Title: Screwed
Author: The Almighty [cough-ya right-cough] Seadragon
Genre: Humor
Rating: pg-13 [don't ask me why…]
Summary: "Do you want to be scrubbing pots for the rest of your miserable existence?!" The gang, Kel, Dom, and Neal [cough-Blossom-cough], are late. Very late. So Neal must suffer… Why, Neal you say? Well, he's screwed.
ScrewedN "Come on! Hurry!"
K "What's the rush?"
N "Do you want to be scrubbing pots for the rest of your miserable existence?!"
D "Well now that you mention it…"
N "I'm cursed, really and truly cursed."
K "Or at least you will be if we don't get back soon."
N "I've been trying to tell you that!"
D "Well then why didn't you speak up?"
N "It's going to be a long walk…"
K "Who said we were walking?! We'll never get there at this rate!"
N "Even if we run we will be late, might as well get there alive!"
D "I hate to say it, but he has a point…"
K "Yes, sad, but true. What has the world come to? I mean, Meathead, making sense?"
D "I'm sorry, did you just use the words Meathead and sense together in a sentence with out –non- in between?!"
K "Strangely, yes."
N "I hate you. Both of you."
D "We love you too Meathead."
N "I'm sure…"
K "Neal! I'm hurt!"
N "I'm sure you are…"
D "I say we ditch him!"
K "Sounds like a plan!"
N "I'm right here you know?"
K "So?"
N "I'm screwed."
D "And why would that be dear Meathead?"
N "Well, for one, THAT NAME. Two, you guys are doing everything humanly possible to make me late, something I really hate…"
K "I didn't know life was so rough on you. Poor, poor Nealan…"
N "Thank y- HEY!"
D "I didn't know we are trying to make you late! But that's a good idea! Thanks!"
N "I'm screwed…"
K "I'm sure you are, now tell Keladry what's the matter."
N "You're cruel, pathetic, EVIL people!"
D "I believe he said the exact same thing to a flight of stairs just last week, right after he fell down them."
K "And then there was the time with the wall…"
D "And the scroll! Don't forget that!
K "I could never forget a sight like that!"
N "Once again, I'm screwed."
D "We noticed."
N "Did you now?"
K "Yes, I believe we did!"
N "Well congratulations, now can we HURRY UP?!"
D "No, I don't believe we can."
N "You do this just to torture me."
K "You noticed?"
N "Yes, I believe I did!"
D "Whoa, major Déjà vu there…"
N "Please, please, please can we hurry up?"
K "Of course!"
N "Thank the gods!"
D "But what will you do for us?"
N "I'm screwed."
K "Yes Nealan, I believe you are…"
N "NEAL! It's NEAL! Not Nealan, not Meathead. NEAL!"
D "Whoa, calm down there Meathead!"
N "Grr…"
K "I suppose we could always call you Blossom…"
D "I like it!"
N "BLOSSOM?! WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?!!"
K "Quiet Blossom, don't want to be late do we?"
N "I'm screwed…"
D "So we've heard Blossom."
K "What is with him and saying that?"
D "I think we're better off not knowing, don't ya think?"
K "Most likely."
N "Blossom. Blossom. BLOSSOM! Where in the name of the Black God did that come from? Nealan, sure whatever. Meathead, okay, I can understand that from people with as low of an intelligence as them. But BLOSSOM?!"
K "I don't think he likes his new name."
N "Ya think?!"
D "No, not usually."
N "I'm screwed…"
K "Are you?"
D "Wow."
K "I mean, that's like, well, FAR OUT!"
N "Save me, save me now."
D "Yo, Dudette, sorry, Dude, Blossom!"
N "Help."
K "Aww, poor wittle Blossom, needs the big strong knight to save him from the big bad sergeant!"
D "Now there's a thought."
N "You have thoughts? Wow, I for one am surprised!"
D "Can we hurt him now?"
K "Gladly."
N "I'm screwed…"
K "You don't say?"
N "Actually, I do."
D "Figure of speech Blossom. Figure of speech."
N [sorry, B] "Point being?"
D "I would have thought you would be a little smarter, what with burying your head in books all the time… But then again, it is you we are talking about, so I guess not."
N "I'm hurt."
K "I'm sure you are. Want to talk about it?"
N "Not with you freaks, no!"
D "Alright, now I'm hurt!"
K "Wanna talk about it?"
D "Well you see, my cousin, Meathead/Blossom, is so mean to me and-"
N "I'M MEAN TO YOU?!"
K "Quiet! Let Dom tell his story!"
D "Yes you are! You make me feel like crying all the time, and then the other men in the Own laugh at me-"
N "Serves you right."
K "That's not very nice! Go to your room!"
N "I'm trying…"
D "Well that was the highlight of my day!"
N "What was?"
D "Kel ordering Blossom to go to his room!"
N "Ha freakin' ha."
D "You know you're laughing on the inside."
N "AM I?!"
K "Hate to tell you guys, but if we don't hurry up, none of us are ever going to be laughing again."
D "Now there's a sad thought."
N "You know how to thi-"
D "Don't say it."
N "I'm screwed aren't I?"
K "I think it's safe to say…"
K/D "Yes."
N "Well then… Aren't we there yet?"
D "Obviously not."
N "Well then what's taking so long?"
K "You know, that's a good question…"
D "Alright, this is getting freaky, Meathead/Blossom/Nealan/who ever the hell he is, has made sense twice today!
K "You're right! That's just unnatural!"
D "I mean, usually he's right, say every other month, not twice in one day!"
K "Alright! Gig's up! We know you aren't Neal! Who are you?!"
D "Speak up!"
N "I'm screwed…"
K "Yes you are you, you, IMPOSTER!"
D "How dare you trick us like that?!"
N "Did you two get into Numair's stupid potion again?"
D "NO! That only happened once!"
K "Yah!"
N "Hmm, I wonder if it had lasting effects…"
K "Repeat that."
D "Yes, please do…"
N "You know what, I just remembered something I have to do…"
D "No."
N "What?"
K "You aren't going anywhere buddy, unless it's with us."
N "I'm screwed."
D "ENOUGH ALREADY!"
N "Not until you stop calling me Blossom/Meathead/Nealan."
D "Never mind then… Blossom."
N "ARGH!"
K "My he yells real nice…"
D "Agreed."
K "Now, where were we?"
N "About ten minutes away from doing punishment work for the rest of our pitiful being."
D "He's a bit of a pessimist, no?"
N "With YOU for a cousin, and YOU for a best friend, who wouldn't be?!"
K "I think that was an insult…"
N "No, ya think?!"
D "Again, no, not usually."
N "Black God have mercy on my soul!"
K "You have a soul? Huh, you learn something new everyday."
N "I don't have to put up with this…"
D "Oh? And what are you going to do about it?"
N "I'm going t- absolutely nothing!"
K "That's good. I would hate to have to hurt you."
N "Right."
D "Back to a comment made a while ago, you know, before we thought Blossom was an imposter?"
N "I'm going to be scarred for life by that name."
K "That's nice. Now be quiet so the nice sergeant can talk."
N "Hah! Nice my a-"
D "Good choice. Anyways, what is taking us so long?!"
K "Hmm…"
N "Hmm…"
D "Blossom! You can think?!"
N "Wow, I hate you right about now."
D "Do you?"
K "Nealan! You are so rude! I want a five-page essay on manners. Tomorrow!"
N "But, but!"
K "No buts about it, or it'll be ten!"
N "I'm screwed."
D "This gets more and more amusing every minute!"
N "For you maybe…"
K "So anyways, I was walking down the street, when this dog just walked up to me and said-"
N "Kel, are you feeling alright?"
D "Of course she is! You're the loony one!"
N "Why me?! Why me?!"
D "Because you're fun to torture!"
N "I would be."
K "Blossom, have you ever considering the nice healers?"
D "He did, they went mad."
K "Now there's a surprise!"
N "At least someone's on my side!"
D "Meathead, I think she was being sarcastic."
N "Well then!"
K "There really is no point in reasoning with him is there?"
D "Why do you think I call him Meathead?"
N "I'm right here, you know."
K "So?"
N "I'm screwed."
K "Look! We're almost there!"
N "It's about time!"
D "Uh oh."
K "You know what this means?"
N/K/D "We're screwed."
The End [Or is it the beginning?]