HOUSTON ASTRODOME, TEXAS
VIDEO GAME DEATHMATCH 2
PRETTY CLOSE TO THE FRONT
Fox Chicken: Welcome back to the only blood filled extravaganza that isn't endorsed by MTV. Just to recap, last episode we witnessed Samus Aran from Metroid take out Halo's Master Chief. Also, despite the significant disability of a broken neck Sam Fisher came back from a brutal beating from Solid Snake to lock his opponent in an airless container and win our first main event. However, Snake survived to tell his incredible escape story today.
Snake: This is Snake. Fox, do you read me?
Fox: Loud and clear, Snake. Just how did you escape?
Snake: Well, that idiot Fisher left his lock picks inside the room. Once I had found them, I shot Raiden in the groin and recovered them. My fingers bled from excessive analogue stick rotating but I finally managed to open the door to the maze before my oxygen ran out.
Fox: That is amazing, Snake! And of course you have signed a temporary contract with us to co-host our show with yours truly.
Snake: Well, people said I didn't talk enough last time round, plus it was the least I could do, what after shooting your last commentator.
Fox: Oh, yeah. I hated that jerk.
Snake: Yeah, after trying to kill me and stealing my girl I felt it was justified.
Fox: That reminds me, what happened to Meryl?
Snake: It turns out that she was in Fisher's apartment all along, only tranquilised and shoved in a locker. So when the boys had finished retiring Fisher and sending Raiden to the mental institution they managed to use some coolant to wake her up.
Fox: There you have it folks. Meryl Silverburgh returns in this very episode as an interviewer. Why don't you tell us what we can expect tonight, Snake?
Snake: I'm glad you asked. For our opener we managed to force New York's finest Max Payne to take on his Los Angeles equivalent Nick Kang.
Fox: Continuing our crime theme for this show, Grand Theft Auto's Tommy Vercetti will go head to head with undercover cop Tanner from Driver in our main event!
Snake: And just to break away from all The Matrix rip-offs and tabloid- worrying violence we've distracted Link from his Zelda-rescuing quest long enough to take on his Elven doppelganger Legolas from such games as The Two Towers and the upcoming Return Of The King.
Fox: Wow, Snake, we've got a great show coming up. How did you get all these famous video game characters?
Snake: I just told them who I was and that it was a deathmatch and they jumped on board.
Fox: Cool.
Snake: Well, I didn't tell those elvy sissy boys that it was a deathmatch. They think it's some sort of flower show or something.
Fox: To all those who think that Legolas is a tough hero, read the book. He actually cries when the Balrog comes!
Snake: Don't worry, though. I got the EA version, not the Vivendi one.
Fox: Thank God. Anyway, we can now join Meryl backstage as she prepares to interview tonight's show stealer Tommy Vercetti.
(Cut to Meryl holding a microphone for Tommy Vercetti outside his locker room)
Meryl: Thank you Fox. I'm here with Tommy Vercetti, perpetrator of violent and fashion crimes alike. What have you been up to Tommy?
Tommy: Basically, I fuckin' own Vice City now. Anyone who thinks crime doesn't pay should have a look at me.
Meryl: Wow, you must lead a great life.
Tommy: Not really. The tourist industry has gone down the fuckin' drain and those U.S. Government bastards are trying to repossess my fuckin' mansion.
Meryl: Do you have to swear? This is a PG-13, remember.
Tommy: Shut the fuck up. Basically, I've had this piece of shit Tanner tryin' to run me into the ground since I revolutionised the whole crime game thing. I mean, before I came along all we had was mute errand boys and undercover filths who walked like they needed a huge shit.
Meryl: So there is no love lost between you and your opponent?
Tommy: Fuck, no. I've always hated his guts. And I'll tell ya another fuckin' thing -
Fox: I'm sorry, we're going to have to cut you off there. Our writer says that was one "f" too many.
Snake: I say let him speak. He's got some quality views. I'll do the bleeping.
Fox: Okay, if you say so.
(Cuts back to Meryl and Tommy)
Tommy: - I am going to totally cream his f -
Snake: Bleep!
Tommy: - ng ass tonight and then we'll see who's the f -
Snake: Bleep!
Tommy: - ng King of the f -
Snake: Bleep!
Tommy: - ng streets.
Meryl: One last question before you go. When you're not managing City policies and telling designers where to stick it, what do you like to do in your spare time?
Tommy: I f -
Snake: Bleep!
Tommy: - ng love playing computer games. I like those stealth games especially. That Snake is a fucking pussy though. I would walk right fucking through him in a fight. Manhunt is the real fucker for me.
Fox: Snake! The bleep button!
Snake: Grr..
Tommy: And I mean, losing against a cheap copy of himself? I would fucking never lose to fucking Tanner. What is his fucking problem? How'd he manage to get a fucking babe like you, Meryl? Hey, fancy comin' over to my mansion tonight and I can show you what a real fuck is like?
Fox: We really are going to have to cut you off there. Colonel Campbell will be having a heart attack.
Snake: Pussy, huh? We'll see whose the fucking pussy. Where'd I put my nikita -
Fox: No, Snake! You're not scheduled to fight tonight!
(END OF PART ONE)
VIDEO GAME DEATHMATCH 2
PRETTY CLOSE TO THE FRONT
Fox Chicken: Welcome back to the only blood filled extravaganza that isn't endorsed by MTV. Just to recap, last episode we witnessed Samus Aran from Metroid take out Halo's Master Chief. Also, despite the significant disability of a broken neck Sam Fisher came back from a brutal beating from Solid Snake to lock his opponent in an airless container and win our first main event. However, Snake survived to tell his incredible escape story today.
Snake: This is Snake. Fox, do you read me?
Fox: Loud and clear, Snake. Just how did you escape?
Snake: Well, that idiot Fisher left his lock picks inside the room. Once I had found them, I shot Raiden in the groin and recovered them. My fingers bled from excessive analogue stick rotating but I finally managed to open the door to the maze before my oxygen ran out.
Fox: That is amazing, Snake! And of course you have signed a temporary contract with us to co-host our show with yours truly.
Snake: Well, people said I didn't talk enough last time round, plus it was the least I could do, what after shooting your last commentator.
Fox: Oh, yeah. I hated that jerk.
Snake: Yeah, after trying to kill me and stealing my girl I felt it was justified.
Fox: That reminds me, what happened to Meryl?
Snake: It turns out that she was in Fisher's apartment all along, only tranquilised and shoved in a locker. So when the boys had finished retiring Fisher and sending Raiden to the mental institution they managed to use some coolant to wake her up.
Fox: There you have it folks. Meryl Silverburgh returns in this very episode as an interviewer. Why don't you tell us what we can expect tonight, Snake?
Snake: I'm glad you asked. For our opener we managed to force New York's finest Max Payne to take on his Los Angeles equivalent Nick Kang.
Fox: Continuing our crime theme for this show, Grand Theft Auto's Tommy Vercetti will go head to head with undercover cop Tanner from Driver in our main event!
Snake: And just to break away from all The Matrix rip-offs and tabloid- worrying violence we've distracted Link from his Zelda-rescuing quest long enough to take on his Elven doppelganger Legolas from such games as The Two Towers and the upcoming Return Of The King.
Fox: Wow, Snake, we've got a great show coming up. How did you get all these famous video game characters?
Snake: I just told them who I was and that it was a deathmatch and they jumped on board.
Fox: Cool.
Snake: Well, I didn't tell those elvy sissy boys that it was a deathmatch. They think it's some sort of flower show or something.
Fox: To all those who think that Legolas is a tough hero, read the book. He actually cries when the Balrog comes!
Snake: Don't worry, though. I got the EA version, not the Vivendi one.
Fox: Thank God. Anyway, we can now join Meryl backstage as she prepares to interview tonight's show stealer Tommy Vercetti.
(Cut to Meryl holding a microphone for Tommy Vercetti outside his locker room)
Meryl: Thank you Fox. I'm here with Tommy Vercetti, perpetrator of violent and fashion crimes alike. What have you been up to Tommy?
Tommy: Basically, I fuckin' own Vice City now. Anyone who thinks crime doesn't pay should have a look at me.
Meryl: Wow, you must lead a great life.
Tommy: Not really. The tourist industry has gone down the fuckin' drain and those U.S. Government bastards are trying to repossess my fuckin' mansion.
Meryl: Do you have to swear? This is a PG-13, remember.
Tommy: Shut the fuck up. Basically, I've had this piece of shit Tanner tryin' to run me into the ground since I revolutionised the whole crime game thing. I mean, before I came along all we had was mute errand boys and undercover filths who walked like they needed a huge shit.
Meryl: So there is no love lost between you and your opponent?
Tommy: Fuck, no. I've always hated his guts. And I'll tell ya another fuckin' thing -
Fox: I'm sorry, we're going to have to cut you off there. Our writer says that was one "f" too many.
Snake: I say let him speak. He's got some quality views. I'll do the bleeping.
Fox: Okay, if you say so.
(Cuts back to Meryl and Tommy)
Tommy: - I am going to totally cream his f -
Snake: Bleep!
Tommy: - ng ass tonight and then we'll see who's the f -
Snake: Bleep!
Tommy: - ng King of the f -
Snake: Bleep!
Tommy: - ng streets.
Meryl: One last question before you go. When you're not managing City policies and telling designers where to stick it, what do you like to do in your spare time?
Tommy: I f -
Snake: Bleep!
Tommy: - ng love playing computer games. I like those stealth games especially. That Snake is a fucking pussy though. I would walk right fucking through him in a fight. Manhunt is the real fucker for me.
Fox: Snake! The bleep button!
Snake: Grr..
Tommy: And I mean, losing against a cheap copy of himself? I would fucking never lose to fucking Tanner. What is his fucking problem? How'd he manage to get a fucking babe like you, Meryl? Hey, fancy comin' over to my mansion tonight and I can show you what a real fuck is like?
Fox: We really are going to have to cut you off there. Colonel Campbell will be having a heart attack.
Snake: Pussy, huh? We'll see whose the fucking pussy. Where'd I put my nikita -
Fox: No, Snake! You're not scheduled to fight tonight!
(END OF PART ONE)