A/N: I've always thought that "Numb" by Linkin Park was a song that anyone
could relate to. That plus my intrigue with anything HP and this is the
result. You may think this has been done before and, yes, the basic
concept has. But let me assure you, reader, that this fic puts a different
spin on some things and I can only hope to achieve in making some people
think a little. THAT'S RIGHT THINK GOD DAMMIT!
Oh, and these are people's thoughts so it is a bit choppy. YES ON PURPOSE. It's called "stream of consciousness." Look it up. Also, each character thinks differently, and so there is a slight lack of consistency between the flow of character thoughts. Umm.. Especially Harry. He's a bit. Well, just read it.
If you don't like this then screw you and don't even bother reviewing.
Disclaimer: I don't own HP or LP's song "Numb." Oh, I'm so sad. .
"Numb To Life"
. DRACO POV
- -I'm tired of being what you want me to be.- -
I hate my father. I absolutely loathe him.
I don't appreciate being forced into a persona that will someday be my destruction.
All my life, that hypocritical prat has molded me to be something I'm not. It's like forcing a child to use his right hand instead of his dominant left. It has a psychological effect. I know there's something wrong with me. I'm always either extremely competitive, envious, enraged, or depressed. I wonder if I should tell anyone.
- -Feeling so faithless.- -
I don't really know what to make of anything anymore. I really can't decide what side to choose in this. war. I've always been completely positive that what my father did and told me was right. Now. everything's so bloody frustrating. It's hard to realize that you've been brainwashed and now you have to reassess everything you've always known.
Perhaps even Potter's not as big of a twit as I've thought him to be?
Nah.
- -Lost under the surface.- -
I'm in one of my extremely pissed off moods right now.
All these damn *feelings* are beginning to cloud my sense of reality. I certainly can't have that, especially when Father's already suspicious of my allegiance. to which side even I don't know that one. God, I utterly abhor the wretched creature.
And while I'm at it, I despise my mother as well. When does she ever do a damn thing to stop that man? Never. She's never stepped in and put a stop to anything. She just sits around in her own bloody reality, obviously not able to care about those around her.
But I know her dirty little secret. She just doesn't WANT to care for anyone else.
I think I got the insane gene from her.
. RON POV
- -I don't know what you're expecting of me.- -
Ginny's the youngest AND the girl. Fred and George are the comic relief. Percy's the arrogant prat. Bill and Charlie have careers.
WHERE EXACTLY DO I FIT INTO ALL OF THIS?!
Being one with no defining trait, I always get shoved off to the side. I always have to adjust myself to fit whoever I'm with. If it's Ginny I'm the older brother. With the Twins I'm the funny little bro subject to ridicule. Bill and Charlie I'm supposed to look up to. And Percy's. Well, he's the arrogant prat, okay?
I don't really have a name for MYSELF. I'm always so-and-so's younger brother. Another Weasley. I feel like now is the perfect time for an identity crisis!
I used to blame anyone I could. Poor Harry, though. I would sometimes get so frustrated for being in yet someone else's shadow that I would fight with him, really for no other reason than to vent. I even deserted him when he needed me most back in Fourth Year. I'm still shocked he forgave me.
I know he doesn't do it on purpose. No one's really to blame for any of this.
Yes. Someone is to blame. Me. It's my own bloody fault for not being of strong enough character. I'm too feeble to find my own place. That's the only reason why I'm surrounded by dominant characters in my life.
Why am I so weak? Why can't anyone see that I need some help with this?
- -Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes.- -
Like I said, everyone expects something different from me. But worst of all is my mum.
She does it all the time with the Twins, even though they ignore her.
"Two Head Boys in the family!"
They're strong enough to ignore her comments because they both know exactly what they're doing. They have their purposes set. The both just write it all off and forget about it.
Oh, but I'll never forget that phrase.
I'm astonished I got a Prefect badge, as was pretty much everyone else. But most of all, I was relieved. At the very least I didn't have to listen to my mother's disappointment if I DIDN'T get Prefect. It was like a huge weight off my shoulders.
I love my mum and all, but she's a bit insufferable! Even my dad knows and I'm a bit surprised that he's stayed with her for so long. I think he's afraid of her wrath. I would be. I am.
I know it isn't intended, but my mum is the most degrading one out of all the people I know. This includes Malfoy. I mean, he's just a ferret and his sole purpose is to bug me. I don't take what he says seriously. I don't care what he says.
But with my mum, it's a different story. The fact that it comes from my mother of all people and that she doesn't even know what she's doing. makes it all the more horrible.
- -Caught in the undertow. Just caught in the undertow.- -
It's like everything I do is wrong to one person, even if it's right to someone else. I could please my parents but let down Fred and George.
I can never win here!
- -I've become so numb I can't feel you there.- -
I've got to ignore them all. I have to numb myself to this pain. I should be used to this by now and if not I should GET used to this. This pressure will never subside. My pain will never end. I just have to block them all out.
- -I've become so tired So much more aware.- -
Holding all this on my shoulders will kill me, I know it. I can't take it any longer.
Why did I have to know about any of this? Why should I be affected? Why couldn't I have just lived in the bliss of my ignorance?
I can't take this.
- -I'm becoming this.- -
I feel like I don't really *have* an identity. I keep changing myself to fit different people. I don't really know who I am anymore.
Okay, time to panic.
- -All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you.- -
I'm so SICK of being a lackey to EVERYONE! WHY can't I have my own bloody character?! WHY?!
I can only pray that I have retained the ability to find myself in all this mess. After all these years I may not have it in me.
Oh God PLEASE! I can't live like this FOREVER!
. HARRY POV
- -Can't you see that you're smothering me?- -
I think that by this phase I've just given up on anger and skipped right over to depression.
It used to be just certain things that would get under my skin, put a little too much pressure on my shoulders. Now it's as if the very air I breathe is tainting me and slowly eating me from the inside out. And I know that there's nothing I can do about it. I could stop breathing and end this. but not yet. It's too soon. I have to "fulfill my destiny" first. I couldn't let everyone down. Not again. Not after.
Everything else.
- -Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control.- -
I'm just a puppet really. I'm nothing special. I'm. nothing. Nobody at all. Everyone thinks I'm someone but I'm really no one, you know?
Everyone feels like they have to control me. I know they do. I have to be kept "in line" or I might screw something else up. I'm quite good at that.
If anyone would let me go then, maybe, I could breathe again. That or utter chaos would ensue.
- -'Cause everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you.- -
I'm not the way everyone wanted me to be. I didn't turn out "right" to them. I'm a depressing little rebel without a cause to anyone who doesn't know me.
And that is, actually, everyone.
- -Caught in the undertow Just caught in the undertow.- -
Oh God, I'm being dragged down. They're pulling me, clawing at my legs. I can hear their screams! They're calling me!
- -Every step that I take is another mistake to you.- -
Everything I do is wrong. Everything I touch is tainted. All of it should be burned.
They all hate me.
I hate me.
- -Caught in the undertow Just caught in the undertow.- -
Don't let them take me! Please!
I'm suffocating. please.
- -And every second I waste is more than I can take.- -
Someone's got to save ME for once. I don't think I can live for much longer. This life drags by. It never ends. It has to end.
- -I've become so numb I can't feel you there.- -
I'm ice.
It's the only way. If it can't end *yet*, then I must stop feeling it. Cold. That's how I like it.
- -I've become so tired- -
I'm so tired. I have to close my eyes. Let me close my eyes?
No. I can't. I know I can't...can't.
I can't let them down again.
- -So much more aware.- -
There are impurities in everything, everywhere. They're trying to get me. Bloody tainted air. It's because *I* breathed it.
Bloody tainted air!
- -I'm becoming this.- -
Oh God. What's happening to me?! What's happened to me?! I'm bloody nutters!
I've lost it. Oh this is bad, very bad.
Bad. Bad. Bad bad bad. Bad. Bad.
I'm bad.
I'm wrong.
I've always been wrong.
- -All I want to do- -
My life aspiration is to die.
- -Is be more like me and be less like you.- -
Who am I? Where did Harry go?
Help?
. DRACO POV
- -And I know I may end up failing too- -
The odds are really against me this time. Just one slip and I'll lose it all. Whether to death or a life lived wrong it doesn't make a difference.
If only someone could show me how to do this, which turn to take. I've never been one for making good choices, things were always decided FOR me. Well, there is a first time for everything.
May God have mercy on my soul for whichever road I take.
- -But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you.- -
I don't care if I disappoint anyone in my family right now. Those people lost my respect a long time ago. Between my mother who's insane and my father who's a hypocrite, I don't see either as worthy of any RESPECT.
My father, the hypocrite extraordinaire. I know my grandfather was just as maniacal and manipulatively controlling to my father as my father is to me. He disappointed HIS father so why break the cycle now?
But there are some cycles that need to be shattered. I will NOT become my father. This has to end NOW.
- -I've become so numb I can't feel you there.- -
No one shall ever have control over me again. I don't give a damn about what anyone thinks anymore. I AM a bloody Slytherin. It's high time I started acting like one. From now on all that matters is me and to everyone else.
I'm as cold and cutting as hail.
- -I've become so tired So much more aware.- -
Still. What do I do now? It's all rather foggy to me.
Yes, I want to be independent and have my own thoughts. I've established that. It's in my creed.
But how the hell do I do that?
I'm so tired of this. Why can't things ever be simple anymore? I'm not even bloody sure whom to blame!
- -All I want to do- -
Couldn't I just give up? Give in? It would most certainly be easier.
NO! TWIT! You do NOT want to be controlled anymore!
- -Is be more like me and be less like you.- -
Sometimes, you've got to be willing to fight for your opinions, Draco.
. . .
I think I just learned my first self-taught lesson.
.
Now what?
. RON POV
- -I've become so numb- -
I have to get used to the pain.
. HARRY POV
- -I can't feel you there- -
I must stop feeling it. Cold is God.
. DRACO POV
- -I'm tired of being what you want me to be- -
I won't stand for this brainwashing anymore.
- -I've become so numb- -
I don't care what they all think. I'm all that matters.
. RON POV
- -I can't feel you there- -
I must ignore them all.
. HARRY POV
- -I'm tired of being what you want me to be- -
I can't be your puppet anymore. this can't go on. it must end. I must be saved.
***
A/N: Remember I MADE IT CHOPPY ON PURPOSE! STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS YOU KNOW?!
I had a bit of trouble with Draco. proud little snucker wouldn't let me write some emotion into him. But it was easy for Ron and Harry. (Tempt a Gryffindor with chocolate and all is well.) I'm so proud of those two.
Altogether everyone pretty much needs some salvation here, huh? Well, I thought this was a different spin on a couple of people in here, you know insanex2 and one for degrading. Did you think? DID YOU THINK AT ALL WHILE READING?! Please say yes?
Oh, I thought I could make this into a chapter fic- not a journal or anything, just a normal fic with a narrator and all. Possibly more from LP, I don't know. I have a slight few ideas for it BUT I'm in the middle of starting a new LONG chapter fic for HP (the first chapter should be up soon I hope) and I'm really involved in it, thus I'm not all too motivated *here* so if you want more of "Numb to Life" I just need 10 reviews asking me. I'll post an Author's Note on my ideas sometime later.
Don't review unless you come bearing goodness or constructive criticism. I don't need any more hate in my life.
Oh, and these are people's thoughts so it is a bit choppy. YES ON PURPOSE. It's called "stream of consciousness." Look it up. Also, each character thinks differently, and so there is a slight lack of consistency between the flow of character thoughts. Umm.. Especially Harry. He's a bit. Well, just read it.
If you don't like this then screw you and don't even bother reviewing.
Disclaimer: I don't own HP or LP's song "Numb." Oh, I'm so sad. .
"Numb To Life"
. DRACO POV
- -I'm tired of being what you want me to be.- -
I hate my father. I absolutely loathe him.
I don't appreciate being forced into a persona that will someday be my destruction.
All my life, that hypocritical prat has molded me to be something I'm not. It's like forcing a child to use his right hand instead of his dominant left. It has a psychological effect. I know there's something wrong with me. I'm always either extremely competitive, envious, enraged, or depressed. I wonder if I should tell anyone.
- -Feeling so faithless.- -
I don't really know what to make of anything anymore. I really can't decide what side to choose in this. war. I've always been completely positive that what my father did and told me was right. Now. everything's so bloody frustrating. It's hard to realize that you've been brainwashed and now you have to reassess everything you've always known.
Perhaps even Potter's not as big of a twit as I've thought him to be?
Nah.
- -Lost under the surface.- -
I'm in one of my extremely pissed off moods right now.
All these damn *feelings* are beginning to cloud my sense of reality. I certainly can't have that, especially when Father's already suspicious of my allegiance. to which side even I don't know that one. God, I utterly abhor the wretched creature.
And while I'm at it, I despise my mother as well. When does she ever do a damn thing to stop that man? Never. She's never stepped in and put a stop to anything. She just sits around in her own bloody reality, obviously not able to care about those around her.
But I know her dirty little secret. She just doesn't WANT to care for anyone else.
I think I got the insane gene from her.
. RON POV
- -I don't know what you're expecting of me.- -
Ginny's the youngest AND the girl. Fred and George are the comic relief. Percy's the arrogant prat. Bill and Charlie have careers.
WHERE EXACTLY DO I FIT INTO ALL OF THIS?!
Being one with no defining trait, I always get shoved off to the side. I always have to adjust myself to fit whoever I'm with. If it's Ginny I'm the older brother. With the Twins I'm the funny little bro subject to ridicule. Bill and Charlie I'm supposed to look up to. And Percy's. Well, he's the arrogant prat, okay?
I don't really have a name for MYSELF. I'm always so-and-so's younger brother. Another Weasley. I feel like now is the perfect time for an identity crisis!
I used to blame anyone I could. Poor Harry, though. I would sometimes get so frustrated for being in yet someone else's shadow that I would fight with him, really for no other reason than to vent. I even deserted him when he needed me most back in Fourth Year. I'm still shocked he forgave me.
I know he doesn't do it on purpose. No one's really to blame for any of this.
Yes. Someone is to blame. Me. It's my own bloody fault for not being of strong enough character. I'm too feeble to find my own place. That's the only reason why I'm surrounded by dominant characters in my life.
Why am I so weak? Why can't anyone see that I need some help with this?
- -Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes.- -
Like I said, everyone expects something different from me. But worst of all is my mum.
She does it all the time with the Twins, even though they ignore her.
"Two Head Boys in the family!"
They're strong enough to ignore her comments because they both know exactly what they're doing. They have their purposes set. The both just write it all off and forget about it.
Oh, but I'll never forget that phrase.
I'm astonished I got a Prefect badge, as was pretty much everyone else. But most of all, I was relieved. At the very least I didn't have to listen to my mother's disappointment if I DIDN'T get Prefect. It was like a huge weight off my shoulders.
I love my mum and all, but she's a bit insufferable! Even my dad knows and I'm a bit surprised that he's stayed with her for so long. I think he's afraid of her wrath. I would be. I am.
I know it isn't intended, but my mum is the most degrading one out of all the people I know. This includes Malfoy. I mean, he's just a ferret and his sole purpose is to bug me. I don't take what he says seriously. I don't care what he says.
But with my mum, it's a different story. The fact that it comes from my mother of all people and that she doesn't even know what she's doing. makes it all the more horrible.
- -Caught in the undertow. Just caught in the undertow.- -
It's like everything I do is wrong to one person, even if it's right to someone else. I could please my parents but let down Fred and George.
I can never win here!
- -I've become so numb I can't feel you there.- -
I've got to ignore them all. I have to numb myself to this pain. I should be used to this by now and if not I should GET used to this. This pressure will never subside. My pain will never end. I just have to block them all out.
- -I've become so tired So much more aware.- -
Holding all this on my shoulders will kill me, I know it. I can't take it any longer.
Why did I have to know about any of this? Why should I be affected? Why couldn't I have just lived in the bliss of my ignorance?
I can't take this.
- -I'm becoming this.- -
I feel like I don't really *have* an identity. I keep changing myself to fit different people. I don't really know who I am anymore.
Okay, time to panic.
- -All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you.- -
I'm so SICK of being a lackey to EVERYONE! WHY can't I have my own bloody character?! WHY?!
I can only pray that I have retained the ability to find myself in all this mess. After all these years I may not have it in me.
Oh God PLEASE! I can't live like this FOREVER!
. HARRY POV
- -Can't you see that you're smothering me?- -
I think that by this phase I've just given up on anger and skipped right over to depression.
It used to be just certain things that would get under my skin, put a little too much pressure on my shoulders. Now it's as if the very air I breathe is tainting me and slowly eating me from the inside out. And I know that there's nothing I can do about it. I could stop breathing and end this. but not yet. It's too soon. I have to "fulfill my destiny" first. I couldn't let everyone down. Not again. Not after.
Everything else.
- -Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control.- -
I'm just a puppet really. I'm nothing special. I'm. nothing. Nobody at all. Everyone thinks I'm someone but I'm really no one, you know?
Everyone feels like they have to control me. I know they do. I have to be kept "in line" or I might screw something else up. I'm quite good at that.
If anyone would let me go then, maybe, I could breathe again. That or utter chaos would ensue.
- -'Cause everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you.- -
I'm not the way everyone wanted me to be. I didn't turn out "right" to them. I'm a depressing little rebel without a cause to anyone who doesn't know me.
And that is, actually, everyone.
- -Caught in the undertow Just caught in the undertow.- -
Oh God, I'm being dragged down. They're pulling me, clawing at my legs. I can hear their screams! They're calling me!
- -Every step that I take is another mistake to you.- -
Everything I do is wrong. Everything I touch is tainted. All of it should be burned.
They all hate me.
I hate me.
- -Caught in the undertow Just caught in the undertow.- -
Don't let them take me! Please!
I'm suffocating. please.
- -And every second I waste is more than I can take.- -
Someone's got to save ME for once. I don't think I can live for much longer. This life drags by. It never ends. It has to end.
- -I've become so numb I can't feel you there.- -
I'm ice.
It's the only way. If it can't end *yet*, then I must stop feeling it. Cold. That's how I like it.
- -I've become so tired- -
I'm so tired. I have to close my eyes. Let me close my eyes?
No. I can't. I know I can't...can't.
I can't let them down again.
- -So much more aware.- -
There are impurities in everything, everywhere. They're trying to get me. Bloody tainted air. It's because *I* breathed it.
Bloody tainted air!
- -I'm becoming this.- -
Oh God. What's happening to me?! What's happened to me?! I'm bloody nutters!
I've lost it. Oh this is bad, very bad.
Bad. Bad. Bad bad bad. Bad. Bad.
I'm bad.
I'm wrong.
I've always been wrong.
- -All I want to do- -
My life aspiration is to die.
- -Is be more like me and be less like you.- -
Who am I? Where did Harry go?
Help?
. DRACO POV
- -And I know I may end up failing too- -
The odds are really against me this time. Just one slip and I'll lose it all. Whether to death or a life lived wrong it doesn't make a difference.
If only someone could show me how to do this, which turn to take. I've never been one for making good choices, things were always decided FOR me. Well, there is a first time for everything.
May God have mercy on my soul for whichever road I take.
- -But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you.- -
I don't care if I disappoint anyone in my family right now. Those people lost my respect a long time ago. Between my mother who's insane and my father who's a hypocrite, I don't see either as worthy of any RESPECT.
My father, the hypocrite extraordinaire. I know my grandfather was just as maniacal and manipulatively controlling to my father as my father is to me. He disappointed HIS father so why break the cycle now?
But there are some cycles that need to be shattered. I will NOT become my father. This has to end NOW.
- -I've become so numb I can't feel you there.- -
No one shall ever have control over me again. I don't give a damn about what anyone thinks anymore. I AM a bloody Slytherin. It's high time I started acting like one. From now on all that matters is me and to everyone else.
I'm as cold and cutting as hail.
- -I've become so tired So much more aware.- -
Still. What do I do now? It's all rather foggy to me.
Yes, I want to be independent and have my own thoughts. I've established that. It's in my creed.
But how the hell do I do that?
I'm so tired of this. Why can't things ever be simple anymore? I'm not even bloody sure whom to blame!
- -All I want to do- -
Couldn't I just give up? Give in? It would most certainly be easier.
NO! TWIT! You do NOT want to be controlled anymore!
- -Is be more like me and be less like you.- -
Sometimes, you've got to be willing to fight for your opinions, Draco.
. . .
I think I just learned my first self-taught lesson.
.
Now what?
. RON POV
- -I've become so numb- -
I have to get used to the pain.
. HARRY POV
- -I can't feel you there- -
I must stop feeling it. Cold is God.
. DRACO POV
- -I'm tired of being what you want me to be- -
I won't stand for this brainwashing anymore.
- -I've become so numb- -
I don't care what they all think. I'm all that matters.
. RON POV
- -I can't feel you there- -
I must ignore them all.
. HARRY POV
- -I'm tired of being what you want me to be- -
I can't be your puppet anymore. this can't go on. it must end. I must be saved.
***
A/N: Remember I MADE IT CHOPPY ON PURPOSE! STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS YOU KNOW?!
I had a bit of trouble with Draco. proud little snucker wouldn't let me write some emotion into him. But it was easy for Ron and Harry. (Tempt a Gryffindor with chocolate and all is well.) I'm so proud of those two.
Altogether everyone pretty much needs some salvation here, huh? Well, I thought this was a different spin on a couple of people in here, you know insanex2 and one for degrading. Did you think? DID YOU THINK AT ALL WHILE READING?! Please say yes?
Oh, I thought I could make this into a chapter fic- not a journal or anything, just a normal fic with a narrator and all. Possibly more from LP, I don't know. I have a slight few ideas for it BUT I'm in the middle of starting a new LONG chapter fic for HP (the first chapter should be up soon I hope) and I'm really involved in it, thus I'm not all too motivated *here* so if you want more of "Numb to Life" I just need 10 reviews asking me. I'll post an Author's Note on my ideas sometime later.
Don't review unless you come bearing goodness or constructive criticism. I don't need any more hate in my life.