Love

"Good morning, Inuyasha."

"How long have I been here?"

"I… what?"

"How long have I been here?"

"Uh… a year and two months."

"I… Hey!  You're not my doctor.  Who are you?"  I asked, already suspicious.

"I'm you're new doctor."

"What happened to Doctor Williams?"

"She was called away."

"Oh."  I nodded. 

"Well, Inuyasha, as this is my first visit with you, why don't I get to know you better?  You've been here over a year, correct?"  My new doctor asked, taking out a pen.

"You're my third doctor."  I replied.  I knew my new doctor wasn't listening.  They never did.

"Good.  Good."  The doctor nodded.  "And you have a older brother."

"Plus a dancing ferret and a rat that eats shoes."  I sighed.

"That's good.  Any hobbies?"

"I like to eat people in my spare time."

"That's lovely."

"Why are you wasting my time?"  I asked, growing impatient.  If only I could get lose from my jacket!

"I'm sorry?"  The doctor asked as he looked up  I could see his hand inching towards his pocket.  I wasn't quite sure what was there, but I was willing to bet my left kidney that it was some sort of tranquilizer.  I could tell that this doctor would be far happier if I was unconscious.  I could feel my pulse quicken and I tried to calm myself.  I didn't want to sleep.  I hated tranquilizers.

"You're sorry?  I'll make you sorry."  I growled.  I was starting to feel a funny twinge behind my eyes.  I tried to remember if that had ever happened before, but it wasn't very clear.  It was sort of like a feeling of déjà vu.  The one that you can't quite place.

"Inuyasha, please.  Calm down."  The doctor sighed, looking back down at the note pad.  The twinge was getting stronger.  I felt like another wrong comment and something terrible was going to happen.  If only I knew what…

"So, Inuyasha.  What's your favorite color?  It says that it's red, here on the sheet."

I suddenly felt like laughing.  The twinge behind my eyes had finally gone, but only because the dam had burst.  Tilting my head back, I let out a low howl that resembled a wolf's cry more than a laugh.  I laughed and laughed, and as I kept giggling like a maniac, I remembered when I had felt the twinge before.

I could see the smashed bodies of my parents… the crying children… holding Sesshomaru's arm… blood… painting walls… tearing at flesh…

"I like the color… of blood!"  I shouted, as Youkai took over my body and I threw myself at the doctor.  My arms will still trapped by the straight jacket so I resembled a flying bomb more than I did a person.

Ripping at the doctor's face and body with my teeth, I hungrily lapped at his blood and skin.  I could hear the doctor screaming and crying as he fought to escape, but I trapped him under me with my legs and shoulders.  I pressed my face against his wounds and smeared my face with the doctor's blood.  The liquid was running down my face and neck, coating my own skin with its red color of life. 

And Youkai loved it.  Every single moment, my demon reveled in the slow, painful death of the human underneath me.  Youkai didn't care that he might die.  Youkai didn't care that I would be held responsible.  Youkai didn't care and, for a moment, neither did I.

'You won't remember this in a few hours, anyway.  Enjoy this chance.'  Youkai told me.  'Soon you'll forget this feeling of life and freedom and death and escape.  Soon you won't remember, so enjoy it now.

'Relish the taste of reality as it slips across your tongue.  Forget how time and life are slipping through your fingers every second you spend here.  Avenge yourself with the death of this man.  Kill him!  Slice away at his life!  Steal his oxygen!  Steal his soul! 

'Drink his blood and satisfy you need for life.  Destroy this human's hope and reality and forget that you cannot regain your own life.  Forget that nothing will help.  Forget that you are trapped.  Control him; control life!  Lose yourself in your need for escape.  ESCAPE AND FEAST!'

And I did.  And I loved it.

~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~

"So… I really did all that?"  I asked the head nurse, as she took back the pictures.

"Yes.  You're very lucky he didn't die."

"I know."  I agreed.  "Isn't amazing though?"

"What is?"

"The control.  My other side was in control enough to rip at the doctor with his teeth.  He was able to control that man's life!"

"I don't know if amazing is the word…" The nurse muttered.

"You know what?"

"What?"

"I'm in love with him."  I smiled, as I suddenly understood the emotion I was feeling.

"The doctor?  I don't know where you come from, but most people don't believe that mauling a person is a sign of affection."

"Not the doctor!  Him!  Youkai!"

"You're in love with your other side?"

"Uh huh."

"Are you trying to say that you're sexually frustrated?"

"What?!  NO!  I don't want to sleep with myself!  I love myself!"

"If you say so."  The nurse shrugged as she slipped the package of photos into her pocket and picked up my tray.  "I'll see you later then."

"Bye."  I nodded.  Looking over at the mirror, I stared at myself and tried to imagine myself with red eyes.

Ever since I had attacked the doctor, I had been investigating my other side, the side that I did not, could not, understand.  I had learned that I was unstoppable, unless rendered unconscious.  I had learned that my eyes turned red.  I had learned that I gain an unquenchable blood lust.  I had learned that I enjoyed vampiric tendencies when Youkai took over.

Truly, I had been surprised when I had been told that.  Apparently, I didn't just kill but I feasted on the flesh and blood from the victim's throat.

And those were the reasons why I had fallen, hard, for my other side.  I could understand Youkai's desire for blood.  Blood was the symbol of life.  Drinking blood was the consumption of life.  Youkai possessed life, and that wasn't all he had.  Youkai had strength I did not hold.  Youkai had power I couldn't imagine.  Youkai was able to easily gain control of others.  Youkai was a living incarnation of life, freedom, control and strength.  The four things in life that I wanted.  The four things in life I could never have. 

I could almost see myself with red eyes.  I was beautiful, and I didn't mean that in a narcissistic sort of way.

'Sure you don't.'  Youkai's voice laughed.

I looked around and saw that my reflection in the mirror was different from my true appearance.  I was lying on my bed, restrained by a straight jacket; Youkai was lounging on the floor, free as a breath of air.

'Well, that's poetic.'  Youkai laughed, his red eyes flashing.

"How…"

'How am I sitting here?'  Youkai asked, finishing my thought.  'This is a dream.  I can do whatever I want.'

"A dream?"  I asked, surprised.

'Well of course.  You didn't think the head nurse was real, did you?  First of all, her hair was too long and her face was too much like your mothers.  The woman you though was the head nurse didn't look like the real head nurse at all!'  There was a silence for a minute, as I thought this over.  'I see you're not convinced.  Well, watch this!' 

Youkai laughed and I smiled faintly as I listened to the laugh.  It wasn't light and airy, but it wasn't deep either.  It was a mid-range giggle that sent a shiver down to your toes.  Standing up, Youkai passed his hand through a wall and walked through the barrier, before re-entering my room without using the door.  Looking over at me, Youkai crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the, now solid, wall.

'Now.  It seems that you are… in love.'

I frowned and watched as Youkai walked over to me.

'With me.'  Youkai grinned, as he leapt onto the bed that I was lying on.  Straddling my hips, Youkai ran his claws over my jacket.  'Interesting.  So, you love me.'

"I… I…"  I began, but I couldn't seem to finish a complete sentence.  Laughing again, Youkai kissed both my cheeks and ran his tongue down to the hollow where my throat and chest meet.

'So… do you enjoy this?'  Youkai asked, sucking on my throat.  'You do know that this makes you gay.  Correct?'

"I don't want to sleep with you!"  I shouted, as I struggled to sit upright, but Youkai kept me pinned by pressing down on my shoulders.  Giggling like an insane child, Youkai nipped at the main artery in my neck.  I gasped and winced at Youkai's teeth, my teeth, pierced the skin of my neck and blood began to run over my skin.

'Umm.'  Youkai grinned at he ran his tongue over the wound.  'Fresh blood.  Do you want a taste?'

I watched as Youkai lapped at my wound again, before grabbing my mouth and pushing it open with his hand.  Pressing his, or my, lips against my own, Youkai slid his blood-coated tongue into my mouth.  I could taste my own blood as it ran down the inside of my throat.  Massaging my mouth with his tongue, Youkai deepened the kiss.  I groaned, and wrapped my arms around his neck.  It occurred to me, briefly, that the straight jacket had disappeared from my body, but the kiss soon drove everything from my mind.  I forgot whom I was kissing, why I was kissing them and where I was.  Even my name escaped me at the moment. 

All I knew was the taste of my blood in my mouth.  I loved the way the taste of life and freedom trickled down my throat like a hot drink.

But as suddenly as the kiss had begun, it stopped.  Taking another taste of my blood, Youkai winked at me and slid off the bed.

'They're coming now to wake you up.'  Youkai told me and I woak up with Youkai's laugh echoing through my head.

~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~         

I looked over at Sesshomaru and sighed.  He was sitting a few feet away from me, reading a book of demon history.  His arm, the one I had ripped off, was still missing.  It would probably take a few more years to grow back.  Well, boo hoo for him!  I wasn't that sorry for the asshole.

Sesshomaru came to visit me once a week without fail, but there was little we could talk about, so we usually just sat in silence.  While he read or did work, my thoughts usually wandered, as they were today.

I had been in the place for almost three years and it was starting to wear on me.  I had gone through ten doctors (five the first year, two for the second year, and three in the third year) and I was beginning to see a pattern.  They come, they ignore me, they meet Youkai, and they disappear  Yes indeed, Youkai was beginning to become a problem. 

I still loved him, but the dreams were becoming far too intense.  Youkai's mad blood lust was beginning to affect my dreams and I could no longer sleep.  I had begged Youkai to curb his need for flesh, but he did not listen.  He never did. 

"Sesshomaru, if I swear off trying to kill myself, will you let me out of here?"  I asked, breaking the silence that lay between us.  I looked up and saw that Sesshomaru had not moved. 

'I bet he didn't even blinked!'  I silently fumed.

"Inuyasha."  Sesshomaru sighed, marking his place with his finger and putting down his book.  "Why do you think you are here?"

"I tried to commit suicide."

"Is that what they tell you?"

"No.  They don't tell me anything.  It's what I think."

"I see.  Tell me.  Why did you attempt suicide?"

"I was upset about the blood on my hands."

"Yes.  Now, when most people kill others… what happens?"

"They go to jail."

"Or at least to trial.  Did you?"

"No.  What are you getting at?"

"I'm still getting there.  Think of this as mental exercise.  God knows you need it.  So, when a person goes on trail for murder… what could he be found?"

"Guilty or not guilty."

"Good.  Now if he's found guilty, he might not be sent to jail.  Why?"

"I don't know."

"Because he's crazy!"  Sesshomaru shouted, before flicking his book back open.  "And they send crazy people… where?  Think on that."

There was a brief silence as I began to realize what Sesshomaru was telling me.

"So… you're saying that I'm here because everyone thinks I'm crazy."

"Split-personality; Multiple Personality Disorder.  Yes."

"And they think that Youkai is my other personality."  I continued, still in shock.

"Correct."

"Which means that I'm in this place because I am a hanyou."

"Correct again."

"So, I'm never getting out of here… am I?"  I asked.

"No.  There is no way to control your Youkai; you will be here for the rest of your life."

"You're lying.  I can smell it on you."  I told him, suddenly convinced that my brother was trying to pull something.

"What do I have to gain from lying?  Your half-breed nose must be malfunctioning."  Sesshomaru replied, his voice turning to ice as it hit my ears. 

I stared at him in disbelief.  Throughout my childhood and even during my early teenage years, Sesshomaru had always been a loyal, though somewhat uninterested, brother.  He had always protected me… if my life was in danger.  He had never lied to me… even when I would have preferred it if he had.  He had always helped me with my homework… without too much protest.  He had never tried to hurt me… except when I destroyed his stereo by pushing Play-Dough into the wiring. 

But now he was lying to me about something.  He wasn't going to get me out of my prison; he wasn't going to help me.  He was abandoning me.  And it hurt.

"You will be here until it is safe for you to walk among humans"  Sesshomaru told me, and if I had been paying attention, I would have noticed that the stench of his lie was fading.  However, I wasn't paying attention anymore, because another thought had hit me.

'I'm going to be here forever… because of Youkai.  I'm never going to escape because of Youkai.  But I love him… don't I?  Don't I?'  I felt the same thoughts circle around-and-around my head, my thoughts running in circles, never getting anywhere. 

I could feel myself getting angry again.  I was furious, but I wasn't sure whom or what I was mad at.  I think that part of me was mad at Sesshomaru, because he wouldn't help me.  Part of me was mad at Youkai, because he had gotten me into trouble.  Part of me was angry with my parents; part of me was angry at the world because I could never explain to them who or what Youkai was.  Part of me was angry at the system that trapped me and another part was furious at myself for falling in love with Youkai in the first place.  I was angry with everyone and everything.  And Youkai feed on hate.

"Inuyasha?"  The head nurse asked as she entered the room.  I looked up at her and felt 'The Twinge'.  My anger was bringing Youkai into power and he was quickly taking control of my actions.

'Come along, Inuyasha!'  Youkai tried to persuade me.  'You know you want to feast on her.  Feast with me!'

"No…" I begged, clutching my head in an attempt to stop 'The Twinge'.  "Please!  Stop!"

And for the first time I fought with Youkai.  I knew that Youkai was far stronger than I was, but I felt I needed to struggle with him anyway.  In my mind, I grappled with my demon and held him back, until Youkai lost his patience and backhanded me.  Flying backwards, I felt Youkai take control of my body as I floated in the inky-black space of my mind.

I had never struggled with Youkai before.  When I had killed my neighbors and injured Sesshomaru, I hadn't struggled.  When I had attacked my doctors, I didn't struggle.  I had never wanted to stop him before.  I hadn't wanted to beat him; I had been far too happy to simply join him.

I listen and in the distance, as if the sound was coming from a television in another room far away, I could hear the nurse scream as Youkai hurt her.  And, for a second, or a minute, or an hour, or a year, I cried.

~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~

"I hate you."  I told Youkai, as I sat on my bed and hugged my knees to my chest like a child.  "I hate you."

'That's pretty strong for a guy who was shoving his tongue down my throat less than twenty-four hours ago.'  Youkai smirked as he continued to stare at the ceiling, while licking his lips to get the last drops of blood.

"Yeah, well, I loved you then."

'Loved?  HA!  Let me clue you in, you didn't love me then.  You don't love me now.  You never loved me.  I may be way more sick and twisted than you are, but I know love.  And you never loved me.'

"I did so!"

'Love doesn't turn away when things get bad.  What you've got is lust.'

"EXCUSE ME?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I sat up sharply and glared at Youkai.  It was a dream again, so I wasn't wearing my jacket and I had full mobility of my limbs.  "You're the horny bastard!  You're the one who started every single one of our kisses!  You're the son of a bitch who is lusting after my body!"

'Look here, I never said anything about sex.  Though if that's what you'd like…'  Youkai trailed off with a leer.  I flopped back down on my bed and turned away in disgust.  I heard a bit of shuffling and a second later I felt Youkai draped his body over my shoulder.  I felt Youkai's breath by my ear as he leaned over to whisper in it and I shivered a little.  'Here's the fact.  You were interested in my power.  You like my ability to control others.  You were attracted to my freedom and excitement that I exuded.  You lusted after my ability to seem alive by having everything that had been taken from you.  That's why you thought you loved me.'

~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~

'SON OF A BITCH!'  Youkai raged as I locked the cage with another mental padlock.  'You can't keep me here forever!'

"I can't let you out."  I told my demon calmly  "You cannot be allowed to feed and kill again."

'You alone can't keep me here forever!  Someday, I'll escape!'  Youkai warned, as I turned and pulled down a mental wall between us, sealing him into my unconscious mind.

"I don't doubt it.  But some I'm going to find a way to defeat you, and then I'm going to leave this place.  Forever."  I whispered. 

And, even though Youkai couldn't hear me, I could have sworn I heard his laugh echo through my head after I had made my vow.