Part one
Once upon a time, there lived The Boy Who Lived. His name was Harry Potter; he only had two friends. One was a boy name Ronald Weasley, he was ugly, red headed, and poor. The other was a girl named Hermione Granger. She was ugly, bushy haired, and ugly.
One day, they strayed too far past the Forbidden Forest.
"This must be the Realm of the Horse Lords, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell," Hermione exclaimed, eyeing the neon sign that said Realm of the Horse Lords.
Ron replied, "Gee, Hermione, you sure are smart!"
They immediately heard a voice saying, "They are taking the hobbits to Isengard."
Then all of a sudden, a loud song began to play. To their excitement it was the song that people like to run to. They had started to hear footsteps and shouting. Harry pulled out his wand and looked around. He saw three figures running over the hills in his direction. There were two tall people, and one short grumbling guy. The three magical friends stood their ground, but then to their surprise the tall blonde guy stopped and said, " A red sun rises, blood has been spilt this night."
Hermione choked back her laughter. Ron thought that this queer reminded him of Draco Malfoy. After that brief statement, they started to run again. So the wizards chased after them. Harry and his friends fell back when he saw the three runners had stopped to talk to a bunch of silly boys with horses and sticks. The hottest of the three yelled out, "Riders of Rohan. What news from the Mark?"
Hermione guessed that they talked for about 15 minutes, then they dashed to a pile of smoking black bodies.
Ron, Hermione, and Harry followed. The hot, brown haired, tall man started searching on the ground and found something that he had been looking for. He fell on his knees and belted out a very manly scream.
He started going on about hobbits rolling around, and being all tied up. Hermione pondered this for a while, and concluded that he must be kinky. Why else would he talk about bonding hobbits together?
While he was crawling around, Hermione noticed he looked quite kingly. When he stood up, her breath got caught in her throat. The sun was shining on him, and he had a mad gleam in his eye. He is no mere ranger, He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. She felt like she owed him her allegiance.
After that eardrum shattering display of emotion, they ran into the nearest forest, Hermione and friends followed.
"Bloody hell," exclaimed Ron. "Did you see that blonde guy, what a fruit.
Then Hermione added, "The other tall man, damn he fine! I'd like to bite off a piece of that."
"Yeah he was okay, but shit, the short one, he tickled my fancy," Harry said giggling and looking innocent.
Then they followed the three runners, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Legolas of the Gayland realm, and Gimli son of Groin.um.Gloin, into Fanghorn Forest. As they entered they saw the most disgusting sight; it was an old man standing there stark naked.
"EWWWWWWWWWWE HES SO WHITE!!!!," they yelled when they saw him. Legolas chuckled to himself and started to stroke a feather on his arrow, and said, "The White Wizard approaches." Aragorn turned around, hands on his sword, to face the old man. Legolas and Gimli kneeled in front of him, shocking Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Aragorn looked taken aback and demanded to know why he was there. He seemed awfully angry and said, "You fell.I pushed you.oh wait never mind.that was me."
Then they all talked for a while, and they learned his name was Gandalf. He had apparently smote the ruin of his enemy upon the mountainside, then died, then came back. He demonstrated the facial movements he made when he resurrected. They kind of reminded Harry of something else.
Then they all walked further into the forest, and Harry and his friends followed.
***
As Hermione, Ron, and Harry walked through the forest following the rugged god of a man, the poncy woman of an elf, and the waist height, fat of a dwarf. Harry decided that they were going to jinx the nancing one into oblivion. Ron nodded in agreement but Hermione frowned slightly, "But.he's blonde"
"Whatever," responded Harry. "Lets get jinkie with it!"
Ron jumped out from behind a tree and promptly yelled, "AYE! AVAST!"
The fruity one exclaimed in formal elf manner, " Yo bitch! That was my line."
At this Hermione yelled 'Cutinhalfify' and the she-male was cutted in half. Aragorn let out a manly yell and whipped out his manly.sword and poked them all until they left. Then Aragorn rode off into the sunset back to his 'Bit o' elf crumpet'. And Gimli rode off to find some manly dwarf women and Legolas' body was left to rot.
***
The blonde elf's dead body was lying on the ground, and all of a sudden a shimmering light appeared. And it miraculously connected the two halves of Legolas. He suddenly awoke, and opened his eyes. He cackled evilly and said, "Muahahahahahhahahahahahahahah, Lord Voldemort is back, very much alive."
Suddenly, "The Boy Who Lived, But Watched Legolas Die" felt a sharp pain in his forehead.
"God dammit," he said, "time to pop some more pills. Oh Ron and Hermione, by the way, Lord Voldemort is back.very much alive."
Ron and Hermione looked at him as if he was crazy, "have you been in the Gaffer's old brew again?"
Harry replied, "naw, I just jacked some pipe weed from my dear friend Frodo Luv-Shaggins."
They looked at him and said, "and who, might that be?"
"A tricksey hobbit," he answered. "He promised me he'd show me the pointy hat trick!"
Then he gallivanted away to go find this Frodo Luv-Shaggins. Angrily, Hermione turned and cursed Ron with 'Eyelashify. This caused Ron's eyelashes to grow 7 feet long.
"Oh no you di'int," he screamed as he pulled out his.wand. 'Assify'
Just as that was said, a beam of blue light shot out of his wand and hit Hermione's ass. It started to inflate, at first to the size of a beach ball, but then bigger and bigger until it looked like it would explode. Ron then broke out laughing. Amidst all this, they heard a noise, which sounded like someone apparating. They turned to see that Draco Malfoy did indeed apparate only a few feet away. Ron ran over to Draco, still holding his wand, and tripping over his eyelashes, and shoved it right in his face.
Draco sneered and said, "what are you going to do with that.shove it up my ass? Because you know, Weasley, I like that sort of thing."
"Okay wow. that's what normal people would call an 'over share'," Ron exclaimed.
"No need to get angry, I just heard that there was a poncy git with long eyelashes and a babe with a bodacious ass really worth tapping. I had hoped it to be Arwen and Haldir, but oh well, I'll take what I can get."
"Bugger off, Malfoy," said Hermione boldly.
"Ahh, yes, remind me why I have to take orders from a nappy haired bitch?"
She fell silent. And Draco sneered and chortled. (lol)
"Well, anyway, Harry is with Frodo. He says he is going to show him the pointy hat trick," explained Ron.
" I always knew Potter was gay. I must scamper off and tell my friends. They will all die when they hear this. 'The Boy Who Lived' now known as 'The Boy Who Takes It Up The Ass.' They will be delighted," squealed Malfoy.
***
As this was going on, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, or more formally known as Lord Voldemort, was looking down at the body he had possessed. He thought aloud, " Holy shit, why the hell did I possess a saucy wench." Then he took off his pants and looked down.
"FUCK! No congratulations to me."
***
So, as the reincarnated Legolas with a small 'weenus' tromped off after Harry, Ron, and Hermione. He thought to himself, "Well I mean its not that bad, thank god for Engorgement Charms." Then he heard a clicky noise and saw what was the cause.
"Gimli!?" he gasped. "What are you doing to that woodpecker!"
Gimli stuttered, "Oh..n-nothing. Its just a wisp of clouds."
Legolas/Voldemort replied, "Its moving fast, against the wind." Gimli shrugged and ran off after Aragorn.
Legolas continued walking and ran headlong into Draco, they both looked at each other blankly and thought, 'Damn, he ugly!'
Draco sneered, "And who are you?" As he thought to himself, 'Shit, does that poke bonnet come in pink?'
Legolas replied, " I am Vol. I mean." he thought to himself, crap! What is the flaming fag's name! Then it came to him and he started again, "Uh, yes, I am Legolas Weedsmoker, and you are?"
"Draco Malfoy" he replied.
"Perhaps you can tell me where Harry Potter is?" the Dark Lord asked.
"Oh, you mean Scarhead? Yeah, I just walked by him. What are you doing here? By the way, I am here for my weekly re-enactment of the green umbrella with Crabbe." But Legolas had already gone.
Legolas had apparated to Harry's bedside and was shocked to see Harry and Frodo Luv-Shaggins. "Dammmmmmn homie, you ARE sick!" he yelled. Frodo looked up and grabbed Harry's wand (his real wand not his .other wand) and yelled 'Hobbitify'
Then Legolas/Voldemort turned into a stupid, fat, hairy hobbit.
***
"Sod off, all of you," Voldemort in the hobbits body exclaimed. Then he turned around and unzipped his pants.
"Sweet Jesus, its normal again, but a little to hairy for my taste. 'Scroogeify"
Then Harry Potter whipped around and said, "I'm Harry, but I'm not hairy. My name has two meaning just like Sirius' name has two meanings. Sadly for you, my hairy friend, yours means 'I am gay' and 'I have a small mustaki. (lol)'"
Frodo then interjected, "love, he is no longer an elf, but he has been turned into a mirror image of my dear friend, and lover, Samwise Gamgee."
Harry gasped, and looked up, "But.Frodo, how could you. I thought we were going to be together forever. You are to be banishéd (ban-ish-ED) to the depths of Mordor."
Then all of a sudden a red eye appeared out of no where, it peered at Frodo, then to Harry, then back to Frodo. He telepathically blubbered to Frodo, "HOW DARE YOU. YOU CHEATED ON ME TWICE. I AM APPALED. I WILL SEND MY WRATH OF ORCS ON YOU. MUAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH."
Then Frodo grabbed his clothes and ran off. Harry now realized that he was alone with the hairy hobbit that used to be Legolas that really is Voldemort. And said to him, "well I better be off." And then he apparated without delay.
'Escaped from my clutches again, that dark haired boy did' thought Voldemort.
*crack*
Suddenly a green impish creature appeared by his side and said, "All of them, he has killed. Dead they are." And the he disappeared as quickly as he came.
The Dark Lord pondered to himself for a few moments. What the hell just happened there? Was that Yoda. And what idiot says 'I killed them all, they're dead'. Oh well, I must be off to murder my arch nemesis, Harry Potter.grr.. That sexy fiend. I must not be thwarted again. But first I must turn my self back into that tall blonde boy, he looked quite gay, in the least. But oh well, small weenus or not, he is still capable of seeing all the way to Isengard with his elf eyes.
***
Once upon a time, there lived The Boy Who Lived. His name was Harry Potter; he only had two friends. One was a boy name Ronald Weasley, he was ugly, red headed, and poor. The other was a girl named Hermione Granger. She was ugly, bushy haired, and ugly.
One day, they strayed too far past the Forbidden Forest.
"This must be the Realm of the Horse Lords, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell," Hermione exclaimed, eyeing the neon sign that said Realm of the Horse Lords.
Ron replied, "Gee, Hermione, you sure are smart!"
They immediately heard a voice saying, "They are taking the hobbits to Isengard."
Then all of a sudden, a loud song began to play. To their excitement it was the song that people like to run to. They had started to hear footsteps and shouting. Harry pulled out his wand and looked around. He saw three figures running over the hills in his direction. There were two tall people, and one short grumbling guy. The three magical friends stood their ground, but then to their surprise the tall blonde guy stopped and said, " A red sun rises, blood has been spilt this night."
Hermione choked back her laughter. Ron thought that this queer reminded him of Draco Malfoy. After that brief statement, they started to run again. So the wizards chased after them. Harry and his friends fell back when he saw the three runners had stopped to talk to a bunch of silly boys with horses and sticks. The hottest of the three yelled out, "Riders of Rohan. What news from the Mark?"
Hermione guessed that they talked for about 15 minutes, then they dashed to a pile of smoking black bodies.
Ron, Hermione, and Harry followed. The hot, brown haired, tall man started searching on the ground and found something that he had been looking for. He fell on his knees and belted out a very manly scream.
He started going on about hobbits rolling around, and being all tied up. Hermione pondered this for a while, and concluded that he must be kinky. Why else would he talk about bonding hobbits together?
While he was crawling around, Hermione noticed he looked quite kingly. When he stood up, her breath got caught in her throat. The sun was shining on him, and he had a mad gleam in his eye. He is no mere ranger, He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. She felt like she owed him her allegiance.
After that eardrum shattering display of emotion, they ran into the nearest forest, Hermione and friends followed.
"Bloody hell," exclaimed Ron. "Did you see that blonde guy, what a fruit.
Then Hermione added, "The other tall man, damn he fine! I'd like to bite off a piece of that."
"Yeah he was okay, but shit, the short one, he tickled my fancy," Harry said giggling and looking innocent.
Then they followed the three runners, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Legolas of the Gayland realm, and Gimli son of Groin.um.Gloin, into Fanghorn Forest. As they entered they saw the most disgusting sight; it was an old man standing there stark naked.
"EWWWWWWWWWWE HES SO WHITE!!!!," they yelled when they saw him. Legolas chuckled to himself and started to stroke a feather on his arrow, and said, "The White Wizard approaches." Aragorn turned around, hands on his sword, to face the old man. Legolas and Gimli kneeled in front of him, shocking Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Aragorn looked taken aback and demanded to know why he was there. He seemed awfully angry and said, "You fell.I pushed you.oh wait never mind.that was me."
Then they all talked for a while, and they learned his name was Gandalf. He had apparently smote the ruin of his enemy upon the mountainside, then died, then came back. He demonstrated the facial movements he made when he resurrected. They kind of reminded Harry of something else.
Then they all walked further into the forest, and Harry and his friends followed.
***
As Hermione, Ron, and Harry walked through the forest following the rugged god of a man, the poncy woman of an elf, and the waist height, fat of a dwarf. Harry decided that they were going to jinx the nancing one into oblivion. Ron nodded in agreement but Hermione frowned slightly, "But.he's blonde"
"Whatever," responded Harry. "Lets get jinkie with it!"
Ron jumped out from behind a tree and promptly yelled, "AYE! AVAST!"
The fruity one exclaimed in formal elf manner, " Yo bitch! That was my line."
At this Hermione yelled 'Cutinhalfify' and the she-male was cutted in half. Aragorn let out a manly yell and whipped out his manly.sword and poked them all until they left. Then Aragorn rode off into the sunset back to his 'Bit o' elf crumpet'. And Gimli rode off to find some manly dwarf women and Legolas' body was left to rot.
***
The blonde elf's dead body was lying on the ground, and all of a sudden a shimmering light appeared. And it miraculously connected the two halves of Legolas. He suddenly awoke, and opened his eyes. He cackled evilly and said, "Muahahahahahhahahahahahahahah, Lord Voldemort is back, very much alive."
Suddenly, "The Boy Who Lived, But Watched Legolas Die" felt a sharp pain in his forehead.
"God dammit," he said, "time to pop some more pills. Oh Ron and Hermione, by the way, Lord Voldemort is back.very much alive."
Ron and Hermione looked at him as if he was crazy, "have you been in the Gaffer's old brew again?"
Harry replied, "naw, I just jacked some pipe weed from my dear friend Frodo Luv-Shaggins."
They looked at him and said, "and who, might that be?"
"A tricksey hobbit," he answered. "He promised me he'd show me the pointy hat trick!"
Then he gallivanted away to go find this Frodo Luv-Shaggins. Angrily, Hermione turned and cursed Ron with 'Eyelashify. This caused Ron's eyelashes to grow 7 feet long.
"Oh no you di'int," he screamed as he pulled out his.wand. 'Assify'
Just as that was said, a beam of blue light shot out of his wand and hit Hermione's ass. It started to inflate, at first to the size of a beach ball, but then bigger and bigger until it looked like it would explode. Ron then broke out laughing. Amidst all this, they heard a noise, which sounded like someone apparating. They turned to see that Draco Malfoy did indeed apparate only a few feet away. Ron ran over to Draco, still holding his wand, and tripping over his eyelashes, and shoved it right in his face.
Draco sneered and said, "what are you going to do with that.shove it up my ass? Because you know, Weasley, I like that sort of thing."
"Okay wow. that's what normal people would call an 'over share'," Ron exclaimed.
"No need to get angry, I just heard that there was a poncy git with long eyelashes and a babe with a bodacious ass really worth tapping. I had hoped it to be Arwen and Haldir, but oh well, I'll take what I can get."
"Bugger off, Malfoy," said Hermione boldly.
"Ahh, yes, remind me why I have to take orders from a nappy haired bitch?"
She fell silent. And Draco sneered and chortled. (lol)
"Well, anyway, Harry is with Frodo. He says he is going to show him the pointy hat trick," explained Ron.
" I always knew Potter was gay. I must scamper off and tell my friends. They will all die when they hear this. 'The Boy Who Lived' now known as 'The Boy Who Takes It Up The Ass.' They will be delighted," squealed Malfoy.
***
As this was going on, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, or more formally known as Lord Voldemort, was looking down at the body he had possessed. He thought aloud, " Holy shit, why the hell did I possess a saucy wench." Then he took off his pants and looked down.
"FUCK! No congratulations to me."
***
So, as the reincarnated Legolas with a small 'weenus' tromped off after Harry, Ron, and Hermione. He thought to himself, "Well I mean its not that bad, thank god for Engorgement Charms." Then he heard a clicky noise and saw what was the cause.
"Gimli!?" he gasped. "What are you doing to that woodpecker!"
Gimli stuttered, "Oh..n-nothing. Its just a wisp of clouds."
Legolas/Voldemort replied, "Its moving fast, against the wind." Gimli shrugged and ran off after Aragorn.
Legolas continued walking and ran headlong into Draco, they both looked at each other blankly and thought, 'Damn, he ugly!'
Draco sneered, "And who are you?" As he thought to himself, 'Shit, does that poke bonnet come in pink?'
Legolas replied, " I am Vol. I mean." he thought to himself, crap! What is the flaming fag's name! Then it came to him and he started again, "Uh, yes, I am Legolas Weedsmoker, and you are?"
"Draco Malfoy" he replied.
"Perhaps you can tell me where Harry Potter is?" the Dark Lord asked.
"Oh, you mean Scarhead? Yeah, I just walked by him. What are you doing here? By the way, I am here for my weekly re-enactment of the green umbrella with Crabbe." But Legolas had already gone.
Legolas had apparated to Harry's bedside and was shocked to see Harry and Frodo Luv-Shaggins. "Dammmmmmn homie, you ARE sick!" he yelled. Frodo looked up and grabbed Harry's wand (his real wand not his .other wand) and yelled 'Hobbitify'
Then Legolas/Voldemort turned into a stupid, fat, hairy hobbit.
***
"Sod off, all of you," Voldemort in the hobbits body exclaimed. Then he turned around and unzipped his pants.
"Sweet Jesus, its normal again, but a little to hairy for my taste. 'Scroogeify"
Then Harry Potter whipped around and said, "I'm Harry, but I'm not hairy. My name has two meaning just like Sirius' name has two meanings. Sadly for you, my hairy friend, yours means 'I am gay' and 'I have a small mustaki. (lol)'"
Frodo then interjected, "love, he is no longer an elf, but he has been turned into a mirror image of my dear friend, and lover, Samwise Gamgee."
Harry gasped, and looked up, "But.Frodo, how could you. I thought we were going to be together forever. You are to be banishéd (ban-ish-ED) to the depths of Mordor."
Then all of a sudden a red eye appeared out of no where, it peered at Frodo, then to Harry, then back to Frodo. He telepathically blubbered to Frodo, "HOW DARE YOU. YOU CHEATED ON ME TWICE. I AM APPALED. I WILL SEND MY WRATH OF ORCS ON YOU. MUAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH."
Then Frodo grabbed his clothes and ran off. Harry now realized that he was alone with the hairy hobbit that used to be Legolas that really is Voldemort. And said to him, "well I better be off." And then he apparated without delay.
'Escaped from my clutches again, that dark haired boy did' thought Voldemort.
*crack*
Suddenly a green impish creature appeared by his side and said, "All of them, he has killed. Dead they are." And the he disappeared as quickly as he came.
The Dark Lord pondered to himself for a few moments. What the hell just happened there? Was that Yoda. And what idiot says 'I killed them all, they're dead'. Oh well, I must be off to murder my arch nemesis, Harry Potter.grr.. That sexy fiend. I must not be thwarted again. But first I must turn my self back into that tall blonde boy, he looked quite gay, in the least. But oh well, small weenus or not, he is still capable of seeing all the way to Isengard with his elf eyes.
***