Disclaimer: I only own the glorious kool Sues. Tolkien has everyone realistic.

Forgive the late update - I originally planned to put what I call the "Council of Denethor" in this chapter, but as I wrote it I discovered that I wasn't happy with the way I had been planning to get rid of the Sues and am in the process of fine tuning a new one (and have been doing so for about a month). Therefore as a diversion, all of you lucky readers get stuck with the Sues, Legolas, and Aragorn in this chapter! No, wait, don't leave! It's Sueishly amusing, I promise. This chapter was actually supposed to be the one after the "Council of Denethor" but they've since switched places. So relax, sit back, and enjoy the true meaning of stupidity (that would be Vallawen and Athena Firestone) while I keep working as quickly as possible on the next chapter. Thank you for your patience.:)

PS: All spelling mistakes are intentional (hopefully). But I'm sure you could have figured that out on your own.

And thanks to WargishBoromirFan as always!

EDIT: Apparently some of the punctuation in this story is not being displayed on I see several sentences that are supposed to end with periods, comma, exclamation marks, or question marks but instead have nothing between the last world and the ending quotation mark. I have no idea why it is doing this since the version on my computer has all of the punctuation - I'm going to repost this and see what happens. Hopefully the problem will be fixed. If not you have my sincerest apologies. This kind of thing drives me nuts.

-

The stars shone down lovingly upon them as Legolas and Vallawen walked through the gardens of the Houses of Healing, holding hands and necking each other. No, the couple wasn't necessarily supposed to be in those gardens, seeing as it was a place for the sick, but since when have technicalities stopped a Sue? It was their special night anyway: they had first met in Rivendell exactly two weeks and a day, ten hours, and fifty six seconds ago and Vallawen wanted to celebrate their anniversary.

The she-elf Valkyrie, deciding to suffer her pride and wear a dress for this occasion, had on a silky icy blue gown that clung to her body, reminding the reader once again that she had (everyone say it all together now) curves in all the right places. A delicate flower design in the material covering her arms looped down in a chain until it reached the end of the long princess sleeves that hung to her knees. Her fairly large breasts were exposed just enough by the low cut neckline to keep Legolas' eyes riveted on them as she walked (kind of like Arwen's when she and Elrond are talking in RotK! Not that Elrond's eyes were riveted on Arwen's boobies! OMGLOL! She's not neerly as pretty as Vallawen!one!). Shimmering almost as much as the material in the dress, her long blond hair was pulled in a halfway ponytail and fell in glamorous curls that flowed down her back, spiraling in perfect ringlets (think like Arwen's when she was in Aragorn's dream!). On her head was a jeweled headdress (like Arwen's when she and Aragorn were on teh bridge!). Around her neck sat a glimmering lace of silver leaves and vines with a heart shaped pendant hanging in front (like Arwen's Evenstar only not). On her feet were two glass slippers. But none of these fancy garments could compare to the face of sixteen year old Vallawen herself - her smile was brighter than the stars, and her eyes were like two pin points of blue heavenly light filled with a mysterious ancient knowledge. As usual, her badly named sword, Frinwiniel, was at her side.

Legolas was wearing what he wore in Lothlorien during the movie (omg he looked so hawt and romantic waring that!11) At this point, the editor of this fic has had to go have a lie-down and cry. We apologize for the in-story author's notes. The hormone supply has been turned off and those responsible have been sacked.

As he led her down the stone garden path, Mirkwood's prince told Vallawen all about his home. "There are orchards, cornfields, and vegetable gardens like you couldn't imagine! Everyone is always happy there. The commoners never complain, even when my father slaps an outrageous income tax on them to pay for the building of his personal water park. But the best part of Mirkwood is Unicorn Castle; that's where I live, you see. It has a dramatic Italian Baroque exterior and all of the rooms have different themes - let's see, we've got an Art Deco room, a Wedgewood room, bathrooms based on a Roman public bath complete with wall frescoes featuring fairies and other mystical creatures of Middle-earth, and my personal favorite, the Salvador Dali room. Now we also have an inside stable for all of the royal unicorns, a twenty car garage, a room built 'specially for ping pong tournaments, an ice cream parlor, a casino, a room filled with cows and a dairy for when my father gets bored and decides to pretend he's a peasant for a couple of hours, a complementary gym for our guests, a private gym for me and then my father's private gym, twenty seven tanning salons, and numerous other things. Did I mention that there's a hairdresser on call 24-7"

But Vallawen wasn't used to having such fine things and sighed. "It sounds lovely, Legolas" she admitted"but I don't know if I'll ever be able to adapt to the life of royalty. A hairdresser on call 24-7, you say? That is indeed impressive, but I am afraid I'd only be overwhelmed by such fineries."

"No, you wouldn't be" Legolas assured her quickly, afraid that she would be too upset by the rich life of Mirkwood royalty after her hard life as a cold hearted warrior to want to live with him there. What an idiot.

"Well... okay" Vallawen said, suddenly ready to agree. "I guess I could tough it out until I got used to it. The unicorns there do sound pretty and I would so like to see them."

"What the hell just happened" asked a random Tolkienite. "I got lost back when he said that Mirkwood had orchards and commoners."

Unable to hear this voice of protest, the couple halted as Legolas took the exquisite lady into his arms. "Vallawen, your eyes are so magical" he commented while pulling her into a tender yet passionate kiss.

Her curled hair shimmering in the moonlight as she switched into full angst mode, the elven Valkyrie gave a pathetic sigh as he held her. "Oh Lego, you shouldn't be so attached to me. What should happen if Loki kills me? What should you do then" Her crystalline eyes closed sadly as she thought of the possibility.

His blue-eyes-that-should-be-grey suddenly filled with fear, Legolas gasped. "I would never marry, my love. How could I after having the world's most beautiful she-elf screw me hundreds of times in the last six days since we departed from Rivendell" Then in a grave tone he declared"I don't believe I could even ever have sex again if you weren't the one under my body."

The Tolkien fans stifled the urge to throw rocks at the pair.

Vallawen smiled, her icy blue orbs glimmering. "You'd remain celibate for me" Lovingly she ran her perfect nails down Legolas' arm, making him shiver with pleasure.

"Of course, my love."

Raising her pinkie finger to the sky and tilting her head to an exact 45 degree angle left, the sign that all cool Valkyries make while swearing a great oath, Vallawen looked up at the night sky, saying in a voice just dripping with anguish"Then I now declare that I shall do the same for you, if you were to die before me. But surely that woeful day will never come." And she knew it wouldn't. After all it wouldn't be right if Legolas died while the she lived, now would it? That would defeat the purpose of the story entirely.

From his position behind a small tree nearby, Aragorn seethed; he had been stalking the lovers through the gardens for the last two hours, hiding behind various plants and blending in with the shadows, and this declaration of Vallawen's only served to darken his heart even more. He kept a death-grip on a small dagger and waited for the right moment to spring out of hiding and cut Legolas' throat.

Vallawen latched onto Legolas' arm. "When shall we be married" she inquired. "I cannot wait to become Mrs. Legolas Greenleaf."

"Gandalf says we can only marry once Loki has been defeated" Legolas said sadly. "I would marry you this instant if I could, my lady." He let his hands drift through her long tresses gently as he spoke. Never before had he felt hair so soft, so silky... so sensual.

"Gandalf means well but he knows nothing of love" breathed Vallawen. "I know exactly what we should do: we should get married in secret tonight"

Aragorn gnashed his teeth furiously.

"I don't know - maybe we should have more sex first" grinned Legolas. "I've had many, many lovers but I only took them because my father expected me to marry and I pretended I loved them only for his sake. You, however, you are the embodiment of true love. I can't wait to feel the joy of your body under mine again."

"Well, you're going to have to wait a little bit longer there, Legolas, because Vallawen is MINE" Aragorn growled to himself as he crept forward, knife in hand.

"Let's go back to our room" whispered Vallawen romantically as she looked deep into the deep blue orbs that were her lover's eyes.

"All right, my love." Legolas took her hand and began to lead her away.

Aragorn stealthily lunged forward, preparing to strike blond haired Elf whom he once considered to be his friend. However, unluckily for him, the murderous blow he had planned stopped short of meeting the back of Legolas' head when a shrill howl filled the air.

"Get away from me, Figwit! I hate you"

"But he was supposed to be down there, Athena, I promise you"

"Shut up! We spend TWELVE HOURS in a stinky, dark, stupid dungeon with no sign of my Leggy! You said he'd be there but he obviously wasn't, was he now"

"But Boromir said he was down there."

"WHAT? Why the hell didn't you say so? Never, EVER listen to that freak-job Boromir! He's out to rape me, I swear. If I'd have known, we would have never gone down there. Damnit Figwit, we just wasted a bunch of time that I could have used to be snogging Legolas"

As if the reader hadn't guess, Athena Firestone and Úbennas/Figwit had come out of the dungeon where he had taken her so she wouldn't meet Vallawen. The dejected Athena had nearly bitten Figwit's head off in anger once she discovered that her beautiful Legolas was nowhere in those dark depths, and in a twist of fate he had taken her to the gardens to try and calm her down with the sight and scent of all the beautiful plants - the very place where Vallawen and Legolas, the very people Úbennas/Figwit had hoped not to meet, were wandering. This was going to be bad.

When Athena had first whined, Vallawen and Legolas had stopped and turned to face the approaching sound, barely giving Aragorn enough time to throw himself into the large shadow of a nearby plant.

"What on earth is that sound" Legolas inquired.

"I don't know." Vallawen scowled, angry that she and Leggy had been interrupted. And at that moment Athena Firestone, shining in all of her glory, looked upon Vallawen and Legolas.

"OMG! LEGOLAS! Is that really you" fangirl!Athena squealed as she raced forward towards the couple. "I've been searching for you" Her long red hair spun in sensual waves down her shoulders as she seized the handsome Orl - I mean, Legolas and stared into his deep blue eyes ravenously. As usual, she was wearing her stupid leather bikini get-up, which will not be described in detail again.

"Oh, no." Úbennas immediately ran for his life, knowing that a showdown was about to occur.

Meanwhile Vallawen had been shoved back by the eager Athena and stood indignantly to the side, glaring at the other girl. "No, no, I think not" the Elven Valkyrie said with a frown. "Legolas and I are destined to be married. I don't know who you are but keep your filthy little hands off of him."

For the first time, Athena turned to the mysterious female who had been holding Legolas' hand. The beauty of this mysterious other girl and her lovely clothes annoyed Athena to no end. "Oh honey, I doubt that" she sneered at Vallawen. "My father Zeus has decreed that I wed Legolas before Hades takes me as his own bride. After all, I am Zeus' only child, Athena Firestone. I am the daughter of his mistress Keira, hated by Circe, Zeus' true wife. I have lived in Rivendell for years! Hades cursed me to a life of hardship and pain, a life that can only be made happy through a marriage to Prince Legolas of Mirkwood and the destruction of the Lord of the Underworld."

"I don't know the people you speak of, but I have endured much more pain that you could ever imagine." Vallawen's icy eyes gleamed in angst. She was most unhappy to have found this strangely beautiful girl with the small nose and full lips. It pained Vallawen to think that this girl was possibly as lovely as she. "Loki is after me, and I must defeat him and then marry Legolas to save Middle-earth" If she couldn't out-do this silly red head in the looks department, then Vallawen was just going to have to out angst her.

Unimpressed, Athena just laughed. "Whatevah, girlfriend. You're just making that up."

"No, YOU'RE making YOUR story up" screamed the Elven Valkyrie.

"Now, now ladies" Legolas interrupted. "You are both tragic and mysterious to be sure. I'm sure we can get along somehow. I'm sure I could love you both. Hell, I could marry you both! We could have lots of beautiful children together! And while the two of you are off raising the brats during the daylight hours, I'll just find some new mistresses to spend my days with. When I return at night, we'll have a threesome! Every night for the rest of our lives! That would be kool."

"Shut up, Orl - I mean, Legolas" screamed Vallawen. "How dare you? You've known her for only three seconds! I've been with you for the entire quest and just two seconds ago you said you could never love anyone but me! I will not share you with some rotten little tramp like her! I will not share you with anyone! How dare you even think of such a thing" And she stomped her foot, her silvery eyes shimmering with hurt and anger.

Smugly, Athena Firestone said"He just knows his true love when he sees her" Her own jade eyes with blue flecks glinted menacingly back at Vallawen's sullen icy blue ones. "Legolas just said he would marry both of us to shut you up for now; I'm sure that later tonight he'll dump you for me."

"NO" Vallawen glared daggers at the warrior nymph. "That is not so, for I alone am his true love"

A horny Legolas cried"I just figured something out" Both ladies turned to him. "I've got it" he continued. "I'm everyone's true love! It's the only explanation! That's why all of the girls who fall into Middle-earth and magically appear every time we start the quest come: they love me! I am so good! Just... YEAH"

"Of course you are" Athena and Vallawen chimed in unison before staring each other down again.

Pleased with himself, Legolas smiled. "I can have all the girls I want" Apparently, he still had a lot of learn about the mind of the Sue.

"Oh no, it doesn't work that way, Lego" an exasperated Vallawen snapped. "It isn't about you; it's about me! You are my true love. That means you can only have sex with me. That means you can only kiss me. That means you can only compliment my beauty. What is so hard about this? You've been with me for almost the entire quest and suddenly decide to forget the joy of our relationship the instant you lay eyes on this little tart? You know I am your true love, after all. "

"But you aren't his true love" screeched Athena, wild with fury with this other girl had already spent so much time with Legolas. "I am"

"No, I am, you tramp"

To the surprise of all, Aragorn jumped out of the shadows, making Athena Firestone scream in fright. "Score" the future king yelled triumphantly. To Legolas he continued"I know how to solve this little problem. You can have this new girl and I'll just take Odin's ward, the beautiful Vallawen as my bride! That way we both get what we want"

"Yeah, you can have her" Athena snapped, a bit hurt that Aragorn wasn't after her as well. "And that means Leggy and I can be together."

Acting fast, Vallawen slapped Aragorn across the cheek. "Get away from me" she sneered, her blond hair flowing along with her shoulders in a most beautiful way as she smacked him. "You can't compare to Legolas, you dirty MAN! And I shall never be your bride! Just as I shall never be Loki's bride! I am much too independent to be married off to someone that I do not love"

Legolas laughed. "Of course you'll never be Loki's bride, nor Aragorn's! You'll be mine, Vallawen."

Aragorn scowled and fingered his knife.

"Humph" Vallawen stood by Legolas and gave her rival a snooty look. "Of course I'll be married to you! 'Tis my fate"

Crushed, Athena's face, the face that had features to rival any classical statue of Aphrodite, fell and she dramatically sank to the ground while crying"But I shall die if we don't wed" Her small body, so fragile and pained, began to shake with sobs. "Father Zeus, why do you do these things to me? I mean, come on! I'm your only daught - hey wait, I know! This is but a test! This other girl is nothing more than an evil shade sent by that jerk Hades to test my love for Legolas! But not to worry! I shall smite her down right now and she shall float away back to the Underworld and tell her cruel master that Athena Firestone isn't so easily fooled" Reaching her arm back furiously, the now emboldened Athena whacked Vallawen furiously in the chest but to her great dismay instead of disappearing, the other girl was barely scathed by the blow and gave the warrior nymph a hateful glare.

"What is this? She does not vanish! Then she is not a shade after all. If she and Legolas go off and have sex, that will mean I'm doomed to be the wife of Hades" cried Athena dramatically, falling back onto the ground. As if the reader hadn't noticed, she tended to switched back and forth from uberfangirl!mode to angsty-poetic-warrior!mode depending on the circumstance.

"First of all, me and Lego have had sex billions of times in the past two days! Second, you are not nearly as beautiful as I am so Legolas wouldn't want to do you anyway. Third, we're leaving right now." An enraged Vallawen took Legolas' hand and began to lead him away. But her lover stopped her, saying to Athena"Don't look so sad, uh, what's your name again"

Athena gave him a most pathetic look. "Athena Firestone."

"Don't fret, pretty Athena, I shall marry both of you" The prince of Mirkwood still hadn't learned his lesson.

"I don't think so, Legolas" howled Vallawen, slapping him on the shoulder. Her icy blue eyes hatefully glittered while still managing to look as sparkly and new as morning dew upon frozen blades of grass on an early spring morning. "You've got to choose! Her or me"

"But I can't." Legolas looked crestfallen, his blue-eyes-that-should-be-grey searching the ground. "I want you both" he whined, unsure of what to do. And indeed he did want them both; since the Sues could not outdo each other when it came to making Legolas lust for them, the Elf felt torn between two girls that he knew in his heart were his true loves. But unfortunately for him, only one true love could he have. This had never been a problem before - sure, girls fell into Middle-earth and had sex with him all of the time and numerous un-canonical warrior women had married him at their leisure in other stories, but never had two girls seeking his affection come into conflict with each other before.

The fiery redheaded nymph sighed. "There's one way to settle this" Athena Firestone said slowly. "We must duel."

"Very well then, wench! We shall duel" smirked Vallawen, for she knew she would win. After all, she was Odin's best fighter.

"Good" Athena shot back, her exotic jade eyes glittering with anticipation. She was sure to defeat this snobby blonde. After all, she was the daughter of Zeus. "This should be fun." The girl's green-turquoise eyes narrowed as she raised her muscular but not too muscular arms to the heavens. "Oh Father, the daughter of Keira, your mistress, who was oppressed so vehemently by your true wife Artemis; the daughter who is desired so by that frightening and evil Hades, calls upon you now. Father, I beg that you call all power of heaven and hell and all between into my body as aid in the destruction of this foul being."

A silver light surrounded - Legolas and Aragorn could actually see the power flowing into her ravenous veins, her green eyes flashing with such passion and anger that the whole world could feel the heat from her anguished yet powerful body. Her thin legs stretched out slightly with the grace of a ballerina as she prepared to launch an attack on the wench who stood before her. Holding her muscular-but-not-too-muscular-as-to-not-be-sexy arms out, she gave her Haradrim-killing battle cry. "HIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

But her opponent was filled with the power of the almighty Odin, the father of the Norselands. Vallawen's long blond hair shone with a mystical light that seemed to generate from the very air around her, giving her power. Her greatly described dress from the beginning of this chapter was magically transformed into her usual Valkyrie costume. The jewels in her helmet changed from icy blue to dark red, something that happened whenever she was about to battle with a foe that particularly pissed her off, while her cold, dispassionate eyes changed to the color of freshly mined gold just for dramatic effect, and her pearly white teeth gleamed harshly. With Frinwiniel in hand, the Elven Valkyrie gave a mighty shout, the force of which threw Aragorn and Legolas backwards a few hundred yards, and charged Athena Firestone with a hate burning in her golden eyes, the likes of which had never been seen in Middle-earth before.

The fair Firestone maiden was not so easily daunted. Answering with another soft yet swift cry, the young warrior princess drew her own sword and screeched"Hiyah! Yah"

The earth trembled at her harrowing cry, and two mythical bodies met with a jolt of lightening as Athena swung her sword, forcing Vallawen to lift Frinwiniel in combat.