Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII. It would be great if I did (because I would make this would SO happen - er, only more in-character) but alas I don't. SQUEENIX.
Rating: R; Cloud POV, slight Aeris and Tifa bashing (in jest, people!), major OOC moments, made-up shit and YAOI YAOI YAOI. Don't like yaoi? Too bad, it's in here, so fuck off.
Pairing: I LOVE SEPHIROTH X ZACK X CLOUD! …I mean, Sephiroth x Zack x Cloud. Or maybe it's more Seph x Cloud x Zack. Whatever. Shut up, I'm no pervert you perverts. ::shifty eyes::
Notes: …yes. Enjoy the insanity. Remember, crack is bad for you.

——————————

"I've finally got some free time today! I think I'll write a letter to my mom about how great it is to be a grunt for ShinRa!" I announce to Zack as I bound merrily into our room. I'm not usually a bounder, so I think that's the reason why he's looking at me strangely right now.

Zack tilts his head and stares at me. "Why're you bounding, Spike?"

I blink at him.

Then again.

And for a third and final time. Now I can answer confidently, as I have done a sufficient amount of blinking.

There is a method to my madness, you know.

"Because I'm happy, Zack!"

I know my face doesn't look it, though. I'm kinda spooky that way.

Now it's Zack's turn to blink. "Oh."

Whoa, what a fantastic response!

Man, I wish I could be a First Class like Zack. Maybe I will pretend to be some day, sometime after Sephiroth goes insane and tries to kill us turning Zack and I into test subjects.

My Sephiroth is so awesome. I wanna be like him one day. Or maybe just a Sephiroth-clone.

But I guess I'll just have to settle for fucking Sephiroth instead - for now, anyway.

I point at Zack suddenly, and he looks confused. Wait, no. He looks like he's high.

…well, that would explain why he's always so exuberant and cheery. Loco Weed is fun.

Don't do drugs.

"You didn't blink enough," I tell him.

Zack blinks again. "What?"

I furrow my eyebrows and frown. It sucks that Zack doesn't understand the importance of sufficient blinking. How did he make it into SOLDIER if he didn't know that? I guess I'll have to teach him my secrets one of these days before he dies whilst saving me from Professor Hojo's lab.

Since I haven't answered him yet, Zack shrugs and turns away. He's reading porn at his desk. As everyone in this fandom knows, Zack likes his porn… almost as much as he likes his humming.

Speaking of humming, he just started! Meh, I hate this song. It sounds like that one from Loveless that's so annoying you feel like shooting yourself in the head.

Or the cast of Loveless.

"I'd rather shoot everyone in Loveless," Zack mutters spitefully, turning a page, making me see boobies. They're probably fake like Tifa's will be in six years when I'm pretending to be Zack and helping AVALANCHE to save the Planet from Meteor.

"What's AVALANCHE?"

I blink three times. "What?"

Zack raises an eyebrow and turns the page again. I see more fake boobies. "I asked you, 'what's AVALANCHE'?"

I get a frowny face. I'm so cute and innocent. "What're you talkin' about?"

To tell you the truth, I actually don't care what he's gonna say. I think I'll just pull his weird, spiky hedgehog hair instead of listening to him.

I reach forward and pull Zack's weird, spiky hedgehog hair before he can answer me.

"Ow!" He rubs the back of his head and looks at me.

Zack's so hot. I feel like jumping him and having some wild monkey sex on my bunk - which is the top one, mind you, meaning it'll be very shaky and unstable as I get my hot little ass pounded just like it does when I'm having hard, dirty sex with Sephiroth. Really, I don't know how I can get laid without waking Zack. It's amazing - not just because of the creaky wall-banging bunk, but also because I'm girlishly loud.

Hey, why did Zack's eyes get so big all of a sudden?

Ah, a knock at the door! A perfect distraction from his sexy SOLDIER ass. Zack makes a weird squeaky sound as I open the door.

Wow, look who it is! I open the door to see the one and only General Sephiroth standing right in front of me as Zack asks, "What did you say about my ass?!"

Sephiroth blinks three times.

See, he understands the importance of confused blinking.

"I didn't say anything about your ass today."

Zack shakes his head. "No, not you, Cloud - wait, what?"

"Huh?" Hee. Seph is so sexy when he's confused.

"What?!"

"Nothing."

Wow, with all this confusion, Sephiroth's even hotter than normal. I'm so lucky to be friends with Zack and the General. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy and horny as I think of sweet, sweet man-on-man-on-boy love.

"Cloud…," Seph starts, looking confused, "why are Zack's eyeballs bulging like that?"

Zack gapes with his mouth open. Oh how I want to do bad things to, with and in Zack's mouth. "Didn't you hear Cloud say something about a threesome?!"

"Ooh, you mean we're finally going to?!" Seph's mouth begins to water.

Hey…

"Zack, I barely talked to you today. I was only thinking about sex with you both," I state pointedly.

Sephiroth's eyes begin to glow very brightly as he starts to pant a little.

/boy-sex boy-sex boy-sex—!/

Zack rests his head in his hands - thank god, he finally put down that magazine with the icky boobies. "So you never said that weird threesome thing out loud?" he mumbles.

I smile. "Nope! Just wondering what it would be like to get fucked by the both of you at the same time." I stop smiling. "Wait a sec…"

Sephiroth still looks a little weird. Kinda like his heart's gonna 'splode. I wonder if he feels sick?

/—boy-sex boy-sex boy-sex Sephy likes his boy-sex—/

Zack frowns. "What the hell is going on?"

He raises an interesting question. I really don't know.

"Neither do I. This is making my head hurt…"

Sephiroth stops gaping. For now, anyway. "Who are you talking to, Zack?"

"Spike."

"But I didn't say anything," I reply cutely.

Zack makes a confused face. "Yeah, Cloud, you did."

"No, I didn't."

"He didn't, Zack. I was there. Trust me, I know these things."

/because I'm so sexy./

"What does being sexy have to do with anything?"

"You think I'm sexy?" Sephiroth grins.

Zack shakes his head. "No, you said something about being sexy."

"So you don't think Seph is sexy?" I ask, rubbing Sephiroth's tight little tummy. Sephiroth pouts a bit at this revelation.

"No—wait, yes—damn, I mean no!—Shit! Maybe!"

Hm, it seems that Zack has lost his mind.

"No I haven't! I'm just confused!"

"Sexually?"

Zack turns and locks eyes with Sephiroth.

…I hope they kiss.

"…I'm not gonna kiss Sephiroth… dammit… I have a girlfriend!"

"I didn't tell you to kiss him!" I'm sulking on the inside. It's too bad… they'd be hot to watch make out. Zack makes me oh-so-horny.

I'm surprised Zack's so faithful to his girlfriend. It's too bad he doesn't know she's gonna be a bitch and dump him because of his work for ShinRa. It's kinda her mom's fault though. But Aeris sucks anyway and she's not as hot as Sephiroth even though they look grossly similar.

Plus she has boobies.

I'm glad my sexy hero kills her.

"Wha…?"

"He really didn't tell you to kiss me, Zack."

/too bad, though. I'd love to make out with you, baby. God what a sweet ass./

"Really?"

Sephiroth shakes his head. He has such pretty hair. "Nope."

"No…" Zack raises an eyebrow. "I mean, you really want to make out with me?"

Sephiroth scoffs. "Of course not! You're my friend!"

/hee hee, I'm such a dirty, dirty liar. Spank me, Zack, spank me!/

Zack says, "……"

Wow, I wish I could speak in ellipses. Zack is so talented as well as hung like a horse.

"WHAT!?"

"WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME!?" Seph yells, getting pissed off.

Hmm, I wonder if I should step in and say something.

Nah, I'll just sit here and be cute.

"I WASN'T YELLING!!" Zack yells and then turns to me. "Goddammit, Cloud, will you shut the fuck UP!?"

"Hey, don't you yell at my small-but-very-flexible-and-sexually-talented lover!" Sephiroth shouts angrily. Geez, he gets so pissy over me sometimes.

Since the door is open, a couple SOLDIERs look inside and blink insufficiently, so I give them the finger and they leave.

"Besides," Sephiroth continues, "Cloud didn't even say anything."

Aww, Sephy's defending me. It's too bad he's going to impale me on the Masamune in a little over a year and burn down my town. Eh, that's okay, though. I'll still love him and will probably end up committing suicide after I kill him. Aeris and Tifa can go to hell.

…wait, Tifa can go to hell, because Aeris will already be dead.

"Why do you keep saying these cryptic things about Seph going schizo and attacking us and how the HELL do you know Aeris!?"

Sephiroth blinks. "I shot who in the what now?"

I think I missed something. "Who's Aeris?"

"My girlfriend - you know, the one who you keep talking about!" Zack says a little too loudly. Agh! My ears are sensitive little boy-ears, Zack! They can only handle so much yelling at one time!

"Sorry," Zack apologizes.

"For what?"

"For yelling at you…"

I shrug. "I don't care if you yell."

Zack groans. "You… just said you had 'sensitive little boy-ears'."

"I'm confused," Sephiroth announces… confused. "I'm fairly certain his ears aren't all that sensitive. To yelling, anyway." Sephiroth pauses. "They are sensitive to my tongue, however."

Zack blinks.

Seph leans close to Zack. "You see, during foreplay and beyond, he enjoys it when I lick them. He makes much, much noise… so much so that I've had to double-soundproof my office." Sephiroth leans closer and bluntly states, "Cloud is very loud during sex, Zack."

Zack stares at him.

Come to think of it, I'm a bit confused as well. You'd think the author would let us catch on to what's going on by now, other than the fact that she's obsessed with the thought of Seph having frequent, forceful yaoi doujinshi-style sex with me.

And not that it's painfully obvious already what Zack has the ability to, um, do.

-quiet, you. I'm trying to make this funny.-

It's not really working. And thanks, now Seph and Zack are staring at me.

-heh, yeah. That's because when you talk to me, you have this look on your face. It's funny.-

Really? What's it look like?

"Like you're about to shit your pants," Zack answers.

Sephiroth makes a face and moves away from Zack a little.

"Hey, who are you talking to, Spike?" Zack's concerned about me. Aww.

Unlike Sephiroth, who is just staring like a goon.

"Seph is a goon," says Zack.

"Hey!!" Sephiroth is now mad… with fury!

"Okay, that time I didn't see your lips move."

Seph looks like he wants to say 'huh?'

I speak for him. "Huh?"

Zack sighs, "When you said Seph was 'mad with fury'… it's redundant and stupid, but you did say it, and when you did your lips didn't move."

"I don't remember sayin' that."

Seph looks like he wants to say 'huh?' again.

/……why am I portrayed as dumb today?/

"You said it, Cloud."

"Nuh uh."

/I'm supposed to be the smart one./

"Yes you did."

"Nope."

/I'm the freakin' highest-ranked SOLDIER on the Planet, of course I'm the smartest…/

"Yeah, you did…"

"Did not!"

Seph is lost in his own little world, I think.

/…besides, I'm too sexy to be stupid. Geez./

Zack hits his head on the desk. Hard.

I wonder if Zack knows that Sephiroth and I had wild, dirty sex in several impossible positions on that desk last night and forgot to clean it off afterwards. Oops.

"Dear god!!" Zack jumps back in fright and stares at Seph and me. Damn, he's talented. "You guys fucked on my desk?!"

Sephiroth shiftily averts his eyes. "Um… nooo…" He shakes his head violently. "Not in your bed, either."

"And definitely not more than five times," I supply.

Seph turns to me and smirks. "And not upside-down one of those not-five times."

I nod and glance coquettishly at Zack. "And we definitely didn't take pictures of the not-upside-down non-sex that was not in your bed."

Sephiroth nods sagely. "We weren't going to use those not-photos to not entice you into a non-wild night of un-hot not-yaoi non-sex without us, either."

Zack's eyes are all buggy.

I tilt my head. "How did you know that I didn't have not-sex without Sephiroth not on your desk, anyway?"

He thinks for a second but stops. Zack looks like his head really hurts. "…I heard you say it," he says slowly, not exactly sure if that's the right answer for such a badly-laid question.

"Ah, but I didn't say it." I smile. "I was thinking it!"

I think I deserve to raise my fist triumphantly.

I raise my fist triumphantly and Seph smiles.

"…oh."

Oo, how mild!

Sephiroth raises an eyebrow questioningly. "I was thinking about boy-sex and how hot and smart and sexually adventurous I am. I'm conceited."

Zack blinks. "I heard that, too."

"And you chose to ignore it? How dare you!"

"I figured it was for the best," Zack shrugs. "So I can read your minds?"

Hmm, I think. Can he?

-…uh… yes…-

Why?

-…I thought it would be funny…?-

"You're failing with the funny," Zack adds.

/yep. Badly./

Now this is an odd twist of events. How come I can hear Seph's thoughts?

-…'cause, stupid, you're reading what I write.-

But I couldn't before?

/and vice-versa?/

"So I don't get an inner monologue?" Zack gets all pouty at this.

-…guess not.-

/…wait. Whose question did you answer?/

-um… I'll get back to you on that.-

/…in the meantime, may I have boy-sex with the two of them?/

-sure, go wild.-

Zack once again buries his face in his hands. I wonder what's wrong with him.

"Dammit, Spike, if you want to know what's wrong then just ask me," Zack snaps. "I didn't snap!" Zack yells. "I DIDN'T YELL!!" Zack shrieks.

I look up at Sephiroth, who is currently contemplating our current situation intently.

/—boy-sex boy-sex sexy Sephy gets some boy-sex—/

Zack throws his hands into the air. "Agh! Stop with the fucking boy-sex already!!"

Zack's agitated.

"No shit."

Really agitated.

"Look," Zack starts, being very irate and definitely not acting the way someone should if they want sex with me and Sephiroth later on, "I'm just… not in the mood for this mind-reading bullshit today!"

Sephiroth whips out the Masamune.

He has a big sword.

I like it.

A lot.

Hee.

"Hey!" Sephiroth raises his voice, "It isn't bullshit!"

He's right.

"You're right!"

Zack sighs. "Cloud, do you have to keep reiterating everything? It's wearing just a little thin."

Oh crap, I made Zack mad again. I better act cute or else.

"Zack!" Seph starts, "Look! Cloud's acting cute!"

Zack groans. "I need a drink…"

-eh… I can put you guys in a bar, if you want…-

"How can you do that?"

-duh, I'm the supreme overlord of this fic.-

Sephiroth raises his eyebrow. "'Fic'?"

"Who are you?" Zack asks, very much suspicious.

-the author, Jen. Go by Jen0va, too.-

/Mommy?/

-…no, I just took her name.-

/oh, that's too bad./

-no, it really isn't. I'm quite happy not being a malformed, headless torso, thank you very much.-

/really?/ Sephiroth sounds incredulous.

-yes. ::snaps fingers::-

"Hey, we're in a bar," I say I say I say.

Zack tilts his head. "Was that repetition really necessary?"

"Nope."

I look over at Sephiroth, who is still pointing the Masamune at me for some strange reason. And thinking about it, this kinda feels like the time I'm going to be at the bottom of the Northern Crater with him during the final battle where I kill him and then cry.

"How can it remind you of something that hasn't happened yet?" Zack wonders aloud.

I blink. "What do you mean?"

"You just said that—no, you know what? Fuck it." Zack calls over to the bartender and orders a whiskey. Wow, isn't Zack so manly? He's drinking such a manly drink. I love him so. He's so manly. Manly man.

"…you love me?"

"Yes, Zack, I love you!" Sephiroth blurts out.

…that kind of hurt a little.

"…I was talkin' to Cloud, Seph, but… uh… thanks…?"

Sephiroth quickly slides over to Zack and feels his knee and inner thigh under the table. "Mmm, so does that mean I can fuck you?" he asks huskily, nibbling on Zack's ear.

Zack blushes a little and turns his head away like a little blushy girl just like I do all the time. I clear my throat and throw myself across the table. I'm so lithe and cute. No wonder everybody wants me.

"Yeah, Zack, will you fuck me, too?"

Zack's eyes go wider. I think Sephiroth has his hand on Zack's crotch. "…err… I… you guys… I'm not drunk… enough… for this… yet…," Zack sputters and moves away from Seph.

Sephiroth pouts dejectedly then pulls me into his lap. Yay, I like sitting in Sephiroth's lap. I wiggle my butt and he growls.

Zack is scared.

"Don't be scared, Zack!" I exclaim. "I'm just being a tease now so he'll be wilder later on because he has to spend all the passion he has now, then."

"…you make my head hurt," says he.

"Here is the whiskey for you!" the waitress butts in like a cheap, stupid whore. She winks at Zack and smiles, and I think Zack would smile back if I wasn't shooting death glares at him with my pretty blue eyes and if Sephiroth wasn't trying his damnedest to get his hand down the front of Zack's pants.

Zack drinks his drink quickly to try and forget what's going on before he proceeds to order a few more.

"Let's have him get drunk so we can take advantage of him," I whisper to Sephiroth.

Sephiroth nods and leers at Zack's hot, hard body as he drinks very quickly.

"I can hear you, you know…," Zack mutters behind his glass.

Oh, that's right.

…I don't think Zack wants to participate in a three-way with the General and me tonight anyway. That's too bad, too, because I hear I'm really good at giving head.

"You're good at…?" Zack shakes his head and slams his palms on the table. "No! Bad thoughts! Have girlfriend!"

Oh well, I can still hope.

"Don't hold your breath," Zack again mutters.

Sephiroth sighs and tugs distractedly on Zack's zipper. "How can you still deny us after all this time? You know we're sexy and you can't resist fucking anything as long as it stands on two legs."

"Hey!" Zack exclaims defensively, "That isn't true! That's just inane fanon!"

"Besides," Sephiroth continues, ignoring him, still working at his pants, "I wouldn't mind if you plan to sleep your way up the company ladder. You know I have the highest connections." Sephiroth pauses and smiles. "You should be glad you know somebody as high-ranked as I am, Zack."

"I'm already your assistant," Zack points out, "I can't get much higher than that without taking your position."

"I'll put you in an even better position," Seph states as he continues to try and open those goddamn tricky pants, then winks suggestively and blows Zack a kiss.

I turn around to look at Sephiroth. "Hey, if you don't mind someone sleeping their way up the company ladder," I start with a frown, "then how come I'm still a grunt?"

Sephiroth smiles like a wolf. "Because I like it when you grunt, Cloud."

I glare at him. "I don't appreciate your bad joke, sir."

Zack giggles. Good, the ten shots he's had so far is starting to get to him. Damn Mako-fucked tolerance.

"Make me a SOLDIER, Sephiroth, right now!" I demand. I can be rather bratty sometimes, and I usually get my way - just ask Barret in several years when I meet him for the first time.

Sephiroth raises his eyebrow sexily. His dirty mind is working on overdrive today… I like it. "I think I need a little persuasion," he growls, licking my neck.

Zack giggles again. "If that wasn't a blatant proposition…"

Sephiroth looks at him. "It wasn't a blatant proposition. I'm beyond propositions with him."

I nod. It's true. "That was a out-and-out demand," I tell him. After a pause, I mention, "Besides, he licked me."

Now it's Zack's turn to raise an eyebrow. "You know, you guys have suspiciously copious amounts of sex."

Sephy smiles and nods.

I giggle a bit.

Zack blinks. "Um…"

"It's from the Mako," Sephiroth says with a grin, pointing at himself.

"And I'm a hard-to-resist raging nymphomaniac piece of sexy blonde jailbait," I add.

Sephiroth winks at Zack, paying no attention to me, as usual. "Hojo may be inept but he's a very good man to me."

Zack blinks. "Ew, you fuck Hojo too?"

Sephiroth chokes. "Ick, no! The man is my daddy," Seph rolls his eyes. "I heard something about a Turk, though. Don't quite understand that one."

"I do!" I shout, bouncing in Seph's hard lap. He shudders a little and his eyes roll back into his head before he impulsively grinds into me. "I remember, I'm going to hear this story in a few years: his name is Vincent Valentine. He was screwing around with Hojo's fucktoy around the time you were conceived."

Sephiroth gasps - but whether it's from the partial dry-humping or my revelation is up for your own interpretation. "You mean he was cheating on Mother?"

I shake my head. "Nope! Your real mother's name is Lucrecia. She's dead now though. Ish." I pause then shake my head. "But Hojo is going to plant files in the library in the basement of ShinRa Mansion during a very important mission so you can find them and read them all during the course of several days - therefore denying Zack and I of your sweet mansex, leaving us to find our own amusement which shouldn't be too hard considering by the end of this story we're all going to fuck - and after which you will go crazy because think you find out that you were produced and therefore not human at all and burn down Nibelheim in a fit of rage, cut off Jenova's head, try to kill both Zack and my whore-'friend' Tifa and leave us for dead, but not before I throw you into a pit of Lifestream at the bottom of the reactor after you impale me on the Masamune."

I stop to take a much-needed breath.

"But Hojo will come in with some other workers for ShinRa and find out you're dead for the time being, take Zack and I to try and turn us into clones of you - because all previous other attempts at cloning you will fail, badly… your clones all come out pretty retarded for some reason, but I think it could from inbreeding - and I will actually be the only one who successfully reacts to the Jenova cells because I love you so much my snookums, and five years after torture in Hojo's lab Zack will save me from that place and have hard, five-years-chaste sex with my Mako-poisoned body in the flatbed of some old guy's truck as we hitch a ride to the outskirts of Midgar."

I take another breath.

"But Zack is gonna be shot to death by a group of regulars after Hojo sends out a search party for us, and consequently, I assume Zack's life because I wanted him so badly and because he's my friend and I saw him die and stuff, so I will go into Midgar and meet my surprisingly not-dead whore-'friend' Tifa where she will lie to me and lead me to believe that I am actually Cloud of Nibelheim when she really isn't sure, and I will join her in a rebel group against ShinRa named AVALANCHE where we will go out and blow up Mako reactors and I will have flashbacks of Zack talking to me like he does now whilst denying you and I of sweet lovin', and I will meet his annoying now-girlfriend Aeris who tries to get into my pants every second she can because she sees you in me, Zack. She's worse than Seph in that 'take-off-your-pants-let's-fuck' respect."

I take a breath again.

At this point, Zack looks rather creeped out. Sephiroth, on the other hand, looks contemplative. And turned on because he's grinding on me to the best of his seated ability.

"So we're going to invade the ShinRa building, meet up with a panther-slash-wolf thing who tries to mate with Aeris because of Hojo - because, as we all are well aware, Hojo is a fucking freak - even though Aeris is a human but Hojo doesn't care because he wants her to pass on at least a little bit of the Cetra genetics, of course. Anyway, in the building we find that you've come back to the dead and killed President ShinRa, therefore I will have to seek you out and take my revenge on you because I guess I'm angry you killed my mother and such, blah, blah, blah. Oh yeah, then you kill Aeris. YOU MUST KILL AERIS WHEN SHE GOES TO PRAY. Got it?"

"Fascinating." Sephiroth rubs his chin - and my ass. "…Valentine, you say?"

I nod. "Yep."

"Very good. Send him regards from non-crazy Sephiroth of the past, will you?"

I give Seph a salute. "Will do, sir."

"It sounds like you just outlined the plot of a bad video game," Zack mutters.

I blink. "Because I did! …'cept it's not a bad one. It's awesome."

Zack raises his eyebrow. "…what?"

"Nothing."

Zack makes a face at me.

I stare.

Sephiroth looks horny still. I wiggle my ass in return and he spanks me.

Zack guzzles a whole bottle of whiskey before talking again. "…Cloud, how the hell do you know all this shit about the future?"

I blink. "Huh?"

"If you can see the future, why don't you do something now to keep Seph from going crazy then?"

I blink again. "You're insane, Zack. I never said anything about the future."

"It's true. Geez, get a clue," Sephiroth laughs. "It was obviously a well thought-out description of what will probably happen if you don't submit your incredible body to me tonight."

Zack just looks at us with his mouth hanging open.

Sephiroth can't handle the sight of Zack with his mouth just hanging open for the taking like that so he leans over and grabs Zack's head, slipping him the tongue.

I grin.

"G't offa 'e!" Zack yells around Sephiroth's tongue. His voice is slurry… which can only mean that Zack's getting drunk.

Yay.

I crawl over the table and start pulling off his shirt, but Zack first slaps Sephiroth then slaps me.

"Knock it off!!!"

Seph sighs. "You cannot resist the 'power of Jenova' for very long, Zack."

Zack snorts. "Sure I can. Don't I resist the power of Jenova, Cloud?"

"I wish you wouldn't," I state, "because I would like to fuck you one of these days before I don't know what's happening."

Sephiroth nods. "And I would like to fuck you one of these days, period. Today, preferably. And right here on this very floor. Within the hour as well, if it isn't too much trouble."

Zack puts his head in his hands. "I don't get why you guys wanna fuck me so bad."

I smile. "Because, Zack," I pat him on the shoulder, "we're petty and very gay."

"And you're hot," Seph says to Zack. "You're just about as sexy as Cloud is."

…that doesn't sound right. "Hey."

Zack frowns. I pet his arm and he swats me away. "I'm better looking than that little kid…," he pouts. "I mean, look at me…"

Sephiroth and I both take long, indulgent looks at Zack.

Too bad he isn't naked right now.

"…I've got more muscles than Cloud… and I'm taller…," Zack continues, looking down at himself. Geez, he's awfully sullen over this. I wonder what I should do to make him feel better? "…plus, Cloud looks like a little girl…"

Screw making him feel better… that's the line…!!

"Look here, you!" I start, sounding like a flustered woman in an old film. I kneel on the table, unaware I'm presenting myself to Seph, "I don't look like a girl, dammit! I look like a boy! I'm only fifteen years old! You're nineteen (in the author's head)! Of course I look feminine compared to you, you're a SOLDIER First!!"

Seph doesn't listen to me, eyes my tight little butt and spanks me again. That one hurt a little… what's with him and the spanking lately?

I look back at him and rub my sore ass. "OW."

He smiles.

He's so pretty.

I can forgive him easily.

Oh well… it's not like he hasn't spanked me before.

…with paddles.

…that we happened to find under Zack's mattress right next to that ball-gag and the handcuffs and fruit-flavored lotions.

Naturally, Seph and I put them all to good use.

Very good use.

…I'll have to ask Zack about his owning that stuff later on.

Zack coughs, looking at me. "Err… about that ball-gag… it's… not… mine…?"

I lift my eyebrow.

"It's a friend's…"

My eyebrow goes up farther.

"…he lives in the barracks… somewhere…"

I think if I raise my eyebrow any more, my forehead will slide off. Gross, no? "What's his rank?"

Zack blinks. "…SOLDIER… Second…?"

I stare.

"…you don't know him."

"How come I've never met him?"

"Because…" Zack thinks. He likes to think. I think. "…'cause… he doesn't… like you."

He stops talking when he realizes what he said just pissed Seph off pretty bad because Sephiroth hates it when people don't like me - but also hates it when people like me too much, a fact I will learn in about six years' time - even though what Zack said made very little sense. How can someone not like me if I don't know them?

I mean, come on. I'm cute!

"What's his name?"

Zack swears under his breath. "Uh…" His eyes look around the room for a minute and catches sight of the waitress, holding someone's tab in her hand. I can tell what he's looking at because I'm watching his eyes. I'm so clever. Heh, heh, heh. "…it's…Bill…?"

Sephiroth puts his elbows on the table and narrows his eyes at Zack. "I know this Bill you speak of," he states gravely.

Zack blinks. "…really?!"

"Yes."

Zack's eyes dart. "Um… okay…"

I don't think he believes Sephiroth. How dare he!

Zack coughs weakly. "Then I guess… you know how… he is… then……?"

Seph nods. "Kinkier than I am." He blinks. "And that's pretty kinky," he says, gesturing to the straps across his chest. Seph's really into the leather.

And kink.

But even with his kinkiness, he gets really angry if you pull his hair.

Well, unless you're riding him, of course, then it's an exception.

"Okay then…"

Seph suddenly pulls out his PHS and begins to dial up ShinRa HQ.

Zack cringes. "Seph, what're you doing…?"

"Calling somebody."

"…Seph…?"

"I'm ON. THE PHONE," Sephiroth complains, shushing Zack. "Hello, Tseng? Yes, it's me, Sephiroth." Seph giggles. "Oh, you."

I blink.

"Aw, c'mon, hun, stop teasing me!" Seph giggles again.

…um.

"Tsee--eeengyyyyy, stoooo--oooop…"

…okay…

Seph giggles and blushes a little.

…is he cheating on me with Tseng?

"Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh. My. God. Did he really!?" Seph squeals like a girl and covers his mouth with his hand.

I look at Zack, who seems just as puzzled as I am.

"Oh, wow, Tseng-Tseng-chan, I'm so happy for you!"

…Tseng-Tseng-chan…?

"Oh, you GO, girlfriend!"

Zack glances at me and I shrug before turning to continue gaping at Seph.

"Uh huh! Oh, yeah, definitely! Listen, did I tell you about the time when Rufus—"

…okay, we all know Sephiroth is uber gay, but does he have to act like a gossipy girl, too!? I mean, even gay guys can retain some shred of masculinity…

-…I like fucking with his image. It makes me giggle.-

"That isn't very nice of you," Zack observes. "It'll be damaging to his career… not to mention it's really ridiculously OOC."

"Yeah," I add, "it doesn't make sense for you to have him to play the 'best girlfriend' role. That doesn't fit his personality at all…" I look over to Seph, who is still squealing and giggling stupidly. "…and it's not even funny."

Zack is quite obviously disgusted.

"—YES, I know, me too! I was all like 'Ugh, I cannot believe Scarlet wore that!' I mean, come on, how much skankier does she have to GET!? It's like—"

…this can't be the secret side of the General of ShinRa. It can't. It's just too painful…

"…kill me now," Zack wishes, gaping.

"—Oh, sure. Yeah, uh huh. And then she's like—"

-hee, hee, hee…-

"…make. Him. STOP," Zack growls, very close to slitting his own throat to stop the pain.

"—Yeah, oh, for real. Oh, don't even; Reno's such a whore. Ugh, omigod I know—"

…I don't know if I can respect him ever again, not to mention picture myself having sex with him, after this.

"—Listen, so anyway, the reason I called you is so you can go and get a guy for me." Seph stops to giggle and lowers his voice. "No, silly, not like that, you know I'm with Cloud…"

Yeah, well, if he keeps acting like that, I dunno for how much longer.

Zack nods in agreement.

"Right. Yep. Look, be a doll and find someone named Bill. I want ya to seize all of his kinky sex-toys then kill him. 'kay, hun?"

Zack and I look at each other. Yes, we both heard Sephiroth say 'hun' for the second time ever, and our hearts are in such pain…

"Mm. Thanks a lot, Tsengy, you're a dear. Love ya, babe! Toodles!"

And, thankfully… Sephiroth FINALLY hangs up the PHS, stuffing the receiver back into his coat… somewhere.

"Uh… ahem… it was… a… business call," he says in clarification as he find us staring at him.

Zack sighs. "Bullshit. We heard your entire conversation, Seph."

"Yes, it was a… gratifying exchange of… war… tactics, wasn't… it…?" Sephiroth asks, attempting to preserve some trace of self-dignity.

Yeah, that was a bad cover-up.

Like, really bad. A five-year old could've come up with something better.

I'm actually kinda ashamed of him right now, and Zack looks it, too.

"Cloud…," Zack starts, grabbing another bottle of whiskey.

More whiskey for Zack. Wow, he is so much more of a man than Sephiroth is.

Zack grins crookedly at me. "…you think so?"

I quirk my eyebrow up at him and wink. Sephiroth pouts at my inattention and spanks me again.

Zack coughs and shakes his head. "I think we have to… re-masculate Seph…"

Seph frowns. "'Re-masculate' me? What are you talking about? I am damn masculine!" he shouts, "Look at my muscles!" To prove his masculinity and the existence of hard muscles, Sephiroth grabs Zack's hands and forces Zack to rub his smooth, bare, fangirl-serving chest, which isn't exactly having Zack look at his muscles more than… rub them… slowly… sensually…

…

……

………

…………damn, that's hot.

Sephiroth smirks and looks at me lecherously as Zack sports a major blush - and hard-on, I imagine. Who wouldn't?

"Aha!" I shout and stand triumphantly on the table, pointing my finger at Zack, "You're not thinking about your girlfriend now, ARE you!"

"…I just… needed……but… fire hose…," Zack mumbles, rendered incoherent from my Sexy Sephiroth's incredibly overpowering sexinessicity.

…you heard me.

I giggle. I can't help it! Zack's so adorable when he's flustered, and it's such a pretty sight when he's feeling up my big, sexy, silver-haired lover.

I slide next to Zack and throw my arms around his neck, giving him a little kiss on the cheek. "Oh, Zack, you know what will help turn Seph back into a man?"

"…Rocket Town…"

I laugh. Zack is so silly. "What Sephiroth needs is a lot of wild, sweaty mansex… with you and me!"

Seph rushes in and lunges at the opportunity to make out with Zack, who doesn't protest in the least. I spare a look down and it seems the reason for that lack of protest is the fact that Sephiroth finally managed to get a hand down Zack's pants.

"Oh, Sephiroth, you'll never change!" I laugh as Zack swings his arm out and drags me down to the floor with himself and Sephiroth before they tear my clothes off and molest me like they always do (in the author's head).

"Ah, it looks like everything's gonna be aaa--aaalright!" I exclaim, before the night dissolves into a hardcore threesome consisting of two adult males and one underage teenage boy butt-fucking on a dirty, cigarette butt-and-booze-covered floor, in a stinky, disgusting bar somewhere in the cesspool that is Midgar.

END.

----------------------------

A/N: …WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!? What the fuck is WRONG with me!?

…I just happened to find the start of that in a notebook and… well… there you are. It kinda took off from there. O.o Yes… I think my brain rotted a quarter of the way through that…

Err… I hope at least someone enjoyed this piece of shit… O.o

Sephiroth (squealing): TSENGY!
Tseng: …why are you talking to me like that again?
Sephiroth: Oh, Tsengy, stop acting like such a goof!
Tseng (confused): ………?!
Zack (disgustedly): That's it.
Zack readies the Buster Sword
Zack: Cloud, get out the Ultima Weapon.
Cloud (obeying): Ready when you are!
Zack and Cloud pull off a double Omnislash on FemmeRoth
Sephiroth dies and comes back to life soon after
Sephiroth: What happened?
Zack and Cloud: w00t, you're a man again!
Sephiroth (with widened eyes): ACK!!
Sephiroth is dragged off by his subordinates for more sex
Tseng: …dude. Where's Aeris?
Reno comes sidling up to Tseng
Reno: Hey baby.
Tseng: …::squeals:: RENO, BABY!!

…BRAIN FART.