by: Kawaii Kitsune
Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho and all the characters in the wonderful show do not belong to me, blah, blah, blah. You get the point. No money, don't sue, blah, blah, blah. Moving on.
Follows after "In the End" and "Forever". It makes more sense if you've read those before reading this.
It's been a month since Hiei died. It came as a shock to all of us when we heard the news. It was just so unexpected. Of course, none of us took it too well. Kuwabara shouted about how cowardly he was to just die like that. Yukina cried for days. There are enough tear gems in Genkai's temple to buy an island. Botan didn't have the strength to pick up Hiei's soul; some other ferry girl had to do the job. Koenma even left the office to come mourn with all of us. But Kurama surprised me.
I expected tears and grief. After all, Hiei was his best friend and much more. They hid their growing relationship from the rest of the group, but to me, it was obvious. I could tell from the way they interacted with each other and only with each other. They were clearly in love. So it was only natural that Kurama more effected by Hiei's death than the rest of us.
But I never expected this.
Kurama did not cry at Hiei's funeral, not because he did not feel sorrow but because he simply had no tears left to cry. His eyes were so dull and emotionless, no longer the vibrant emerald that we were all so accustomed to. It was like with Hiei's dead, Kurama died, too. He had become a shell. A lifeless shell.
It was painful to watch. He wouldn't do anything unless told to, not even to eat. He would just lie in his bed and stare, not really looking at anything. It worried his mother, something that he has tried to avoid doing all his life. We all tried talking to him but nothing worked. He just lied there and stared at the ceiling with his dead eyes.
I was really pissed off by it. I told him that. I even slapped him across the face once, wanting some reaction from him, any reaction. Nothing. He acted as if he didn't even feel it. He probably didn't.
I thought he was stronger than this. I have always thought that he was the strongest member of the team. Sure, I may be able to defeat a lot of worthless demons but I could never compare to Kurama's inner strength. I don't know much about his past but I know he's survived through a lot of shit, and not all of them physical. Life in the Makai is tough and he's even tougher. Or so I thought.
Here I am, sitting in front of him once again, looking at his unmoving body. Shiori had finally been pushed to the point of tears at her son's unresponsiveness. She had cried in front of Kurama and still, he remained still and emotionless, acknowledge nothing. So that's why I'm here. To finally beat some sense into him.
"Kurama," I say to him.
No response. But then again, I didn't really expect one so soon.
"I never thought you'd willingly make your mother cry."
Still nothing, not even a blink.
"Look, Hiei may be gone but there are still people here who care about you," I continue, "Or don't we count for anything?"
He doesn't take the bait.
"I know Hiei was important to you but why are you taking it so hard? It's not like you killed him."
That seems to have done it.
Kurama turns his head and looks at me with those eyes of his. Those dead eyes.
"I did kill him, Yusuke," he says in an emotionless whisper, voice hoarse from a month's worth of neglect.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I killed him. I killed Hiei," he answers in the same lifeless tone.
"Look, we already found who killed Hiei and dealt with him."
Kurama goes back to his silent state.
I get angry. I grab his shoulders and shake him, not too violently but enough to get his attention. "What the hell did you mean?" I shout.
"I may not have shot the arrows but I killed him. He's dead because of me."
I pull at my hair in frustration. Getting a straight answer out of the fox is like pulling teeth. "Fine," I finally say, giving in to his delusion, "If you did kill Hiei, how did you do it."
"I broke his heart. And his spirit."
With that, I realize what must have happened, and why Kurama blames himself. Even knowing the new piece of information, I don't think anyone's at fault for Hiei's death. But Kurama has always been very emotional about his loved ones.
I'm surprised to see him crying. His features remain the same but tears flow from his eyes. It hurts to watch. I feel so helpless.
"But don't worry, Yusuke," he says, "I'll be with Hiei soon." He smiles, the first sign of emotion he's shown in a month.
Both his statement and his smile shock me. "What do you mean by that?" I ask. Then I feel it.
His life force.
It's almost gone.
Without us realizing it, Kurama's been slowing letting himself die. His human and demon self. And now it's too late to save him.
I never thought he would go this far.
"Damn it, Kurama! How could you?" I scream at him. I call him a bastard, a coward but he doesn't respond. Instead, he lies there with that smile plastered to his face, waiting for the end. I'm seething inside. I just lost a friend a month ago and I'm not ready to lose another. Not like this.
I clench my fists and shake in anger and frustration. Tears start to form and fall from my eyes.
He stares at my tears and cocks his head in confusion. "Why are you crying, Yusuke?" he questions, "You should be happy for me. I'll finally be with Hiei again, where I belong."
"You idiot," I say, "Do you think this is really what Hiei wants?"
"It's not what Hiei wants. It's what I want." He's still smiling. "It won't be long now."
"What about your mother?" I try, not willing to give up hope.
His smile fades. "She'll be fine. She has Tousan and Shuichi. She'll be fine."
"And what about us, Kurama? What about your friends?"
"You'll get over it, just like with Hiei's death."
"How can you be so selfish, Kurama?" I accuse him, "How can you do this to us?"
"Yes, I'm selfish. But tell me, Yusuke, do you enjoy seeing me like this?" he replies with a question of his own.
I can't answer. Saying yes would be a lie but saying no would be walking into his trap. And he knows it. So I remain silent.
"I can almost see him now," he says. His voice is weaker now. "He's coming to greet me, to take me with him."
I watch in horror as he lifts his hand, reaching out to something invisible to my eyes. The light returns to his eyes and he smiles again. A true smile. Then his hand falls. He whispers one last word before his eyes close.
"Hiei."
I sit here, staring at my friend. He looks so happy and peaceful, as if he's only sleeping. But I know the truth. He's dead, gone.
A part of me wants to go to the Reikai and demand for Kurama's soul to be returned to his body. That part of me is furious that he could leave us like this. Then there's the other part of me that is happy to see him go, to see him escape from the life that was bringing him so much pain. I feel guilty for feeling this way, even if it's only a part of me, but I can't help it. He looks so happy, lying there.
I look at his smiling face once more before standing. "Goodbye, Kurama," I say to him one last time, "May we meet again someday."
Even in death, one can find happiness. In Kurama's case, it is his only way to find happiness. He's no longer suffering. He's with the one he loves. I understand and it makes Kurama's passing a little easier to bear.
Several people wanted me to continue it, and since I felt kinda bad just leaving the storyline like that, I wrote this. As you can tell, it's written from Yusuke's point-of-view. I've always thought Yusuke was a lot more mature than people gave him credit for, especially on matters such as friends. Keeping with tradition, I named this after a song. I've been really obsessed with Evanescence lately. Hope you liked it! And please review!