths, satisfy his lungs, but it was no use. His eyes stung, frustrated. He had let her walk away. He had let her leave.
She was gone.
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Hermione sighed as she sat on her bed, looking around. Her room seemed smaller to her, somehow. Her eyes wandered over to the suitcases and bags at the end of her bed. She hadn't packed them away, or even looked through them. She had tried, but it was just too painful. Maybe she would, one day when she finally found it in herself to move on. It had just been a week into the summer, and she wasn't feeling any better about leaving Hogwarts at all. Sure, she had seen all her relatives again, and seen her parents' smiles so wide and their laughter so hearty.
She didn't know hearing their laugh, or seeing their smiles could be so heart breaking.
She had tried to be happy, she did. With all that she had in her. But it wasn't enough. It could never be enough. Those nights she stayed awake, staring out her window. The moon would be full sometimes, the milky, glowing moonbeam spilling on her carpet floor. It brought back so many memories, but they all drove her to tears once again. They always did, nowadays. She thought it would lessen the vast load on her heart, but it never did. She didn't think it ever could.
She had gone shopping, bought some new clothes.. But that didn't satisfy her. Everywhere she went, everything she saw, it just reminded her of the wizarding world, and how it was so different. She hadn't been so unhappy in her life.
She collected a ragged breath, as she leaned back on her bed, the soft cushion molding against her. They felt cold, in this dark room. Her parents had gone off to work, and she was alone, in this house. It seemed so unfamiliar. The shadows in her room lurked, but not in the way she had grown accustomed to. Even the air seemed to be different.
She had never felt so homesick.
She missed Harry, and Ron, and Hogwarts.. Draco. So badly that she couldn't stand it. Sometimes she saw herself packing up and running away.. Just leaving a mere note to her parents saying where she had gone, and where she was staying. Which would be at Sirius's old house with Harry, of course. She gave it much thought, even counted how much money she left. She actually considered running away.
It made her guilty, somehow, for that would only rip her parents' hearts apart even worse than staying. She had never thought about these things before, running away, what to write on the note that would be her goodbye.
But she knew that it just wouldn't be fair. Her parents didn't know what she had to give up, what and who she had to leave. She didn't tell them. She knew she should've, and could've.. But everything just overwhelmed her so much. She just didn't know what to do anymore. She had played along with the fake happiness and charade, and she didn't know if she could keep it up. How could she? Her heart was being beaten and hammered, piece by piece crumbling down to the pit of her stomach.
At least what was left of it.
She heard the rain pounding on the roof, tapping on the windows. It made a rhythmic beating, as she just closed her eyes and listened, trying to imagine what it would feel like to be out in such a wet and hard storm such as this. She tried to see herself outside, the sky dark and endless, icy drops of rain pelting her skin, feeling as if they were piercing her skin. The bitter air would wrap around her, dominating against the warmth she once felt, tasting nature's tears in her mouth. The freezing drops would send a deathly chill throughout her body, and she would feel as if they numbed her soul.
Just then she heard the doorbell ring, as she quietly sat up and got off the bed, her thoughts about the rain polluting her nerves, slowly fading into the background. She got out of her room, the house so dark and quiet, her footsteps light on the carpeted floor. She went down the stairs, as she walked to the door. She unlocked it with a simple wind of the lock, and twisted the knob. She opened the door, and was met with a sight that made her heart come to a sudden halt.
Hermione felt as if every single nerve in her body had started bursting frantically, but at the same time, numb with absolute shock. She felt her hand drop from the knob, as it sprung back into place. The cold air struck her body, but she didn't notice. The sound of the rain became louder, the fresh air of the night invading her nose. But she couldn't hear it, or smell it.
There, the boy who she longed to see but at the same time broke her heart when she saw him, was standing on her doorstep. Draco Malfoy. She didn't know if she was even breathing anymore.
He was looking into her eyes, his piercing silver eyes searing into her soul, making the world around them fade. He was drenched, soaked from head to toe in the icy rain, his skin deathly pallid. He had his cloak on, but it was sodden. His hair fell across his face, drops of rain running down his features. He still managed to take her breath away.
"Draco.." She whispered, in awe and shock. This was all so surreal. It had to be a dream, it just had to be. He had gone all this way here, just to see her. She couldn't believe it.
He stared at her intently, and swallowed hard. He was shivering, freezing cold, but seeing her again made it all disappear. Her deep, brown eyes made him feel as if he was absolutely numb, but feeling the most intense and deepest feelings in the world. His heart pounded in his chest, his nerves buzzing and tingling.
She was so beautiful. He didn't know what made him come here, but he thought about her the whole way. So this was where his hope, and determination drove him.
This was where his love for her drove him.
"I told you I wasn't going to say goodbye," he said to her, softly. And almost slowly, but quickly at the same time, she was in his arms again, his lips on hers. The chilly dampness of him pressed against her skin, as his hands held her again.
He kissed her, passionately and intensely, as he held her close, his soaked skin and clothes dampening the thin fabric of her shirt, and chilled her skin. She raised her hands and entwined them in his hair, as he deepened the kiss, holding her even closer. Hermione felt everything swirl around her, the world and rain suddenly vanishing. The sound of the downpour around her was faint, as it faded. She could taste raindrops on his lips, as she could feel some kind of white, holy fire building up inside of her, thriving. They slowly ended the kiss, as they pulled back.
Draco grinned at her, his dark silver eyes sparkling. His hands seemed to be scorching her skin, as they framed her face. Her heart was beating so loudly, pounding in her chest. He leaned in, for another kiss, their lips barely touching, the smile on his face slowly becoming faint, as he looked into her eyes.
"And I don't mean to."
By tearsofher
Disclaimer: don't own characters, just the plot.
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thank you to all of you, of course. For reading this story, for reviewing, for willing to be swept into my hopeless romantic daydreams of Draco and Hermione. I hope this has affected you in a positive way, as it did to me.. I had a great time writing it, and I hope you all had a great time reading it, also. Thank you, and please review. I want to know what you think.
I'm afraid to say that this is finally the end...
But the end is the beginning for some.
Until next time,
-tearsofher.
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I Won't Say Goodbye
The exams stressed out everyone, making sure their wands were ready although there couldn't possibly anything wrong with them. Students were always in the library, with piles of books in front of them. And needless to say, students were also crammed in the common room, trying to get as much information into their heads as they possibly could.
Of course, Hermione also spent a majority of her time studying, up to her neck in books. But she had a different reason, besides being able to pass their final exams for the year. Studying was her solace, a sort of corrupted and broken solace. She hadn't seen Draco over the past week, because she had been avoiding him, but she knew he was avoiding her too. In class they didn't look at each other, not even a glance.
She didn't know how painful suffering of a broken heart could be, until now. Especially since she had been the one to cause it for both of them.
She felt so alone, so angry with herself, so sad and guilty. She knew she should have told him sooner.. But what good would have that done? It couldn't possibly lessen the pain, could it? She would still have to leave.
Leave this extraordinary place.
She sighed, as she raised her gaze to above the book. She looked around her room. Thick, red curtains shielding the sunlight from pouring in, lavish and comfortable furniture. She put down her book, as she observed her surroundings, for the first time since she had come in here in the beginning of the year. She realized how badly she would miss staring up at her ceiling, taking baths in their Prefect bathrooms. She was going to miss Hogwarts dearly. She had practically grown up here; she knew she couldn't guess the feeling of wanting to be back here, once she was out in the muggle world again. Someday she knew that she would long to come back here terribly, no matter how successful she would turn out to be. It wasn't going to be the same. Nothing could. Hogwarts had been such a major part of her life, and now.. She was leaving. She was done. She was gone.
She remembered when she had told Harry and Ron, about her plan for the future. How she wouldn't be able to come back. She remembered the look of sadness in Ron's deep blue eyes, as she wrapped her arms around him, and told him that she would miss him, no matter how many arguments they had had through the years. And she remembered, as she untangled herself from her red haired friend, she turned to Harry. He was smiling at her, solemnly. She looked at him, and smiled as she gave him a big hug, closing her eyes as she felt his strong, lean arms around her. She knew she would always remember the feeling Harry gave her; safety, security. And as she pulled back, she thought she had seen something flicker in Harry's eyes, although it was too fast to read, or recognize. He smiled at her, his emerald eyes dark and still cloudy, as he held her hand tightly.
"You'll be back. I know it," was what he had said to her, grinning. She smiled back at him, although unsure of what he meant. Did he really know she was going to come back? How was he so sure? She didn't ask, as she just tried to treasure this moment. She knew these might be her last days to ever see her two best friends.
She knew she would have trouble leaving, far more than anyone else. They would be living in the wizarding world, occasionally running into old classmates and having coffee or lunch. Who could she run into in the muggle world? Harry had told them his plan of staying here, in Sirius's house. He had asked her if she wanted to stay there with him, since he said it was going to be quiet lonely, even with Ron agreeing to live with him for a while. She was saddened by his decision to stay here, but happy for him. She knew he felt as if he belonged in the wizarding world, and all the people he loved were here. He didn't have a good reason to go back. Hermione wished she didn't have a good reason to go back either, and envied Harry, one way or another. But she did have reasons; her parents. She couldn't bear to break their hearts. That would be too cruel. After all, they had agreed for her to come to Hogwarts, hadn't they? She held disappointment deep down for her parents, and felt as if she had been let down, although she would never admit it to anyone's face. Not even her own. But she had thought that when they had let her come to Hogwarts, they were already prepared to let her go. It was perfectly reasonable. To her, at least.
She wanted them to let her go. She was old enough. Old enough to make her own decisions, do whatever she had or wanted to do. Didn't they trust her? Maybe once upon a time they did, or maybe they did, still. But from her view of all of this, it seemed it wasn't enough.
Maybe she should've owled them that night, when Draco had stormed off. She should've written to them and told them she regretted saying yes, and that she was so happy here. That she had found someone to love, someone to spend the rest of her life with. Maybe they would've understood, maybe they would've let her stay and be with Draco. Maybe then things wouldn't be this way. Maybe things wouldn't have to end this way.
Maybe then Draco and her would still be together, enjoying their last days at Hogwarts.
Maybe.
But seeing those pictures, and her parent's happy letters, so excited and glad to have her coming back.. She couldn't. She didn't want to imagine the look on their faces if she told them she wanted to stay. She didn't want to imagine hearing the deafly silence that seemed to suffocate everything around her, when she sent the letter off. She didn't want to imagine their reply. If they would ever speak to her again.
She didn't want to break their hearts. It had already been so hard for them to send her to Hogwarts, as happy as they were. She told herself to try and put herself in their shoes for a bit, whenever that overwhelming guilt took over, when she thought of Draco. Thinking that she would never see him again after this. It worked, or rather, it tried to dominate, but it never could.
She knew it never would.
She remembered staying up one night, staring outside through her window. She remembered thinking, wondering where she would be, five years from now. Maybe even a year from now. She wondered if she was going to be happy, have a steady boyfriend, have a wonderful job. She wondered if she was ever going to be happy as she was when she was here, with Harry, Ron, and Draco, in Hogwarts. She tried to see herself years from now, if she would still be staying up at night, looking up at the moon and wondering.
Wondering how things would be so different if she had stayed. How happy she would be, if she was still with Draco. They might've been married already, even. If she would consider agreeing to her parents as the worst mistake in her life. Because she was, right at this moment. She didn't know if she was just thinking of herself when she had agreed, and that breaking her parents hearts was just a lame excuse to try and shift the heavy weight on her heart. Maybe she was, just being selfish. But wouldn't she also be selfish if she had told them she was going to stay?
Her mind was so confused, so frustrated at every crushing thought she had about leaving, about staying. She suddenly realized she was crying, tears pouring down her cheeks, her vision so blurry and blotched with blotted colors. It felt as if her heart was breaking down under the immense amount of pressure, her lungs almost bursting. She realized she was so angry with herself, for waiting this long, therefore not being able to tell her parents. For hurting Draco, as much as herself. She had done this. Done all of it. It wasn't her parents' fault, it wasn't Draco's. It wasn't anybody else's but hers. She covered her face with her hands, sobbing, her body trembling and wavering. She could taste the salty, bittersweet tears in her mouth, just reminding her of how much it hurt inside. She hadn't felt anything like this before. Heartbreak. Never as much as this. Her sobs shattered the stillness and quietness of her room, her gasps for air so deep and penetrating. She could feel her heart ripping, hearing the splintering sound of it shattering and crumbling, vanishing to the endless pit of her stomach that seemed to be cutting in deeper. The pain was unbearable, slicing through her like a fierce, bitter, icy wind that numbed all her senses and nerves so painfully. Her hands were sticky with her hot tears, her eyes puffy and red from the outpour. It was so hard to tell herself that everything was going to be alright when she knew better, when she knew it was a lie. Trying to convince herself would surely kill her, just the attempt alone.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
She smiled, as she saw her fellow classmates happily smiling and laughing, diploma in hand. She knew only those who could see right through her mask could tell she wasn't happy about leaving at all. But the honest truth was, she didn't know who could see right through her anymore. Her parents had come, so happy and so glad that it made her cringe. She felt sick to her stomach, from all the smiling and acting as if she was glad to be leaving, but at the same time, sorry to be departing from such a place that held so many memories, happy and sad. She wanted to stay, needed to stay.
But didn't have the heart to say it.
Hogwarts held a special ceremony for them, the headmaster also allowing the younger years to come, if they wanted to. She remembered, trying to smile, but was breaking deep inside, as she headed up to receive her diploma. The headmaster's blue eyes twinkled with such pride, as he shook her hand firmly but meaningfully. And as she looked around at the people who clapped and whistled, particularly Harry, Ron, George and Fred- who were invited to come, feeling that her smile was true for one mere second, looking around at her peers who were smiling with such determination, and happiness. She walked down to return to her seat, feeling the once again the crushing reality crash down on her, as their loud applause, shouts and whistling faded, but still echoed in her mind.
She remembered seeing Draco up there, his face seemed blank, and expressionless, shaking the headmaster's hand and being handed his diploma. She remembered the loud cheers, whistling and applause, especially coming from the Slytherins, but was surprised to see that his eyes were dark and cloudy, no sign of a smile or even a smirk spreading through his features. In fact, she saw that his eyes were hard and cold, just like before. She remembered hearing her heart break even more, as she knew that he only looked that way before, back to the days of calling her a filthy mudblood who didn't deserve to walk in the halls of Hogwarts. And, for one second, she saw him look at her, her heart's rhythmic beating halting for a split second. His eyes were steely, dark, but he didn't look at her with such hatred. In fact, she could've recalled that he looked at her with sadness and longing.. Regret. But then the applause rushed back to her ears, and he quickly looked away, walking down from the stage. He didn't look at her for the rest of the ceremony.
She stared, the gentle breeze kissing her skin. She recognized how everyone's eyes seemed to be sparkling with such delight, the corners of their mouths curved into such a wide smile. She heard their laughter, as she saw them embrace and exchange addresses and such. She hadn't realized Harry had walked up beside her, and was observing the scene also, and her reaction.
Harry looked at her, his green eyes trying to search her expression. Her eyes were dark, and he saw no sign of relief or happiness. He was worried, as he hadn't seen her this quiet or solemn, especially at such an event that required celebrating and fun. He looked out into the crowds of joyful people, and pressed his lips into a thin line. He suddenly knew why she was acting the way she was, why her smile seemed so strained all throughout the day. She didn't want to leave. But he knew, as she had told them about her plans, he remembered she called them 'her parents' plans.' Not hers. She didn't' want to leave Hogwarts. But then again, none of them did. But of course this was harder on her, since he recalled her saying she wouldn't be coming back. He knew how sad and over whelming that was, considering they had spent most of their lives here. He knew what it was to miss something, or someone badly. His heart was still throbbing, underneath everything that had gone on. He hadn't told her that he loved her, and for now, he wasn't planning to. It wasn't the sort of thing she could hold on to, and what he needed for her to be right now, was to be honest, and at least a little bit happy.
"Fantastic, isn't it?" He asked her quietly. She turned to look at him, but turned her gaze back to the sight. He continued, "being up there. On that stage. It's exhilarating. I don't think there's anything like it."
"No, I guess there isn't," she answered, her voice as soft as a whisper.
"Hermione.. I know you don't want to leave," he said, watching her. He saw something flicker in her deep brown eyes.
"You can always come back, don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
She looked at him, her eyes sad. "It's really a matter of moving on, Harry," she said. "And leaving is the first step."
"That doesn't mean leaving everything."
"Well then, what does it mean? Because Harry," she sighed. "I don't know what to do. I honestly don't have a clue."
"Do what your heart tells you, what you really want to do."
"It seems.. It's not clear, to me, Harry. I don't want to break my parents' hearts," she said, looking over at her parents who were talking to Professor Dumbledore.
"But what about yours?"
She smiled faintly. "It already is."
"There's always a way to mend it, somehow. You just have to be brave and risk it."
"I thought you already knew, Harry. I'm a coward. You were the hero. We were only there to urge you on."
"That's not true. You're not a coward, Hermione. And you and Ron are just as much of a hero as I am."
Hermione sighed, as she looked up at Harry and smiled faintly. "I'm going to miss you, Harry," she said softly, and Harry wrapped his arms around her.
He hugged her close, tightly, and he was afraid he was never going to be able to let go. He didn't want to tell her that it hurt him more than it should, to know that she was leaving. He closed his eyes, inhaling the scent of her skin, and the scent of her hair that always seemed to make him feel light-headed. Hermione held onto him firmly, also.
"I'm going to miss you too, Hermione," he said to her. He pulled back, and she smiled at him. He smiled back at her, his green eyes twinkling faintly. He looked at her, fully, trying to memorize the curves of her face, the way her brown eyes seemed to pierce into him. Although he knew she was already engraved into his mind, his heart.
There, there was Hermione Granger. The first girl he ever loved.
He grinned at her, chuckling lightly. "I'm going to miss you like hell."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hermione had packed up her bags, her suitcases and school supplies, although she knew she wouldn't have such as an important use for them anymore. She sat in the train compartment, with Harry and Ron, for they insisted she sit with them since it would be her last train ride with them. She sat quietly, looking out the window, although everything was whizzing by too fast to see. She felt at peace, almost, with the slight rip of sadness. She bottled up everything she felt, for now. It wasn't fair for her to be like that, when she should be enjoying every last bit of time she would have with her two best friends. She was, but the honest truth was that she had been thinking about a certain silver-gray eyed boy who captured her heart, not too long ago.
And how he still held it in his hands, although they were so fragile and easy to break. Maybe he thought that there was no hope for them to be together, but she thought otherwise. If it was really true love, if their love was really strong enough, they would find a way.
But then she remembered that whole thing was a myth. Could love really break through anything? Anything at all? So far it seemed it was just a legend.
It almost brought her to tears again, thinking about him, but she held it back with struggle, as she knew better than to cry in front of her two friends. They would ask her what was wrong, and to be honest, she didn't want to explain. She didn't want to tell them she was suffering of a broken heart, that she felt like she was being mashed underneath the heavy mask she was wearing. Minute by minute, second by second, it became heavier.. She didn't know how she was going to keep it up.
She didn't realize that she had lulled off to sleep, the thought of Draco's piercing eyes scarred in her mind.
++++++
Hermione felt someone shaking her awake, as she stirred. She opened her eyes, slowly, and saw that it was Harry who was waking her. She sat up, and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, still weary. He was grinning at her.
"It's time. We're here."
Hermione headed off to the bathroom first, trying to freshen up. She splashed icy cold water on her face, sending chills through her body. The lights seemed too bright, as she looked at herself. Dark, sad brown eyes. Solemn expression. She sighed, as she turned off the faucet and wiped her hands. She headed out.
She walked through the corridor, slowly. She dragged her finger along the side of the wall, trying to memorize the feel of the material underneath her skin. She stopped, and looked around, standing in front of the Prefect compartment. The sliding door was still shut, and she couldn't hear a single sound in the room. She stared sadly at the door, remembering their train ride at the beginning of the year. Her and Draco.
Suddenly she felt those tears coming back again, but held them back. Even if she knew no one else was here anymore, she didn't want to cry. She hastily wiped them away, sighing, a ragged breath escaping from her mouth. She gave the door one last look, as she turned away to head to the station and meet her parents. It was time to go home.
But It didn't feel like going home. It felt like leaving home.
Suddenly, in mid step, she heard the compartment door slide open. She froze, as her eyes wandered to the door. She felt her heart stop.
Draco saw her, and felt as if his lungs were being restricted again. His chest felt heavy, compressed tightly. His heart was beating so fast and hard that it hurt, the butterflies that he had become so familiar with returning. They both stared into each other's eyes, trapped. He saw the pain in her eyes, regret. He found it hard to gulp down, as he watched her turn her gaze away. He remembered this. This scene. It replayed in his mind dozens of times last summer.
The light from the sunbeams outside shone around her like she was angel, her brown eyes seeming lighter, but dark at the same time. Her hair spread down her shoulders, silky and wavy. His heart yearned to touch her, to hold her, to kiss her. He still couldn't believe she was leaving. She was leaving. And never coming back.
"What are you still doing here?" She asked quietly, her soft voice ringing so loudly and hauntingly in his ears.
"I fell asleep," he said to her. There was silence, as neither of them could find anything to say, although millions of thoughts and demands echoed through their minds. Hermione spoke, sending the silence shattering.
"I really am sorry, Draco," she said, her eyes pleading into his own. He could feel her gaze melting everything inside of him, like the sun's beams on a frosty winter day.
"I hope.. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.. Someday." Draco stayed silent, lost in her eyes. He wanted to tell her to stay, that he needed her. That he loved her more than anything. That he couldn't bear losing her, letting her leave. But he couldn't, as he felt as if something was strangling his heart, his mouth getting suddenly dry and parched.
Hermione sighed, mentally pleading for him to say something. Anything. But as seconds passed, and he hadn't uttered a single word, she could feel that sharp hint of tears sting her eyes again.
She looked at him, and Draco felt as if she was looking into his soul.
"I won't say goodbye," he whispered to her, and she felt her heart buckle, dropping bit by bit. She nodded, her vision getting blurry. She raised her gaze to his again, and whispered her reply.
"Goodbye," she said, and she looked at him one last time, before heading down the corridor and out the train. Draco stared after her, even after her retreating back was gone, but left every single trace behind. He swallowed hard, as he clenched his hands, closing his eyes.
He knew he couldn't let her leave. Not like this. He didn't want her to go. He loved her. He couldn't let her walk away. After a few minutes of contemplating, he opened his eyes, and bolted down the corridor. He ran out the train, and out into the masses of people in the station. He searched through the crowd, trying to find her.
"Hermione!" He called out, but his calls were drowned out by the yells and laughter by his fellow Hogwarts students around him. He pushed through people, running as fast he could, calling out her name although he knew it was useless. But he couldn't give up hope. He couldn't. It was the only thing that he had left, besides his love for her. He reached platform 9 ½, and ran through it, out of breath as he searched the muggle train station. His lungs felt as if they were going to explode, as he panted, looking for a brown haired girl. He stood up, and turned, looking in every direction for any sign of her. None. He sighed, and let out a strangled and frustrated yell, as nearby people looked at him in confusion, and curiosity. He sighed, angrily. He could feel the crushing defeat deep inside him, his heart shattering. His hands felt cold, clammy, as he felt as if he couldn't breathe any longer. He tried to shallow his breaths, satisfy his lungs, but it was no use. His eyes stung, frustrated. He had let her walk away. He had let her leave.
She was gone.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hermione sighed as she sat on her bed, looking around. Her room seemed smaller to her, somehow. Her eyes wandered over to the suitcases and bags at the end of her bed. She hadn't packed them away, or even looked through them. She had tried, but it was just too painful. Maybe she would, one day when she finally found it in herself to move on. It had just been a week into the summer, and she wasn't feeling any better about leaving Hogwarts at all. Sure, she had seen all her relatives again, and seen her parents' smiles so wide and their laughter so hearty.
She didn't know hearing their laugh, or seeing their smiles could be so heart breaking.
She had tried to be happy, she did. With all that she had in her. But it wasn't enough. It could never be enough. Those nights she stayed awake, staring out her window. The moon would be full sometimes, the milky, glowing moonbeam spilling on her carpet floor. It brought back so many memories, but they all drove her to tears once again. They always did, nowadays. She thought it would lessen the vast load on her heart, but it never did. She didn't think it ever could.
She had gone shopping, bought some new clothes.. But that didn't satisfy her. Everywhere she went, everything she saw, it just reminded her of the wizarding world, and how it was so different. She hadn't been so unhappy in her life.
She collected a ragged breath, as she leaned back on her bed, the soft cushion molding against her. They felt cold, in this dark room. Her parents had gone off to work, and she was alone, in this house. It seemed so unfamiliar. The shadows in her room lurked, but not in the way she had grown accustomed to. Even the air seemed to be different.
She had never felt so homesick.
She missed Harry, and Ron, and Hogwarts.. Draco. So badly that she couldn't stand it. Sometimes she saw herself packing up and running away.. Just leaving a mere note to her parents saying where she had gone, and where she was staying. Which would be at Sirius's old house with Harry, of course. She gave it much thought, even counted how much money she left. She actually considered running away.
It made her guilty, somehow, for that would only rip her parents' hearts apart even worse than staying. She had never thought about these things before, running away, what to write on the note that would be her goodbye.
But she knew that it just wouldn't be fair. Her parents didn't know what she had to give up, what and who she had to leave. She didn't tell them. She knew she should've, and could've.. But everything just overwhelmed her so much. She just didn't know what to do anymore. She had played along with the fake happiness and charade, and she didn't know if she could keep it up. How could she? Her heart was being beaten and hammered, piece by piece crumbling down to the pit of her stomach.
At least what was left of it.
She heard the rain pounding on the roof, tapping on the windows. It made a rhythmic beating, as she just closed her eyes and listened, trying to imagine what it would feel like to be out in such a wet and hard storm such as this. She tried to see herself outside, the sky dark and endless, icy drops of rain pelting her skin, feeling as if they were piercing her skin. The bitter air would wrap around her, dominating against the warmth she once felt, tasting nature's tears in her mouth. The freezing drops would send a deathly chill throughout her body, and she would feel as if they numbed her soul.
Just then she heard the doorbell ring, as she quietly sat up and got off the bed, her thoughts about the rain polluting her nerves, slowly fading into the background. She got out of her room, the house so dark and quiet, her footsteps light on the carpeted floor. She went down the stairs, as she walked to the door. She unlocked it with a simple wind of the lock, and twisted the knob. She opened the door, and was met with a sight that made her heart come to a sudden halt.
Hermione felt as if every single nerve in her body had started bursting frantically, but at the same time, numb with absolute shock. She felt her hand drop from the knob, as it sprung back into place. The cold air struck her body, but she didn't notice. The sound of the rain became louder, the fresh air of the night invading her nose. But she couldn't hear it, or smell it.
There, the boy who she longed to see but at the same time broke her heart when she saw him, was standing on her doorstep. Draco Malfoy. She didn't know if she was even breathing anymore.
He was looking into her eyes, his piercing silver eyes searing into her soul, making the world around them fade. He was drenched, soaked from head to toe in the icy rain, his skin deathly pallid. He had his cloak on, but it was sodden. His hair fell across his face, drops of rain running down his features. He still managed to take her breath away.
"Draco.." She whispered, in awe and shock. This was all so surreal. It had to be a dream, it just had to be. He had gone all this way here, just to see her. She couldn't believe it.
He stared at her intently, and swallowed hard. He was shivering, freezing cold, but seeing her again made it all disappear. Her deep, brown eyes made him feel as if he was absolutely numb, but feeling the most intense and deepest feelings in the world. His heart pounded in his chest, his nerves buzzing and tingling.
She was so beautiful. He didn't know what made him come here, but he thought about her the whole way. So this was where his hope, and determination drove him.
This was where his love for her drove him.
"I told you I wasn't going to say goodbye," he said to her, softly. And almost slowly, but quickly at the same time, she was in his arms again, his lips on hers. The chilly dampness of him pressed against her skin, as his hands held her again.
He kissed her, passionately and intensely, as he held her close, his soaked skin and clothes dampening the thin fabric of her shirt, and chilled her skin. She raised her hands and entwined them in his hair, as he deepened the kiss, holding her even closer. Hermione felt everything swirl around her, the world and rain suddenly vanishing. The sound of the downpour around her was faint, as it faded. She could taste raindrops on his lips, as she could feel some kind of white, holy fire building up inside of her, thriving. They slowly ended the kiss, as they pulled back.
Draco grinned at her, his dark silver eyes sparkling. His hands seemed to be scorching her skin, as they framed her face. Her heart was beating so loudly, pounding in her chest. He leaned in, for another kiss, their lips barely touching, the smile on his face slowly becoming faint, as he looked into her eyes.
"And I don't mean to."