Title: See
Author: Mandy
E-mail: [email protected]
Rating: R Spoilers: The Third Horseman (S1)
Archive: Please ask. Summary: 'He shone so bright, and he'd managed to blind
himself in the process.'
Disclaimer: Not mine blah blah blah no infringement intended, no profit gained.
Author's notes: Contains adult themes and concepts relating to abortion.
See
It was difficult to watch him, spinning so violently in the middle of everything, so vibrant and animated.
Somewhere between the computers and the arraignment, Alex realised that he didn't see her. He just didn't see her.
He shone so bright, and he'd managed to blind himself in the process.
*
If she were to look through the scope of the rifle, if she were to line it up just like Griscom did, she would have seen officers assisting the judge out of his bullet proof vest. But she didn't look, because Bobby was watching Griscom get pushed into a car on the street below, peering over the edge of the building.
"You were good," she said softly. The last of the detectives left the rooftop, closing the door behind him, and Bobby turned around to face her.
"If the feds take jurisdiction he'll get the needle anyway," he said.
They stood in silence, and Alex willed him to look at her, really look at her. See me, she thought, see me.
"A life for a life for a life," he said, crossing his arms over his chest, "It won't ever end."
"A collection of cells is not a life," she said, and walked away.
*
Her father came to stay for the week, gruff and unassuming and he even crammed himself onto the sofa bed rather than taking her room.
She didn't object, because she would need the bed after anyway.
They told her mother that he was helping her retile the bathroom, and he was, for the days she was at work. They didn't speak of it, they didn't mention it, because she was 27 and a cop and things like this weren't supposed to happen to women who had their life under control.
But three tests said positive, and so did her doctor.
*
He drove, for once, because she gave him the keys and ignored his curious glance. Look harder, she thought. You can understand everybody in the world but you never even tried with me.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
*
Her father drove, because her hands were shaking so badly she didn't trust herself with the wheel. At a red light, he touched a hand to her shoulder.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
*
"Yes," she said simply.
*
Bobby was thinking about Griscom suiciding, and lingered around lockup well past midnight. Eames waited for him, because she always did, and when he was ready to go he bounced in front of her with his coat slung over his arm.
"Are you ready?" he asked.
In the elevator his hand brushed fleetingly over her hair, and it was his way of telling her to take him straight back to her place. For the first time, it made her more than a little furious.
They were just partners, except for when he decided they were more.
*
She lay still in her flimsy hospital gown, staring up at her father. They both ignored the nurse that bustled around with a needle and her veins.
"You don't have to do this," he father said, very quietly, "We'll support you."
She blinked back tears, and shook her head.
"We're ready to go now," the nurse said gently.
She waved with two fingers until he was out of sight.
*
"Jesus, Bobby, condom!"
Alex slapped at his chest, shoved at his shoulders, and with a muffled gasp Bobby rolled away, breathing hard in the darkness.All the passion left her, and Alex curled on her side, her back to him.
"A-Alex?" he murmured, and his hand slid gently across her shoulder, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."
In her mind, she acknowledged that it wasn't his fault; they had just gotten carried away in the heat of the moment. The kisses got deeper, the touches got hotter, and she had urged him closer, settled him between her thighs and welcomed him to the cradle of her hips and it always felt so completely perfect for him to press, so slowly, inside…
But one little slip was all it took.
Bobby leaned over her, and turned on the bedside lamp. He pressed up close behind her, kissing her shoulder and running a hand down her arm."Alex," he whispered, "What is this about?"
She rolled onto her back, tugging the sheets up over her breasts, and his head was tilted, his face so serious.
Ah, she thought, now you see.
*
She lay in silence for three days. Her father brought her inoffensive things to eat and glasses of juice and she lay curled in her bed with her arms wrapped around her stomach.
And she bled.
Alex decided she'd never have sex again, because everything hurt so damn much and sex had gotten her into trouble in the first place. She heard her father making a phone call to Joey in the next room and yell down the phone about responsibility, and she didn't even care.
It was her father who finally broker her reverie, in the cold grey dawn of one early morning when she'd been crying without even realising it. He sat on the edge of the bed, and took her hand.
"It wasn't a baby, Lexi," he told her gruffly, "You didn't kill anything, there was nothing alive enough to kill."
*
"I had an abortion," she told him, "I wasn't young and naïve. I knew better. I was 27 years old, I knew the risks and I got pregnant. I wasn't… I didn't want a baby, Bobby."
She heard his deep sigh.
"You grew up Catholic, didn't you Bobby? So did I. My mother was practicing, my father wasn't, and I grew up a little of both. But each of my parents taught me to love myself. And I couldn't love that baby, I just couldn't," Alex said, and there were tears in her voice and throat but she kept going, "Joey left me because he wasn't ready to be a father, and I let him leave because I wasn't ready to be a mother. I couldn't have that baby."
"Are you sorry?" Bobby asked.
*
She went quiet, letting the tears roll down her cheeks silently, and her father looked so pained it was as though his heart was breaking. He squeezed her hand gently.
"Are you very sorry?" he asked.
*
"Not for the baby, no," she said, "Sorry for me."
*
Bobby turned her around, pulling her into his arms and she let him. She looked up at him. Here I am, she thought, this is me. This is what I did.
"Did you do the right thing?" he asked. She felt her spine harden.
"The law says I did."
"But I'm not asking if the law thought you did. I want to know if you think you did the right thing."
His face was so careful and serious, his eyes so dark and compassionate. He touched her face gently, and there was just that little edge of understanding there, that little glint in his gaze that told her he knew, he understood, he saw.
He finally saw.
*
"It wasn't alive," she said, and her father stroked her hair away from her face. She nodded slowly, "I wasn't ready."
"Then why are you crying?"
*
"I did the right thing. I wouldn't be human if it didn't hurt, but I did the right thing," she said.
*
Bobby brought her breakfast in bed the next morning, a tray with toast, coffee, the paper and a single white rose. He sat beside her on the bed, taking her hand. She lifted her chin.
"I have an appointment with my clinic today… to get tested," he said.
She figured it would be at least a week for tests to come back, maybe two for the pill to kick in… if she got a script right away.
"I guess you think you've got me all figured out, huh?" Alex said slowly. Bobby smiled, just a tiny smile.
"Not even a little bit," he said. He raised her hand to his lips, kissing the tips of her fingers gently, and said quietly, "But… I think it's about time I tried."
-fin
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